Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction using characters and entities from the Wizarding World trademarked by J. K. Rowling. Original plots, dialogue, and characters are ours.

SaintDionysus and MotherofBulls retain dual ownership of this piece. Because FFN's policies do not provide for a joint acknowledgement of collaborative efforts between writers, please be advised that each writer has posted the story in its totality on their respective writer pages. Reader should be advised that this is not plagiarism. It is merely an attempt for each writer to work within the antiquated, draconian policies of FFN that do not acknowledge the possibility that authors may collaborate.

A/N:Okay people, since our last update, we pulled some awards in the Granger Enchanted Survivors awards! Trope Soup won Best Comedy and Best Quip for Trope Soup, MotherofBulls took Best New Author, Winner and Runner-up for Best Professor Hermione for Hot for Teacher and An Indefinite Amount of Forever, respectively, and SaintDionysus took Best Canon-Based Plot for Confessions and Runner-up for Best Aesthetic/Cover Art. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

Chapter Summary :Our feeble attempts at lycanthropy (LREarl is the fucking queen of this trope and I don't even know why we are trying)

Beta: We don't need no stinking beta. We are drunk and you have to read all our typos.

All the tropes we must try to tackle:

Marriage law

8th year

Headboy/Headgirl

Enemies to lovers

Virgin Hermione

Creature

Afraid of flying

Pureblood Hermione

Time Travel

Sex God Draco

Memory loss

Voldy wins

Badass Narcissa

Horrible Lucius

Protective Harry / Totally overt references to their platonic friendship

Best friend Ginny

Theo and Blaise as best friends of Draco

Crazy Jealous/Angry Ron

Ron bashing

A portrait doing something

Mentioning the slap in 3rd year

Mione/Drakey

Green Lingerie

"you're incorrigible"

Hermione "filling out" / suddenly has hot bod

Slytherin Prince & Gryffindor Princess

Following the Black tradition of naming children after constellations

Draco getting mad and calling Hermione a Mudblood

Rogue DeathEaters tormenting them

Amazing virginity loss

Terrible virginity loss

Bed sharing

"You're so fucking tight"—he'll say this when he's in her

"Mine."

So much smut

Slytherin Hermione

Drunken hookup

Magically locked together in a room for hours

Tutoring

Body switch

Masquerade

TROPE SOUP

By MotherofBulls and SaintDionysus

Day Ten: Lycanthropy

Narcissa urged, "Eat up, Draco. It's winter and the moon will be rising before you know it. You need to build up your strength."

He could feel the muscles and bones under his skin stretch and contract. Little tremors that told him his shift would be coming soon enough. Bollocks.

"Mum," he hesitated, "I'm supposed to go on the Hogwarts Express today." The Christmas holidays just ran past him in a blur. The timing of the lunar calendar with the school calendar couldn't come at a worse time. His mind wandered at the thought of tearing children apart like taffy. Not exactly the kind of stuff that would get him a head boy badge.

"Draco, dear, do stop complaining. It's not attractive."

"But muuuum. I don't want to be a werewolf."

"Well," Narcissa said, lighting a long, slim, black cigarette with a gold tip, "I didn't want my good china to be monopolized by your father's house guests either, did I? Do you think I relished in Fenrir Greyback kicking his feet up on my dining room table? Don't you think I regret not drowning my darling sister back when I had the chance at grandpapa's summer home?"

"Um...I guess."

A door swung open and the Malfoy patriarch swung open. "Ah, you're both here. Narcissa. Head to my chambers. We need to start trying for a new heir. Draco is tainted."

"Are you serious?" Draco admonished.

"Deadly," his father replied. "Now please wrap up your conversation so your mother an I can copulate."

Draco's face twisted in disgust.

Narcissa's face paled in mortification. "In a bit, darling."

"Wear the blue thing, or the leather thing. I'm not too picky." Lucius left the room with a flourish and closed the door.

"Mum! Is he really going to disinherit me because I'm a werewolf?"

"Life isn't fair, my dear boy. I'll do my best not to produce another heir. Now get up and eat your breakfast. I don't care if you're a werewolf, you still have to go to school...And I have pilates and weight training." She grit her teeth as ideas whirred in her head. Draco was certain her mother was training to overthrow the whole regime by herself.

"Dobby."

Dobby appeared, looking tired; almost as though he was tired of being summoned. "What?" He didn't even bother with the obligatory 'Master Draco.'

"How do I be a werewolf?"

Dobby blinked at him silently for several long moments before speaking. "Dobby is a house elf."

"I'm aware of that."

"Dobby is not knowing how to be anything other than a house elf."

"Perhaps I should better explain myself. I find myself in a bit of a bind."

"Dobby sees that, sir."

