Thank you for the continued support with reviews - it's truly appreciated. This chapter has some scenes with a little sexual content. It is not graphic in anyway, but you have been warned. Please continue to review - it all helps!

Chapter Ten

'So I was thinking Potter,' Pacey began.

'Wow, how very innovative of you,' she grinned from the rocker where she was nursing Oren.

'You done?' he raised amused brows and Joey nodded, 'so I was thinking, we should take Oren to the beach for a play. Before all the kids break up for spring break. It's nice outside. The trees are covered in blossom, there are flowers everywhere and the sky is actually blue rather than the depressing grey it's been for the last few months.'

'So you want to go to the beach where there are no flowers?'

'You,' he pointed at her, 'make an excellent point. So I'll change this little impromptu plan and do a little more thinking,' he looked at her, 'come on Potter, there was a time when you couldn't have resisted another jibe about my lack of brain power. Don't be coy, hit me with it,' he looked at her again but she just shrugged.

'Sorry Pace, just the one jibe today.'

'Well we can work on that. Ok, so let's walk the boardwalk and finish up in the park for a picnic? What do you think? This Saturday I'm actually not working for once.'

'This Saturday is your birthday,' she pointed out. Her heart was racing and adrenalin was pumping through her body. This would end in tears she was almost certain.

'Is it? Wow I guess I should check a calendar more often and you know keep track of these things. Nineteen, what an old man, two more years and I'll actually be considered a grownup.'

'Pacey, surely you can make others plans on your birthday.'

'What other plans could be more perfect than spending the day with you and Oren, I mean really.'

'I don't know,' she hesitated. It was a reflex.

'Please Jo. The last few weeks since Oren came along have been a complete whirlwind, especially for you.'

'Ok, but when Jen, Jack and Dawson are home the following week you celebrate properly.'

'Maybe we can leave Oren with Bessie and we can both celebrate properly.'

'Oh I couldn't do that.'

'Which, leave Oren with Bessie or celebrate.'

'Either,' she shrugged. 'I would just be really happy if you did. I don't expect to be a point of particular interest for the others this time.'

'Joey, those guys aren't just your friends. We were all closer than that and you know it.'

'You were. Me? I don't know. I'm working on it, but now everybody is all spread around, it's not quite so easy.'

'Well look ok, I'll do something with them, fine, so long as you come for a picnic with me Saturday.'

'Ok, you got it.'

Saturday dawned bright and sunny. It had been a surprisingly good night with the baby and Joey felt disgustingly rested. She was completely torn. She wished she'd been up all night with Oren, that she'd awoken with a cold, that it would be pouring with rain, something, anything so that she could avoid something that felt like a date. Sure Oren would be there but he was always there. But it was Pacey's birthday and the guy had a history of seriously crappy birthdays. She was trying to be a better person and that sometimes meant putting others wishes above her own. The whole situation was tormenting her. Especially because there was a small, tiny part of her that wanted to go, that wanted to be with him. The larger part of her recoiled at the idea, simply wanted to resist getting any closer to him in order to protect them both.

She took her tablets as she did first thing every morning and fed Oren in bed. He was really rather adorable she noted, with his large almond eyes in the same blue as Pacey's. His lashes were still fine and delicate but long. His hair was divine with it's softness and it's curl but it was his ever present smile that really melted her. His eyes would follow her and he would just smile every time he managed to catch her eye. It wasn't like he didn't cry and fuss, he did, but not like she'd expected, not like Alex had. He was remarkably chilled out. Mary told her that all of her five had been different. Kerry had been a calm baby, a lot like Oren. She hadn't fussed. But Gretchen and Pacey? They had wanted constant holding, loving, feeding. She got up from the bed and hunted through his drawers for something extra cute for him to wear and found a pair of overalls made out of thin cotton, with a stripy long sleeved vest underneath. Jen had sent them when Oren was born and she had yet to use them.

Once he was dressed, he batted about under his play gym for a while whilst she tidied up and fretted. When she realized she was going to cry she put him in his crib and headed to the shower. It was a ridiculously long shower and she felt tired and overwhelmed when it was done, but she had no tears left for the moment. But then came the more difficult decisions. What she should wear for this birthday picnic. It was easy to dress Oren but she was an entirely different story.

'Start simple,' she said to herself. So she opened her cupboard and found a bra and panties. She took a deep breath and put them on before sinking to the end of her bed. After a few moments she stood and put on a simple necklace and a pair of silver studs. Not too much, not too little. She looked at her bed and wanted to hide in it but for once she wasn't sure whether it was the sadness or the fear that drew her there. Taking deep breaths she took her hairbrush and brushed out her hair. It was still too long, far too long so she pulled it back into a ponytail. Looking at her pale face she added a little blush and some lipstick. No mascara, never because she always cried. The clothes continued to elude her. She opened her bedroom window and realized how warm it was. Somehow a skirt without something underneath was too little. Oh she wished life were still simple. At length she decided to go with jeans and a pretty top. It was boring and safe and totally predictable. But it wasn't like it was a date. It couldn't be a date because she wouldn't have said yes if it was.

