Lexa heads to New York after she argues with Clarke, leaving a distraught girl behind.
Quite a few people requested this scene, so I hope it's what you wanted. Thanks as always to jaelle90 And thanks for all the comments and support with this.
I wasn't going to do more than this on Lexa in New York. I was going to leave the argument just from Lexa's perspective. I hope that's ok.
Chapter Ten
'What the hell got up Lexa's ass? That family thing is total BS,' Raven frowned as Lexa headed abruptly out of Clarke's apartment moments after reappearing from Clarke's bedroom. Clarke wanted to share immediately what had happened - the argument over what she'd shared with her friends, the "sex? We didn't have sex" text, and most especially the awful sick feeling heavy in her stomach, but hadn't Lexa just been indicating that telling her friends every little thing was hurtful? And Lincoln might be her friend, but he was mostly Lexa's, and Clarke didn't think he'd love her openly discussing Lexa's anger and hurt in front of everyone, so she sucked in a shaky breath.
'Nothing…it's like she said,' she managed to stutter, and both Raven and Octavia's heads snapped to hers. They'd probably heard their raised voices in the bedroom and knew that was a lie.
'I feel like ice cream,' Octavia announced and Clarke frowned slightly because the segue from Lexa's obvious anger to ice cream was abrupt.
'There's Ben and Jerry's in the freezer,' she responded absently, brain on her best friend, as she fought the overwhelming urge to cry with everything she had.
'Yeah but you only ever have Chocolate Fudge Brownie and I really, really want Chunky Monkey,' she shrugged and turned big eyes on Lincoln.
'You want me to go get some ice cream?' He asked, palming his phone and glancing at the screen - clearly edgy.
'Please. Maybe you and Bell can go? I know that Raven was saying she's desperate for Cheesy Pleasers.'
'Love those things, can never eat enough of them!' Raven concurred at once.
'Sure,' Bellamy frowned. Clarke couldn't even find the presence of mind to worry about the fact that Octavia and Raven were really obviously getting rid of Lincoln and Bellamy, she just wanted the men gone so she could break down. She stared intently at her hands as scuffling and words were exchanged between the other four, before the door slammed confirming they were gone. Clarke sensed Octavia sit beside her and Raven in front of her.
'What happened?' Raven asked. 'Do I need to kick her ass?'
'If you need to kick anyone's ass you need to kick mine,' Clarke heaved in a breath, her ribs feeling like they were splitting from the stress and panic swirling inside of her. She kept fighting tears even though her friends wouldn't care if she cried.
'What happened?' Octavia frowned, taking her hand, thumb brushing over her knuckles.
'I…I…' she hesitated because she wanted to tell them, she wanted help with the situation, but she really didn't want to defy Lexa's trust, or hurt her worse than she already had.
'What?'
'I fucked up,' she admitted, ignoring the one tear that tracked down her cheek until she could taste it's saltiness at the corner of her mouth.
'How?'
'Telling you about everything with Lexa...'
'She can't expect you to just discuss your confusion about your sexuality with her alone. That's entirely unfair,' Raven raged.
'But how confused am I? I mean really?' Clarke's voice cracked. 'I might not be ready but I know how I feel.'
'Well only you can answer how confused you are,' Octavia said softly. 'And being ready is important.'
'I…I just totally ruined things though,' another fat tear trickled down her face.
'How? Because you talked to us? That's crazy. I'm sorry if we were too upfront but she knows us!' Raven rolled her eyes.
'I said we didn't have sex,' she admitted, voice cracking as she covered her face with her hands for a moment. Both Raven and Octavia frowned,
'You didn't, though? Right?'
'She's a lesbian. Of course we had sex! I just…I didn't realize. I was putting that fucking typical heterosexual spin on it, where…where…'
'Digits up your hoo ha…' Raven offered sheepishly,
'Yeah…where that isn't considered sex. And of course it is. I went from a drunken kiss in a bar, as an "experiment," to convincing her to help me explore things, to initiating and having sex,' she rubbed her face, swiping away the tears.
