CHAPTER 9
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
But Dumbledore doesn't swear in the movie... And Snape is Christian?
I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose
We heard.
(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!
"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.
"Crookshanks!" I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream.
Crookshanks is a cat, not a spell.
I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.
Stopped the cat?
"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"
And now Voldemort speaks in faux Elizabethan English.
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.
Wait, what's the point of having a wand if you're going to use a gun to kill someone?
"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"
Hmm...tough choice. Kill the emo sadist, or the other emo sadist?
"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
I can totally imagine that
"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.
You mean "I can communicate telepathically", right?
"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
That is the worst attempt at writing Elizabethan English I have ever seen.
I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"
"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
So if Joel Madden and Gerard Way had a baby, it would be Draco?
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No." he answered.
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.
"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.
Both of you must be pretty talented to be able to make out and walk at the same time.