The Legend of Badass Zelda: The Spirit Temple
Authors Note: I apologize for the screw up on my last chapter on the version. The full version of the chapter is uploaded now, so go check that out.
Zelda and Navi are now sitting in Hyrule field grass.
Zelda: Not nighttime now, huh, jackass?
Well, It's not like it would work on you anymore…anyway, Zelda's energy is steadily restoring itself and she is munching on some deku nuts. Hopefully, they have been cleaned properly.
Zelda: They're roasted, so all the junk has been removed.
Navi: Who are you talking to?
Zelda: You, of course.
Navi: …Oh.
Zelda crushes one of the nuts in her hand and then eats it.
Zelda: I guess you can say…I busted a nut.
Navi: That's gross!
But not so unfortunately for Zelda this time, nighttime falls and some bone zombies come out.
Zelda: I'm about to get even grosser.
Navi: Oh no.
She throws one of the deku nuts at one of them and it stuns them.
Zelda: I just nutted on you.
She goes up to the stunned zombie and rips out a bone from its body. She holds it up to her crotch area.
Zelda: Hey, Navi. I got a bo-
Navi: GET ON WITH IT!
Zelda: Okay, fine! Sheesh!
She plays the sun's song and morning hits, dispersing the zombies. Zelda consequently whacks Navi with the bone.
Zelda: Don't ever yell at me like that again. You just got boned.
Navi: Hey!
Zelda: What?
Navi: Listen! Has it gotten hotter here in Hyrule?
Zelda: I think so. I guess I shouldn't abuse the sun's song so much. I could ruin the ecosystem. But enough of that; next is the desert colossus?
Navi: Yes. We need the lens of truth again…
Zelda: So without that, we have to wander the whole desert to find this temple?
Navi: I guess so.
Zelda: Yeah, fuck that. Fortunately, I remember that teleport song. It's the only one I remember besides the Temple of Time.
Navi: Well, that's a relief.
She plays the song and they teleport to the desert colossus. She heads inside the temple.
Zelda: Last temple. Okay, so now where? There seem to be two directions.
Navi: That small hole was for Link when he was younger. He had to get the silver gauntlets to move that big block to the right.
Zelda: Ah. Well, I can't fit through that thing, but I think I can move this block.
Navi: Really?
Zelda: Yeah.
Zelda walks up to the large block and channels some magic energy into her right palm and then palm strikes it. The block slides forward until it falls into its hole.
Zelda: I'm glad I skipped all that bullshit with the Gerudos. Last time I visited them, I nearly killed them all.
Navi: Wow.
Zelda: Yeah. Bitches were jealous of my swaaaaag.
Navi: What the hell?
Zelda: Okay, that was a little much. I apologize. Let's keep going.
She keeps going and opens the door. There is a three-door fork.
Navi: Go through the middle one. The other two we did to open up that door and other things we don't need.
Zelda: Cool. See, NOW you're being helpful without being annoying.
Zelda heads through the next door when a flying pot hits her directly in the head.
Zelda: Shit…I wasn't expecting that.
Another one comes and she ducks under it. Just before she can take another step, a Like Like drops down from the ceiling.
Zelda: Ew, one of these things.
She takes out her chain and whips it from long range a few times and it dies. In the next room, she is faced with the mirror with light and the multiple sun faces on the wall.
Zelda: I'm guessing I have to shine light on one of them to open this door.
Navi: Correct.
She shines light on each until the door opens.
Zelda: Bitchin'.
When Zelda reaches the next room, she stands still for a second.
Zelda: This place is huge compared to how it looks from the outside.
Navi: Tell me about it. Head up.
She goes up the few flights of stairs and then sees a switch across a small gap. She jumps across and steps on it. It doesn't budge.
Navi: We had to use the hammer.
Zelda: Ah, okay. I'll just kick it then.
She lifts her leg straight up into the air and then axe-kicks straight down, activating the switch. The door at the bottom floor opens up.
Zelda: That worked.
Navi: You're freaking strong, Zelda. How did Ganondorf ever kidnap you in the past?
Zelda: Plot.
Navi: Makes sense.
Zelda jumps down and goes through the door. Another giant block awaits her, and she does the same thing she did before by palm striking it with some magic. She repeats the process for the next block. She axe-kicks the upcoming switch. Nothing happens.
Navi: I guess it's not working. Okay, let's backtrack.
She does and then goes back up the stairs and through the door at the top floor. There are three Anubis waiting for her there.
Navi: They move in synch, make sure to kill them all very quickly.
Zelda: Quick is my style.
