The next chapter arrives.
Just so you know, not only am I rewatching these episodes, I'm also looking over the scripts (they're free online).
"I stopped three murders tonight!" Cartman bragged to his team. "What has everyone else done?"
"Melodyshock and I—" Kenny began, but Cartman cut him off.
"Mysterion, I told you, Melodyshock isn't a member of our team. She's a girl, and everyone knows you don't have a girl on your team unless you want romantic tension between them and another member."
"Fuck you. She's my partner and I'm not leaving her out of patrol."
"And why are we called 'Coon and Friends'?" Token added.
"Yeah, we all fight crime together; why are we just your friends?" Stan added.
"We wanna be called Extreme Action Avenger League!"
"Yeah!" the others agreed.
"God, because the Coon is a brand people recognize. We don't wanna start over, do we?"
"Mysterion, come in! Are you there, Mysterion?!" came a voice.
"What the fuck is that?!"
"It's Melodyshock. She went on patrol by herself so I could do this stupid meeting!" Kenny replied. He took his walkie-talkie off his belt. "Mysterion here."
"There's a big fire downtown, and my powers don't cover fire. I need you to get down here with the others. I'll keep you posted."
"Thanks, Melodyshock. We'll be down there as soon as we can."
"YOU HEAR THAT?! DOWNTOWN!" Cartman yelled. "GO, COON AND FRIENDS! FIND MELODYSHOCK!"
"I already know where she is, dumbass," Kenny sighed. "I know our patrol route by heart."
"Whatever, Mysterion. LET'S GO!"
Liane drove the boys downtown, where Kate was waiting by the burning building.
"You could've walked," she chided, her voice a higher-pitch than normal. Kenny lowered his voice; she pitched hers up.
"Let's do this!" Cartman cheered, completely ignoring his sister, as usual.
"The firemen won't let me get close," she reported. "We'll have a hell of a time getting in."
"How many trapped?" Kenny asked her.
"Twenty, from what I heard."
"We'll have to sneak around the back," Cartman declared. "That's how we'll get past the firemen and into the building." He patted Kate on the head. "Good job, sidekick."
"Sidekick? How about I sidekick your big, fat—"
"Sorry, Melodyshock. You're not needed anymore." Cartman moved towards the building, but was stopped by some firemen.
"Sorry, kids, we can't let you in," one said.
"You have to! We're all superheroes except Melodyshock!" Cartman failed to notice Kenny and Kyle restraining the female hero from attacking him.
"My God, it's him!" an officer yelled. A man dressed in a yellow and red flew over and landed on the ground. "It's Captain Hindsight!"
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked.
"The building's on fire, people are trapped, and we can't get inside!"
"I see." He looked up and down the building. "Hmm… you see those windows on the right side? They should've built fire escapes by those windows on the higher floors. And they should've re-enforced the roof so they could land a helicopter up there."
"Thank you, Captain Hindsight."
"You're welcome." He flew away.
The kids watched in shock as the firemen left without putting out the fire.
"Okay, what the fuck happened tonight?!"
Cartman stared at his team, which now included Kate, since Kenny insisted she be included. She was sitting on the floor next to Kenny, as usual.
"I'll tell you what happened," Kate snapped. "It's called Captain Hindsight is a massive dick who doesn't do shit to actually fix a situation or save people."
"Very good, Melodyshock. Keep it up and I might make you a Coon Friend."
"Listen, Coon, we don't need this right now," Kyle intervened. "Melodyshock, what did you find online about this Captain Hindsight guy?"
"Hey!" Cartman yelled. "Melodyshock is just our sidekick! She's a useless bitch—"
He was cut off as Kate put a pair of headphones on his head and turned the volume all the way up. He screamed in pain and ripped them off.
"NEVER USE THAT SHIT ON ME!" he sobbed. "NOT JUSTIN BEIBER, OKAY?!"
"Whatever, Coon. I got some info," Melodyshock informed the team. "According to the Internet reports, Hindsight is everywhere. He's a loner hero, and that can be damaging to a team."
