Chapter 10 (Bella's POV)
The song for this chapter is: Bedshaped – Keane.
To an outsider, it would appear that this time was much better than the last.
I got up bright and early every day, even if it was to an empty bed. School was over now, so I kept myself busy during the day by doing chores, and taking up more shifts at Newton's Outfitters. Mrs Newton seemed very pleased with my progress; she had told me frequently that I was so focused now, I could get so much more done in a short time.
However, there was still no-one who knew the truth. Even now people knew about my "secret", I was still hiding things. But this time, it seemed like it was something so much more important that I was keeping to myself.
I didn't tell anyone how one day while I was at work, I had asked Alice to collect up everything in my house that reminded me of Edward. I couldn't think about him any more. Not because I didn't want to, but because if I did, I was worried I would lose the will to live.
All those months before, when I was a "zombie", I thought about Edward a lot of the time. Sure, it still hurt, but not as much. I think it was because that time, I knew he had done what he thought was right for me, to protect me. It didn't mean he was actually doing the right thing. I mean, of course he wasn't! It left both of us miserable, and me still in critical danger.
Now, I literally couldn't think about him. I knew that if I did, I would only try and defend him. I would spend hours – days – thinking of excuses for why he had left, and at a "time like this" (as Alice had put it), other than purely due to his own needs.
When I would find that there was no valid excuse, I would try to understand. Why had things suddenly changed? He has always (and I mean always) put my happiness first until a few days ago. What changed his mind?
Maybe… Maybe my happiness just wasn't important enough to him anymore. Perhaps he no longer got a thrill out of seeing me happy. That would be fair enough, considering that made no sense in the first place. He had probably found someone else who made him happier than I did. I bet he was with her right now, gently running his hand down the side of her face. Pulling her closer to him with his arm wrapped around her waist. Leaning in towards her, not being able to get enough of her scent, her taste…
I would call what I was having a "daydream", but it seemed more of a "day-nightmare". Whatever it was, it was getting way out of control. Not only that, but I was about to combust into flames any minute. I only realised just then that I had stopped what I was supposed to be doing (which was pricing various hiking merchandise) because I had been so involved in what I was thinking about. This was the entire purpose of keeping myself busy; so I wouldn't get caught up in little fantasies that were either too wild to ever happen (for example, Edward just magically appearing on my doorstep, whisking me away to some far-off country and claiming me – all of me – for his own), or just too horrible to imagine (the worst of which detailed him forgetting about me, eventually resulting in me growing old, very slowly, alone).
I found out quite quickly that things like cleaning out my belongings or keeping myself busy weren't going to keep Edward out of my head. I may have realised it, but that didn't mean I was going to acknowledge it. And so, I carried on with my routine.
I had hardly seen the rest of the Cullens at all over the past few days. Alice had quite tactfully kept her distance; I think she blamed herself a little bit. I didn't blame her at all, but she did have a habit of putting her foot in it where Edward was concerned. She would accidentally mention him or something that would trigger a memory I had of him. After this had happened a few times, she removed herself from my company. Only temporarily, of course, until I calmed down a little.
I hadn't seen Emmett or Carlisle at all. I assumed they were trying to find Edward. It was fair enough, I mean, even if he didn't want to come back, his family were still worried about him. So was I, actually, even if I was just about ready to beat the shit out of him. It was a shame he was around sixty million times stronger than I was.
I absently wondered what Alice was up to right now. I was getting bored of being on my own, and I was starting to think far too much. I'd hardly seen her at all for ages, but that was mainly because she had been--
I was suddenly hit by another thought. Before, the reason I hadn't seen her was because she was so busy planning the wedding. My wedding. Was that still happening? Maybe it had been postponed, or even cancelled. I definitely wasn't ecstatic about getting married, but now I'd had time to get used to it, the thought of never being "legally" attached to Edward made me very unhappy. I was just about ready to skip the rest of my shift, jump in my truck and go to the Cullen house and ask Alice how she was planning to tell everyone who was invited, especially considering no-one even knew Edward had left yet, when I noticed an all-too-familiar silver Volvo pull up next to my beaten up truck. My heart stopped beating in my chest, and my breath caught in my throat. It couldn't be… Could it?
I leaned to the side, trying to get a better look. Sure enough, an unnaturally pale figure sat in the front seat of the car, looking right at me. I looked away, worried about what I would do if I gazed any longer.
He probably expected me to go out there, I realised. Well, he could wait. I'd waited the past six days without even knowing if he was alive. He could wait sixteen pissing minutes until my shift finished.
I turned back to my shelf, pricer in hand, willing myself not to look back out of that window. I almost fainted with the effort. I counted the seconds in my head, resisting the urge to mouth the numbers. I wondered if Mrs Newton would let me go over my time limit for the day. I'd pretty much be prepared to do anything if it suspended me having to go and face him.
I didn't trust myself. Not even one bit. Who knew what words would jump out of my mouth when he was within hearing distance?
I practised taking deep breaths to calm myself. In. Hold. Out.
My eyes flickered back to the window to find he was doing exactly the same.
A/N: Thanks to Shining Eclipse, twilightaddict13 (x2), kate remark, Iris Messenger, flossiemae, XhowtosavealifeX, Bella-Marie-Black, xxtwins, iluvgaara52, kishe for reviews.
Thanks to flossiemae, XhowtosavealifeX, Dinky Diddydums, Vampirelove101, schoolgirl29, iluvgaara52, ImXnotOthatXgirl for story alert / favourite story.
Thanks to I'm Hallucidating, flossiemae, iluvgaara52, ILoveMyMenCold.Dead.Sparkling for author alert / favourite author.