"Okay. Let's do the big question first, then the other ones will look easier," Annie figured. "Jeff, please ignore that I'm your temporary therapist and answer this for me," she said to try and get a last minute joke in. When Jeff cracked a small smile, Annie took it as a just good enough sign and went on. "Do you have romantic feelings for me?"
Annie kept her eyes on her notepad, knowing it would take Jeff a long time to answer. Yet after just three seconds, she heard Jeff state, "Yes I do." What's more, his voice barely even shook.
Now Annie had no choice but to look at him – and to bite her lip to avoid looking too won over.
Her new self kept her steady, since she still had a lot of things she needed to know, and she had to be calm and collected enough to ask them. So Annie kept eye contact with Jeff this time and followed up with, "For how long?"
"That's trickier to explain," Jeff answered. That was trickier to explain, Annie almost asked? But Jeff continued with, "These….things have been going back and forth for a while."
"Okay, let's delve into that," Annie let out, figuring that sounding like a real therapist once in a while would calm them both down. "Continue. Don't worry, you're in a safe place."
"Ironic," Jeff teased, then got serious again. "When I first met you, I felt you'd be the easiest mark to get notes and answers from. When we faced off over Troy and football, I felt….something different. Knowing that we were more alike than I ever expected, at that early stage, got you on my radar. Then when I went to your Halloween party, I was more aware that you could make me do things I've never done for anyone. It made you stand out more than anyone I'd ever met, even that early on. That's how I first became fond of you, although there's no way I could accept it then."
"And then the other feelings started in debate," Annie reflected. "But we both just had sexual tension then. I guess that's not when the really romantic feelings started."
"No, but I still knew you were….special. In a way that even Britta wasn't back then. I didn't keep pursing Britta to run away from you, before you ask. But when we became better friends, and when I came to you about Pierce's stepdaughter….and when I tried to save you from Chang even after I screamed at you..." Jeff paused to think over. "I wasn't head over heels for you back then, and I don't think you were that crazy over me at the time either. But I knew you had an impact and an influence on me that no one else ever had. Even then."
"Even then…." Annie repeated, before getting ready for the next tough series of questions. "So that takes us to the transfer kiss. Did you ignore me on purpose that summer, or were you running away from the whole Britta/Slater/me mess in general? Was it just you avoiding something until the last minute like normal? Or just to hide from me?"
"A bit of both," Jeff admitted. Annie waited for him to elaborate, but then figured she'd have to ask another question first. "Were you afraid the whole time if you faced me that summer, I'd be the schoolgirl nightmare I turned out to be?"
"Half the time, yes," Jeff conceded. "The other half, I was more afraid you'd be like this. All determined and resourceful and ready to find out what we both really wanted. You're really powerful when you're like that, and it's barely enough for me to handle when I'm ready for it. Truthfully, I was relieved when you were a schoolgirl nightmare instead. And a little bit disappointed."
"Because you expected better from me? Or because part of you wanted to address things as an adult?" Annie inquired.
"Really, it was 99 percent the first thing. I wasn't ready to handle addressing things, and I guess you weren't either. We both acted like the worst parts of ourselves back then. And we really work when one of us can save the other from going overboard. Usually it's you, but when it's both of us going crazy…." Jeff trailed off.
"I get it. And I'm really sorry I was too nuts to keep you from going crazy," Annie stated. "But you're right. You weren't ready, and you would have just denied me even if I was stable. That would have been even worse for me and I probably would have acted out anyway. Then who knows…." Annie paused to regroup this time. "I'm just really glad we're both getting better now."
"Me too. Even during this so far," Jeff tried to lighten up.
"Okay, back to treatment," Annie announced, ignoring how weak that therapy joke was. "So if you had any feelings for me then, you lost them on that first day. Or at least you ignored them better. When did they come back?"
"In lockdown with you and that pen," Jeff revealed right away. "So when we started stripping, then," Annie predicted with a tiny smirk.
"No, it was when you smiled at me after I made up the ghost story," Jeff noted. "Just to bring it back to the original question, this isn't when I had romantic feelings for you. I still hadn't gotten that far yet. But when you smiled and looked at me like you were proud of me….for the first time in months….it reminded me of how much I like making you proud of me. And how I never wanted anyone else to look at me like that before. Then the conspiracy stuff happened, and then we sang a verse with "I love you" in it in Abed's head. I think that was the closest I came back then to actually falling for you."