"It appears that I am all of a sudden a tad on the wolfy side and I'm not quite certain how to go about my days now." Draco was a Malfoy. Malfoys strutted, sneered, and smirked. Smirky smirk. Smirky da smirk smirk. Smirkety. But werewolf...that was something entirely new to him.

"That's a conundrum."

"You know the word 'conundrum' but you still speak in third person?" Draco intoned perplexed at the bizarre reality of how fucking weird elves were. "Find me a book, another werewolf, something, anyone—not Greyback, he's rapey—that could help me figure out this shit."

Dobby bowed so low, the tip of his nose brushed the floor. And then he disappeared.

Draco was left alone with an enormous amount of animal protein and a lot of questions. "Where's Hermione Granger when you need her?" He chuckled to himself and sighed. "Just kidding, Draco. You know you hate that bitch."

"Oh, but you stare at her all the time," Draco said to his reflection, on the other side of his face—his not good side—in a deeper voice.

"Strange. I don't recall ever talking to myself."

"I'm your inner wolf and I want things too." The voice was sort of sexy all gravelly and canine. Merlin, what kind of narcissist was Draco to find his inner voice seductive?

"Hmmm." Draco scratched his jaw. "Well, you're going to have to behave. I have a reputation to maintain and I can't be seen talking to myself."

"Wolfy makes no promises," said the sexy voice again.

Draco rolled his eyes. "I will lobotomize myself if need be. And you're wrong. I do not like Hermione Granger."

"Wolfy likes her."

Draco grimaced. "Shut up, Wolfy."

The rattling of the carriages and screaming of the younger students pierced his highly-sensitive werewolf ears. It left him no choice but to cast a silencing charm so he could read the book Dobby found for him in peace. "Finding a mate…now this is interesting." Of course it was interesting. He was a teenage boy who just liked sticking it in a hole. "Their scent will be irresistible and I'll feel a desperate need to shag her." He blinked at the book as he became momentarily distracted by a divine scent wafting through the carriages. "Is someone baking apple pie? I could destroy one or two of those right now." He resumed reading. "And I won't be able to impregnate anyone else but her. And she won't be able to have anyone else's babies but mine?" He thought about this and decided that it was good. "And I won't want anyone else but her for the rest of my life." That was a bit more odd. He had a hard time imagining that he could do the whole monogamy thing. He'd tried in the past, but he'd always failed.

"You will be with your mate and no other."

"Wolfy, cut that shit out. I mean it." The smell intensified and he took down the silencing charm.

"Does anyone smell hot chocolate?" he heard a disembodied voice call from outside the compartment door. "Damn, I really want hot chocolate. But not any hot chocolate. The really thick stuff from Spain the with the tiny churros. Where the fuck is that smell coming from? Fuck. I want chocolate and cinnamon."

"Hermione," a voice replied, "All I smell are teenagers who haven't learned to use deodorant properly."

Sounding annoyed, she responded, "I smell that too, Harry. Seriously, we need to introduce that to these purebloods, but are you telling me you can't smell hot chocolate?"

"Where's the hot chocolate? Where? Where?" Ron was hungry. As per usual.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Guess that's a no."

Ron shrugged and patted Hermione on the shoulder. "Maybe you're just about to get your period, Hermione."

She seethed. "One day I will kill that boy," she said in a deeper voice. "Shut up, Shakira."

"Who? What? Who are you talking to, Hermione."

"No one." She looked a wee bit guilty.

Draco sniffed the air from inside his carriage. Nope. He didn't smell hot chocolate, but he still smelled the apples. The succulently baked, not to sweet, still a little bit tart, apples. And it was strong.

"Hey dummy. Maybe chocolate girl is apples and you're hot cocoa."

"Don't be ridiculous. Granger is not apples. And 'hot cocoa' is Blaise's nickname. Not mine."

"Mione, we're going to find the trolley," Ron hollered.

"I'm right fucking here." She seethed.

"Sorry. Sorry. I forgot your ears are all sensitive since the—"

A loud smack could be heard behind the closed door.

"Go. Ronald."

The Weasel could be heard cowering. "Merlin, Mione. I hope for all our sakes you get your bloody chocolate."

"Oh, I will, Ronald. You can bet on that," said Hermione Deep-Voice.

"See you later, Hermione," Potter replied, dragging his daft friend.

Hermione couldn't shake the smell. She pressed her nose to the crack of the door closest to her. Her inhale was long, deep, and almost sensual. She smiled. "My cocoa is in here."

Draco's ears perked up. He stuck his own nose up against the crack in the door. "Apples? Is that you?"

Hermione backed up. "Malfoy?"

"Granger?"

Wolfy chuckled. "What did I tell you?"