'At least it was good sex,' Raven said blithely, and Clarke huffed, as Octavia sent the mechanic a vicious glare.
'Clarke, she'll forgive you,' Octavia reassured, even as Clarke reached for her phone and began to text.
Clarke - Lexa. I am really, really sorry. I understand why you're so upset. I really, really do. I know you probably think I'm just saying that but I'm not. I get that we had sex now. I know it was only one part of sex, but I do get it. It felt like sex to me, but I've never called fingering sex. I've never been made to cum by it either. I'm still learning and maybe I should have known, but I didn't. I didn't mean to belittle it by not recognizing it for what it was.
Clarke - Sorry long text. I'm also sorry I made what we did sound like it didn't mean something. The thing is, O and Raven have known that this is more than a friendship for longer than I have. They knew I was crushing on you. They encouraged me to talk to you. Still…I made it sound like it was just a sexual exploration. I actually - stupidly - thought you'd prefer that. I'm a total idiot a lot of the time.
'Clarke, Lexa is batshit crazy about you. This will be ok,' Raven gave her hand a squeeze, demeanour softening.
'Don't you get it? I really hurt her and I embarrassed her. She said you guys know how she feels about me and I belittled what was between us to you...' she trailed off, unwilling to admit the rest.
'Surely she knows you're equally batshit crazy for her?' Raven scowled.
'While Raven's eloquent term does describe you both quite aptly, I think Clarke means that Lexa thinks this is the exploration of a more superficial crush.'
'I've told her I'm into her,' she stared at her phone willing it to ring and the sick nervy turn of her stomach to calm. 'But…then I termed it like I did to you two and…you know…'
'Not really?' Octavia shook her head.
'She thinks that if you think I'm just experimenting and if you both think she's in love with me, that you'll think she took advantage,' she finally admitted.
'Of horn dog Griffin?' Raven scoffed and once again Octavia fixed her with a steely glare,
'For fucks sake Rae,' she rolled her eyes.
'Come on,' Raven softened despite her protest, 'the last thing Lexa would ever do is take advantage. That would never have occurred to us.'
'That's true,' Octavia said, but Clarke shook her head, her stomach tense, her heart beating hard and her head struggling to hold onto any thoughts.
'She's scared and I made everything worse by playing into those fears. She thought…that when I said exploring stuff…that you wouldn't know it was more for me…she thinks that maybe…I'm just experimenting…using her…'
'Well that's not fair Clarke. She can't judge you for exploring who you are…'
'She isn't,' Clarke protested. 'She's just convinced I'll end up saying I'm straight and she'll be the collateral damage.'
'You told her you're into her. You told her it's more,' Octavia protested.
'Then I told her I tell you guys everything and said to you guys that she was helping me explore my sexuality, totally minimizing how much she means to me. Then I said we didn't have sex. Fuck.'
'And she's not replying?' Octavia asked.
'She hasn't even read the messages.'
'She has read receipts on?' Raven scoffed.
'Focus!' Octavia hissed. 'Text her again Clarke.'
Clarke - But I mean well. Because you're my best friend. My best friend that I love and adore.
'I need to go to her place.'
'Ok,' Octavia nodded, as the boys could be heard in the hall.
'Don't say anything to them, please. Especially not Lincoln.'
'Clarke, it's going to be ok. You know that that, right?' Raven rubbed her shoulder.
'No,' Clarke shook her head. She actually felt pain at the thought of Lexa hurting because of her.
'She's your best friend,' Octavia reassured.
'And a whole lot more, because O and I are your best friends too, but she's in a whole different league. She won't be ok without you so things will have to be ok.'
'I'm just so in the wrong,' she stood abruptly as the door opened and headed to her room.
XOXOXOXOXXOOX
Clarke - Some girl tweeted a photo of her and Lexa in the park.
Raven - So? You know fans are crazy for her.
Octavia - Raven is right. It doesn't mean anything.
Clarke - The girl wrote that Lexa was singing to her! Lexa only sings for me.
