Author's Note: Wow. We've gotten quite far in our story, haven't we, my precious readers? Sigh, listen to me. I'm referring to you like Gollum refers to the ring. It's not going to be long before I just go crawl into a cave and eat raw fish. Ew. Okay, going on to reviews. I would first like to make a big apology to M. E. Gryphon, who corrected me on a rather embarrassing issue of culture. I give you my most sincere apologies, I had no idea. You see, as I've told everyone deliberately, I really don't think when it comes to writing this monster, in fact I rarely think at all. I have made corrections to the text to make it not so insulting. I hope you'll excuse my rudeness and accept my apology. To Arsinoe Selene: Wow. I didn't know the throwing stars had a name. I'll make a note of that. Also, sorry on the Elvish thing. I'll try to be better at that. To Redberry Greenleaf: you reviewed my story! Awesome! I'm happy you like it. To shadowglove: You are very welcome. I like your story a lot and I'm happy you like mine:) To Captain Arianna Trouble: (in a low, dangerous voice) Which character? WHICH CHARACTER? Tell me or the author gets it! (holds a spork towards Eoin Colfer's nose. He gives an 'are you kidding me, or are you just stupid?' look.) To VagrantCandy: Ah, a shrubbery! It's not too tall, and not too expensive. And if you want to read the next chapter, you must give me… ANOTHER SHRUBBERY! And another thing- don't be afraid to show your blonde. People will hurl all sorts of dumb blonde jokes at you, but if you like you can look in part two of chapter five and quote Edgar Allen Poe, and then you'll feel very smart indeed! To whereartthou: Don't hurt yourself honey. But thank you, I'm flattered.:) To Yazuka Princess: AUUUGH! I'll never get it right! I'm sorry… I'm a terrible failure at serious things like understanding Irish law… To Cheorl: Jack has his luck with Annamaria, Elizabeth, the spawn of Will, and all those OCs created by devoted fangirls such as I. It's perfectly alright if Violet drops a hammer on his head once and a while. Hey! He's a hammerhead! Get it? Get it? To Frisky Muffin: Have you tried the rainbow colored kind? Those are fun…. And speaking of which, to those of you who like Willy Wonka, I haven't noticed any fics on that subject. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places, but I should greatly like to read one. Hmmm…
Chapter Seven
"It's ready," Jack said, admiring the work he and his five compadres had done in the past few days. The boat was splendid work for such the small time it had been built. Jack made sure all the proper finishing touches had been made- like if the bottom of the boat, covered with a layer of metal, was smooth so the boat could move faster. It had a narrow bow, with a nice little stern and a mast with a moderately sized sail. Dr. Gantus had left out a couple of blankets and clothing for warmth, because Jack said it could get pretty chilly out there. There was a lower compartment where they had put all their food and Dr. Gantus' things. The six hauled the ship out to the shore, Dr. Gantus making a final check to see if he had left anything behind. Jack, Artemis, Violet, Legolas, Van Helsing, and Dr. Gantus took a final look at the island which in such a brief time held so many memories: when Legolas first met the humans, when Jack and Legolas had their first hangover, when Artemis tried to kill Legolas, when Artemis tried to kill Jack, when Van Helsing tried to kill Artemis, when vampires tried to kill Jack, when Jack tried to kill Dobby, when Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter fought over Violet, when Artemis socked Draco in the nose, when all of them cried like little girls at one point or another, when Van Helsing and Artemis had a secret duet, when Artemis and Legolas dressed up like women, when Artemis tried to save Violet only to find that she had saved herself with the help of Edgar Allen Poe, and a whole bunch of other memories that I am too lazy to put in because this is getting to be a rather large run-on sentence, my dears. Anyway, they smiled fondly remembering the trials and friendships they had made. Finally, Van Helsing broke the silence.
"Maybe we should come back someday- you know, just for old time's sake."
Jack smiled a wily, pirate grin. "Yeah. For old time's sake."
Then, without further ado, they climbed into the boat, and shoved off with a nicely-made oar. Then, they left the island, and made their way out to sea. But don't think by leaving the island this is where the story ends, my lively little readers. Oh no, they still had a bit of the journey to go. All of them knew they were going out into the unknown- unsure of what was to come. All they were sure of was that they were now on a new adventure- the adventure home.