"WE'LL MAKE HIM JOIN US!" Cartman agreed loudly. "SORRY, MY EARS ARE RINGING FROM THE BULLSHIT MUSIC THAT JUST EXPLODED IN MY EARS!"
"Um, fellas and lady," spoke up Butters from the holding cell. "Could you let me go home? It's been six days, and I'm sure my parents are worried…"
"YOU'RE NOT GETTING OUT, CHAOS!" Cartman yelled.
"B-but there's no bathroom in here; there's just a bucket, and it's full. And there's nothing to eat."
"You got poop, don't you?" It appeared the ringing had worn off.
"Coon!" gasped Kate.
"Don't fall for it, Melodyshock. We all know how female heroes are weak to men acting meek and helpless."
"How do we convince him to join us?" Stan asked.
"We just beat him to the next disaster," Kenny declared.
"What's worse than a fire that kills fourteen people?!" Kate asked.
Little did they know, there was a worse disaster on the way in the Gulf of Mexico. BP caused another oil spill, making everyone freak out. Captain Hindsight offered advice on how the disaster might've been avoided, but otherwise, he was unhelpful. Cartman tried offering him a spot in Coon and Friends, but to no avail. Meanwhile, Kate was trying to help Bradley avoid pissing off Cartman with his quote-unquote 'lameness' while making it clear that she was fully qualified to be a member of Coon and Friends.
"We need Cartman out," Kate sighed, shaking her head. "With all this drilling DP has done, it's going to cause problems. Having him as a leader is even more problematic."
"It'll be fine," Clyde assured her, patting her back. "Besides, didn't you start the team so you and Kenny could do what you needed to as superheroes?"
"Yeah, but Cartman's really taking it more seriously than we planned. DP is drilling on the moon and it's going to erupt in disaster." She was shaking with rage and fear. "How do we help out?"
"We take out Hindsight," Cartman replied, entering the basement. "I have a plan."
"Because your last one went so well…" Kate muttered. Ever since they'd started the team, Cartman had been pissing her off more and more.
"We take pictures of Captain Hindsight with Courtney Love and threaten to post them online unless he joins us."
"Who are you roping into this?" Kate asked.
"Chaos!"
"Aw, c'mon, don't make me dress up as Courtney Love," Butters said.
"And how are we going to get him with Captain Hindsight? Last time I checked, he hates us."
"We're just going to take naked pictures of Butters next to a homeless guy and Photoshop Captain Hindsight's face onto him."
"That will help disaster victims?" Kate pressed. "I don't think so. Out of all the stupid plans you've had, this one is one of the stupidest yet."
"HA! And what ideas do you have?"
"I have a lemon bar recipe from my mom," Clyde spoke up. "I think we should have a bake sale to raise money for the victims by selling lemon bars." Kate clapped her hands.
"Yes. That. We'll do that thing."
"UGH!" Cartman groaned. "Unlike you, Melodyshock, we're not the fucking Girl Scouts."
"Those people down there need help," Kenny spoke up. "Sometimes, being a hero means doing it in smaller ways."
"TIMMEH!" Timmy agreed.
"And you think selling lemon bars is helpful to mankind?!" Cartman snapped.
"More helpful than taking naked pictures of Butters," Bradley pointed out.
"SHUT UP, MINT-BERRY CRUNCH! YOU AREN'T EVEN ANYTHING!"
"LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Kate yelled.
"YOU SHUT UP, TOO, STUPID SIDEKICK WHORE!"
"And that's another thing," Clyde added. "Stop picking on Mint-Berry Crunch and Melodyshock!"
"Oh, what, are you the boss now?!" Cartman asked.
"No, but this is a democracy," Clyde sighed. "We are all equal. No leaders, no sidekicks, just heroes. We vote. All in favor of doing a bake sale to help the relief effort?" Everyone except Cartman raised their hands. Timmy raised a sword.