In a flash of light, Zelda blitzes each Anubis and cuts them apart with a kunai. The door opens and she goes through it.
Navi: For this switch, you have to make sure something weighted is on top of it.
Zelda: I see. One of those statues will do.
The statue she goes to move attacks her, and Zelda lures it to the switch. The instant it steps on the switch, she speeds to the door and opens it. A few doors later and Zelda is faced by the Iron Knuckle.
Zelda: Ooh, a tougher enemy.
She speeds over to it and lands a palm strike to it without any magic in it. It does little damage and Zelda is forced to dodge backwards when the Iron Knuckle swings its axe.
Zelda: That thing has pretty nice super armor. But it's nothing I can't handle.
Zelda gets in close and then waits. When the Iron Knuckle swings its axe again, she ducks and weaves through it. She kicks the axe straight up into the air and it sticks into the ceiling above. She then jumps up and grapples onto its torso with her legs and then charges up magic in both of her hands. The Iron Knuckle is doing everything in its power to get her off, but is making slow progress. Just before it is about to throw her off, Zelda claps its head from both sides with a large amount of magic infused. This smashes its head completely, killing it.
Zelda: Okay. Well, that was close.
Navi: Yeah, I'll say.
Zelda backtracks a few doors and then heads through a few more to find a room with a Lizalfos.
Zelda: Ah, one of these fuckers.
She quickly defeats it and then goes to the mirror.
Zelda: I think I get it. I need to connect these mirrors and bounce the light around to the room back there.
Navi: Correct again.
She bounces the light between the mirrors and then backtracks one room to see one big mirror with light hitting the ground and a sun face on the wall.
Zelda: Hmm…I don't have the mirror shield, so I'll have to use something more creative. Let's see…ah!
She takes out a makeup tray that has a mirror. She is able to reflect light off it and activate the sun face. The ground below her lowers into the giant room.
Navi: Reflect it to that face.
Zelda: Cool.
She does and then it opens up. She jumps into it and then heads through many doors and through the boss door.
Zelda: All right, which one am I fighting first?
She sees Nabooru ready with two scimitars.
Zelda: Okay. Let's do this, bitch.
Nabooru charges and starts relentlessly attacking with her scimitars. Zelda narrowly dodges each slash and then blocks the last with Nayru's Love. Nabooru then starts channeling magic energy into her swords, which put some pressure on the barrier. Zelda dispels the barrier, quick throws Nabooru off balance, and she gets kicked in the jaw and gets sent flying. She gets up after a second.
Zelda: So you've gotten a bit tougher, have you? Normally you'd be down after a kick like that.
Nabooru attacks again, but this time Zelda grabs both of her wrists and then grabs her shoulders. She looks at her straight in the eyes and releases the spell.
Nabooru: I'm saved…thank you.
Zelda: Don't mention it. We may not have been on the best terms, but we are still fellow sages.
Nabooru: Yeah.
Zelda: Just don't go after Link again. I've heard about how you tried to seduce him as a kid. That's fucking sick.
Nabooru: Who told you?!
Zelda: That fuckin' owl. He has no filter with what he says, you know.
Nabooru: I see.
Zelda: Anyway, go to the Chamber of Sages. I'll be there shortly. I'm on clean up duty here.
Nabooru: Okay.
Nabooru leaves. Shortly after, the Twinrova appear, already fused together and laughing.
Twinrova: Zelda, you came to the wrong place. We'll put you back in Hyrule Castle.
Zelda: I've been waiting for a magic battle with you assholes. I see you came fused already. Give me your best shot.
The Twinrova put together a giant fire and ice beam and launch it at Zelda. She activates Nayru's love and pushes back. They struggle against each other, but Zelda's barrier reflects the beam back. It damages them severely.
Twinrova: No! That can't be!
Zelda: Another easy temple bites the dust.
Zelda appears in front of them and lands a supercharged magic punch to the stomach. They explode and die.
Navi: That was awesome!
Zelda: Yeah, well time is of the essence. I fear that Ganon has become very powerful after all the time he's had with draining all the other sages besides Pent and myself.
The warp point appears and so does the heart. Zelda heals with the heart and gets ready to step into the warp point.
Zelda: You ready?
Navi: Yeah.
She steps into the warp portal and they warp away. They land in the desert colossus.
Navi: Are we going to the Chamber of Sages now?
Zelda: Yes. They will know where Ganon is hiding and I might need the rest of their power in order to win. Let's go.
Zelda uses Farore's Wind with Navi on her shoulder and they teleport away.
Chapter End