Octavia - And audiences of several thousands!
Clarke - I mean in private.
Raven - Dude, she was in Central Park. She didn't give the girl a private show!
Clarke - But what if she did?
Octavia - I just looked it up, and the photo is in Central Park and you can clearly see other people.
Raven - She meant sex, O! :$
Octavia - Oh! I'm not so quick apparently
Clarke - She's not text since we said we were going to leave things and now this! Fuck. I don't want to leave things. Why did I say that? God, I'm so confused.
Octavia - I still can't believe she agreed to that! And it was only yesterday night so chill.
Raven - I agree. She's lusty as all hell for you, and those eyes scream it
Octavia - It's obviously more than just lust - that's the problem she's dealing with
Clarke - She doesn't want things to get messed up. I understand that. I don't either
Octavia - Understandable.
Raven - Lame - grow a back bone commander!
Clarke - Don't be like that about her. She isn't lame! Not at all. She's just doesn't want to risk our friendship
Raven - So she's giving up on something more with the girl she's in love with?
Clarke - She's not in love with me. She said she wasn't
Raven - And you believed her?
Clarke - Uhhh...
Octavia - It's not fair to put emotions where Lexa hasn't or isn't ready to. If she isn't ready to say she loves Clarke, it's because she's protecting herself. And Clarke. Because working things out isn't always simple. Right Clarke?
Clarke - Right.
Clarke - But I still want something with her, I do. I can't just leave it. Well I could but I don't what to. What do I do?
Raven - But you aren't sure you're bi, right? Or what? I don't get it. I'm not trying to be a pain…I just don't get it?
Clarke - I don't know whether I could be with a girl in every way or even in a relationship…I'm just not sure yet - it's all new to me
Raven - But you were with a girl?
Raven - And you liked it!
Clarke - Is it Lexa or girls in general though?
Octavia - Does it even matter?
Clarke - I don't know.
Clarke - I just need time to work things through. In my head and physically - I'm realizing I dont know myself at all and you know, fighting against our preconceived notions of ourselves is hard. Really hard. But just because I can't say the words with any certainty, doesn't mean that's not who I am. I feel like I am bi, but I just need more time.
Raven - And that I totally understand.
Octavia - And so does Lexa, right?
Clarke - She's just scared about what would happen to us if I decide I'm not bi. If I work out my sexuality with her and then don't want her. And she's right. What would that do to us and our friendship? What would that do to her? She said she's never had a friend like me.
Raven - One she's wildly in love with, you mean?
Clarke - Someone who loves and adores her for being her.
Octavia - I get it. I understand completely.
Raven - What about Lincoln? I mean they're super close
Octavia - Lincoln and Lexa are more like siblings.
Raven - Oh. Yeah, I get that - they're definitely alike - both kinda broody and silent .
Clarke - Not in private.
Octavia - Not in private.
Raven - Never had to people jinx in a text before. Kudos my friends, kudos.
Clarke - What if she fucks that girl? Do you think she did?
Raven - Central Park fangirl? Nah.
Octavia - Even if she did - you aren't together Clarke. You said you're staying as just friends
Clarke - Yeah, I know. Thanks:(
Octavia - I just mean, it shouldn't matter. You guys made the decision not to pursue this so she is free to be with other girls
Raven - But Clarke obviously wants to pursue things with her...
Octavia - I hate saying this, because you know I love you Clarke, but Lexa obviously does not
Raven - Because she's scared! You know she's so into her
Clarke - Fuck! Omg fuck
Octavia - What?
Raven - What?
Raven - Jinx.
Clarke - There's another picture, from a different girl. From last night and fuck!
Octavia - Oh?
Raven - Hmmm, ok, yeah that girl is definitely looking to fuck her
Clarke - Lexa's hand is on her stomach. And they're in a bar. Oh god. Fuck
Raven - Coming over.