"And then Rich happened," Annie jumped ahead. "Is that why you acted out so much? Because you really were jealous? Did you think you were getting ready to be with me until then? If you were that close, then why didn't you answer my question in the bathroom?"
"I was jealous, but I was mad too. Mad that you could actually like that...well, come on, you've got to know how psycho he is by now!" Jeff insisted. Annie just shook her head, so Jeff went on with, "See, you still can't see it! The fact you had that much poor judgment about him, well, it….it reminded me that you have even worse judgment about me. So I figured by keeping him out and making you pissed at me, it'd wise you up twice over. And along the way, any progress I made about what I felt went out the window."
"Abed told me you ran out in the rain to Rich, when you found out he turned me down," Annie recalled. "Did you think even once about going after me instead of him?"
"No. But once or twice I thought I wanted Rich to make me better for you. Not just to exploit his power," Jeff assured. "I wasn't in a good place to think about that more, though. So by the time we had real moments together in the student elections…..the old feelings did resurface, but I could control them and excuse them more. At that point I was just relieved we were friends again."
Jeff and Annie both paused, since they knew where they were coming towards next. And what Jeff started earlier that year that Annie forgot to address. "Did you start sleeping with Britta all year to forget about things with me?" Annie started carefully.
"I didn't sleep with her every time we had a fight or adventure, if that's what you mean. That only happened once or twice. Most of the time I just needed to get off, and I was too lazy to find someone I didn't know," Jeff said bluntly. "Plus finding women I didn't know wasn't….as enticing anymore by then."
Annie chose to believe she had something to do with that. But just to make sure Britta didn't have more to do with it, she double checked, "So you were never in love with Britta?"
"Nope. We're not Greendale parents, we're just Greendale siblings who've barely looked after you guys after our deadbeat parents left. And as perverted as I am, sisters are kind of off limits," Jeff reassured. This helped Annie laugh, until she couldn't put off mentioning the other big thing from this part of the timeline.
"Why did you really deny the Annie of it All?" Annie asked right away to rip the band-aid off. "I mean, why did you deny it the second I brought it up? Was it because you didn't want the group to yell at you? Or was it to hide your feelings, to just not talk about it in public, to deny everything….or was it just because you were mad at me for how I brought it up?"
"All of it," Jeff replied. "Maybe being mad at your tactics came first, by a split second. But all those other ones blended together. You saw how that threw me off more than usual."
"Yeah…." Annie admitted. "I should have apologized for the way I brought it up, though. And for not reading into the right things. You did know there were far more real moments between us I should have brought up, right?"
"Did I ever," Jeff groaned. "I was just relieved you didn't bring all that up. So when I had a window of opportunity after all, I ran with it. A bit too much, as it turned out," he looked back before gazing right at Annie. "I never said I was sorry, did I? Because I have been for about two years."
"I never said sorry, either," Annie pointed out. "I would have then, but I was too mad at you at the time. Then the Pierce and paintball stuff happened, and by then it was just easier to forget about it. Like we always do."
"I didn't forget about it," Jeff confessed. "I think I thought about you more in that summer than the last one. And it wasn't because we actually saw each other that summer. There were one or two or seven moments where I wanted to go over and say I was sorry to you. In private, of course. Still, it didn't matter because I couldn't make myself do it. Of course."
"Why did you want to apologize?" Annie pressed. "Was it for how you denied everything? For sleeping with Britta? For not feeling that way about me? Or for feeling that way about me?"
"All right, then….now I can finally answer the original question," Jeff laid out. Annie then filled in the rest. "You had real romantic feelings for me that summer? Why then?"
"Because hurting you like I did all year did too much to me," Jeff started. "And I don't feel guilty about hurting people – not that long, anyway. So you can imagine how feeling like that for a whole year was weird to me. When the Annie of it All stuff kept eating away at me all summer, it just boiled over. And when I felt even worse because I couldn't apologize, even I couldn't ignore why. That's when I started having the dream,"
"What dream?" Annie let out, not even bothering to make a therapy joke about interpreting dreams.