Jack smiled, turning the wheel with ease and letting the wind play with his dreadlocks. This was his territory- the ocean- and he knew how to work with her. Artemis had constructed a compass from a dish of water, a piece of cork, and a sewing needle that had been rubbed on with a magnet that was on a picture frame that Dr. Gantus owned.
"It's an ingenious little frame," Gantus smiled, "you can prop it up on your desk with the folding stand, or you can stick it on your refrigerator with this little magnet here!"
The picture itself was of whom Dr. Gantus called his girlfriend, but Van Helsing had a strong suspicion it was probably his sister or his mother or his cousin or something. But that's really not important. Anyway, Jack glanced over at the compass lying on the table on the dock, making sure he was still northwest. Van Helsing was reading a book that Dr. Gantus had brought along. It was called, "Brownies: a delightful chocolate pastry, a troublesome pixie, or an innocent cookie-selling scout?" Dr. Gantus was down below, experimenting with some ground-up herbs and leaves for seasickness. Violet was by the sbowsprit looking out to the sea, thinking of inventing ideas, her hair tied up in a shred of cloth she used for a ribbon. Artemis was having seasickness problems over the pinrail of the boat or whatever the edge of the ship is in which you puke over. They had built a little lookout point on the very top of the mainmast, and Legolas had been singing very bad sea songs that he only knew half the chorus to. The rest he just sang "da da da da la la la something something." Finally, Van Helsing silently unloaded his gun, reloaded it with apiece of cork, took aim, and fired it at the happy elf. Legolas had been slumped unconscious over the side of the lookout point for about twenty minutes now. Jack felt that Legolas looked a bit like someone he knew very well, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Violet presently went below to check on Dr. Gantus. She came up with a green substance in a bowl, and handed it to the sick Artemis, who from the vomiting had returned to his pale state. He had a tinge of green in his skin, so he looked more of a puce color.
"This is why I don't generally like to sail," Artemis said in a low voice, tasting the gunk. He gagged. "What the bloody heck is this stuff?"
"It's something Dr. Gantus made. He said it would take away the nausea, but it will probably add to the greenness."
"Hey!" Van Helsing brightened. "You already have raven hair and back clothes. If we give you a pointed hat and broom you can really be Elphaba, runt!" he laughed that deep, manly laugh that Artemis loathed. Artemis quietly murmured a threat in another language.
"Who's Elphaba?' Violet was puzzled.
Van Helsing stopped laughing, embarrassed. "I didn't say anything…"
Artemis grimaced, finishing the concoction. "I can't wait to get back to civilized land where they have Advil and Tylenol and Motrin." He smiled. His cheeks were starting to turn a lovely shade of emerald.
"You think this is bad?' Jack called from the helm, "Try living like this. Almost every day of your life. And there's none of those fancy pain-reliever drugs around for miles. Then complain to me."
"Yeah, don't be such a baby, Elphie." Van Helsing was having fun with this.
"Why are you calling him-" Jack turned around, and stared at Artemis. He started to laugh hysterically. "For the love of rum, boy! You look like a cucumber!" he clutched his sides.
Dr. Gantus emerged from below, spotting Artemis. The green had spread across his whole face. "Oh, don't worry, boy. You'll return to your normal shade when you get used to the motion. In the mean time… uh… well…" Dr. Gantus drifted off, biting his tongue to keep from laughing himself. Jack was rolling on the ground. Artemis went below to go bang his head against a wall.
Violet went back to the bowsprit. She remembered the time in the cave back on the island when the men had wanted to leave Violet behind on their hunting expedition because they thought it was too dangerous for a girl, and she had told herself there were going to be many more occasions like that. This was an occasion. "Men," she said quietly, rolling her eyes.
Artemis had been banging his head on a wall for some time now. He had meant for it to cause pain and in all make him lose his memory. It was only painful for now. But suddenly, it didn't hurt anymore. Artemis stopped banging and whirled around. He was not looking at the cabin anymore, but at a shiny green city. A nice piano score was playing in the background. Various people popped out of buildings singing random things about a wizard. He looked down. Ugh. This annoying greenness had not changed, but wait… what? He was no longer wearing his old slacks and shirt, but they had morphed into a dress. A wide-brimmed black hat was on his head as well.
