Chapter 10: Epilogue
After leaving my hometown we had nowhere to go, I was scared to go to any relative lest my father find us and Dean had no family who would help us. So we lived in the Impala till we found a shitty apartment earned with forged documents. Once we got settled in I couldn't escape the constant paranoia that my Father was going to find us. Dean shared my concerns, but even he started to get sick of my the annoying tendencies from my OCD. I began to have doubts, afraid Dean would leave, and in doing so I only managed to push him away. I imagined he was seeing someone else, but I was too scared to comfort him on it. Unfortunately, his only partner was a bottle of whisky; to be honest I would have preferred a secret lover.
The time that Deans alcoholism was at its worse was when his father infrequently returned. Dean could face down seven bullies without batting an eye, but he never did learn how to stand up to his Father. John Winchester never stayed for long only returning to take the little money we had to fuel his insane booze-fuelled hunt for this demon he claimed killed their Mother. It was obvious all that his sons wanted was him, not the absent father John Winchester was. Maybe if he stayed home with his boys instead of hunting for an imaginary demon he would have achieved his goal of protecting them he so desperately wanted. The worse part of it all was that every time Deans father showed up he made me hide in a different motel. The few days that his father stayed were the worst time in my life. My paranoia always escalated to extreme amounts. I once almost shot Dean when he climbed through the window in the night, his quick reflexes were the only thing that saved him. After that Dean and I had the second biggest fight of our relationship. He could never quite explain why he didn't want his father and I to meet. "Oh, you know how it is." He would tell me, but I never understood what he meant; He still refuses to discuss it even now when his father is long passed away. If I had to say I would probably pin it down to the harsh expectation his father had placed on him, and Deans need to live up to them no matter the cost. Dean often struggled with the feeling that he failed me, never gave the better life he promised but he never seems to get the message. It was the better life because he was here with me. Even if we lived in the impala half the time, and swindled cash out of strangers I was happy. As long as Dean was by my side I couldn't care less about anything else. Dean wanted to save everyone, fix everyone's problems but it just wasn't possible. A perfect life is more than picket fences and a puppy dog.
Despite our turbulent life, Sam did well in school. He excelled beyond our wildest hopes and went onto to study Law financed with a scholarship partly and the rest with the money Dean and I had saved. I never did get that scholarship for college, and Dean never became an actor. The scholarship was only a way to escape my father, but I will always be disappointed Dean never got to utilise his talents. We never finished high school that year, dropping out completely, but later in life when we were more settled I got my GED, Dean never attempted his. In the end I chose the army, it gave me a sense of control and helped my paranoia to know I was able to defend myself. I was happy, it was a stable income to support Dean and Sam. Even if it did take me away from my family. In my off time, I would volunteer for kids who were like me, running from their homes, helping them to be safe. I never did hear from Anna again. I heard only rumour that she had gotten married and died young in our hometown. I wasn't sure, but it sounded like a suicide from the lack of mention in the paper, and denial of burial at our church. I blamed myself, but it was Lucifer who was arrested for the murder of my parents and sentenced to life in jail. I later found out my father had manipulated him into setting the fire that killed Deans Mother. I declined to speak at his trial and still refuse to see Lucifer in jail. Gabriel never visits, he has his demons to carry, and I understand. I don't blame him for going missing when I needed him most. I just wished he would call once in a while.
I know your reasons for wanting me to write this Dean, but I know you also have another, even if you are loathe to admit it, even to yourself. I'm sorry Dean, I can't give you what you want. I know that you would be a great father you've proven that with Sam, but I am splinters of glass, held together with tape and string, broken. It's not fair to bring a child into my mess. I hope one day you can forgive me for denying you this. I love you Dean Winchester, you are the love of my life now and forever more.
The End