"It started as a happy musical fantasy for a world without Pierce. But somehow, without planning it out, the song had the lyric 'And we're going to sleep together!'" Jeff sang poorly on purpose. "And….you and me were singing it. That's when I realized for all my denials, and how wrong I thought my feelings were…..the fact was I wanted to sleep with you. Age and the group be damned, I wanted it."
"But that's just wanting to sleep with me. Not about any deeper feelings," Annie interpreted.
"It is when it took me two years to accept it. Usually it takes me a day, or a night, to realize I want to sleep with someone," Jeff semi-bragged. "But that's with women I only want to hook up with and be done with! When I realized I wanted to sleep with you, though….thinking of doing that and then dumping you made me sick. Not sick enough to make me really sick, because that's impossible with this body, but you get the point!"
"Not completely, but continue," Annie insisted quietly.
"I didn't admit to myself that I wanted to sleep with you….because I didn't want to think of you like all the other women I slept with. I didn't want you to be someone I used up for a night, or used up when I was bored. I'd hurt you way too much and cared about you too much by then to ever do that to you! If I accepted that I wanted to have sex with you anyway, then I'd have to accept that that couldn't be it! That I couldn't sleep with you without having a real relationship afterwards! And that part of me didn't mind that," Jeff stated quietly.
"I knew by then I was attracted to you and you were one of my best friends. But that's the first time I let myself realize I had….deeper romantic feelings for you somewhere."
"You got all that from a song about a dead Pierce?" was all Annie could squeak out.
"He wasn't dead – not in every version, anyway," Jeff corrected. "But yeah. I even had that daydream the first day of school. Maybe deep down, I wanted to start trying to have it all with you then. Apologize, sleep with you, have the relationship – I mean, eventually, not all at once. But if there was a chance for all of it at once, I might not have turned it down."
"So you were falling more for me while I was losing my crush on you. Or at least I thought I was," Annie summed up.
"Then naturally, Pierce came back, I got driven to therapy, and you acted like a not-hot school girl in Model UN. After that, we were back to saying we were creepy. That's when I realized any….window of opportunity I had at that time was gone. They don't open very wide for me as it is, you know. And then we couldn't even be partners for biology, I wouldn't even help you move, werewolf you tore me to shreds on Halloween, and you stopped being sexy in your Glee routine," Jeff counted off as Annie squirmed in embarrassment.
"So by Christmas, it was easier to forget I had those deeper feelings again. And then when Seacrest Hulk appeared, I finally took fixing myself more seriously. And I ignored all the other things I needed to fix," Jeff wrapped up.
"And then Alison came along. And because you lost that window with me, it was easier for you to fall for her," Annie realized. "So you really weren't thinking about me when you got together with her."
"No," Jeff sighed. "I was too impressed that I had a real connection with someone new. She really did make me feel like I wasn't going through this alone. So much so that I forgot you already made me feel that way. But I was so busy getting better and having someone like her helping me, I….forgot easier than I should have."
"Forgot?" Annie asked skeptically.
"Annie, you do get I'm a self-absorbed jackass by now, right?" Jeff reminded her. "I just got caught up in myself for different reasons this time! I was sick and tired of not feeling any better, and I didn't realize you and the group was close to being enough! So when something and someone new worked for me, I got too excited to think about anyone but me….and Alison! It's what I do no matter what!" He paused and reflected, "Still doesn't mean I can't admit my mistakes when it's almost too late. Like always."
"Okay then," Annie decided to drop it and go to another angle. "When did you start thinking about how I might react to her? If you did think about it at all?"
"I didn't think about how anyone might react. It wasn't their business, I didn't want anyone knowing I was in group therapy, and Alison started as just a friend. When we became more, I didn't deliberately hide it because of you. I was keeping it a secret from everyone until I knew what I had with her," Jeff laid out.
"But you had to know it'd have an extra impact on me," Annie reminded.
"Of course, I just didn't think about it too much. It wasn't to be a jerk or to shut you out! I was too caught up in being with her and getting better! Granted, I was oblivious, but this isn't news to you. I'd ask 'Have you met me?' but I don't want to pay Chang residuals," Jeff recalled.
"All right, that's enough for me to believe you," Annie slightly giggled. "What about after I yelled at you?"
