A/N: And we're back with Chapter 10! At last writing, John and Joss had a disagreement about how to best deal with baby Aaron's behavior, with John losing his temper with her and taking it out on his son. There's realization there, which continues to press upon issues of presence—namely John's in his new home and family—and the lack of it, even with the Skype chats, the doctor appointments, and the financial support John provides Joss and the baby for the things he needs. And, as Joss' mom said to her, it will only get harder as Aaron gets bigger.
But they do their best because they love each other.
Thanks for the read, of course, and drop us a line. Take care, all!
Aaron sat with his mother, on her lap, as a comedy film played on his grandma's flat screen TV. Now stripped down to an undershirt and his diaper, he was content for the most part, one of his baby rattles bobbing from his tiny mouth as he held it, then shook it to hear the sound it made, before putting it back in his mouth as best he could. The clothing change had come about from his spitting up some of his formula from earlier on, while he still hadn't fully calmed down from his father's scolding. His little tee was now headed for the dirty clothes bag, and Joss figured he'd be more comfortable just to play in his undershirt anyway.
She watched the film dutifully; however, her mind was fully fixed on just where Aaron's father might be. He had walked off in upset and hurt, but, of course, he had caused hurt too.
All the same, she worried about him. She had seen him in that state before: impatient, angry, then painfully sad for something he'd done, with the guilt that ate away at him inside. He had so much pain inside. She knew of the toll that the CIA had taken on him, knew of his loss with Jessica, and how he blamed himself for not being there to save her. Could he be feeling that now about her and the children? And had she been the one to drive him there?
She knew he hadn't meant to yell at their baby. It was never his way, as he was the most gentle and loving man she'd ever seen with children, despite his rough and ready persona and way with a firearm. He was the kind of man kids looked up to, wanted to be when they grew up. Certainly, his infant child did. Even a half hour after John had left, Aaron continued to whimper and look at the door, waiting for his daddy to come back. But the door stayed shut, and no Daddy appeared.
So his mother gave him a small bottle of diluted apple juice from which he took occasional suckles, and her mother switched on the TV while getting a light lunch ready, leaving some for John in case he did return before it got late.
About an hour into the program, there was a light rap on the front door. Joss' heart skipped a beat at the sound. Taking a deep breath, she kissed Aaron's head, put him on the floor, and went to answer it. "I got it, Mom," she hollered back to the kitchen where Corinne was busy loading her dishwasher.
"Is that the door, Jocelyn? I didn't hear the bell."
"Yeah, Mom. I got it. Knocking."
"Hmph, whoever it is could have rung the bell. John?"
"I hope so, Mom." She repeated to herself, "I hope so."
And of course, Joss opened the door to see John there. An eternity seemed to pass while they stood there, just staring at each other, until, his hands rising up and his arms opening slowly, he moved to embrace her. For several seconds they held each other, until John felt movement against his leg, and the sound of whimpering at his foot.
Upon seeing his father, Aaron had crawled over as quickly as his little body could, in search of the security, the reassurance, he so needed from him. And John was more than happy to oblige his baby boy. For he needed him too.
Gently letting go of Joss and bending down while she went to close the front door, he grabbed hold and gently lifted the child up and into his arms. Aaron hiccuped a low sob as John held him, and in kind, he whispered soothing words of apologies to his son against his soft cheek.
"Ohhh...my little sweet boy...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry I yelled at you. Did Daddy scare you, baby? Hmm? I didn't mean to. You're just my sweet boy. Just a baby, and I was a big mean daddy, wasn't I? Oh, God, I would never hurt you, son. Never, ever, ever hurt you for anything."
Joss smiled with tears in her eyes at the scene. John looked up at her warmly, while still consoling Aaron and rubbing his little back soothingly.
"You know what? You and your mommy and your big brother Taylor are everything to me. I know you don't see me enough, but I am your daddy and I love you. Yes...yes...Daddy loves you. Always..."
Aaron burrowed his head in John's shoulder, now cooing and digging his tiny fists into John's shirt. John nuzzled and kissed him some more, and then walked over to the sofa to sit with him.
Joss closed the door and followed them both.
"So...," Joss began as they settled on the couch. "Where have you been?"
John sighed before answering, letting go of the breath he'd been holding. "Just for a walk. Needed to do some thinking."
"Thinking? Okay. What about?" She gently prodded him like a child would a fish with stick, just to see what he would do, or in this case, say. But John was nothing if not evasive when he wanted to be, as his response to her proved.
"Just...thinking. About everything. And nothing at the same time." With a change of subject he was glad for, he remarked on Aaron's state of undress. "What happened?"
"Oh, he spit up all over himself, so I just put the messy tee and shorts in the bag and let him wear his undershirt and diaper. He's okay."