Shakira snickered, "Ah-wooo!"

Wolfy huffed and puffed. "Me want."

Shakira demanded, "Tear the door down."

"Granger," Malfloy said. "If you come in here, you're getting fucked. Or eaten. I really want apple pie."

"Yes, well, I really want hot chocolate and churros, but apparently there is none. It's just you. What kind of a deal is that?"

Draco cleared his throat. "Granger, might I offer a trade."

She raised an eyebrow. "Go on."

"I think maybe your pussy tastes and smells like apples and my dick smells and tastes like hot chocolate. We could each have the dessert of our desires if we—"

"I'm not fucking you, Malfoy."

"Yes, you are!" Shakira said with a growl.

Hermione scoffed. "Whatever. I'm getting cheese fries." And she fucked off down the carriage to hunt down the food trolley once again.

"Granger? Granger?" Draco sniffed the air. "Where my apples go?"

"You did come on a bit strong?"

He sneered. "Oh, like you're so charming."

They sat awkwardly in the Shrieking Shack now understanding the attraction they felt on the train.

"Sooooo…" Draco sat on the dilapidated bed. "You were turned over Christmas break."

"Yup," she responded with an emphasis on the 'p.' "Well, a bit before. An accident. Remus was under Wolfsbane, and I thought I was being nice checking up on him and fluffing his pillow and getting him an extra blanket, but apparently that was not a good idea." And she showed her forearm. "You?"

"Punishment from the Dark Lord."

"Grim."

The two had been bumping into one another in the Shrieking Shack every month around their transformations. Draco always suggested that they shag to get it out of their systems. Hermione always resisted the fact that they were obviously mated.

Though, it was on this full moon on Early May, Draco could no longer take the rejection. Wolfy took over.

"Shakira," he growled.

Hermione was startled not sure how he knew the name of her inner wolf. Before she could speak, a gutteral noise left past her lips. "Is it time we finally take over?"

"Yes. I can't deal with this fuckwit anymore."

"Neither can I."

Neither Draco nor Hermione had transitioned, but the call to each other was unavoidable. They collided into one other with such ferocity, pure animal instinct lead the charge.

"Bite me, Wolfy. Make me yours."

"Wolf, do not bite me!" Hermione said just before kissing Malfoy deeply. "Bite me and I'll kill you."

Draco nipped at her jaw. "You are my mate. OUR mate. Shakira's human must submit to her mate."

Draco tore her shirt in half. "Oh, brilliant way to charm her, Wolfy. She'll totally fall into bed with us now."

"Fuckwit," Hermione said, pulling Draco in for another kiss. "I thought that's what I was doing. Now shut up and I'll suck you."

Draco whimpered as his stubborn mate sank to her knees. He bit his lip to keep from speaking, lest she change her mind.

She looked up at him through half-lidded eyes. "If you knot in my throat, I'll bite your dick off." Then she swallowed his cock. Lovely. Tactful. Sexy.

Looking down at the wild mane of curls at his mate as she licked his cock and balls, letting him see the canine side of her. She groomed him like and animal then engulfed him like...he was losing his tact for poeticism. Under this exquisite pleasure his urge to claim her became more apparent. His dick rammed harder and harder into her mouth and he gripped her head tightly. In a moment of clarity, his human side came over and began to repeat in his mind, Please don't knot in her throat. Please don't knot in her throat.

"Um...Gr-granger? Can I...oh, shit, that feels good." He swallowed loudly. "Granger…"

"Mmm?"

"I...I need…"

"We need to stick it in your pussy. That cool with you, Shakira?"

"Fuck yeah, Wolf-Boy. Give it to us. Oh, and don't forget to mark us. Make it a good deep one, too."

Hermione rose to her feet and wiggled out of her skirt, grabbing Malfoy by the neck and forcing him to back her up against a wall. "I still don't approve of the biting thing."

Draco devoured her lips as she hiked a leg over his hip. He held it there so she wouldn't slip. Can't have that. "Just roll with it, Granger. You're my mate. You've read the books. You know how this works." He rammed into her.

She gasped. "Just fuck me, Malfoy. This doesn't have to be a thing."

"You're too smart for that." He bit his lip to keep from crying out as her welcoming quim gripped him like the sweetest, warmest hug he'd ever received.

"I'm the...oh gods. Brightest." RAM "Witch of my—"

"Please don't say it!" RAM "Seriously, don't. My boner will absolutely die if you finish that fucking sentence."

She blinked at him. "Age."

He roared and brought them both to the floor. Immediately, he started thrusting wildly into her. "You bitch."

"Do it, you pussy. Bite her NOW!"

"I can't help it, Apples. I need to bite you. I need to mate you!"

