They headed out after a final 'normal' breakfast at the café. Knives had been withdrawn all morning. He hadn't said more than a few words to Kira since the panic attack. Maybe walking would help him sort out some of the things on his mind. Life would seem simpler when the only task to accomplish was putting one foot in front of the other. At least that's what she hoped…
He seemed eager to be travelling again. For the first time, she was having trouble matching his stride. It was almost as if he wanted her to fall behind. The Barstow waypoint was a long seven-day journey away, so the cart was heavy with extra food and water. After trotting to keep alongside him, panting, she finally gave up and slowed down to a speed she could manage. He continued on ahead, but slowed to her pace once he was a short distance from her.
So he did want to leave her behind. She felt a twinge of hurt and wondered if she had overstepped her bounds the night before. He'd been so distraught—she was just trying to calm him down. But maybe it had been too much. It wasn't like they were precisely friends. She wasn't entirely sure what they were. He'd opened up a lot during their stay in Caston, but now it seemed like he wanted nothing to do with her.
After she'd saved him, she felt an obligation to keep him safe until he could take care of himself, but it was more than that now. She'd grown to like him over their short time together. He was… odd, to be sure, but in an endearing way. He seemed to take life very seriously, but she'd caught glimmers of a dry humor underneath his solemn façade. He was reserved, keeping himself carefully protected behind his defensive reticence, but she'd seen the emotion he was masking—in his devastation about the angels and in the warmth and regret in his voice when he spoke of his brother. He felt deeply, but he tried not to telegraph it. He was clearly burdened by the pain from his past, but who wasn't these days? And he was trying to deal with it on his own.
She empathized. How could she not?
Maybe her desire to help him was a little selfish. Maybe it was just a way for her to deal with her own pain. It gave her life direction and purpose. It made her feel like she had a place again, even if it was only temporary. And, as fucked up as it was, she felt that by saving him and protecting him, she could somehow make up for her inability to save her family.
Whatever the reason, she felt a connection to him. And she had thought he was starting to feel that way about her too.
A tear rolled down her cheek and she wiped it away angrily. What the hell did she have to cry about? She barely knew the man. She'd clearly been misjudging the situation and that was all there was to it. She took a deep breath and pushed the entire topic from her mind. Let him walk wherever he wanted to walk—it was his choice.
x.x.x.x.x
After several hours Kira stopped for a lunch break. Knives had been casting furtive glances at her for the past hour, so she didn't bother calling to him—he'd figure it out. He came trudging back and sat down, silently accepting the food she handed him. She stared off across the desert, munching thoughtfully on the last bite of her meal. After she'd finished, she found a hidden spot to relieve herself, stretched for a moment, and then climbed back into the harness and started walking with the cart, giving Knives his privacy.
"Wait—where are you going?" he called out in surprise.
She stopped and calmly set the crutch in place. "What do you mean? We're heading to Barstow."
He glared. "I'm not done eating."
"But I am. I've been moving slower than you all day. This way we gain a little time."
"But…" He knitted his brows together, clearly aggravated by her reasonable answer. "I… should take a turn with the cart anyway."
"I suppose I could leave it with you…?" She began unstrapping the harness.
"Aren't you going to walk with me?"
"Honestly? I didn't think you wanted me to." She couldn't hide the bitterness in her voice.
"That's not why…" His face flushed and he scowled, understanding her implication. "What happened yesterday was humiliating," he said slowly, his eyes fixed on his food. "I'm not accustomed to losing control like that. And now you've seen it twice. Yes—I thought some distance would ease my embarrassment. But I don't want you to leave me behind," he finished in an unusually desperate tone.
"Then don't leave me behind."
He tipped his chin in concession. "I won't."
"Then I won't either." She sat down beside him, her face serious. "And… you don't have to be embarrassed. Everyone's dealing with a lot right now. Sometimes the best thing to do is to let it out," she said, feeling a bit like the pot calling the kettle black. "There's nothing wrong with that."
He eyed her warily for a moment before returning his gaze to his food. "I haven't had much success with 'letting it out.' When I do, it tends to transform into anger and I… overreact."
She let out a small chuckle. "Well, if you ever need to vent that anger, I'm willing to listen."