Octavia - Me too.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
'Every Time I think of that girls hands on Lexa I want to kill her, and then kill Lexa,' Clarke's thoughts and emotions were a jumble of anger, jealousy and disappointment. And sadness. Plenty of sad.
'Kill Lexa?' Raven's smirk was audible. Clarke glared at her friend, through the burning feeling in her stomach.
'I'm sure nothing happened,' Octavia reassured, but Clarke turned venom filled eyes on her,
'Nothing? Lexa's hand is on her stomach in the photo and God, the comment is so infuriating…'
'"Meeting your musical icon in your local gay bar - fuck yeah!"' Raven read. As if the words weren't burned on her brain. As if the fuck yeah hadn't filled her head with all kinds of awful thoughts, of deep panted breaths, skin sliding against skin and Lexa's beautiful fingers buried deep in some other girl. Clarke felt nauseous.
'You ok?' Octavia's warm hand was on her arm and she shook it off because the heat was too much when coupled with her burning jealousy.
'I fucking hate that girl. Look at her? All long limbed and stupid beautiful smooth skin, and big eyes.'
'Clarke…' Octavia attempted.
'Fuck…is that her type? Is it? Small breasts? Dark hair? Beautiful face?' she had always scorned feelings of physical inadequacy - her looks were hers and that was that, there was little she could do to change them, but suddenly she wanted to morph into a dark, lithe beauty with enormous eyes.
'Clarke…'
'God. Why did I say we should leave it? How could she just move onto someone? Just hours after we end things?' she sniffed, her words wretched.
'End things?' Raven asked pointedly and Clarke whipped her head up to yell,
'Oh stop being so pedantic - you know what I mean. We ended the potential for more. I want the potential for more. I want Lexa.'
'Then tell her,' Octavia said, the small smile totally irritating Clarke.
'Big point in telling her when she's fucking Ms. Gorgeous fangirl,' she growled.
'You don't know that,' Octavia attempted and Clarke began pointing out the evidence.
'Of course she fucked her. The hand on her stomach! The girls sat on her fucking lap in a fucking gay bar, taking pictures to boast with on tumblr. And she's so hinting with that comment. Come on. And on Twitter people are asking her…it's so fucking obvious.'
'And tacky,' Raven's eyes were glued to her phone, clearly strolling through the girls Twitter, or tumblr, or something. 'She's so tacky to hint at sex with someone as private as Lexa.'
'You think Lexa slept with her, don't you?' she felt tears burn her eyes.
'Uh…I don't know if she did, but uh…'
'You know that Lexa didn't come onto her Clarke,' Octavia said carefully. 'If they did have sex…'
'How could she?' Tears leaked from her eyes, 'fuck. I hate that girl. Fuck. Fuck. Lexa should be mine. She's my best friend, and I don't want that girls hands on her. Fuck. Do you think she made Lexa come? Fuck,' she was a mess and she usually prided herself on not getting emotionally messy.
'Clarke, take a breath,' Raven gripped her arm.
'I don't want to take a breath,' she growled, 'I want to go to New York and punch that girl in the face. And Lexa too. How could she!'
'Clarke…'
'Seriously. God, I don't want to punch her. It's just that Lexa deserves more than causal sex. She deserves to be worshipped and adored for who she is, not because she's famous, or a musical genius or whatever.'
'Yeah but…'
'No,' she glared at Raven, incensed, literally every part of her body coiling and recoiling with jealousy. She wanted Lexa. She wanted Lexa to want her. She didn't want some other girls hands and mouth on her or in her, even though she wasn't sure what she felt about her hands and mouth on Lexa. The cruel irony of her constant urging of Lexa to get some, to get laid, to pull girls, wasn't lost on Clarke. Now that Lexa apparently had, Clarke realized how much she didn't want Lexa with anyone else. She wanted Lexa for herself. She wanted Lexa to be hers to touch, to be with. And she wanted Lexa to want her. She wanted this incredible friendship between them to grow and expand.
Clarke was jealous and overwhelmed and simultaneously angry and hurt, and filled with the bitter realization that she had absolutely no right to be.