"That was probably straight up denial again," Jeff admitted. "Maybe I was influenced more by what you thought of us than anything else. I just thought I didn't want to be dragged into a cat fight or something! How was I supposed to notice I wasn't worried about anyone else hating us? You know how slow I am on that stuff! But then you two got along, and I got well adjusted again!"
"Until I took my leave of absence," Annie finished. "And we both know Alison had her own theories about….that time."
"She was wrong, but she was right too," Jeff admitted. "I was thinking about you a lot, she was right there. She was wrongto think I was falling for you then. I never had a romantic thought about you….that I was aware of….while me and Alison were together! When I let myself be a one woman man, I stay a one woman man until I'm a zero woman man! Not that I was a zero woman man much back then! Is what I really didn't need to brag about for once," he tried to cover up.
"I get the picture, Jeff. At least on that last part," Annie assured. "But with all those thoughts about me for three years….you really didn't think you still liked me? I know we didn't start off too great that fall, but it couldn't have turned you off me for good!"
"It didn't! I just forgot for a while! I got too caught up in my progress to think about it!" Jeff pressed. "All I was focused on when fall started was missing you, being Alison's boyfriend, leading the group and protecting my hair! Okay, maybe I should have seen it when I didn't fix it right away after the Mad Men thing! But no one was thinking right on that day, you know that!"
Annie did get enough of an idea, so she let that one slide as Jeff went on. "Then you came back, and I just figured I was happy to see you. Sure, I could have thought how I wouldn't be that happy if someone else came back….even Alison. But you were there and Alison was there and we were that much closer to leaving Greendale. Why would I want to pop that bubble?"
"Because you didn't see what you were doing. Because you didn't notice how much more attention you paid to me. Then you didn't see how it would look to Alison until she dumped you," Annie recounted. "But that's okay, I didn't see it either. And I worked so hard to kill the part of me that would have noticed."
"You worked hard to do that, and I just drowned my part out with other good stuff. But no matter what we did, we just kept getting drawn to each other. Even when we didn't want to or stopped asking why it was happening," Jeff listed.
"And look where it ended up," Annie noticed, not even bothering to guess if it was a good or bad place. But then again, Jeff just admitted how strongly he felt for her, at long last – even during those times when she thought he didn't care.
And yet she still didn't know where they could or should go from there. So she searched through whatever questions she hadn't asked yet, hoping one of them would give them some closure.
"Ask me how I feel now," Jeff proposed.
Annie figured she needed a few more questions to get to that one. But if he was asking to speed ahead."Okay, how do you feel now, Jeff? Go on, you're among…..friends," she hesitated at the end of her latest therapy impression.
"Am I? You and I both know we're not just friends. Friends don't think all those things and do everything we've done, together or apart. I could ignore that a lot better before. But then you left, you were hurt so much by how you felt about me, I missed you, and I hurt another innocent person I cared about. Then when we became friends again, I wasted more time ignoring everything, because I was too relieved we were talking again! But we don't have much more time to waste, Annie!" Jeff pressed on.
"We're leaving here in a few months, and we both wasted a whole year on this mess. Not to mention the three years we wasted before that. I could have realized then how I felt, told you I wanted more and then you, me and Alison wouldn't have been hurt at all!" Jeff predicted.
"I'm tired of hurting myself, and the few people I have in my heart, while I put this off. And I'm tired of trying to figure this stuff out alone. When the only person I really trust to help me is right there," he exclaimed while pointing to Annie.
"Annie, I know I want to be with you. That much has finally gotten through my thick, luxurious head. I should probably know that I'm in love with you….I just can't say for sure yet. Knowing me, I could just be in love for the sake of being in love, or to get over Alison, or to finally cross you off my bucket list or something," he conceded.
"I don't trust myself enough to know I want to be with you for the right reasons. But I can't figure it out by myself anymore. And I don't want to get so caught up in myself that I forget about you again. I did that long before I ever met Alison, but that has to be the last of it. Like I said, I only really figure out things, and myself, when I'm with you. So why don't we finally start figuring this out together?"
Oh God, now Jeff was asking Annie the questions. Or rather, the biggest singular question of all.
And while Jeff actually answered all those tough questions he ran away from before, Annie was just frozen. From the question itself, from what Jeff told her, from the realization that their entire relationship – or whatever they had – was entirely in her hands now.
