A/N: I'm not gonna lie. This chapter just isn't as good as it had the potential to be.

Chapter 9: The Talk

Sergeant Tamora "Tammy" Calhoun Fix-It had a job to do. It was a gritty one, one that no one else could possibly do, but she was determined. She sighted her target. A teenager with long black hair and a somewhat oblivious expression. She looked like she was thinking too hard about something.

Vanellope, bless her little heart. Tamora was actually rather fond of the girl. Ever since the first day they'd met, in the midst of a battle against the cybugs destroying her home, the girl had been a spitfire. She had been entirely unafraid of the prospect of dying for her friend's safety. And then, when her friend was in perilous trouble, she dove into the fray to save him. Tamora had to admit, she rather looked at Vanellope as the daughter she never intended to have.

So, when Felix had brought this situation to her attention, she didn't balk at the idea of imparting some knowledge with the girl. After filtering Felix's version of events through a feminine perspective she had some idea of what was probably going on with the girl. The most important thing to address, in Calhoun's opinion, was the fact that her dynamic with Ralph had changed, and she hadn't even realized it yet.

It was making Ralph uncomfortable, and in turn it was distressing Vanellope because she didn't understand why it was making Ralph uncomfortable. Once that was cleared up the immediate problems would be solved. But there was no telling what might come of all this later.

Calhoun decided to stop musing on the task at hand and just get it done. She marched up to the pondering girl and announced herself.

"Hey kid." Calhoun greeted at she came up on Vanellope. Vanellope looked up from her contemplation.

"Oh... Hi Tammy." Vanellope said hesitantly. "What're you doing here?" It wasn't often that Sgt. Calhoun visited Sugar Rush. She usually said that the sugar in the air gave her hives.

"I came to see you." Calhoun answered. She sat down next to Vanellope on the fallen peppermint tree. Vanellope paused at that answer.

"Why?" Vanellope asked

"Just thought you'd like some clarification on what's going on." Calhoun answered.

Vanellope thought on that for a moment.

"Did... Did Felix tell you what happened between me and Ralph?" Vanellope asked shyly.

"I heard a little about that. Yeah" Calhoun conceded.

"So... you want to explain why Ralph thinks I'm ugly?" Vanellope asked hopefully. Calhoun had to resist slamming her palm onto her face.

"Kid, he doesn't-" Calhoun stopped herself before she went the wrong way about it. She had a game plan and she meant to stick to it.

"I can do one better than that. I can explain why he can't look you in the eye." Calhoun said, veering the conversation into the territory she wanted.

Vanellope blinked.

"Is there a difference?" She asked. Calhoun chuckled.

"Oh yes." Calhoun said. "Definitely."

Vanellope she sat there looking puzzled.

+++[Fix-It Felix Jr.]+++

"What did you tell Calhoun about what happened anyway?" Ralph asked nervously.

"I told her a little about Vanellope's behavior, and how she doesn't understand... things." Felix answered.

"Things?" Ralph prompted.

"Certain... physical cues." Felix explained.

Ralph groaned and his his hands on his head. Felix meant the 'cues' that Ralph had been giving. That Ralph had been trying very hard not to give. Now he was going to be used as an example in 'the talk'. Ralph was having a hard time trying to think of anything quite so embarrassing. He resolved that he never, ever, wanted to know what Calhoun was saying to Vanellope today.

+++[Sugar Rush...]+++

"Hence the metaphor. Because of the... physical aspect of the whole thing." Calhoun finalized.

Vanellope absorbed the information. It all made sense in it's own way, and it certainly explained a lot about what Taffyta was going on about. It's just...

"What does this have to do with what happened between me and Ralph?" Vanellope wondered aloud.

"Well, when this whole process starts to kick in, the expectations in how you're supposed to act change." Calhoun explained. "Things that you used to do, that were perfectly okay when you were nine, aren't as well received now that you're more grown up."

Vanellope's face was still twisted into a confused expression.

"In body if not in mind." Calhoun added dryly.

"You mean this was all because I slept with him?" Vanellope asked incredulously. Calhoun cleared her throat loudly. She held out a hand.

"You mean you 'fell asleep next to him'. There's a difference." Calhoun corrected.

