Tainted with Disaster

Timmy sat in class that day doodling the Crimson Chin and Crash Nebula on his notebook. Cosmo and Wanda were sitting on his desk disguised as pencils flirting.

"Guys, stop it. You're freaking me out," he mumbled.

Cosmo stopped tickling Wanda's chin. "Sorry Timmy." He whispered in Wanda's ear, "We'll finish this later." Her face turned completely red and she looked up to make sure Timmy hadn't heard but he was busy doodling on his notebook ignoring Mr. Crocker talking.

Crocker paced around the room. "Now class, your projects are due on Friday." He stopped in front of Timmy's desk. "And Turner, when you do your 'parent' I'll finally be able to prove to the world that you have FAIRY GOD PARENTS!" he exclaimed jumping around in the crazy way that he did. "And when you turn in your project, I can give you an F!" he said jumping around again.

He leaned against Timmy's desk looking him in the eye. Timmy stared at him back not batting and eyelash. "Your breath stinks," he said defiantly.

Crocker's glare hardened. "Mark my words Turner, one day…!"

The bell rang signaling the end of class and everyone left. After getting his things, Timmy walked home with Cosmo and Wanda flying next to him as butterflies. "Mr. Crocker needs to chill out. He's never going to catch you guys," Timmy said.

"Maybe you should give him some chill pills and some tic tacs," Cosmo suggested.

Timmy thought about that. "Okay, I wish for that." Cosmo and Wanda raised their wands and granted the wish. "So, tell me more about the god kids you had before me. Were they all as good as me and Susie?"

Cosmo and Wanda glanced at each other. "Well Timmy, not all of them were good kids," Wanda began.

"And not all of the assignments we had turned out as good," Cosmo said. "Sometimes things were…I don't know…"

"Tainted with disaster," Wanda finished.

"Yeah that's it," Cosmo said smiling. Then his face fell realizing that wasn't a good thing. "That's it," he said with less enthusiasm.

"Okay, now I really wanna know!" Timmy said excitedly.

Cosmo and Wanda had god child after god child after Susie. However, not all of their god-parenting jobs were successful. Not to say that their time with Susie was perfect, but many times they weren't able to keep their other god children as long.

They'd been exposed several times over the years. It was practically the number one rule, do not let anyone else find out about you besides your god child or you're going back to Fairy World.

One of those times was when they were with their fifth god child, Sam. They were outside playing in the backyard and Sam went to go get lemonade from inside. Cosmo and Wanda were flying around in the backyard in their normal forms. Cosmo wasn't paying attention to where he was going and slammed into a tree. Wanda wasn't able to stop and slammed straight into him, then they both fell to the ground.

Sam came outside and just as he came out another friend came around the backyard. "Hey Sam, what was that flying over here, a fairy?" he meant it to be a joke.

Sam shook his head quickly. "No, of course not!"

Cosmo and Wanda stood up trying to shake the dizziness. "Fairy? Yeah we're fairies, so what?" he said still disoriented.

Sam's friend gasped. "You have fairy god parents?"

Sam shook his head again desperately. "No!"

Wanda elbowed Cosmo angrily. "Cosmo, you idiot! Why would you do that?" Suddenly the giant purple rule book appeared above them and sucked them back in. They were taken back to Fairy World and Sam's memory was wiped.

A few other times they were exposed by the child or by their own stupidity.

Another time they were exposed was really the most embarrassing thing to ever happen. Their god child was at school and they lost track of time. When the girl got back she caught Cosmo on top of Wanda taking her clothes off…

Timmy held up his hands to stop them. "Okay, okay, too much!"

"Oh, sorry," Cosmo said.

"Keep it PG, honey," Wanda said to him.

Well, anyway, they were caught in an intimate situation and then the kid's mom came in and Cosmo and Wanda were taken back to Fairy World. When they got back, they faced a long lecture from Jorgen about keeping their intimacy a private thing from their god kids and that this was the most ridiculous reason he had ever heard for god parents getting taken away.

The shortest time they'd ever had a god child was about a hundred years before they were Timmy's god parents. They had been Josh's parents for two days. They had gone on a trip to the Grand Canyon with Josh and his parents. While they were there, there was this kid constantly throwing little rocks at him.

"I wish a rock would hit him so he'll leave me alone," Josh said to Cosmo and Wanda.

Cosmo raised his wand and a big rock appeared and knocked his parents off the cliff.

"Oh my god what did you do?" Josh exclaimed looking at his parents falling.

"Wait, you said hit the kid over there? I thought you meant hit them," Cosmo said.

Wanda glared at him for a moment. Then she flew over to where his parents had fallen. "Don't worry Josh, I'll save them." A trampoline appeared at the bottom of the cliff. His parents bounced off it, were thrown ten feet into the air, then they landed on cactus plants. "Uh oh."

Soon, Josh's parents were in the hospital and he looked really sad about it. "Sorry Josh," Wanda said. She felt extremely guilty for what had happened and the pitiful look on Josh's face wasn't helping. But of course it was nothing a little magic couldn't fix. "Do you want us to…?"

