*** So sorry for all the new chapter e-mails that people on alerts are getting. I have no idea why this keeps happening, but I'm in the process of figuring it out.
A/N: Thanks for the reviews.
There is a peaceful release that comes with crying. The tears sooth the wounds in ways medicine can't. Crying heals the soul, while medicine heals the body.
This morning I came to the hospital to find Riku huddled under his sheets with a group of nurses surrounding him. It took a lot of prying and pleading but he finally removed the sheets from around himself, that is, once the nurses had left the room. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he had consented to the rape kit test but had freaked once the nurses asked him to remove his clothes.
It's been a couple of hours since then and I've been trying with all my might to encourage him to do the test. He's terrified; I can see it in his eyes. He can't stop trembling and he doesn't want to be touched. I can't tell you how much it hurts to see him this way. I wish I could tell him that the test isn't necessary and that we could just go home, but I can't. This evidence is absolutely necessary. It would beat me up for the rest of my life knowing that that asshole got free. And Riku would probably never gain closure from this. I can already tell he's living in fear of Axel returning. The only way to kick that fear is for Axel to be sent to prison.
Riku is currently trying to relax himself by taking deep breaths. I watch him silently, hoping that he can get himself into a state of calm because I can't think of anything to help him. After a few minutes he finally opens his eyes and looks at me. It surprises me that Riku hasn't cried once since we got here. It's also worrying. I can tell he's holding back a lot of emotions that need to be released. I know he wants to cry, but for some reason he won't. He always holds back.
"I-I don't know if I can do this." He whispers to me. "I want to but…I'm so fucking scared and worried…embarrassed."
"You have a reason to be scared, but don't be embarrassed. It's not your fault." I tell him, hoping that he'll listen to me.
Riku looks away from me and at the kit that's sitting on a small cart in the middle of the room. "I…I don't want to be alone in here…with them."
My heart thumps nervously at this. I don't know if I should suggest staying with him or not. He might flip out on me and get angry. Also, I'm a little nervous myself with this whole thing. Last night I read up on what a rape kit entails and found that it's a highly intrusive and humiliating thing to go through. The last thing I want to see is Riku suffering mentally. I can stand to see physical suffering because I can help ease it. But mental? That's another story. Despite my worries, though, I will never leave Riku to face something frightening alone. If he wants me to I will stay, even if it hurts.
"Will you stay with me?" He asks, looking at me. I can see the embarrassment in his eyes. He doesn't want me to see him like this, I can tell. But in spite of this he still asks me. God I love my Riku so much.
"Of course I will." I tell him. I test the waters and gently touch his hand. He doesn't move his away so I carefully lace my fingers with his. "I'll stay as long as you want me to."
He nods and looks away from me. I ring the bell at the side of the bed and we both tensely await the arrival of the nurses.
The three nurses who arrive are very gentle women. They are older than most of the nurses at the hospital, as they have more experience and compassion with cases like these. One of them unpacks the kit while another helps Riku from the bed. The third quickly makes the bed and lays down a large sheet of tissue paper over it. I'm not sure what to do at the moment. One of the nurses, the one who is supporting Riku, looks at me and then smiles sympathetically.
"I'm sorry but no one is allowed in the room while we administer the test. The patient has to give consent."
"I did…" Riku whispers before I can say anything. "Please let him stay…"
The nurse nods and then looks at me. "I'm not sure if you know what this test is, but we've already explained it to him and we don't want to waste any time. We'd like to get this over with as fast as possible. Please don't say anything or object to anything we do here. It's all his decision. You can comfort him if he likes. Please do not speak otherwise."
I nod and the women set to work.
The first step is the removal of the clothes. We have already hit a brick wall as Riku freezes at the request. Because of the situation he was admitted in, the doctors already removed the clothes he came in and placed them in individual bags for evidence if he wanted it. However, he is now wearing a pair of fleece pajama pants and a baggy t-shirt. The women prod gently for awhile, trying to encourage him to remove the clothing. They offer not to look as he does which Riku immediately agrees with. He tries to remove the shirt which is buttoned down in the back, but can't because of his broken arm and wrist. He looks at me pleadingly and I quickly rush over to his side.
"I got it." I murmur, unbuttoning the shirt. I pull it away from him and he blushes, trying to cover the deep cuts, welts and bruises that are far from healed. I ignore this action, as I know he doesn't want pity.
"Do you want to remove the pants or do you want me to do it?" I ask him, squeezing his hand to comfort him.
He looks away from me when he answers. "I-I can't…my arm."
I nod and carefully slide the fleece pants down. I can feel him trembling as I do and once he steps out of them the trembles increase. As with most hospitals, the patients don't usually wear underwear and that's the case with Riku. I make sure not to stare but can't help a quick glance to his private area. His hips are horribly bruised; the shape of handprints is evident. But those bruises don't even compare to the bruising along his inner thighs and up to his crotch. It's as if someone repeatedly kicked him there. My chest burns with both sadness and rage.
One of the nurses asks us of it's alright to turn around and Riku whispers a yes. He doesn't look at me or the nurses when they face us; he stares at the floor as if in a daze. I start to step back, knowing that I'll just be in the way, but Riku suddenly grabs for my hand and holds it tightly.
"Don't leave me, please." He begs, finally looking me in the eyes. "I-I can't do this…not by myself."
"I won't leave, I'm here." I tell him reassuringly.
The head nurse, a tall woman with dark red hair, takes Riku's other arm in hers and leads him to the bed. "Okay, what I'm going to need you to do is sit up straight. We'll first start with your hair." She says, pulling on some latex gloves.