He arched a brow. "Somehow, I doubt you'd like what I had to say."
She looked over in surprise. "What? Did I do something?"
He smiled and shook his head. "No. Nothing like that… Never mind. It doesn't matter now," he said, standing and offering her his hand. "We should continue. I'm not that hungry anyway."
She frowned, wondering if she should push him to eat something but as her mother used to say, 'choose your battles wisely.' She accepted his hand deciding that the battle she had just won was far more important.
x.x.x.x.x
Kira insisted they cover as much distance as possible since it was such a long trip so the suns were low when they finally stopped for the night. She did a quick check of their food and pulled out a small portion for dinner, handing Knives his share. He surveyed the meal appreciatively. She'd picked up some dried fruit and a few other things that would keep their diet from being quite so boring. They ate quickly before brushing their teeth, washing up and changing for bed. The soft fabric pants and t-shirt Kira had bought for Knives to sleep in were much more comfortable than the clothes he'd been wearing to bed before. She extended her arm towards him, offering the small blanket. He wrinkled his nose skeptically, making her grin in amusement. "Fine." She tossed the thing back on the cart. "We'll get you a bedroll in Barstow."
He nodded, careful to contain a pleased smirk. He was glad to have an excuse to sleep beside her again. They climbed in and he lay with his front facing her back, his head resting on one arm with the other arm at his side. He watched a few strands of her hair move slightly in the breeze and narrowed his eyes. It wasn't enough. He wanted to be closer. He began inching forward slowly when, to his astonishment, she leaned backward so her shoulder was pressed against his chest. He froze. Was she asleep? Did she know what she was doing?
After a few agonizing moments, he reached out a hand and placed it very lightly on her side. She curled her fingers around his and pulled his arm so it was draped over her waist. His heart began racing and it took him a moment to fully recognize that the frantic pounding in his chest was excitement. Not the satisfied anticipation of well laid plans coming to fruition or the ferocious, driving excitement of battle. No… this was something new. It was… terrifying. But somehow the fear only seemed to enhance the thrill of it.
She let go of his hand and reached back, pulling his hips closer so his entire body was pressed against hers. A sudden wave of arousal rushed through him catching him by surprise. He knew about sex, of course, and had pleasured himself, but he'd never been attracted to another being and certainly hadn't participated in any sexual activity. There had been no others of his kind, and even though humans were physically similar, he had cast them away before he'd reached maturity. By the time he had sexual urges, the idea of fucking a human disgusted him.
But now… Well, a lot had changed, hadn't it.
He felt himself growing harder. She must feel it too since the thin fabric of his pants did little to conceal it. A pang of insecurity struck him. Was this what she wanted? Was this what he wanted? Before he could think on it further, she began undulating her backside slowly against him, sending him into an entirely new realm of sensation. He groaned aloud at the tingling pleasure radiating from his groin and gave in to the experience, pressing himself against her. He hadn't planned on this, but now that it was before him, he found it impossible to resist.
He nuzzled her hair, letting out sighing breaths as she continued her movement. He tightened his arm around her waist, using the leverage to push himself against her more forcefully. The increased pressure brought another groan from his lips and a faint snicker from her. She put her hand on his, removing it from her waist and gently moving it between her legs.
Oh shit. He had no fucking clue what to do. He began vaguely massaging her pelvic region as he racked his brain trying to remember everything he could about female anatomy. Right. They had a bundle of nerves at the top of their vulva. He should aim for that… although how the hell he was supposed to find it under her clothing was beyond him. He needed to go deeper. He pulled his hand away and slid it down her pants so only a single layer of thin fabric was protecting her. He felt around for a moment and then began rubbing where he estimated her clitoris should be. To his relief, she let out a gasping breath.
As he continued his ministrations, she stopped her enticing motion on his cock in favor of arching her pelvis against his hand, but to his surprise, he didn't even mind. He'd never realized how affecting someone else's pleasure could be. The feeling of her body trembling as she tensed into him, the wetness that had begun to seep into the fabric of her panties, and the sounds of her needy hums were more than enough to fuel his lust. He could hear her losing control and increased the pressure of his fingers against her, curious if he'd be able to push her over the edge like this. She let out a delicious moan and whispered his name.