"Right." Vanellope dismissed. "Ralph said that it was weird for me to do that now. But I thought he'd meant... " Vanellope suddenly looked forlorn.

"Ralph reacts poorly under duress." Calhoun said with a roll of her eyes. A technical way of saying that Ralph was quick to panic over small things.

"Oh no!" Vanellope moaned. "I was so horrible about it." She said, sagging in misery.

"I wouldn't worry so much about that right now. I don't think Ralph is mad about that." Calhoun waved off the worry Vanellope was emanating.

Vanellope stewed in her own guilt and worry for a minute, replaying the scene in her head and making it seem ten times worse that it really ended up being. She thought carefully on the part where she just knew that Ralph was hiding something.

"Why didn't Ralph just tell me any of this himself?" Vanellope asked Calhoun in frustration when she couldn't get the last piece of the puzzle on her own.

Calhoun thought very carefully about her next sentence. On one hand, she could tell Vanellope the truth. She could tell her that Ralph was attracted to her and having a hard time dealing with it. Explain to her all about how you could tell when someone was attracted to you and that she should look out for those sorts of signs.

On the other hand... Was it really fair to Ralph to put it so bluntly? Ralph was clearly having mixed emotions over the whole thing. Plus... If she told Vanellope and Vanellope didn't feel the same (doubtful, the possibility was there) then the idiot girl would probably apologize to Ralph and strain their relationship even more than it was. But if Vanellope DID feel the same... Then she'd probably try to jump into it right away because she didn't know any better.

"No..." Calhoun thought. "I really better let her figure this one out on her own." It pained her to do it though. The chaos that would ensue from telling the truth... Being married had turned her soft.

"It's a weird guy/girl thing." Calhoun said dismissively, with believable disgust at how silly men were. "Somewhere along the line someone decided that men can't talk to women about these sorts of things. That's why I was called in. To clear all this up."

"Does everyone else just know this stuff?" Vanellope asked. Vanellope felt like there was so much she just didn't know. It didn't seem fair to have to learn a whole new set of rules for a new body that she didn't even ask for.

"No. It's something everyone has to figure out. You just haven't been given the luxury of having a lot of time to figure it out in, because of your over night growth spurt." Calhoun answered with a sigh. She knew that this would make everything just that much harder for Vanellope, who seemed to be struggling with the concept at all.

As Calhoun had gone through Sugar Rush looking for her she saw one of Vanellope's little friends, the pink one. She had clearly grasped the concept of how to interact with the opposite sex. She'd been flirting shamelessly with one of the other racers when Calhoun had asked her where she might find Vanellope. Pretty good taste too, the object of her attentions had been sporting a chocolate colored leather jacket of some sort.

"Does Ralph know all of this?" Vanellope had to ask.

Calhoun blinked at the question. She didn't really understand where it had come from.

"I imagine he knows about the male half of the equation." Calhoun answered. She got up and dusted off her backside, sensing the conversation coming to an end.

"Hmm..." The gears in Vanellope's head were turning. Calhoun imaged they were going quite slowly, but they seemed to be going down the right track.

A/N: I'm so sorry. I promise the next chapter will be better. Ralph and Vanellope will be on talking terms again and everything. And much funny, which this chapter seemed to be lacking despite the huge potential for it. I actually wrote a scene where Calhoun was explaining the actual mechanical bits and then decided not to use it just at the last minute. I think I'll actually type it out and put it up as a oneshot in a few days. Just to make up for the lack of funny.

ALSO! I'm happy to announce that this fanfic is official my most reviewed, most viewed, most watched AND most favorite fanfic in my whole list now. As of... like, a few hours ago. Wow.

Review Response:

jeh-nee: Nooo, Ralph is like... feeling 5 different things at once. Actually saying how he felt would be impossible at this point. It'd come out something like "I think you're hot, and I'm really sorry. I'm trying to stop." And I just don't think Vanellope would understand. It'd be pretty funny though, I admit. And like I said before, NEVER apologize for a long review. xD

Blak-Ice - I'm afraid that Taffyta is going to end up being a very misleading influence on Vanellope...

Wreck-It Ralph - Hershal Nougatson! That one is really good! xD I think I probably have 5 names to work with now if you include that one. But I sort of hope people keep submitting them. They're funny to think about.