She scooped up Oren from his crib and grabbed him a little sun hat from his top drawer and a tiny hoody Doug had given him. She popped him in his basket and packed up her bag with diapers and wipes.

Bang. Bang. Bang.

She answered the door and he was stood there, looking happy and self assured. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and a baseball cap. As her heart pounded in her chest she realized exactly how good he looked.

'I um...'

'Yeah?' he frowned through his smile.

'Happy birthday,' she said instead and moved aside. 'We're not quite ready.'

'Hey we've got all day,' he shrugged easily. 'You mind if I carry Bub today?' he asked and she shook her head,

'Be my guest birthday boy. He weighs a ton.'

'No he doesn't.'

'Ok so not a ton, but you can't exactly tell he was premature.'

'No, true,' Pacey dropped to his knees beside the basket. 'Hey little guy,' he grinned down and Joey watched indulgently. She really had to take more care with her heart. She watched as Pacey scooped up his son and grinned at him. Oren grinned back, there was no other word for the smile. 'Pleased to see your daddy, huh.'

'He's always pleased to see you,' Joey said and sat at the table with an orange.

'I hope that's not breakfast.'

'It's a little ball of happiness,' she answered.

'Jo,' he reprimanded and she rolled her eyes.

'Just for today, please leave it, ok?'

'Ok,' he gave in easier than she expected.

'I just need to brush my teeth and then I'm ready.'

'Great, take your time, I think Oren and I need to go see his change mat anyway.'

'Help yourselves,' she gestured.

Things should have been wonderful but Joey had an ache in her stomach that just wouldn't go, and it wasn't caused by lack of food or any physical upset. It was too reminiscent of what she'd dreamed she and Pacey might have one day in the future. Back when they'd been in love, both on the True Love and when they'd first arrived back in Capeside she had, on occasion, indulged in a fantasy of their future, of their lives as a successful couple and just occasionally she'd seen a small bundle of baby strapped to Pacey's chest, much as there was one strapped to his chest as they walked down the pretty streets in the warm sunshine. Only they weren't together. They weren't in love, or the love they shared was complicated and somewhat tainted. They were children themselves who had done nothing and been nowhere. Their prospects weren't good though they weren't abysmal either. They had a child with them they both loved but he hadn't been made from love. It was like an alternate reality where every bit of her fantasy was tainted just a little. Except for Oren of course. He was perfect.

'Are you ok Jo?' Pacey asked with a smile at her. He didn't ask as much as he had at first because he was used to her long silences now and he endeavoured to never make them uncomfortable.

'Just wondering where the picnic is,' she attempted a tease and he took it.

'Aha, little ball of happiness maybe, stomach filler definitely not.'

'Haha, did you pick up my camera? I don't remember doing it.'

'In the bag,' Pacey smiled.

'You mind if I get it?' she asked. Taking photos had become an excellent way to avoid eye contact, to be doing something that pretended to be with others. Looking at life through a lens sometimes provided clarity and at other times protection. Right now she needed protection.

'Sure,' he shucked off the bag and she dug into the front pocket until she emerged victorious. She zipped the bag back up and pulled it onto her back.

'I can carry it,' he protested but she just pulled out the camera and looked at Pacey through the view finder. Thank god Anna had got her a camera with a view finder. She stared at his face as he smiled at her. If only she hadn't ruined everything between them life would be so different. She took a few pictures and put her camera away. 'Feel better?' he asked pointedly.

'Not really.'

'Joey, this is ok. You and I are going to be in one another's lives forever, we have to be able to get along, to be friends. And we've always been friends.'

'Really?' she shot him a sideways look and he laughed.

'Well I always liked you.'

'I think you put up with me,' Joey corrected.

'After Krudski moved away and well even before, it was always you, me and Dawson. Of course I liked you. Sure I picked on you, how else could I let you know I liked you. And you were just the prettiest girl I'd ever seen, I didn't need a beauty pageant to reveal that and you just stormed at me the whole time. It was fun and then it was a turn on so I didn't mess with it. That all changed though when I fell in love with you.'

'You mean that's when I sucked your soul dry?'

'You are so dramatic,' he complained, 'you didn't ever suck my soul dry, I meant I took the banter a little hard when I loved you and didn't know you felt the same way. But once I knew, well our old patented banter...still a turn on.'

'Then came the soul sucking?' she queried and smirked at his expression.

'There was never any soul sucking woman.'

'Did you just call me woman?' she crossed her arms.

'Well you are one. I've seen you're rather gorgeous chest enough in the last few weeks to know that.'

'You're such a pervert.'

'And you darlin' are still a prude. I actually thought I may have forced it out of you. You weren't exactly a prude in bed.'

'I'm still a prude about discussing me in bed,' she pointed out and flushed.

'We don't have to discuss it, won't stop me thinking about it.'

'Pacey,' she protested.

'It's my birthday Joey. I'm allowed to think about whatever I want.'