Well… a name. "… Alex…"
He knew he shouldn't be angry but illogical offense took hold, rancorous enough that it made him pull his hand away. Unfortunately, she didn't seem to understand why he had pulled away. She turned over so she was facing him and put a hand on his jaw, drawing him into a kiss.
It was insignificant. He knew it was. It was simply two mouths pressing together… and… a tongue, gently sliding over his lip lower lip… and his tongue eagerly coming to meet it… But for some reason, as unimportant—as meaningless as it was, he found it irresistibly enticing. He wanted more of it.
She leaned away for a moment and he could just make out her playful smile in the last rays of sunlight. She began kissing him more fiercely, pausing for a moment to unzip the bedroll, giving them room to move. In a surprising display of dominance, she pushed him to his back, straddling him, her core pressed against his cock, and kissed him so deeply it left him spinning.
Not willing to be taken over so easily, he leaned into her, pushing himself to a seated position with her perched in his lap. His sudden maneuvering caused her to giggle and she began tugging at his shirt, which he hastily removed. She followed his lead, removing her own. He wrapped an arm around her waist, securing her against him, while his other hand reached forward tentatively, fondling one of her breasts. He brushed his thumb over her nipple, marveling as it hardened under his fingers. Without thinking he bent down and took it into his mouth, licking over the pebbled bump and grazing it lightly with his teeth. She gasped in response, bringing a grin to his lips, and he repeated the action on the other nipple, relishing the various sounds his efforts brought forth from her. She tipped his face up, planting a final caress on his lips before pushing him to his back again. This time he submitted.
She began feathering kisses slowly down his chest and abdomen. When she reached his groin, she removed his pants with his help and knelt over his cock. He gripped tightly to the fabric of the bedroll as she placed sucking, lapping, teasing caresses all around his erection without making direct contact, until he was throbbing with need. He was a moment away from demanding that she stop tormenting him when he was suddenly engulfed in a wet heat. His eyes fell closed and all he could do was whimper as she began sliding her mouth and hand up and down him. Why the hell had he waited so long to do this?
Too soon, she released him. She quickly slid out of the rest of her clothes and straddled him again, grabbing his cock and guiding it to her opening. She lowered herself slowly onto it. He grunted at the sudden explosion of heat and friction, thrusting upward instinctively, sheathing himself entirely inside her. She started rocking her hips against him sending waves of pleasure with every motion. He lightly thrust in time with her rhythm, causing a soft moan to escape from her.
She lowered herself so she was leaning over him, her arms on either side of his head, and began moving more forcefully against him. He dug his fingers into her thighs, pushing as deeply into her as he could. Gradually she sped up her pace, arching her back as she rode him and driving Knives into a state of frenzy. He bucked against her passionately and she met him with a desire of her own. He felt her pelvic muscles grip onto him and then suddenly, they seemed to shudder around him as she let out an erotic cry, propelling him into a quivering convulsion of his own. He pulled her tightly to his chest as he thrust into her a few final times, releasing the last of his seed and letting out a trembling breath as a post-orgasmic surge of euphoria flooded his body and mind. When he finally loosened his hold, she leaned back and kissed him slowly before climbing off and curling up beside him, her arm draped lazily across his chest.
"I wondered if that would happen at some point," she whispered, a smile in her voice.
He didn't reply, unsure of what to say.
She lifted her head to look at him. "Is something wrong?"
"No… I just… I've never done that before."
"… Done what exactly?"
"Any of it."
She sat up. "You mean sex? You were a virgin! Why didn't you tell me?"
"It didn't occur to me. Why? Should I have?"
"Well… no, I guess you didn't have to… but that's a big moment in a person's life. I kinda wish I would have known." She leaned over him and ran a hand through his hair, kissing him tenderly on the lips and then the cheek. "I hope you enjoyed your first time."
"I did," he said softly, a little stunned by how much he meant it.
She suddenly swore fiercely, startling him. With surprising speed, she stood and made her way to the cart, grabbing something. Knives watched her in confusion. In the light of the rising moons he could faintly make out her wiping a cloth between her legs.
Oh… Oh! "Is it supposed to do that?"
She laughed. "Well yeah. You know… gravity."
"I guess I thought it just… stayed in there."