"I'm wearing a dress?" he asked. But he found he could not sing. Instead, his words came out in song. "Why-"
"Oh, Elphaba. Even though you're an unpopular nerd, you can be pretty silly sometimes." Said a deep voice from behind. He whirled around. Standing before him with a sparkly wand in a sparkly pink dress, was Van Helsing.
"Van… Van Helsing? You're in a dress too! Where are we? Why is everything so shiny?"
Van Helsing played with the crown on top of his head, and laughed girlishly. It was even more annoying than the deep one. "Oh, Elphie. How many times do I have to tell you that you are a girl and girls wear dresses? No matter. I'm going to twist you into a clone of me and even though you're green, you'll be…" the music changed.
"POPULAR," he sang,
"YOU'RE GONNA BE POPULAR
I'LL TEACH YOU THE PROPER PLOYS
WHEN YOU TALK TO BOYS
LITTLE WAYS TO FLIRT AND FLOUNCE
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT SHOES TO WEAR
HOW TO FIX YOUR HAIR
EVERYTHING THAT REALLY COUNTS
TO BE-"
"OMG! Galinda! We love you, Galinda!" a passerby yelled. Van Helsing waved with a cheesy smile. He turned back. "What was I talking about?"
"H-Hi, Miss Galinda," a low voice said. Artemis turned to find a very short Jack blushing in Van Helsing's shadow.
"Oh. Hi Boq." Van Helsing sighed.
"Can I… uh… do anything for you? Get you a glass of water? Be your devoted slave? Anything?" he asked, tugging on his pink skirt. Then, Violet walked up.
"'Sup," she said, shoving her hands in her pockets in a John Travolta way.
Van Helsing swooned. "Fiyero's so scandalicious…"
"Violet is a she," Artemis corrected.
Van Helsing glared at Artemis. "Can you go fly a kite… or, your broomstick, or something?" he said. Artemis looked to his right hand. He was holding a broomstick. He looked to Violet, who had started to sing:
"Dancing through life
Swaying and sweeping
And always keeping cool
Life is faught less
When you're thoughtless
Those who don't try
Never look foolish
Dancing through life
Mindless and careless
Make sure you're where less
Trouble is rife
Woes are fleeting
Blows are glancing
When you're dancing
Through liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife..."
Artemis stared in horror at Violet, who began to dance to disco-theme background. Van Helsing began to dance along. A disco ball came down, nearly whacking a chick in a wheelchair in the head. "Ow," she said.
Artemis looked closer. "…Legolas?"
Legolas ignored him, wheeling up to Jack, who was pestering Van Helsing for a dance. Van Helsing pushed him into Legolas, who squealed and hung on to Jack's waist like some desperate… well, chick in a wheelchair. Jack grunted, trying to brush him off, but finally giving in and dancing with him.
"Jack? Legolas? I don't know what's going on…" he tried to say to the couple. They ignored him. Artemis tried again. "Jack? Legolas?"
"I'm Nessarose, you're sister, dummy," Legolas replied, twirling in his wheelchair, which was harder than it looked. He gave up presently.
"Fine. Pretend to be a woman. But Jack, I- Jack listen to me!" Artemis whacked Jack in the head with his broom, sending him wheeling. In a flash of green smoke, he fell to the floor, a tin can. Yes, readers, that was not a typo. He was a can. Legolas picked him up, and started weeping uncontrollably.
"Now look what you've done to my boyfriend! You never want me to be happy! I'm gonna tell Daddy, so there!" he began to wheel away, when a house fell on him. A kid in pigtails stepped out, looking around. She grabbed the shiny red shoes that were on Legolas' feet sticking out, and ran, followed by her rabid puppy. Van Helsing was still dancing with Violet.
"Now, look here, Van Helsing. If you want to dress like a girl, that's fine. And Violet, if you want to go around denying your feminine beauty and matching intelligence, go right ahead. But me, I'm going to find a way out of here." He paused, feeling the strange need to sing. The music changed again.
"So if you care to find me
Look to the Western sky!
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who ground me
Take a message back from me!
Tell them how I am defying gravity
I'm flying high, defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring- gasp-meeee dooooooooooooown!"
His broom began to rise. Artemis had no idea what he was singing, but he was doing a bloody good job at it. Violet looked up, interested. Van Helsing was singing something about how he hoped Artemis was happy, but it was soon blocked out by a crowd singing about how Artemis was wicked and they have to bring him down. So, the chick in pigtails from the house came out with a bazooka and fired it at Artemis, knocking him off his broom. Artemis yelped in surprise, but it only came out as more awesome notes.