'It's probably not so clear anyway, probably my hair colour changes, the size of my chest changes, the shape of my body. Don't they all just blur into one?' she arched a brow at him and he chuckled,

'Nah, sorry, nice try but you'll always stand out.'

'I don't really remember being with you. Not except for the first and the last time.'

'You don't?' Pacey sounded genuinely horrified.

'Depression seems to have wiped me clean of a lot of good memories. I remember they were good.'

'They were fantastic,' he told her smugly and she smiled.

'You're the one with all the comparison.'

'Well you better trust me then. Or I can always remind you?' he waggled his eyebrows at her and she laughed.

'I'm trying to stay out of the mental institute and I'm not sure that would help.'

'Fine, fine...your choice,' he held up his hands disarmingly, 'though you realize you just indicated that sex with me is mind blowing?' he grinned and she laughed and then she couldn't stop laughing.

'You're ridiculous,' she muttered between giggles.

'Ahhh, are those tears of laughter?' he asked and nudged her shoulder with his.

'You're such a doofus,' she muttered. 'Now where's the picnic, I'm hungry.'

'We need to pick it up from my new place of work.'

'What happened at the Leery's?'

'That, my dear, was only ever an apprenticeship. Bodie departing his infinite skill in the kitchen to yours truly.'

'So where do you work?' she frowned.

'Well after next Saturday's grand opening, I work at the newly refurbished SS Icehouse,' he gestured grandly to the building and grinned hopefully. She felt like she'd been hit. It was wonderful really, but the wind was gone from her and she sort of sank to the grass and stared at her old family business. 'I had a feeling your reaction might not be entirely positive,' he sunk to the ground beside her, stretching his legs out in front of himself so he didn't squash Oren.

'I don't have a reaction...I mean...I just never expected...'

'The site went up for sale. It had been fixed up after the fire but pretty badly. Doug, he's sponsoring this venture. For the moment he's sole owner but when I'm twenty one the idea is I'll buy out the majority of it. I manage it and I cook. The menu's really simple. In fact that's the general ethos behind the whole place. Simple, affordable, good, healthy food. We have a live band here next weekend, free drinks the whole day when you order food and you're just going to love the waitstaffs uniform.'

'Some horrendous Hawaiian shirt?' she asked through tears she hadn't realized she was crying.

'Boy you know me well.'

'I don't know you at all. I never...never...expected...'

'I did this for many reasons Jo. One, I think I could be good at it. Two, well I think that this is good for us, good for our family, together or not. Oren needs a dad who's not just a waste of space, a dad who sticks at things. And third, well this was your family's place. It's kind of back in your family again,' he trailed off and she didn't know what to say. Somehow her head found it's way to his shoulder and when he kissed her hair she didn't panic. It just felt nice.

The picnic had been delicious. It was even nicer to lie on the grass on a warm day. Pacey had brought an umbrella from the restaurant over so that Oren wasn't in the direct sun.

'Oh the sun is good for me,' Joey mused as she soaked up it's rays.

'I've always loved looking at you in the sun,' Pacey said bringing attention to what Joey had been ignoring - Pacey's eyes on her. Oren began to grumble.

'Relaxing doesn't last long these days,' she pushed herself to a sitting position and shifted into the shade.

'You ok to nurse there?'

'I'll be fine,' she said unhooking her bra and pushing up her shirt and allowing Oren to have his milk. 'Actually this is going to kill my back, and strain my stomach,' she shifted. 'Can I lean against your side?' she hadn't even realized how casually and easily she was asking for what she was asking. Pacey, to his credit said nothing but shifted until the side of his body took the weight of hers providing her with back support. 'Better, thanks,' she whispered suddenly aware of his solidity all along her back. Subconsciously she leant back into him, and as if feeling her need he pressed a kiss to her head. Her eyes fluttered shut. It felt so natural, so normal for them to be together that way, to be sat in the sun entwined. They'd spent months in the sun entwined, body's pressed together, lips on lips, hands tracing the shape of one another. Everything about the moment contradicted her mantra of so many months. That she repulsed him. He wasn't flinching, he seemed pretty full and not devoid in anyway. He pressed another kiss to her head and his hand ever so gently came to rest across her stomach under Oren's body. Another kiss, as if he couldn't resist, not when she was allowing intimacy after so long.

'Hey...it is you guys?' Dawson's voice. Joey opened her eyes and he was stood looking down at them an odd expression on his face.

'Dawson sit man, can't move, I'm Joey's back support,' from the way his arm tightened around her Joey didn't think Pacey had any intention of moving. 'I didn't think spring break started for another week.'

'Actually us film students get a couple of weeks. I'll be working on a project this week.'

'Aren't you always,' Pacey laughed.

'I thought I'd surprise you with a visit on your birthday, so happy birthday man.'

'Thanks,' Pacey grinned. Joey had closed her eyes again wondering what her old best friend would make of her child, would make of her as a mother.

'Where's your baby guys?' Dawson asked with a grin, 'I've been wanting to see this little man - my mom doesn't stop gushing about how cute he is.'

'He's right here Dawson,' Joey gave him a little smile and gestured to her chest.