From the impact of how everything she did since May 2012, and everything she made herself become – and made herself suppress – was meant to get her to this moment. This decision. The decision that she wouldn't hesitate to scream "Yes!" to years ago.
But it would have been for the wrong reasons, and she wouldn't have been equipped to handle the consequences. Now she was…..and still she couldn't say anything. But she did feel the tears falling down her cheeks.
She wasn't sobbing like a hysterical school girl, or even making any noise. Yet she was breaking down over the strain of tonight, the last few months, the last year and really the last four years in general. One last crying spree for old time's sake, to mark how for all she knew in her big brain, she knew nothing at all.
Not even her and Jeff, after all this time.
Because she finally heard everything she ever wanted to hear from him and more – and she still didn't know how to feel.
The fact that she couldn't just run up, embrace him, and be with him without a second thought even now….it had to say something. Either that she outgrew him, or she didn't want to be with him after all, or that they were to damaged to take a shot now, or something that reflected badly on her. Or that she was too strong to waste her time on Jeff anymore. In spite of how Jeff was worth wasting time on so much more than he used to be.
So of course he rubbed that in by going over and hugging her as she tried to stop crying. He didn't hesitate or ask what was going on, or even act offended that his offer was met with tears. He just came over to try and help her without a second thought. As he did for few other people except Annie. As Annie did for so many people, including Jeff.
Even when Jeff made her upset for some reason or another, she dropped everything to help him when he needed it anyway. They were alike that way. They made exceptions for each other even when things between them weren't so great. They put aside their own embarrassment to come to each other, because they knew the other would understand what they were going through.
Like not knowing how they felt about the other, for instance…..
And then in a flash, it all clicked for Annie. It all clicked in a way that nothing else had in the last nine months.
"Jeff….I'm no different than you," she muffled against his chest, before pulling back to speak clearer.
"I'm no different from you, Jeff!" she repeated. "We can be so sweet, smart and loyal to people we love! But we can be so crazy and vengeful and angry and greedy too! We're the same, so that's why we understand each other like no one else! And that's why we've been going through the exact same stuff here!" she set up.
"We both cared about each other deeply, we both expressed it the wrong way, and we both needed massive rebuilding projects to make ourselves better! I did it by leaving you to stop my crazy side, you did it by finding Alison and being a better person in therapy! Now we're both capable of really fixing ourselves when we have to! But we're much better at it when we're helping each other, and we haven't been doing that!" Annie realized.
"It's not like we've been capable of that lately," Jeff nitpicked.
"But we are now, so there's no more excuses! We fixed ourselves, but we're still confused because we couldn't get each other through this, like with everything else! That's why we couldn't sort the rest of it out! You're absolutely right about that!" Annie calmed herself, before admitting something out loud that she hadn't tried to admit to herself in nine months.
"Jeff, I feel the same way about you that you do about me. No matter how much I tried to hide from it or ignore it, I didn't really try to kill how I felt about you….how I always felt about you. Just like you couldn't kill how you felt about me. I just killed the bad way I expressed those feelings, and you killed the part of you that hid yours! But we still had them anyway," Annie highlighted.
"We went through so much crap, and hurt each other and Alison too, because we weren't able to do it together. Now we both know we care about each other so much, even now. We're just not whole enough to know if it's as real as we want it to be. But like you said, we can't try to find out alone anymore. We are more capable of being fine by ourselves, and that's great! But it's not as great as being great together." Annie admitted.
"I don't want to do this myself anymore, Jeff. I want to be with you and find out if I can love you the right way, like you want to find out. I want to be the one that helps you do the right thing and stops you from going too far, and I want you to do the same for me again. We haven't done that in so long, but it's what makes us so special together. And I missed that more than anything! If being together means we can get that back, then if you're ready….I'm ready to try and be too."
Jeff had no vocal answer. And Annie had already talked so much that she needed to rest her voice too. Yet their eyes told each other the whole story – just as they always did before. Just as they did whenever their mouths and stupid brains said something else entirely. No matter what they hid from each other and themselves, they could never make their eyes hide the truth.
And the truth was that Jeff was ready – and Annie was ready to try and be too. Once their eyes told each other that truth, this time the rest of them finally believed it too. Despite having so many words for each other during this therapy session, they had no words for that – nor did they want to find them.
