Chapter 10

Jonathan hesitated. He had never told anyone about his scars before. Could he really trust Steve? He had never felt so safe and cherished with anyone before as he now did with Steve. He could feel his heart beat rising. His anxiety and tension had reached peak levels. He wanted to try.

''I….I….''

He couldn't speak. His words were stuck in his throat and with all the resolve he could muster he still couldn't get them out. ''I…I'm sorry. I want to, but I just can't. I literally can't.'' Silent tears rolled over his cheeks.

Steve softly stroked his hair. ''That's okay. We have all the time in the world.'' Gently, he wiped Jonathan's tears away. ''Come, let's get comfortable.'' Steve pulled his lover into a tight embrace as they lay down on the bed. Minutes passed as they lay down in silence, each engrossed in their own thoughts and feeling relaxed and safe in each other's company.

''It was my father.''

Steve was startled as Jonathan suddenly spoke up. He managed to control his reaction, in order not to upset Jonathan and cause him to crawl back into his shell again. He didn't say a word as he softly stroked his lover's arm in encouragement.

''He…he drank a lot. And when he did…'', Jonathan continued hesitantly, ''…he got violent. He always took it out on me, fortunately never on Will. He would get angry over the smallest things. Then he'd drag me upstairs to my bedroom and beat me. Sometimes with his bare hands, but often with his belt. It went on for years, multiple times a week, until he left us when I was 12.'' Jonathan paused for a moment and wiped his tears away. ''I always tried to be good, so it wouldn't happen. I was quiet, didn't get in the way, did all my chores immediately without having to be reminded, studied hard in school to get good grades. I did everything I could to be a good son, but I never managed to avoid his anger. No matter what I did, I was never good enough. I just wasn't what he wanted in a son. I was never good at sports; I was never going to be captain of the football team like he was in high school. I was never even going to make the football team. I was terrible at hunting; I couldn't get myself to shoot a rabbit no matter how much he screamed at me. I was a complete failure in his eyes. And I guess he was right, I am a failure. I have no friends, I have accomplished nothing...'' Jonathan choked up.

Steve tightened his embrace, careful not to hurt the other boy's arm. 'Hey now, that's not true. You're not a failure. Just look at all you do for your family! You work extra shifts to help your mom pay the bills. You are practically raising your little brother. And you do have talents! There is more to life than sports'', he grinned, ''although I almost can't believe I just said that. You are creative! You do photography, don't you?'' A flash of guilt came over him. ''Or at least you did, until I broke your camera…Oh Jonathan I am so sorry. None of this was your fault. Your father was an asshole...and so was I. Please don't think any of this was your fault.''

Jonathan snuggled up to Steve. He couldn't quite believe him yet about it not being his fault. But he felt that Steve genuinely meant it. He felt safe with Steve, like he had never felt with anyone else before. For so long he had kept his childhood trauma to himself. Now that he had finally found someone he could share it with, he couldn't stop anymore. The stream of words just kept flowing.

''Actually there is more. At first he only beat me. But after a while…he did more. Like what Billy did…you understand?'' Jonathan couldn't bring himself to actually say it out loud.

Steve nodded at him, shocked. He understood.

''He said it would be our little secret'', Jonathan continued. ''He said bad things would happen if I ever told anyone. He said my mother and brother would get hurt. And I was so young and naïve, I actually believed him. I was actually stupid enough to believe him.'', Jonathan sobbed. ''I thought, it must be my fault. He is punishing me because I did something wrong. If I just try to be better, it won't happen again. So I did everything he said and hoped that my good behavior would make it stop. But it never did.'' Jonathan paused for a moment. ''But then, a few weeks before I turned 12, I was just done. I couldn't take it anymore. So I told him it had to stop. I had actually practiced for the moment for hours beforehand. I was prepared for a fight. I was expecting him to be furious, to beat me for disobeying him. But he didn't do any of that. He stayed very calm. And he just said: ''Well, okay then son. If that's what you want, than that's what we'll do.''.

Jonathan had to stop as he choked up again. But this time he wasn't going to let it stop him. He had started telling his story and he was going to finish it. ''I was so relieved. But suspicious at the same time. I couldn't believe it was so easy. And I was right. He said that if I wasn't going to do my part around the house, Will would have to do it. And I just couldn't let that happen. Will is my little brother, I had to protect him. So I chose to stay. To me this is the worst thing of it all. I always had a choice. In all those years, I could've chosen to tell my mother at any moment, but I never did. I could've chosen to walk away, in that one moment of confrontation, but I didn't. How could it not be my fault if I made the choice myself? And to make things worse, a few weeks after I confronted my father, he left our family for good. That can't have been a coincidence. It must've been because of me. So not only did I do nothing to stop his abuse, I also caused my parents' marriage to fail. I could never bring myself to tell my mom, not even after he left. I knew she wouldn't be angry, I was just so ashamed that I was the reason everything was going downhill with our family. So I never told anyone anything. Except for you now.''

The room was dead silent for a few minutes. Steve had no idea how to respond to everything he had just heard. He couldn't fathom the horrors Jonathan had gone through as a child. And his beliefs were so off! How could he think any of this was his fault? While it was so abundantly clear that it was his scumbag father's. He softly caressed Jonathan's cheek. ''I have no idea what to say…I can't possibly imagine how it must have been for you growing up. But I do know one thing. That none of this was your fault. You never had a choice, he just made it seem like you did. He knew you were going to protect Will. He knew you had to fulfil the role of a father for Will, since he himself never did. He knew that fully well when he gave you that 'choice'. Believe me, that's not a choice. That's blackmail. Manipulative mind games to keep you in check. He knew you couldn't defend yourself against that. You were only eleven! Please don't feel guilty over this. You did everything you could.''

Jonathan smiled. He felt consoled and comforted by Steve's heartfelt words. ''So…you haven't changed your mind about me?'' He asked shyly.

Steve grinned as he turned his lover around. They were facing each other, barely an inch of distance between them. ''I certainly haven't. Have you?'' he asked playfully. Jonathan quickly shook his head.

Steve smiled. ''Good'', he said, as he pulled Jonathan in for another kiss.

''You know, there is one more thing I want to say'', Steve said as they lay together on the bed, recovering from everything that had happened the hours before. ''Your mother is really worried about you. Now that you have opened up to me, I hope you can find the strength to open up to her as well. She really cares a lot about you. I think it could help you both if she knew.''

Jonathan nodded pensively. ''I'll try.''

''Good''. Steve rustled his lover's hair. ''I have to go. It's already past my curfew, my parents will kill me if I don't come home soon now. Take care, I'll see you at school tomorrow.'' He planted a final kiss on his lover's forehead before walking out.

After Jonathan closed the door behind Steve, he walked up to the living room. He sat beside his mother on the couch and looked her in the eyes. ''We need to talk.''