Jeff

…

/// I'm standing watching from the door as she sits him down.

"Here you go, honey. You sit back and I'll put him in your lap." Her voice is as soft as summer rain.

"Like this?"

"Just like that, sweetheart. Now, you put your arm under his head like this."

"He's gonna wake up."

The baby snickers on cue.

"Then he'll say hi to his big brother. Virgil, say hi to your brother."

She steps back and I see the two of them together.

Scott's absolutely rapt.

Twin emotions tug at my heartstring; confusion, because I'd truly expected jealousy, maybe even tantrums. And an odd glow.

Because this is my family ///

…

I've been receiving six-hourly reports from the boys. Each one has been grimmer than the last.

They pulled out a number of people alive toward the start of the operation, but for hours now they've just been pulling out bodies. I know what that feels like. Once, on the moon base, before I headed out for the Red Planet, there was a blow-out in a section of the living quarters. Five people lost their lives when the area depressurised, and I was part of the detail that had to suit up and retrieve the corpses. It wasn't a pleasant task. The faces of the dead stay with you for a long time. It isn't anything I'd really wish on any of my boys. But I guess someone has to do it. All I can do is hope that it's making, not breaking.

Twelve hours ago I tried to get Scott to pull out, but his response was firm. "There's no-one else here to do this, sir. There are only a handful of able-bodied men here, and they have no equipment for this kind of job. If we leave them to it they're going to start shifting rubble with their bare hands to get at the bodies. Some of these buildings aren't safe. There'll be more casualties."

In the end I capitulated. For a while I was glad I did. They found another – barely - live one.

But it nearly cost my two eldest their lives, and they couldn't save the child.

Days like today, I wonder what in hell I think I'm doing.

Sometimes when I'm with the boys I see something in their eyes that both reassures me and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Blind, unquestioning trust in a higher authority. They assume I have everything under control, that I have a plan, that I'm not just making the whole thing up as I'm going along. I get it even from Scott. He may not have much faith in me as a father, but as a CO he doesn't question my authority.

Kyrano's been quietly plying me with coffee. He enters quietly now, stands at my shoulder.

"Is there any news?"

"They're on their way back at last."

"That is good."

I glance at my watch. "ETA about thirty minutes. Can you have something standing by? They may be too tired to eat but we ought to try to get something down them."

Until we started with this business I hadn't appreciated how much weight a man can lose in thirty hours of hard labor.

He bows slightly and hesitates. "You have scarcely eaten yourself." His tone chides mildly.

I realize what he's saying and nod. "I'll come now. Brains can take care of the landing protocols."

I sit at one of the kitchen chairs and allow him to put food in front of me. But I'm still distracted by how easy it would be for something to go wrong.

"The boys took a risk today," I say to Kyrano.

He nods. "They do that every time they go out on call. But you feel this is different – why is it so?"

I sit back. "It isn't different. It's about critical mass."

He doesn't answer that, but turns his head to one side, waiting.

I sigh and look down. "A building came down. They barely made it out in time. I was right, Kyrano. It isn't fair to keep putting Scott in the position of having to make these kinds of decisions with his brothers' lives."

He sits beside me. "Have you told him of your plans yet?"

I shake my head. "Damned if I do, damned if I don't."

"He needs to know," Kyrano rebukes gently. "The sooner he is told, the more time he will have to adjust."

I know he's right. Truth is, I'm still chewing on this morning's events.

I've tried every way I know how to reach him. He resists it. I know that a relationship's a two-way process. But I was the adult; it was up to me to start the ball rolling right, and it got started so hopelessly wrong that thus far there's been no salvaging it.

He'd needed me as much as any of them when his mother died. And I let him down.

Recently I've made intermittent attempts to undo some of the damage. But he just doesn't want to know. I always told myself I wanted my sons to be independent. It's true – you should always be careful what you wish for.

Send in the fucking clowns.

I should have been more patient yesterday morning.

…