Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight; all original characters and plot are hers. All poetry is the property of the original author. The rest is mine.

A/N:

Sorry for the delay. After the trouble with lost chapters I got a little discouraged, but I am back on it.

Thank you, Thank you! All of you who have followed or favorite-d me. As I have read on Fanfiction I never realized how awesome it is to get reviews and I did not give them out often. I am much more liberal with them now. I am also going to try to reply to each of my reviews because they really keep me motivated to keep going.

Thank you for the reviews. Please keep them coming.

All of the BOLD print is direct quotes from the books.

My heart is heavy with many a song
Like ripe fruit bearing down the tree,
But I can never give you one -
My songs do not belong to me.

Yet in the evening, in the dusk
When moths go to and fro,
In the gray hour if the fruit has fallen,
Take it, no one will know.

My Heart Is Heavy – Sara Teasdale

Chapter 10 – Finding Balance

The first week after my disastrous first hunt and conversation was a futile attempt at trying to make sense of the chaos that was a newborn vampire. One of my new companions tried to always be with me. They would alternate and one of them would take me hunting each day, checking the area for humans before setting me loose. They were always there to help clean up the carcasses. They were patient with me as I was easily distracted and gave me space as my train of thoughts often led me to memories that tore me apart. Even thinking of distractions to keep me from remembering had not been safe.

"Well" -he hesitated for a short second- "I won't forget. But my kind... we're very easily distracted."

The flashbacks came on quickly and without warning and the sobs seemed to be the only activity that could consume me for more than a few minutes.

The only time I was close to alone was when I went to my room. Thanks to my improved hearing I knew they heard me every time I sobbed but they did not press for more information. Tony would give me a sympathetic look and a nod and Beth could not help herself she would always run to hold me, she would stroke my hair but she never asked anymore questions and I was glad for that.

For the most part I had held it together that first week, I had fed and cried. That I ended when I realized I had been the same clothes for just over a week. I was still in the close Victoria had attacked me and that I changed in. There was small drops of blood from the first couple of hunts. I was going to ask Beth about clothing when I noticed my bags. I was surprised that they had thought to grab them. I lifted the suitcase to the bed and was not prepared to see the contents that had been shoved on top as I was running. The first glimpse of his picture and it came crashing down. Every little memory that I had fought to keep at bay was there in my mind. In a matter of seconds my vampire mind was able to run through thousands of images of my lost love and his family. I was able to live through several small scenes and hear whispered words.

As the tidal wave hit I wanted to destroy everything. I wanted to rip the non-beating heart from my chest. I looked at the pictures for only a moment and though my hands wanted to tear each one into tiny unrecognizable scraps I could not do it, it was all I had left of them. As much as I wanted to forget the pain I knew memories from my human life may fade and I needed what I could have of him. As I stared on at the contents of the bag I could feel my hold on my sanity slip. I was hurt and my new body did not know how to handle such strong emotions. I knew I wanted to destroy what they left behind but just could not do it. I settled for destroying the room instead. I grabbed a chair and raised it above my head bringing it to the ground, shattering in into millions of tiny splinters. Next I grabbed the mirror from the wall and repeated the action. Remembering all the times Edward had stayed with me in my bed, I tore the mattress in shreds sending foam and batting everywhere. I broke apart each part of the frame until only saw dust remained. It only took a matter of a minutes for everything to be ruined and somewhere in my large vampire brain I thought Beth and Tony would be mad at me and at the same instant I knew they would forgive me. I fell to the corner of the room and sobbed the pain in my chest from seeing the perfect man who I once thought loved me, a love I was sure I would not feel again. He had taken my heart with him and left only a hole where my beating heart had once been.

After I was done with my tantrum, I quickly grabbed everything from my bags, the money, the pictures, Jasper's letter, and the CD, even the clothes. I shoved it in the suitcase and put it in the back of my closet. Then I went to the bathroom, showered, I would just where the same clothes until I could get more. When I exited the shower there was a change of clothes on the counter. A simple pair of jeans and a tee shirt. When I returned to my room Beth had already cleaned everything up, removing all evidence that I had finally lost it. Shortly after Tony returned with new furnishings for the room. Neither of them said anything or wanted an explanation. When I saw the new bed I quickly disassembled it and placed it outside my room. When I left my room again it was gone. They did not bring up hunting or anything and for two days the house was quiet. I retreated to my room where I would curl up in the oversized chair Tony had replaced and just stared unfocused at the walls.

Beth was the first one to approach me after the meltdown, "Bella, would you care to hunt today? Your throat must be hurting."

In truth until Beth had said something the pain in my chest was over shadowing any discomfort in my throat but now that I was focusing on it the pain was slowly starting to burn.

As we left she was slower more sedate and it was apparent she had something on her mind. "Bella, I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you" she began. I was lost, what pain had she caused me, she had saved me. Beth had never done anything that I was not appreciative for. Continuing Beth went on "When I heard and saw the vampire attack you, I didn't think. I had to save you. It felt excruciating to lose you. You had already taken place in my heart Bella. I cannot explain it, but you already felt like one of my children and I could not watch another one," she trailed off in a sob. "Bella I am sorry that you are not happy"

I had to stop this, she thought I was upset at her for changing me. "Oh Beth, I am so sorry. I am not upset with you. I appreciate you saving me from Victoria. I am so sorry that I made you feel like I did not want you to save me," a sob got stuck in my throat and stopped me from comforting her.