'Oh wow...sorry, I didn't even see him what with the blanket. Now I get the whole back support bit. You're nursing him?'

'Why is everyone so surprised?' Joey rolled her eyes.

'I guess..I just don't know many moms that did that.'

'It's easier, it's cheaper and food is always ready and available,' Pacey grinned and Joey smiled.

'And more moms than you know do it I'm sure.'

'Can I join you guys?' Dawson asked and Pacey nodded,

'Of course.'

'It's a beautiful day,' Dawson said looking at Joey. Joey could feel his eyes on her and suddenly the beauty and simplicity of allowing herself to use Pacey as a leaning post felt obvious and crass. She began to move but Pacey, perhaps predicting her thoughts, held her tight and took infinite pleasure in kissing her head yet again. 'Have I missed something here?' Dawson asked looking at them pointedly.

'Actually Joey's just letting me close because it's my birthday. She's kind that way.'

'You make it sound like I'll be sleeping with you later,' Joey protested.

'A guy can wish,' Pacey shrugged easily.

'I'll be crying about this later, I can't imagine what sex would do to me,' she said rather bluntly.

'Don't cry about this. It is what it is. You need to feed the baby, I'm making you comfortable.'

'Technically he's not feeding anymore. Dawson, you want to hold him a second so I don't expose my chest to the whole of Capeside?'

'Sure,' Dawson crawled across the grass and Joey shifted to allow him to take the sleeping baby.

'Finally asleep,' she breathed with relief. 'Just sort of rest him on your shoulder and rub his back. He doesn't really sick up so you should be fine,' she fiddled with her bra and top. 'I need to move away from you Pace. Hanging on by a thread here,' she said quietly and he released her, leaving her quite bereft.

'Thank you,' he said gently and she nodded but said nothing. She turned her back on the two boys for a few moments and took deep calming breaths before turning back, and tuning into the conversation about the grand opening.

'Do you remember, back when it was just the three of us?' she asked at a lull in the conversation.

'Of course,' Dawson grinned, 'we got up to a lot of mischief.'

'Does it ever surprise you, in retrospect of course, how much time we were allowed to spend together?'

'We didn't all ask for permission,' Pacey teased watching Dawson cradle Oren.

'Well no.' She gave him a little smile, 'Why did I have no friends who were girls? I mean you two were great, but it was a little abnormal.'

'It wasn't abnormal,' Dawson defended but Pacey laughed,

'Joey, you've always been, well you've always been you. You didn't want loads of friends, you wanted good friends and I guess that was us.'

'It's been a long time now,' Dawson said. 'And look at you guys now!'

'High school graduates with a baby?' Joey frowned. 'Not exactly fulfilling our dreams.'

'You see Potter, you get it wrong every time, the dreams aren't static, they change. Some stay the same, some are really consistent, but the route you take, well that's all subject to change.'

'You mean I may one day see Paris?'

'I promise that you'll one day see Paris.'

'And how old will Oren be then?'

'Does it matter?' Pacey asked, 'Paris isn't going anywhere.'

'Guys I'm going to see you later, leave you to your picnic,' Dawson stared at them his mind clearly working. 'Can I take you out for a game of pool later Pacey?'

'Well I normally help Jo,' Pacey began but Joey gave him a look,

'Seriously, it's your birthday. I'm sure Doug will be over the minute he gets wind of the fact that you're not.'

'Fair enough,' he chuckled.

'See you guys. He's really lovely.'

'Thanks Dawson,' Joey smiled.

'Can I call over tomorrow? You know a little Dawson and Joey time?'

'Sure,' she nodded.

They watched as Dawson headed off up the street.

'You miss him?' Pacey asked and Joey thought for a bit.

'I miss everything and nothing at the moment. And you, you're emblematic of that you know.'

'Me?' he looked at her with a small frown. He looked, quite honestly, beautiful.

'Yeah. You know when you first came back, I couldn't bare to be near you. The thought of you touching me was just too overwhelming.'

'I remember, believe me. When you let me touch your stomach at Christmas, I thought you might collapse on me.'

'I did collapse, just not on you. After you were gone.'

'Oh.'

'Well, since Oren was born, I don't know what's happened to me. I long for you. I spend hours thinking about you and you being near me and touching me, god I think about being touched by you. Like I said, I just want you so much it's a little scary. And yet you actually touching me, well that terrifies me. The thought of you actually being close to me, it so conflicts with this idea that I made you physically recoil from me with who I was to you. So this longing, this need I have for you it's everything and nothing.'

'I want you so much it makes it hard to see anything but you,' he told her, the words heavy between them, his look utterly intense.

'But you see...to me that's all tied up in Oren. If he wasn't here you wouldn't be here.'

'But he is here and so are we. If he wasn't you'd be in Boston, I'd be in Boston, I wouldn't be over you and you wouldn't be over me.'

'You must be over me. I just don't get how you're not over someone who did to you what I did.'

'And I don't get how you can long for someone who said the things to you I did.'

'I knew this was a bad idea,' she shook her head and began to gather her stuff.