Shakira took over Hermione's body and flipped her body to all fours. She backed that ass up welcoming that wolf cock. "I need to feel you feel you fill me up. Oh, Hot Chocolate! Give it to me. Quench my thirst. Yeah, you're all warm and silky, aren't you? Just a sweet sweet cock."

Hermione and Draco may have as well not existed. The call was to their mates was too great with the moon rising outside the decrepit building. Shakira and Wolfy were in charge now, and what they craved was carnal and magical fulfillment. Draco's canines elongated as his mate bent her neck in offering. The point above her pulse might as well have had a bullseye on it for all Draco could tell. He was utterly mesmerized by it.

"Uggggg," Hermione/Shakira cried out as Draco/Wolfy sank his teeth into her/their neck. After the male was satisfied with the marking of his mate, they began to howl and shift. This transition was different, it hadn't changed them into their werewolf forms completely—not yet. Hermione felt her hips widen and felt more sturdy on all fours. Draco felt all his muscles ripple and his cock enlarge.

They had been still too long. His dick was throbbing and ached, needing to plow into his mate and complete the bonding.

"DO IT!"

This demand came from Hermione. He made a mental note that she could be mean when horny. Since they were effectively stuck together forever until the end of time, he was sure he'd reuse this information many times over.

"I CAN'T FUCK MYSELF, ARSEHOLE!"

"Calm down, woman!" He moved. And moved. And moved. Merlin, it felt good.

(okay... so I wandered for a second. I'm drinking a new wine. I wonder if it has a high alcohol level. Also. I'm listening to the Teen Wolf soundtrack and I think it might be too emo. I need something a bit more...wolfy.)

(I'm listening to Patti Smith and drinking prosecco. It's wolfy enough. Now, for fuck's sake, let's let these crazy kids come already!)

They came.

(collective sigh of relief)

(No! No! No! He has to knot! And she needs to be all freaked out by it. And he pushes and pulls with her and they feel their wolfy bond take over. Because it's not a werewolf trope until someone knots.)

What she just said. All that happened. Wolfy bond. Dick knotting. Gold thread of fate or some shit or however the trope goes. Their souls melded together and they saw Jesus or something. It was bananas. And howling. Lots of howling. Because mated wolves.

As his dick softened and slipped out of her, their transition to wolf form completed. Wolfy and Shakira were happy. Draco and Hermione were cool with it too. They stalked around each other. Because it's weird to see werewolfs—with their big snappy jaws and fangs and elongated snouts looked totally ridiculous talking, they were able to communicate telepathically. For aesthetic purposes.

"That was fun," Draco thought. "Let's do it again after we howl and run and hunt for squirrels and stuff."

Hermione shrugged. "Yeah, whatever. That knotting thing was a cool trick. Just don't do it—"

"In your mouth. Yes, I know, Apples," he grinned, as well as he could as he could as a wolf could. It's not like they were pitbulls with their broad goofy grins. He was a wolf. It really wasn't as cute.

She grinned, showing all her weird werewolf teeth. "I think we'll be just fine, Malfoy."

"Mr. Malfoy! You do not sleep in my class!" Snape yelled and snapped his fingers at his slumbering godchild.

Draco jumped awake. Another dream. What a relief.

"Anyway," Snape said snippily, "For today's lab, we will attempt a potion I'm sure any teenage boy with a subscription to Play Wizard will be familiar with."

Porn? Did someone say porn? Draco's ears perked up immediately.

A throat cleared. "Malfoy, will you hand me those beetle eyes?"

He grumbled. "Of course you're my bloody partner."

They worked in silence. They were good partners. Both smart. Chemistry. Stuff. Yeah. It was a good potion.

"Very good Mister Malfoy," Snape said, walking away and ignoring Hermione completely.

She scoffed hating the greasy bastard. Like, he was foul, surly, and utterly eww. Like there was no way on planet earth she could have a hot for teacher moment with him or any teacher at Hogwarts for that matter. "I can't believe him. Malfoy, what are you doing?"

Chipmunk cheeks. He obviously had just been doing something he wasn't supposed to, as evidenced by the empty vial of potion he just took.

"W-w-what have you done?"

"Try this. It tastes good."

Hermione was on her period, so obviously, she couldn't resist. Because she didn't have enough vital blood flow to go to her vital brain-thinking places. And that's why women should not be presidents. "Oh. I feel…"

She didn't finish that sentence.

AN: Oh almost forgot to tell you, in case you aren't following our author pages (which you really should because we write a lot)! MoB finished An Indefinite Amount of Forever and SaintDionysus finished Drama Club. Feels good. So good.

So until next time...Shit! Our list is getting smaller! I guess Soup might eventually come to an end!