"But Bella you are always upset, you are in so much pain." she worried. "We know your past hurts but if you live with that pain all the time." she trailed off.

"I am in pain Beth, I didn't realize how much I was effecting you I am so sorry." I sobbed. "It hurts and I do not know how to move past it. I lost someone that I thought was going to be there forever. He broke my heart and I thought maybe this would change things but it hasn't and my heart still hurts." By this time Beth had put her arms around me and we had shifted to the forest floor. I sat with my head in her lap and she rubbed my back soothingly.

"Bella, it may not be the same relationship but I think I understand. I have known loss too. I lost someone very close to me right before or during my change. It tore me apart and for a long time I reacted the same as you and I still don't talk about it if I can avoid it. I have been in this life a long time and it wasn't until I realized I was going to keep torturing myself and Tony that I had to try to move on. I will be honest Bella, there are times I wish I could do what you did. So I won't tell you that you will get over it. But we can make it easier, together." Beth's words were like a balm to the tattered edges of my heart. Like she said I wouldn't get over it and right now I couldn't see it getting better, but for my sanity and my new coven I would try.

I was not sure how long we had sat on the forest floor but apparently long enough to worry Tony. He found us curled up under the same tree we had ended up under shortly after we left the house. No words were needed he
took Beth and I in his arms and held us again for how long I am not sure but sometime after the sun had set he finally lifted us from the ground and guided us home.

I knew I needed to change my behavior so the next morning I started to try to change my patterns. I realize that maybe if I did not dwell on my lost love and family, I could be an active part of the coven I had now. I could focus my attention elsewhere and by doing that I could relieve Beth's burden of guilt and maybe some of her sorrow for her loss. So before hunting I joined them in the living room and I immersed myself in reading. I won't say I stopped sobbing everyday but it got better and we started to find balance.

After another week in the cabin I needed to take another shower and I would put the same clothes Beth gave me on again. I would have to ask Beth how I could get more. Again when I exited there was another simple outfit.

As I went to thank Beth she cut me off "Bella, I know the outfits I have for you are not exactly what you are used to, I noticed the clothes you always wore before were high end labels, but we can get you something else the next time Tony goes into town. We can also make sure to get closer to your size, since my pants are a little long on you."

"No," I cut her off before she continued. "The outfits are great, but it would be nice to have some of my own. I didn't pick the," I cut off, how could I explain this without thinking of my old best friend. "The clothes that I brought with me were not my normal." I took a deep breath to hold back the sob.

Before I could continue Beth placed her arm around me, "I will help you pick out some clothes and Tony will pick them up for you." I nodded thankful she did not want more information when something as simple as clothing could cut so deep.

As time went on I started to learn that if I buried myself in a project; learning something new, a new book, a new skill or hobby that I would not have time to mourn or mope. Then forcing myself to do these things at a humans pace so one day I could fit in around them added to my distractions. First I had to learn to handle my new vampire strength and speed. There were a few ripped book pages and mangled household items when I did not concentrate on the delicate materials I was handling. There was not much to do in our little cabin but it was there with the help of Beth that I learned to needle point, sewing, and to knit. When I mastered those types of thread work Beth moved me to tatting to make lace edging for projects. I learned to do bead work for jewelry and to add to my other projects. I learned calligraphy which led to the need for pen wipers, so I learned to make those too.

Not to be left out, Tony would often try to help occupy my time with simple pastimes, like a round of chess and backgammon, he also would read from poets and authors to Beth and I. He would read anything but romance and I think that was for my benefit.

I knew vampires loved deeply and passionately and I recognized that Beth and Tony were holding back for me. I could not help the flash of sadness that would pass through me as he would gently push a stray hair behind her ear. Or how her hand would stay just a little longer when she handed him the current book he was reading. After sometime they felt I was coping better and they would leave together. I did not miss that they always waited until I was distracted in a project just like Renee had done when leaving me at preschool. I was very appreciative for the sacrifice, and the discretion they used. When I let myself think of their love for each other, I would often shrink and whimper for the love I knew I would never feel and the loneliness that eternity held for me. Even though it would make me think of him being surrounded by mated pairs, I never allowed myself to think he would feel the same way I did. They did still accompany me when I hunted and I again I was very grateful. I did not want to make a slip and take a life. It also was when we were most feral and animalistic and as the feeding frenzy cleared I was defenseless against the memories and pain.

Between becoming a vampire with the lack of sleep and modern schedules here in our forest cottage that I learned how disorientating time could be. At times it would seem that each second took hours to pass and days would fly by in what seemed like minutes, but as days turned into weeks, weeks into months, I was starting to see Beth and Tony as the family they wanted. They were not replacing my past family but carving out their own place in my heart and that scared me because I was sure I could not survive another loss if they left. However I could not deny Beth and it felt nice to have parental figures who genuinely cared for me.

Quickly a year passed as they moved into my heart and taught me new skills. Celebrated in my success and encouraged me when I stumbled. In their actions and words they helped me grow confidence in every part of my life but love. That had been destroyed and even as I learned to love them I did not love myself and would never feel worthy of what they offered but selfishly I would take it.

At times it felt like we had been in the forest forever but sometimes it felt like I had only been a newborn for a brief glimpse of time and suddenly a year had passed. I was ready to experience more but the safety of our home was too much to give up. That is why I panicked when Tony and Beth approached me and said it was time, now that my newborn strength was fading to test myself around humans again.

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