Riku nods and sits up straight, his hand still firmly attached to mine. One of the other nurses pulls a few tools out of the kit box and hands it to the head nurse. I feel Riku's hand tense in mine as the woman sets to work on combing his hair for evidence. Riku had once told me that his head is very sensitive and that he doesn't like it when strangers touch it. Every few seconds the head nurse plucks a few pieces of his silvery hair making Riku freeze and breathe heavily.
"Are you ok?" I whisper to him when the nurse steps away to put the hair samples on slides that are laid out on the cart.
He doesn't answer me. Instead, he lays his head on my shoulder and squeezes my hand almost painfully. I wish we were done with this. I wish I could just tell him it was all over and that they had all the evidence they needed, but we are far from done.
"Okay, Riku, now I'm going to need you to lie back on the bed." The head nurse says, returning from the slides. The other two nurses approach the bed as well, each going to a separate side. They help ease Riku into a laying position before returning to the cart.
Riku's eyes dart around the room nervously before making contact with mine. I smile reassuringly at him and to my great surprise he gives me a small one in return. His smile immediately disappears though, when the nurse touches one of his legs. His reflexes are so quick. He jerks his leg back from her touch before a cry of surprise comes from his mouth.
"Hey, calm down honey. Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you." The nurse says sympathetically. "I know this is hard, and I'm trying to move as fast as I can so we can get this over with. I'm going to need you to spread your legs for me."
Riku blushes deeply and his eyes start to water. I think he's about to cry, but like always, he holds it in. The watery eyes soon return to normal and he nods shakily, spreading his legs slowly. The minute he does he turns away from me, refusing to open his eyes. His breathing is erratic and his trembling is noticeable. I continue to hold his hand, it's the only thing I can do for him right now.
The nurse gets to work quickly, she plucks a few of his barely there pubic hairs before taking some cotton swabs from one of the other nurses. I look away as she swabs his genitals and anal area. I do this partly out of respect for Riku, knowing that those areas are very intimate and private, and the other part being how abused he is down there. It feels as if my own parts are on fire just from looking at him. Like the doctor said, there is tearing in his anus which is visible in the opening. The rage in my chest is burning to be released. The urge to kill a certain fucker has steadily increased to something dangerous. How dare he do this to Riku.
When the nurse finishes, she hands the swabs to the other nurses and grabs a new one. This time she beckons Riku to sit up. I help him, and once he's seated she swabs the inside of his mouth.
"Are you ok so far?" The woman asks as she pulls a nail clipper from the cart. Riku doesn't answer her, the dazed look in his eyes is still present. The woman looks at me with sympathy before gently grabbing Riku's left hand. She quickly swabs underneath his fingernails before clipping them. Once done, one of the other nurses grabs the clippings and cotton swabs and places them in an envelope. The head nurse repeats this with the other hand and then motions for the third nurse.
"All we have left is to draw some blood samples and take a few images." She tells Riku, even though he isn't responding to her questions and conversation.
They draw two samples of blood, Riku flinching each time they do. Once that is finished they lay him back down onto the bed and proceed to take pictures of every single bruise, cut, welt, burn, and finally his damaged private area.
"We're all done." The head nurse says after they snap the last photo. The other two nurses help Riku dress and then tuck him inside the bed. The women leave information about counselors, STD testing, the rape healing process, and other general health information on the bedside table. They then wish him well and take their leave after they pack up the evidence.
As soon as the door shuts Riku pulls himself up into a little ball under the covers. He starts to gasp and it sounds like he's struggling to breathe.
"Baby, come out so you can breathe." I tell him, sitting on the side of the bed. He ignores me, burying further under the sheets. I touch his shoulder and he flinches. My heart hurts for him. I can't imagine what he's going through right now. I don't really know what to do. Should I continue to coax him out of there, or leave him alone? The latter option seems wrong. He needs support right now. He needs to know that he's loved.
"I…I'm so lost." I hear him say, breaking me out of my thoughts. "I…can't even think straight anymore."
"Oh, Riku…" I murmur. I touch his shoulder again, but this time he doesn't flinch. He sits up slowly, finally facing me.
"I don't want to talk about it." He says, letting out a shaky breath. "C-can you just hold me?"
My heart flutters at his request. Of course I will. Anything for my baby.
"Absolutely, princess." I tell him, sitting on the bed and pulling him into my arms. He rests his chin on my shoulder and I rub soft circles on his back.
"We get to leave tomorrow, you know?" I whisper in his ear. "I can't wait to get you out of here."
To my utter amazement, I feel Riku smile into my neck. "I can't wait to go home…" He says quietly, before closing his eyes. We stay like this in silence, Riku dozing off every now and then. When he finally falls asleep for the night is when I let down my guard.
Despite putting on a strong front for people, inside I'm a mess. Riku's suffering has had a greater affect on me than I first thought was possible. The fact that he doesn't cry makes me want to cry. The fact that he struggles to eat makes me not want to eat. The fact that he can't sleep easily makes me want to stay awake. And the fact that he's constantly in pain makes me want to feel pain. I so desperately want him to be healed from this. I want him to feel safe and secure. I want him to smile that beautiful smile of his and I want to hear his laughter which I haven't heard in almost a year. I want him to be happy. Truly happy.
And so regardless of my earlier strength, I break down. The tears roll freely down my cheeks and land on his soft silver hair causing them to look darker than they are. I cry for his horrible life and the horrible people in his life. I cry for his pain and suffering. I cry for his low self-esteem and inability to see worth in himself. I cry for his fear and loneliness. I cry for him.
I only wish he would cry for himself. Crying does the body a load of good, I know from firsthand experience. If only he would let his emotions out. If only he would let me know what he's really thinking. If only, if only.
I tighten my hold on his body and sob for the rest of the night.