'Now this, this is the Joey I know. You're forced to face views different to your own set ideas and you run away,' he was clearly frustrated.

'I'm not running away, I'm trying to avoid a public mental breakdown.'

'You don't need to have a breakdown,' he stood and faced her.

'But I'm about too,' she offered.

'Please Joey,' he bent his knees in order to look in her eyes, 'please.'

'Please what?' she looked up at him and she faltered because he looked like he might kiss her.

'Take me home, please take me home,' she dropped to the grass and held her knees and so Pacey called Doug.

Joey cared for Oren mechanically. When she wouldn't speak Doug had wanted to stay but she just shook her head, and took herself and Oren to bed. She didn't know whether she was immobilized by sadness though. She felt sad, that hadn't gone, but the thing with Pacey was more about a dreadful fear of the consequences. What if he touched her and it wasn't what he thought it would be? What if all those awful things she'd made him feel, what if they came rushing back. It would be unbearable to go through that again, to know that she made him feel so utterly awful and how could she make him feel good when she was such a mess. It was his birthday and she hadn't even given him his gift, had barely said goodbye. Again she was selfish and it killed her that no matter how hard she tried everyone seemed to end up hurt.

Oren went to sleep but she did not. Instead she pulled out her cellphone and sent a spontaneous text to him,

Come by when you're done with Dawson

Her heart hammered as soon as it was sent. She wasn't entirely sure what her plan was - apologize and give him his gift was her main thought. It wasn't a big gift but it was his birthday. She brushed her teeth and looked at herself in the mirror. She looked gaunt and tired. Sighing she went through to the living room and selected a cd, The Velvet Underground. It must have been only half an hour after her text that he knocked at the door softly.

She moved through the apartment and opened the door and he was stood there looking every bit as gorgeous as he had earlier even though he'd changed to jeans and a checked shirt with rolled up sleeves.

'I didn't give you your present,' she said and he shook his head,

'No you didn't,' he agreed. She stared at him, those eyes of his stormy and staring into hers, challenging her, pleading with her, just begging for her to close the distance between them.

'Wait there,' she held up a finger and went back into the apartment. She couldn't give him what he was asking but she could give him something.

'Jo,' he complained, but she returned a second later.

'This is from Oren,' she said, 'you can keep it at the Icehouse.'

'Thanks,' he said as he pulled out a mug with the tiniest fingerprint animals on it he'd ever seen. Tears filled his eyes as he tucked it back in the bag, 'I um...love it.'

She stepped up close to him and slipped her hand into his,

'This is from me,' she said simply and kissed him, softly on the lips. She'd meant it to be a soft, gentle, quick kiss but Pacey obviously had other ideas. He groaned loudly and pushed her against the wall of the corridor in the apartment, all the while his lips fused with hers, his tongue exploring her mouth, his hands all over her body. His hand sought the skin at her waist and quickly climbed her ribs before cupping her chest. He groaned again and she could feel how turned on he was in exactly the right place and instead of pushing him away, she tugged him closer until his hips ground against her. A breathy moan filled the air - hers and her hands plunged into his hair, to hold his mouth to hers. Pacey apparently wasted no time and he flicked the catches on her nursing bra so it fell open and she spilled into his hands, as he ground against her again. Then she was crying, crying so hard it scared even her as her hands dropped from him and she slid down the wall. She felt Pacey gather her into his arms and then he was carrying her through to the living area. He placed her on the couch and then disappeared. Joey curled up on the couch and sobbed and then Pacey was back with the cushions and duvet from her bed. He tucked them all around her and then disappeared returning a few moments later with a couple more blankets. Then he climbed onto the tiny couch beside her and buried them both under the weight of the duvet, blankets and pillows.

'I'm not going anywhere Jo,' his hands on her, pulling her closer and closer. 'I'm sorry I ever made you doubt how I feel about you, what touching you means to me. I'm sorry,' he pulled her impossibly closer. 'I love you, I do. For me you're it. You've been it for me for so long. It's ok sweetheart, it's ok,' he kissed her head and then just held her in silence. When Oren cried he left the nest he'd built and fetched the baby. As she cried on he put the baby to her chest, his hand stoking her hair as she allowed the child to feed. Then he changed his diaper and put him back in his crib before returning to the nest with her. At some point she fell asleep but when she awoke she was still in her nest and Pacey was still wrapped around her. She pushed her way out of the covers and squinted at the bright sunshine.

'Hey,' Pacey emerged behind her, and reached out a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. He looked like he wanted to say more but she had more pressing matters,

'I need Oren. My chest, it hurts,' she used an arm to cover up where milk had leaked.

'Don't be embarrassed,' Pacey kissed her head and went to the bedroom to fetch the sleepy baby. 'Go to your mommy,' he whispered kissing the curly hair. She took him and he looked up at her and smiled. She couldn't help but smile back, as she lifted her shirt and put him to her. She focused on her baby. 'I'll make tea,' Pacey said and headed to the kitchen and the apartment filled with normal sounds. The whimpers and noises of the baby, the kettle boiling, cups clinking together. It was as if the world didn't know that she and Pacey had kissed the night before. That somehow the world was normal and not irrevocably altered. She'd meant to kiss him, a simple kiss, but just like when they'd first started dating she couldn't keep away from him and she wanted so much more than a kiss. Apparently so had he.

