Womanizer Baby

"What's wrong with Matt?" Hunter asked.

Jeff grinned. "Matt and Maria broke up."

Shawn frowned. "Then why are you smiling? You're supposed to feel bad for him."

"I know, but she broke up with him to date Candice."

Hunter started laughing. "Dude! That's awesome!"

"Shut up!" Matt snapped. "This is not awesome! I got dumped for a chick. I really need to get drunk right now."

Shawn sighed. "Matt, getting drunk is not going to--"

Jeff elbowed Shawn in the ribs. "I think that's a great idea Matt. I think alcohol will help you deal with your pain."

So the four guys drove to a local karaoke bar and had some drinks. Matt once again hit the tequila way too hard and he got insanely drunk. "It's just not fair," Matt complained. "Why do my relationships never work out? I'm a nice guy. Aren't I a nice guy?"

"Of course you are," Shawn assured him.

"And the nice guys get more tequila," Hunter said. He handed Matt another shot.

Matt downed it in a second and continued his rambling. "I mean, first Lita cheats on me with Edge. Now Maria leaves me for Candice. It's just not fair. I want the happily ever after tale."

Jeff patted him on the shoulder. "There there big brother. It'll be okay."

Matt grinned and pulled Jeff into a big drunken hug.

"Uh okay, that's nice Matt. Get it out of your system. Just--OUCH! THAT WAS MY NIPPLE YOU JACKASS!" Jeff pushed Matt out of his chair and rubbed his chest. "Fucking hell Matt, just because your girlfriend turned into a lesbian doesn't mean you get to pinch my nipple!"

Hunter snickered. "Hey you know what they say: the brothers that pinch each other's nipples stay together."

Shawn frowned. "Nobody says that."

"Maybe I do Shawn. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever considered my feelings?"

"No, because I am a man."

At that moment, Candice and Maria arrived. "Oh, hi Matt," Maria said slowly.

Matt snorted. "Hi? That's all you can say to me? You left me for a girl that's all--" he paused to stand up and do Candice's Go Daddy dance "go Daddy, go spank me, fuck me silly Daddy…"

Candice looked confused. "Um…that's not how the commercial went."

Jeff shook his head. "Don't try to reason with him. He's too drunk."

Matt ran up to the stage and got the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to dedicate this song to my ex-girlfriend Maria."

"Dear God, he's going to sing," Hunter said in amazement. "This can't get any worse."

Superstar
Where you from, how's it going?
I know you
Gotta clue, what you're doing
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here
But I know what you are, what you are, baby

Look at you
Gettin' more than just a re-up
Baby, you
Got all the puppets with their strings up
Fakin' like a good one, but I call 'em like I see 'em
I know what you are, what you are, baby

Shawn's jaw dropped open. "Oh my God. He's not seriously doing this is he?"

Jeff nodded. "He's doing it. He's making a complete jackass out of himself."

"Matt, get down from there now!" Maria pleaded.

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby
You-you-you are, You-you-you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (Womanizer)

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
You, you got me going
You, you oh so charming
But I can't do it, you womanizer

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
You say I'm crazy
I got your 'crazy'
You're nothin' but a womanizer

Hunter began to bang his head on the table. "Just because I like this song when Britney does it doesn't mean I want Matt to sing it!"

Candice gave Hunter a funny look. "You like Britney Spears?"

"Don't judge me! I can't help it if I like pop music."

Jeff winced as Matt gyrated his way all over the stage. "I know I should go up there and stop him, but I find myself too fascinated with his dancing. He's dancing like he's a hip hop video girl or a stripper or something."

Daddy-O
You got the swagger of a champion
Too bad for you
You just can't find the right companion
I guess when you have one too many, makes it hard
It could be easy, who you are
That's who you are, baby

Lollipop
Must mistake me for a sucker
To think that I
Would be a victim, not another
Say it, play it how you wanna
But no way I'm never gonna fall for you, never you, baby

"Does he even realize this song is about a guy?" Maria asked.

Shawn shrugged. "Honey, he's too drunk to realize this isn't even a break-up song. This song is about a girl who won't date a guy because she knows he's a womanizer."

Jeff bopped his head along to the song. "I liked it when Joel McHale made fun of it on The Soup. Energizer, energizer, circumciser, circumciser…"

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby
You-you-you are, You-you-you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (Womanizer)

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
You, you got me going
You, you oh so charming
But I can't do it, you womanizer

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
You say I'm crazy
I got your 'crazy'
You're nothin' but a womanizer

"Can somebody get him down from there?" the bar tender yelled. "He's scaring away the rest of the customers."

Maybe if we both lived in a different world
(womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer)
It would be all good and maybe I could be ya girl
But I can't 'cause we don't, you

Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby
You-you-you are, You-you-you are
Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer (Womanizer)

"I don't think there's any talking sense to him at this point," Hunter said. "I think we just have to let him finish."

"What do we do if he tries to sing another song?" Shawn asked.

"Then we kill him."

"What?" Jeff yelled.

"I'm kidding. We'll tackle him and beat him until he's unconscious."

"Oh, okay. That's a better plan."

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
You, you got me going
You, you oh so charming
But I can't do it, you womanizer

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
You say I'm crazy
I got your 'crazy'
You're nothin' but a womanizer

Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Boy, don't try to front
I-I know just-just what you are-are-are
Womanizer, woman-womanizer, you're a womanizer
Oh womanizer, oh you're a womanizer, baby

Matt passed out as soon as he finished the song. Jeff looked at his brother for several seconds before turning to the others. "So who wants to follow that?"