Josh glared at them with teary eyes. "You could have killed them!"

"It was an accident…" Cosmo said.

"I don't care! I wish you'd go away forever!"

Suddenly a fairy taxi appeared. The driver came out. "I got a call from two fairies who were fired..." He looked at Cosmo and Wanda. He rolled his eyes. He'd picked Cosmo and Wanda up many times before and it didn't really surprise him. "Oh, you two again. Alright, in the cab."

Wanda looked at Josh with pleading eyes. "Are you sure Josh? Nothing like this will ever happen again…"

"Yes! Go away!"

Cosmo and Wanda got in the cab and were taken back to Fairy World. They were dropped off at Jorgen's office because apparently he wanted to speak with them about their latest failure. They sat out in the lobby waiting for Jorgen to come out and yell at them. Finally the secretary told them to come in.

"Congratulations Cosmo and Wanda, you've just set the record for having a god child for the shortest amount of time in 50,000 years. Only you could accomplish something like that."

"It was an accident. We didn't mean to almost kill his parents," Wanda tried to explain.

"Yeah, how was Wanda supposed to know that a trampoline would hurt them?" Cosmo said trying to take the load off himself a little bit. He earned a glare and a slap on the shoulder from her.

Jorgen gave them both such a menacing glare they shrank away shaking in fear. "You know, I'm getting really sick of having you two come in here every other month because you fail miserably as fairy god parents! Your first time was a fluke! You've nearly killed a child's parents, you've been exposed god knows how many times, you even made the freaking dodo bird go extinct! You two are the worst, most incompetent god parent's I've ever seen in my life!"

"You've got a little something on your face…" Cosmo said softly pointing to his forehead.

"SILENCE!" Jorgen shouted. "I should revoke your god parenting licenses since it seems that you are too irresponsible to have one!"

Wanda's eyes widened. "Oh no, Jorgen I don't think that's necessary…"

Jorgen held up his hand to silence her. "I'll think about it. I'll call you back in here when I decided whether you're good enough to continue being fairy god parents. Get out!"

Cosmo and Wanda poofed back home. Over the next few days they didn't get any kind of call from Jorgen and they were starting to get very worried. A few days later Cosmo lay down on the living room couch watching Wanda fly this way and that around the house. First she was vacuuming, then she was dusting, then cleaning the tables and shelves. Most fairies didn't bother with manual labor but whenever Wanda was nervous she cleaned.

"Wanda, relax," he said after a while.

"I can't relax," Wanda said as she scrubbed one of the side tables. "Jorgen's going to revoke our god parenting licenses, I know it."

Cosmo sat up. "Baby, come sit down." Wanda put down her rag and cleaner and flew over to him and rested her head on his chest. "I'm sorry Wanda. It's my fault that this happened."

Wanda shook her head. "Don't blame yourself Cosmo. It was just as much my fault."

He kissed her forehead. "He won't revoke our god parenting licenses. He can't do that."

"Yeah he can," Wanda pointed out.

"Well he won't," he said trying to make her feel better.

The next day they were summoned back to Jorgen's office. He looked down at them with his arms crossed not making them feel any better about the situation. "So, I've done a lot of thinking…"

"We get to keep being fairy god parents right?" Cosmo interrupted.

Jorgen sighed. "Yes. You get one more chance. I mean that, one more chance," he said firmly. "But if you fail this time you'll never get to go back to earth and be fairy god parents again. Understand?"

Cosmo and Wanda saluted. "Yes Sir Mr. Jorgen sir!"

"Alright, here's your next assignment. This time you'd better show some responsibility and competence if you know what's good for you." He poofed them away and put his face in his hand. He'd dealt with a lot of fairies over the years. Some made him want to quit his job and relieve this constant head ache. But these two idiots were turning out to be the worst. He was starting to think they were the reason his hair turned white (little did he know how much the irritation would increase after they got Timmy).

Surprisingly, Cosmo and Wanda kept this next kid until he outgrew fairies and they weren't fired for good.

Timmy was laughing by the end of the story.

"You think that's funny huh?" Wanda said.

"Yeah it's funny! Hey, if all of that was so bad, who was your worst god child?"

"Well remember when you came into our house that night and met Maryann?" Cosmo asked. Timmy nodded. "That's her, the worst god child in history."

About 20 years after the god child they had after nearly getting fired for good, they had a god child named Maryann. She lived in North Carolina and they had been her god parents for nearly two years. However, Maryann turned out to be a brat. They'd had several bad god children before, sometimes the behavior changed; a few times they ended up reassigned to a more grateful kid. None of them were like Maryann though. She was rude, she bossed them around, and she made wishes that hurt other people. Cosmo and Wanda didn't want to grant these wishes. Sometimes they were let off easy because certain wishes were against the rules but other times they weren't and they had no choice. The two of them were nearing the end. Maryann had only two weeks ago wished for the death of Archduke Francis Ferdinand because his face creeped her out and it was circulating through the news about some World War 1.