'Tea,' he put it on a stool beside her. 'May I?' he gestured to the space beside her and she nodded. He was always careful not to assume and she loved him for it. He slipped back under the covers and she leant towards him a little, aware that to lean away from him would be to subject him to the same treatment that she had the morning after their first night together, all that time ago. He pressed a soft kiss to her head. She looked at him, and their eyes seemed to tangle together and then he was kissing her, a deep, ardent kiss. 'I'm sorry,' he said as they broke a part.

'It's ok, I'm not going to cry,' she whispered.

'Are you sure, because last night...' he frowned slightly. 'I kind of took advantage,' he admitted.

'You didn't,' she shook her head, 'I kissed you.'

'You weren't aiming for it to be a kiss like that,' he mused wryly, 'I know that, but at the time I guess I got caught up in the moment.'

'Another hormonal melt down?' she queried with raised brows and he chuckled, clearly surprised at her calm.

'You kissed me back,' he echoed the past as well.

'I could give you the silent treatment again but that seems a little like hard work. I'm not in denial.'

'I shouldn't take liberties with you this morning though, I know that, and I'm sorry.'

'That's true.'

'But there are positives,' he looked at her with piercing eyes.

'There are?'

'Well yeah. Firstly, you got to kiss me and I you and that is always fabulous.'

'Yes,' she nodded.

'Secondly, we kissed and you didn't have a mental breakdown.'

'I think there may have been a little mental breakdown.'

'Maybe,' he brushed his thumb across her cheek and her eyes fluttered shut.

'Thank you for my nest.'

'Thank you for letting me share it,' he whispered his eyes on her lips.

'I need to...go to the bathroom,' she passed him Oren to wind, 'I don't know how long he slept for but I need to shower and get rid of some milk.'

'Are you ok?' he took Oren and put him on his shoulder.

'I don't know Pace,' she breathed deeply for a few moments. 'I'm extremely confused and mixed up, sad and relieved. You remember that kiss, that first one at aunt Gwen's when you said you'd never felt better or worse at the same time?'

'I remember,' he nodded.

'Thats kind of how I feel. I can't tell which way the scales are tipping - worse or better. I'm relieved to have been touched, that somehow we can touch, but at the same time terrified of it happening again. Terrified of just everything. I'm really scared of you touching me and then stopping...stopping because of who I am again.'

'Joey,' he stood up and took her hand, 'I stopped touching you. You're right I did. And I told you it was for a number of reasons.'

'That I make you feel like you're nothing,' they had had this conversation before.

'I wish I had never said that.'

'You said it because it was true.'

'Yeah, at the time it was true,' he squeezed her hand, 'but Jo, everything made me feel like I was nothing. You were the closest person to me and I took it all out on you. You know more than I like about turning on yourself. My problem was I turned on myself and blamed everyone else. I was selfish Jo. I stopped taking pleasure in your success and held your success up as evidence of my failure. Yeah I felt like nothing and I couldn't touch you but it wasn't you it was me.'

'I have to go to the bathroom Pace,' she put an arm across her chest to hide the milk stain, 'But I have heard you.' She kissed his cheek quickly and headed to the bathroom, turning on the shower and beginning to cry. She stripped off her top and bra and stared at herself in the mirror. Her hair was wild, her skin a little sun kissed from the previous day. She looked at her body. Her stomach was back to normal except for the scar across it and a slight looseness to the skin she imagined would have been worse if Oren hadn't been early. She wasn't tidy between her legs, not like she had been before. Her breasts looked normal except for the dark red blotch across the skin of one of them, the one that hurt. Sighing she headed for the shower, the warmth and the freedom to vent out her emotions. She cried for a long time and then attempted to hand express milk from her chest, to relieve some of the pain and pressure. She didn't feel so good but she just had to tidy between her legs. It was like her inability to care for herself there spoke volumes about her inability in life in general. Whilst she was at it she shaved under her arms and her legs, for what must have been the first time in a long time. She dried off and stared in the mirror again. She didn't feel good. She quickly brushed her teeth.

'Pace,' she emerged with a towel wrapped around herself.

'Jo, Dawson is here,' Pacey met her in the hallway, his eyes roving over her bare skin.

'What time is it?' she frowned.

'Ten. You like long showers,' he smiled and she blushed. His hand reached out and ran down her bare arm and he took a step towards her. She took a step back, her back hitting the wall behind her. He breathed deeply and took a step away from her.

'Sorry,' he whispered.

'It's ok,' she smiled softly and it was. She wanted him like she'd always wanted him even if each kiss and touch was a mixture of pleasure and pain. Pacey stepped closer to her again and pressed his lips to hers, just for a second and her hands wrapped around his neck. After a few moments she broke the kiss. 'I need to go to the doctors,' she stated, 'so I need to get dressed. Give me a moment please?'