"I'm sorry, Joss. For all of it. You know what he needs much better than I do. You always have."
"Oh, John, don't. It's okay. Yes, he's just a little baby—but there are things Aaron understands deeply, even if he's so tiny. Not saying he's a genius or anything like that, though he's very, very smart, of course. No, that's not what I mean. It's just that, ever since he was born, I don't know, he's just always been more...sensitive than you might expect. It's like he knows things, picks up on them emotionally, really well. And he remembers. That's what it is with you and him. He's with me more, and he loves his mommy—but with you, even though you aren't here all the time, it doesn't matter to him. Sometimes he misses you terribly, just as I do, but if he can just hear your voice, just have that little bit of you, then that can get him through those tough moments. Like I said, he adores you, John. And he knows you're there even when you're gone away. He knows you love him. He knows you are his one and only daddy. You're his hero, John."
John stood Aaron up to face him for yet another kiss and a giggle. Aaron's unsteady legs wobbled and buckled underneath him, but he grinned and cooed in joy right back at John before falling onto him.
"Yes. Yes, I am. Your one and only daddy. I'd have to be. You look just like me. Though I'm glad you picked up your loving spirit from Mommy."
He turned to her and kissed her this time, slowly, lingeringly, until their foreheads touched, and Aaron found the space between them to explore the buttons on grandma's sofa.
"Hey," Joss finally said, warmed and flustered from John's kiss. "I'm sorry for what I said to you, too. I didn't mean to undermine your authority in raising our son. You are his father. Yes, he's a baby, but he fights against being denied what he wants, as most babies do, quite a bit. It can get frustrating, I understand. I usually just put him somewhere out of reach of temptation, but now that he's more active, that doesn't even always work. A blessing and a curse."
"That's what I should have done. But he's usually minded me immediately when I've told him not to do something, even when he was just starting to feel his way around. Losing my touch already," he chuckled.
"Don't worry about it. That won't be the last time you yell at him, trust me. Wait until he hits the terrible twos and threes, when he can talk back at you and stomp his feet. And at that point, he'll understand better, so the scolding will be more appropriate. And when he hits the teen years, oh lord!" she laughed.
"Hmm, I'll keep that under advisement. Much to look forward to. Speaking of teens, we'd better hit the supermarket before we head back, since we got one coming home tomorrow."
"Yes. We do need to stock up, since the pair of you can eat like some raging bulls. Oh, Mom put some lunch on for you. I don't suppose you got anything to eat while you were out walking."
"No. But I'm not so hungry just now. Is Corinne here? I'd like to offer my apologies."
"Somebody call my name? And yes, you will have something to eat, John. I saved you a plate, so dig in," said Corinne, carrying a tray with John's lunch on it. Round two of keeping Aaron out of the plates might very well soon commence.
Corinne placed the tray at the small table where teatime was to have taken place instead. "I think if Aaron is kept over here, that should work better this time."
Joss laughed. "Mom, you were so listening in the kitchen. See where I get the snoop gene from, now, John? All her."
"Well, it's not like you all were quiet. But I'm glad you're talking this through. Come on, John, have something."
John eyed the delicious fixins on the table, and suddenly his appetite returned. "Well, maybe just a little. Sorry about earlier, Corinne."
"Ah, that's fine. Like my daughter said, this is just the beginning!" she laughed.
Once John settled himself at the little table and began to eat, Aaron indeed managed to find his sneaky little way to Daddy's side, attempting to pull himself up by attaching himself to John's leg. John watched him while he chewed and smiled. That smile soon turned to laughter as Aaron tumbled onto the soft carpet, only to roll over and crawl away towards Grandma's flat screen once it caught his attention, mayhem his only goal. Joss was up like a bolt to catch him before any damage was done, gently turning him upside down by holding him at his shins. Aaron squealed with delight before she turned him upwards again and sat back down on the couch.
"Gramma would get both of us if you mess with her TV, little man. Here, let's play." Pulling out his ABC blocks, she held onto him while John ate in peace. Aaron mouthed the blocks and banged them together, both the lunch table and the TV quickly forgotten.
Their loved had smoothed things over again. But Corinne's words from earlier lingered in Joss' mind. She did have to tell him. He needed to know, the sooner the better. And Sunday loomed in the near-future.
"When Taylor gets home," she said to herself. "When we're all together, as a family. Yes. When Taylor is home."
"Did you say something, Joss, honey?" John asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin.
"No. No, I didn't say anything. Eat up, John."
A/N: Next up, a trip to the grocery, a little work around the house, Taylor's pick up the next day, and the winding down of the week on the heels of a secret. Stay tuned!