Maryann was at school right now and Wanda was inside of her and Cosmo's castle in the fishbowl they disguised themselves in watching what was happening now concerning the war. She put her face in her hands. "This isn't good."

Cosmo flew over and sat next to her. "Do you think they'll call us to court because of this?"

Wanda nodded. "It wouldn't surprise me." She picked up the remote and turned off the TV. "Cosmo I can't do this anymore. We've tried so hard to give Maryann a chance but all she ever does is work us like her slaves and make these terrible wishes. Now she's killed this man and is causing consequences for thousands of people. I don't know how much more we can take."

Cosmo leaned back on the couch. "What should we do about it though? It doesn't seem like Maryann will get any better like Joseph and Amara did." They were silent for a moment as they contemplated their situation. "You wanna quit?" Cosmo suggested.

Wanda looked at him. "You think we should quit?"

Cosmo shrugged. "It wouldn't be the first time we had to do it." They had only quit once before. Many years ago they quit being god parents to a boy named boy named James. Maryann was worse though, no one had died back when they were James' god parents.

Wanda looked at the picture of Maryann they had on the coffee table. She looked so innocent there, why couldn't she be like that? "Oh but Cosmo, I would hate to leave her alone like that…"

Suddenly they heard the door slam open. "Cosmo! Wanda! Where are you?" Maryann shouted. She sounded mad. It didn't look like it would be good for either of them.

Wanda looked at Cosmo. "Maybe, it's for the best." They poofed their things into suit cases and came out of the fishbowl. "Maryann, there's something we need to tell you."

"Why do you have that stuff? Where are you going?" Maryann asked pointing to their suitcases.

"We quit," they said.

Maryann's eyes got wide. "WHAT?" she shouted.

"I'm sorry sweetie, but we can't stay here like this with you. You've been rude and ungrateful and we can't take it anymore," Wanda said.

"Maybe we'll see you again one day," Cosmo said.

Maryann was seething. "No! You can't just leave like that! I-I wish you would stay!" she exclaimed stomping her foot.

Suddenly there was a huge rumble like thunder and Jorgen von Strangle appeared. "Maryann, your god parents have quit…"

Cosmo raised his hand. "That's us!"

"You will lose your god parents and all of your memories of them forever!"

"NO!" Maryann shouted. "Cosmo! You heard me! I wish you would stay!" She pointed to Jorgen. "And I wish he was gone!"

"We're not your fairies anymore Maryann…"

"But I wished it and what I say goes!" she demanded. Her face was red with anger and there were tears in her eyes.

Jorgen pulled out the forgeticin. "Say cheese."

Angry tears streamed down Maryann's face. "Cosmo, Wanda, get back here right now!" she exclaimed. "It's not fair!" Suddenly there was a flash as Jorgen wiped her memory and Maryann suddenly forgot everything about Cosmo and Wanda. She fell back disoriented from it.

Wanda kissed Maryann's forehead. "Good bye Maryann." Her and Cosmo were poofed away back to Fairy World.

"Well, that nightmare is over," Cosmo said as they appeared on the busy streets of Fairy World.

"I still feel bad about abandoning her," Wanda said.

Suddenly a member of the fairy council appeared in front of them. "Cosmo, Wanda, you are hereby summoned to fairy court for the murder of a human."

"I told you," Wanda said. They were poofed away and appeared in the huge fairy court with the members of the fairy council and Jorgen.

"Cosmo, Wanda, it was reported that on Wednesday, June 27, 1914 you murdered a Mr. Archduke Francis Ferdinand," one of the oldest council members read. "If found guilty, you will be sentenced to fairy prison for your actions."

"It wasn't our fault!" Wanda exclaimed.

"Maryann wished for it. We didn't have any choice!" Cosmo said.

"Mr. Von Strangle, surely there is a rule about fairies killing humans even if wished for by a god child, correct?"

Jorgen opened an oversized version of Da Rules and Cosmo and Wanda waited anxiously hoping for a miracle. He scanned the book but couldn't find anything. "Actually, we don't have a rule for that."

"WHAT?"

Jorgen scanned Da Rules over and over again but couldn't find anything. "Yup, it doesn't say anything about killing a living human by a wish."

The council member pounded his gaffle in frustration. "Man, I wanted to arrest someone today!"

"Make it a rule then Jorgen," another council member said. "Fairies cannot kill or injure a living human by a wish." Jorgen added the rule with his huge wand.

"So, um, what about us?" Cosmo asked.

"As for you, we'll let you off once…"

"But I wanted to arrest someone today!"

"Shut up Seymour. You'll be let off this once. But don't let it happen again!"

Cosmo and Wanda saluted then. "Yes sir."

"Good day then."

Timmy continued laughing. "You almost got sent to jail?" He unlocked the front door and they went into the empty house.

Cosmo and Wanda changed back into their normal forms since there was no one home. Cosmo nodded thoughtfully. "I remember that like it was yesterday. Definitely the worst god child we ever had."