'Sure,' he nodded. 'Your chest still sore?' he asked and she nodded. Carefully he tugged the edge of the towel down and looked at the redness and the swelling. He brushed his fingers gently across her. 'I'll call the clinic.'

'Thank you.'

'Hello Dawson,' Joey emerged into the living area a few minutes later dressed in simple clothing, leggings and a t-shirt.

'Pacey said you don't feel well?'

'No I...feel tired and feverish. I'll be fine, I'm sure,' she picked up Oren from his play gym and sat on the rocking chair. Lifting her shirt she unhooked her bra and tempted him to feed but he simply wasn't hungry and kept looking at her and smiling. After a couple of minutes he began to fret and so she did her bra back up and pulled her shirt down. She looked up and noticed Dawson shifting uncomfortably on the couch. 'Sorry... I think I have a problem with a blocked duct or something.'

'Appointment at 11.30,' Pacey stated hanging up.

'Thanks.

'I'm really sorry I can't come with you. I'm meant to be at the Icehouse preparing for the soft opening tomorrow, but if you want, I can try and make it there.'

'I'm fine,' she reassured him, 'you're needed at the Icehouse. It's just a blocked duct or something.'

'Ok. Well call me if you change your mind. I have to go,' he took her hand and squeezed it. She was fully aware of Dawson but hyper aware of Pacey, as his eyes flicked between her lips and her cheek, obviously uncertain. She stood on tip toes and placed a quick kiss to his lips.

'Thank you for looking after me.'

'Anytime,' he grinned at her. Dropping a kiss on Oren's head he looked at Dawson,

'A quick word man?' he asked and Joey watched her two best friends move to the door and talk in hushed voices. Dawson came back a few minutes later,

'So tell me about LA? Tell me about this project you're working on?' she asked as she peeled an orange. As Dawson spoke and Oren kicked about on the mat she focused on removing the peel. Then she went about methodically moving all the white pulp. Finally she split it into segments. She responded to Dawson, showed an interest but the orange helped her keep control of herself.

'You sound like you're enjoying LA?' she smiled.

'I am. And I'm not.'

'What do you mean?'

'LA is a long way from home,' he smiled a little ruefully. 'I think maybe I'd be happier in Boston, or just somewhere nearer.'

'Could you do the course in Boston?' she asked pointedly.

'No, not really,' he chuckled. 'Shouldn't we start to walk to the clinic?'

'Actually I don't really think I can. I think maybe I should text Doug and see if he can run us there,' she felt really rather awful.

'Ok,' he looked at her in concern as she grabbed her cell and text Doug. A moment later he text back saying he'd be there.

'Doug is pretty good to you,' he said and she nodded.

'All the Witter's are. I find it hard with John and Mary at times, knowing how they've treated Pace, the things they've done to him.'

'I know Pacey's parents aren't the best but...'

'They've both called him a loser to his face when I've been there. They've changed a lot I think, since helping me, since seeing Pacey not turn his back on me. But it's hard sometimes to reconcile how they treat me with how I know they've treated Pace.'

'You're very defensive of Pacey.'

'Why wouldn't I be?' She gave him a look. It was an odd question really. Did Dawson still doubt that she loved Pacey? Did he still think it was just an experiment?

'I don't know. But at Christmas you couldn't bare for him to touch you.'

'A lot has happened since Christmas,' she acknowledged and he nodded,

'True,' he looked at Oren and smiled.

'With Pacey and I it's complicated,' she said and then laughed. 'I used to say that about you and I and now we're so simple.'

'Are we?' he gave her a look.

'I think so.'

'Pacey asked me not to say anything, he was worried it would upset you, but that kiss? Are you two back together and I have to ask Joey, if you are, is that wise?'

'I think I'd rather talk about you and go see the doctor,' Joey stood and moved to the window looking for Doug. He wasn't there but she grabbed Oren's bag and shoved her baby carrier into it and then picked up Oren and put his coat onto him.

'I'm sorry, I spoke out of place.'

'You did Dawson, entirely,' she snapped and then sighed. It was this, this anger she was trying to get rid of. 'I understand your concern but believe me, no one is more concerned about things between Pacey and I than Pacey and I, so your concern is noted but not necessary.'

'I see,' Dawson nodded but he didn't sound very sincere. He picked up the back pack as she headed for the door with Oren. She turned back to look at him,

'I don't think you do. Not entirely. I'm sick Dawson. Depression is an illness and it ebbs and flows into peaks and troughs. Generally I am doing better, but everything effects it.'

'I just thought...'

'I'm sorry I'm not the Joey you grew up with. I'm sorry I can't be that person at the moment. I care about you Dawson, a lot, but I can't always analyze everything anymore. Sometimes the conclusions are too hard for me to cope with.'

'I'm sorry,' he said and this time he sounded sincere.

'Me too,' she smiled at him weakly and headed down the stairs.

Pacey was looking at her like she was speaking another language.

'You have what?'