"Believe me—I wish that were the case." He felt like such a naïve idiot. She returned and held a clean cloth out for him as well. "Uh… here," she said, almost shyly. "I guess we should get dressed and try to get some sleep. We do have a long trip ahead of us." He accepted the cloth and wiped himself off before climbing back into his clothes. When they lay down again, Knives pulled her close, basking in her warmth.
x.x.x.x.x
Kira awoke with a start the next morning. Memories of the previous night flashed through her mind. Yes. That had happened. Now what? She reached out a hand and placed it on the arm that was covering her. That had definitely happened. She turned to see a peaceful face asleep beside her.
Shit… She knew so little about him. And yet somehow she'd taken the guy's virginity—'taken' being the operative word. Sure, he had been the one to move closer first, but she'd pushed things from what likely would have remained semi-innocent unspoken cuddling to outright, steamy, incredibly satisfying sex. He'd done remarkably well considering it was his first time. Although how someone that gorgeous had managed to stay a virgin was beyond her. He must be younger than he looked. Or maybe it was because of his unsociable personality? She couldn't help but smile. She kinda liked his prickly demeanor.
She sighed. Getting involved with a man on the run was definitely not the smartest thing she'd ever done. Then again, it wasn't the stupidest either… probably. Maybe. Either way, this wasn't going to end well. At best, they'd make it to Octovern, part ways, and she'd have to deal with the heartache of losing the first person she'd grown attached to since the war. At worst, he'd be discovered and captured… or killed. Maybe he was a bigger criminal than she thought…
The fact that he was so insistent on hiding his crime from her was a red flag. Then again, it wasn't like he was keen to share any other information either. Maybe he was just really private? Maybe. But she'd be an idiot to let her guard down. She almost snorted. So here she was—the world's biggest idiot. Fuck.
He looked so angelic in his sleep. It was hard to imagine him causing too much trouble… She sighed and ran her fingers through his spikey black hair. His ice blue eyes fluttered open sleepily. They came to rest on her face, then opened wide, a blush spreading across his cheeks.
Yeah. He couldn't possibly be that bad.
She smiled and pushed herself out of the bedroll, heading to the cart to grab some breakfast for them. She handed him his portion, which he accepted, his blush still very visible. She felt a twinge of sympathy for him. "Hey, um, do you want to talk about what happened or anything?" She sat down beside him.
He wouldn't even meet her eyes. "There isn't much to say."
"Listen, you don't need to worry. Nothing has changed. I'm still going to help you out. You don't have any obligation to me, or anything. It was just a one-time thing… Oh! And… uh… I can't get pregnant right now, so…" she trailed off weakly, feeling her own cheeks go pink. Yup. That should put him at ease.
He nodded, his eyebrows furrowed. "I see."
Somehow, she didn't think her words had improved the situation. "Is there something else you wanna talk about?"
"No—of course not." He pursed his lips and looked up at her earnestly. "That was it? Just that one time?"
A bright laugh tumbled from her lips. The scoundrel! "Would you like there to be more?"
He lowered his eyes and went crimson again. "I hadn't considered it… but… yes. I would."
Even if he was a criminal, he was certainly an endearing one. She leaned over and kissed the corner of his mouth, amused by his surprised expression. "Then there will be." She grinned and began her breakfast.
x.x.x.x.x
Knives insisted on pulling the cart. He hoped that it would keep his mind occupied, but unfortunately, it wasn't doing the trick. His thoughts relentlessly circled around Kira and what had happened between them. And what would happen between them. And when. Tonight? Every night?
He tried to suppress his building anticipation. He needed to think of something else… Like how the hell he was going to reveal to her that he was the man who had destroyed her home and family. He could never tell her. Especially not now. He kicked a pebble viciously, sending it skittering into the sand.
She turned and gave him a curious look, but continued without a word.
What would he do when they reached Vash? She'd figure it out then. Would he have to leave her before that? How long did he have? "How far is it to Octovern? Will we walk the whole way?"
"No. We might be able to catch a bus at Barstow or the waypoint after it… uh… Berien. Not sure how long the ride is."
He frowned. "Can you afford tickets for that?" He'd kept his mouth shut when she purchased him boots and clothing, not to mention their food and lodging, but she'd have to run out of money at some point, wouldn't she?