"Ah-ah-ah-AH-AHHHHHH!" he sang/screamed. He fell with a thud. Van Helsing picked at his nails. Violet stooped to help Artemis.
"MAYBE I'M BRAINLESS," she sang,
"MAYBE I'M WISE
BUT YOU'VE GOT ME SEEING
THROUGH DIFFERENT EYES
SOMEHOW I'VE FALLEN
UNDER YOUR SPELL
AND SOMEHOW I'M FEELING
IT'S 'UP' THAT I FELL ..."
Artemis smiled. The music changed yet again, and they began to sing in harmony,
"JUST FOR THIS MOMENT
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE
COME BE HOW YOU WANT TO
AND SEE HOW BRIGHT WE SHINE-" they clasped hands, and began twirling around. Van Helsing did not look up.
"BORROW THE MOONLIGHT
UNTIL IT IS THROUGH
AND KNOW I'LL BE HERE HOLDING YOU
AS LONG AS YOU'RE MINE..."
Artemis paused, looking up. Violet looked into his eyes. "What is it?"
"I think we're being watched," he said. And, sure enough, high above a sparkly green tower, there was a big, metal face glaring at them. He shouted something.
"What?" Artemis called. The face shouted it again. "Speak up!" Violet said. Finally, a little man in green with frizzy grey hair parachuted down. When he got close enough, Artemis could see it was Dr. Gantus.
"Ah, that's better. Firstly, I am the Great, Terrible, Powerful, and a lot of other things Wizard of Oz." he smiled, striking a pose.
"Dude. You're really, uh… old." Violet said, not unlocking hands with Artemis. Van Helsing began to grovel at the old man's feet.
Artemis rolled his eyes. "What do you want? We're trying to have a duet here."
Van Helsing stopped kissing the wizard's feet for a moment, and looked up tearfully. "OMG! Are you cheating on me with my best friend!" he drifted off, singing something about not being that girl, until he was dog-piled by a crowd of fans shouting "Galinda".
"Anyway," the wizard said, it's not a question of 'what,' it's 'how':"
"I never asked for this
Or planned it in advance
I was merely blown here
By the winds of chance
I never saw myself
As a Solomon or Socrates
I knew who I was:
One of your dime a dozen
Mediocrities
Then suddenly I'm here
Respected - worshipped, even
Just because the folks in Oz
Needed someone to believe in
Does it surprise you
I got hooked, and all too soon?
What can I say?
I got carried away
And not just by balloon:" Suddenly, he grabbed a cane and top hat and began to dance to a cheesy, jazzy tune:
"Wonderful
They called me 'Wonderful'
So I said 'Wonderful' - if you insist
I will be Wonderful—'
And they said-"
"Thank you, that's enough," Artemis said. This singing was getting annoying. Dr. Gantus stopped, and put on a look of enragement.
"Fine. If you don't like my singing, then… then… I'll call a wild mob on you!"
And with that, a mob with flaming torches and pitchforks appeared chasing Artemis and Violet around, singing about a witch hunt. In the front a woman was holding the tin can formerly known as Jack- or Boq- or Jaq- whom was leading the rioting song. Unfortunately, the woman dropped the can, and he was dented and crushed by the mob's feet.
"Come on, Violet, we can fly away on my broom!" Artemis ran and grabbed his broom lying on the ground. He started to lift up, and swooped down to get Violet, unfortunately his missed and the back of his broom whacked her in the face. In a puff of green smoke, she turned into a scarecrow. "Whoops," Artemis stared at the mob chasing him, passing by the limp stuffed Violet. "I'll have to be careful about that." Suddenly, he crashed into the little chick with pigtails and shiny red shoes.
"Hey," she said in a thick country accent, "You're gonna be sorry fer that!" and with that, she grabbed a bucket of water and hurled it at him. He began to sizzle.
"Oh, crap," Artemis cursed, "I'm melting. MELTING!"
And with that, Artemis plunged into darkness.
Author's Note: Cliffie! By the way- all of the lyrics and referrals to Wicked and Wizard of Oz belong to Stephen Shwatrz, L. Frank Baum, and a whole bunch of other people too. The only thing in this story that belongs to me is Dr. Gantus. Yay!