'Mastitis - it's an infection in the milk ducts. I must have had a blockage and when Oren didn't feed I guess the blockage wasn't cleared.'

'So what are we doing about it?' he asked.

'Antibiotics and being generally grumpy.'

'That's your plan?' he shot her a sideways look his eyes bluer than blue.

'That's my plan.'

'Sounds good to me.'

'Well maybe you can let Dawson know. He wants me to help with his film.'

'Do you want to help with his film?'

'In theory maybe. Feeling like this no. And if I have the energy to help anyone, surely that should be you?' she looked at him and his expression softened. He'd arrived at the apartment after work and she'd been lying on the floor feeling sorry for herself. Oren was beside her and she was there under the pretence of playing with him but after Dawson had left around one, she'd been alone and feeling horrid. Oren had been fractious and windy, apparently a side affect of the antibiotics passing through her milk to him. She'd paced the floor with him in her arms until she could pace no more.

Pacey had walked in around seven and immediately rescued her. He so good at doing that, it made her feel, well, a little depressed. He'd sat her on the couch and put Oren in his bouncy chair. After getting her settled he'd brought her her duvet, snuggled her under it, set up her laptop and somehow rummaged around in his bag until he found a DVD of The English Patient, sheepishly admitting he'd got it when Oren was born lest he be in anyway like his cousin. After he'd made her tea and heated up some soup he had bathed Oren and then given her the baby to feed. Once done he was in bed at what was rapidly becoming his bed time, 8pm. No where in any of it had Pacey kissed her or touched her in any way other than to help her. It was impossible for her not to notice that.

'You want to help me?' he asked and she nodded.

'Family business, isn't that what you said?'

'That mean you're willing to do a little waitressing sometimes?' he gave her a cheeky grin to which she rolled her eyes.

'We'll see,' she muttered.

'Not a no, wow.'

'Seriously Pace, when I feel better, can I do anything to help?'

'The only thing that would help, well would help me, is if you'd consider coming to the grand opening? I know the evening bit is late but Oren sleeps anywhere and through anything. If we took the stroller we could put him to bed in there, I don't think the music would bother him, not with how much you play music here.'

'I don't know,' she looked down. 'I wish I could just say yes, but I don't know.'

'That's ok, just think about it,' he reassured and for a few minutes they were silent, their eyes on the screen. Pacey put his hand next to hers and after a few minutes his hand brushed hers, a small, possibly accidental touch. Then his little finger tangled with hers. Cautiously she moved her hand until all their fingers were threaded together. He smiled. In fact he had the biggest grin on his face. She reached out with her other hand and paused the movie.

'I haven't watched a movie in over a year. No tv nothing,' she told him.

'Really?' his voice squeaked adorably.

'Nope. I'm actually very uncultured these days.'

'I wouldn't say that.'

'Maybe I should try those Twilight books,' she said thoughtfully.

'Definitely,' he smirked, 'I mean they're no Shakespeare or Austen but they serve a purpose.'

'They do?'

'Yeah, they entertain.'

'Well a bit of entertaining sounds good.'

'I'll bring you some Kurt Vonnegut as well.'

'Kurt Vonnegut?' she raised her brows.

'My new favourite author.

'Let's see how I get on first.'

'Sure,' he smiled easily and his thumb stroked the skin of her hand.

'Thanks,' she hesitated for a few moments, 'Pacey?'

'Yeah?'

'Do you think I'm a very weak person? I mean this deep depression and my continued inabilities?'

'Weak?' he clarified and then shook his head, 'no, I don't think you're weak. I don't think I've met anyone stronger than you. Depression isn't a choice or a weakness, not in any way. And you, you're strong. You know what it is and you aren't afraid to claim it, and you aren't afraid to take the help to deal with it. You're pretty much the strongest person I know.'

Joey looked at him without knowing what to say. Instead of saying anything she moved the duvet aside slightly and lay her head down on his lap, loving the feeling of his hands running through her hair. For a long time they sat like that in silence.

'I need to go to bed,' she said at length. 'Would you stay here tonight?'

'Really?' he looked at her.

'With me, in my bed, but...well innocently.'

'Yeah, I'll stay,' he smiled at her and she smiled back. She wasn't sure why she'd asked him to stay, only that his solid presence in some way seemed to be holding her together.

Tiredly she got up from the couch and went through the bathroom, going into her room where the bed was now made and putting on her pyjamas. She slipped under the covers after checking Oren and lay there, listening to the sounds of water running in the bathroom, the toilet flushing.

'Are you ok if I just wear my boxers and a t-shirt?' he whispered from beside the bed.

'We've slept together in less,' she rolled over to look at him and then rolled back again as she felt him lift the covers and slide in beside her. Cautiously he pulled her back against him, his arms encircling her and she could feel it, that pulse of "alive" she'd described to him at Aunt Gwen's. Though the situation might be innocent this time, it didn't feel all that innocent in a double bed with his desire pressed against her and his large hand under the hem of her tank top.

'I've missed being close to you so much,' he whispered the words but she didn't respond, just put a hand across the top of his and closed her eyes.

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