Kira looked down awkwardly. "I have a good amount saved from scavenging, and… my family left me a lot of money. I can afford it."
She was exceeding his expectations once again. She was doing exactly what he hoped for… and yet… "You've done so much already—"
"Please," she interrupted. "I have no family or friends left. I make enough money to support myself and the rest is just sitting there. I want to help you. Please allow me to do so. I can at least get us to Octovern. Sound good?"
This was what he wanted—what he thought he wanted. This had been his plan. So why did it seem distasteful now? "Kira…" He sighed heavily. What could he say? He still wanted her help. He still needed her help. His complaint died in his throat and he looked away, feeling slightly disgusted with himself.
She scowled. "Whatever. We can worry about all this later," she ground out. "For now, let's just get to Barstow." She walked forward without another word.
x.x.x.x.x
Knives insisted hauling the cart again after an abnormally brief lunch. Kira didn't seem to be in the mood to argue so she accepted with an indifferent shrug. As much as he hated to admit it, he hoped the task would ease his growing guilt at taking advantage of her generosity.
By the end of the day, he was starting to regret his sudden attack of conscience. As usual, Kira's ire drove her pace. After the conversation earlier they'd been practically running across the desert. He was exhausted. Thankfully, she decided they could break for camp a little early since they were making such good time. After putting the crutch in place, he searched for the thin blanket and spread it over the sand before laying on it with his arms outstretched. Kira unwrapped her turban, set out the bedroll beside him and went back to the cart. She returned with a wet cloth and placed it on his forehead before handing him his dinner rations.
"Sorry about earlier," she said quietly. "I shouldn't have gotten so pissed."
"You have nothing to be sorry for."
She gave him a slight nod and began eating. He pressed the cloth against his face and neck, enjoying the cooling feeling of the evaporating water, and began his meal. They ate in silence, both staring out over the monotonous beige landscape. Once the food was gone they took care of their evening rituals. There was still a little light left in the sky when they were finished so they sat together and watched the suns set.
Knives didn't like this. The air was still heavy despite her apology and he wasn't entirely sure why. "… Is something wrong?"
She turned away dismissively. "It's nothing."
He hunched forward, resting his chin on his knuckles, his elbows on his knees. It was definitely not 'nothing.' She was likely still angry about his refusal to agree to her help, which made absolutely no sense! She should be grateful, if anything. After the guilt he'd endured and the effort he'd put forth dragging the damn cart around, she was mad at him for not taking advantage of her! He clenched his jaw, trying to shake the nagging unease. He growled out a curse under his breath.
"Alex?"
He nearly cursed again—that fucking name. "I'm just frustrated," he said, wishing he could explain things to her.
"I guess that makes two of us." She sighed. "I'm sorry… I'm in a mood. What you said earlier kinda set me off…"
"What I said?" What the hell had he said?
She smiled faintly. "It was more like what you didn't say. It felt like an entire conversation was happening inside your head, but I didn't get to hear any of it. And I know you don't want to tell me things and I already promised I wouldn't pry and that's fine, but… I'm starting to grow pretty fond of you. It's a little confusing feeling like this about someone so guarded."
He couldn't keep from grinning. "You're fond of me?" he asked, raising a brow.
She laughed and glanced over nervously. "Well, yeah… I guess. I don't generally sleep with people unless I'm at least fond of them. What, don't you like me?"
Now it was his turn to feel nervous. "Um… I…" Yes. He liked her. But to admit it so forwardly? "I… enjoy your company…"
"… Wow. Thanks for that," she said flatly.
Fuck. He'd pissed her off again. "You know what I mean," he muttered, irritated at his own hesitancy. She gave him a blank stare and he realized there was no way in hell she'd get over this if he didn't say it outright. He could feel his face heating up and he dropped his gaze. "I do like you. Of course I do…"
She ran her fingers along his jaw and placed a quick peck on his cheek. "Good," she said with a smirk.
"So, you're not upset?" he asked, a little surprised.
She let her hand drop. "No. For now, I'm willing to enjoy whatever this is and let time take care of the rest."
"I'm very glad to hear that," he said, his eyes glittering as he pulled her into a kiss.