Madness in a Silken Thread
limiculous
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what her family kept from her, part v
stories
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Despite the neglect at home, despite her training as a companion, Inara had always been oddly sheltered. She knew almost nothing of the harsh reality of life on the rim, of crime in the core cities, of corruption in the government. Oh, she knew the theory, but theory did not prepare her for life on Serenity.
Theory did not prepare her for Zoe talking about the trenches (tyen shiao duh, grenades in the apples). Theory did not prepare her for the brutality of Mal and Wash's torture at the hands of Adelai Niska.
Along with her innocence of the evil of the world, Inara also had no real knowledge of the good times families could share. Her life had been marked by loneliness and loss. She had no stories of mad aunts or rambunctious cousins. There were no exciting vacations or family legends to speak of. She had only her experiences in the Guild to talk about, and she could see every thought that passed through Mal's head – through Jayne's, through Shepherd's – when she told stories about her clients, about training, about other companions.
She knows what she is. She is proud of her profession. It's something that she can fully lay claim to, something no one else can take credit for, something that she can be proud to call hers.
But.
The ghosts of her childhood – her long dead mother's indifference, her estranged father's disdain, the taunts of her peers at school – inform Inara over and over that she is not worthy.
She is nothing.
She is the ugly duckling who will never be a swan, no matter how she paints her face.
She will die young.
She is just a girl. Just a middle-class upstart. Just a failure. Just a disappointment. Just a whore.
Inara knows that her stories will never be personal. She knows that most of the crew will not see her; they'll only see her job and won't be able to separate the two.
Just a whore.
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A.N. - shit i'm really bad at this whole responsibility thing. i... lost my muse? but she came back two days ago and i've been writing like mad ^.^
If you ever have any questions, you can ask me on my tumblr, which is linked through my homepage on here. I'll probably be able to get back with you much quicker over there.