Instead, they wanted to use action. And there was one action they had gone too long without doing. At least with each other.
Their first kiss was just to break the ice. The second one got them reacquainted with their lip movements and kissing tactics again. The third one had them savoring the new lessons they had learned since last time. And then the fourth, fifth, sixth and the next dozen or so kisses after that went by in a blur.
After the next half dozen, however, they both stopped at the same time. And once Annie realized why, she smiled wider than she might have had in almost a year.
The old Annie would have gotten carried away with this heated make out session, wanted more and acted like a child in assuming what it meant. But the new Annie was satisfied with doing just that much. She was more in control, less focused on the romantic fantasy, and more focused on beginning this new stage with Jeff in a healthy, mature way.
She wanted to keep kissing him a lot along the way, of course. Yet doing it just now for the first time in years was enough on its own. The rest would come later, and Annie was willing to be patient and more in control of her expectations in the meantime. The butterflies were alive and well in her stomach, yet she could manage them better than she ever could have then.
She needed to get distance from Jeff, find herself, grow up more, and then realize just now that she didn't have to sort through her feelings alone, to get to this point. And the payoff made it worth it.
And Annie could sense how big this was for Jeff as well.
The old Jeff would have pushed her away and denied he really wanted this by now. Even if old Jeff did want to go further, he wouldn't have stopped himself the way that the new Jeff did. New Jeff was showing her that he did want this, and that he was so relieved he finally got to kiss her again – and that it was enough for him.
He clearly wanted a healthier start to their new stage as well. As much as he wanted her sexually, he knew there were other things they still had to work on – and now he was willing to put in the work. And he was willing to trust her to set him straight even if he wasn't ready. Yet he already took a big step on his own, and it didn't look like he regretted it one bit.
He really wasn't going anywhere. And Annie didn't want him to.
They could just stay here, away from the world and their friends and Greendale.
Wait, weren't those last two things expecting them for something?
"Crap, crap, crap, the dance!"Annie finally remembered. "We still have to go to the dance! But what are we supposed to do there after…..all this? Oh God, we can't act like a couple if Alison's really there! Or did you make that up for your plan to get me here?"
"I don't know if she'll be there. Probably not safe to take chances anyway. Too many things have gone right tonight, so there's no sense provoking bad luck. Let's just go there and act normal….and we'll do the couple stuff when we go out for post-Valentine's Day dinner tomorrow night. If, um, you're free for that," Jeff stumbled at the last minute. "I know you have a strict studying schedule on Friday nights."
"Right, but I can just cram everything in on Sunday. More than I usually do, I mean," Annie assured. "So this is a date before our first real date, then."
"I guess that can describe all our past adventures now," Jeff admitted. "What's one more unofficial date for old time's sake?" Annie had no way to answer that except for a smile – her old Jeff smile, only with new promise and hope blending into it for the first time.
There were still so many words of thanks, relief, apology and even love that they could have said to cap this off. There was still so much they wanted to say and finally felt brave enough to. But knowing that they could say it later, take it the right way, and handle it the right way with each other's help was enough.
Really, the only fitting thing Jeff wanted to say, and did, was, "Milady?" as he offered Annie the chance to link arms with him. Like they did at the end of their very first solo adventure – the one where Jeff first realized there was something more to this girl. And now this woman had proven him right too much to keep stalling any longer.
So she linked her arm with his and said the only fitting thing she could. "Milord," Annie sincerely teased, as if the last messy year that led up to this never happened. It did and there was still some nonsense to clear up from it – but that could come later.
They were both well adjusted enough to put it aside, have fun tonight – and tomorrow, apparently – and trust in one another not to run from the messier stuff later. Was that love? Deep down they had an idea, yet there was still work ahead to get that far.
But they were finally Jeff and Annie again. All of Jeff and Annie, together. No more issues they couldn't defeat, no more uncertain emotions, no more emotions expressed the wrong way. No more guilt over their feelings, no more fears about what they felt and how they felt it, no more problems they wanted to hide from each other – at least no more big problems. And no more running away when all they really wanted was to find aid, a kind word and comfort in each other.
There was none of that now, or at least there wouldn't be if they had their way –and they usually did. It was just…..them.
With that, they probably wouldn't even break a light sweat.