"Fine," Cartman snarled. "Let's do it."
"To the grocery store!" Stan cheered.
Outside, Clyde, Kate, and Bradley were walking with Cartman towards the store. Suddenly, the raccoon-themed 'hero' whipped around and landed a kick to his sister's gut. She fell to the ground, the wind knocked out of her as he proceeded to beat the crap out of all three of them. He then dragged them back to the Coon Lair, Kate whimpering in pain. He laid them on the table and waited for the others to come back.
"There," he declared once everyone was settled. "Now everything's back to the way it was, right?"
"Right," Bradley replied weakly.
"Right," Clyde echoed.
"Right," Kate whimpered.
"Kewl." He took a sip of his soda. "Now, what's next for Coon and Friends…?" He went upstairs, grinning victoriously.
"Kate was right," Kenny snarled to Kyle after Cartman had left. "We need Cartman out. He's being even more of a dick. Who beats up their own sister?!"
"I agree," Kyle replied, looking at Stan and the others. "All in favor of kicking Cartman out of Coon and Friends, say aye!"
"AYE!" all the remaining members cheered.
"I can handle it," Kate offered, holding her scratched-up arm. "Here's the plan…"
The next day, they found out about DP drilling again and ripping open a portal to another dimension this time. Liane also came home from a trip she'd been on for a few days. Kate put the plan into motion while Cartman was in the basement.
"Mama…?" she said weakly. Liane turned and gasped.
"Kate, honey, what happened?!" Kate sniffed, tears running down her face.
"E-Eric beat me and two other kids up, because we wouldn't do what he wanted in our s-superhero team!" Only a quarter of the performance was actually acting; most of it was genuine.
"That's it! Go into the basement, sweetie, and play with your friends. I'll be down in a few minutes to deal with your brother."
Meanwhile, in the basement…
"Hindsight has been taken care of!" Cartman announced. "Now the country will know of Coon and Friends!"
"We have more important things to discuss right now!" Stan snapped.
"Yes, like how we're going to deal with these creatures from another dimension."
"He means we have to discuss things with you!" Kenny exploded.
"Okay, what?"
"Aw, I don't wanna tell him. TupperWear?"
"I'm not telling him!" Token protested.
"I'll tell him," Kyle sighed. "Coon, I'm sorry, but we're kicking you out of Coon and Friends."
"What?! Why?!"
"I'll tell you," Kate called, hopping off the bottom stair. "It's because you're a selfish asshole who doesn't give a crap about the rest of us. You beat me, Mosquito, and Mint-Berry Crunch up because we didn't want to blackmail a grown man in spandex!"
"You're done, Coon!" Kyle added.
"You guys can't kick me out! This is my basement! Melodyshock, I'll tell Mom on you!"
"I already told her," Kate said smugly, turning towards the door. "MAMA!"
Liane entered the room, anger in her expression. She grabbed Cartman's arm and brought him upstairs.
"WHOA, THE FUCK, MOM?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" he screeched. She slammed the basement door shut.
"Eric, I told you, no beating up your friends!" she chided. "You hurt your sister! And I told you, I've had it with your language! Your punishment is that your friends will just have to play superhero without you!"
Little did they know what destruction it would all cause, especially once Cthulhu was released…
So there's part three of my Coon and Friends saga. Two more to go, and it looks like fun. I think after this, I'll either do "Raisins" or "You Got F'd in the A". Somebody asked what the fourth-grade restriction meant, and it means no episode before season 4. Sorry, guys, but classic episodes like "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe" and "Tom's Rhinoplasty" are off the table.
Interesting fact about me: I'm in a club at school called the Club of Cthulhu. It's a sci-fi/fantasy book club. The girl who started it is a friend of mine who loves H. P. Lovecraft.
Anyway, the Kyle-Kenny poll is still up. You have until February 14, 2018 to give your answer: Does Kate end up with Kyle or with Kenny? You decide!
So long and thanks for all the fish!