Legolas

I cannot sleep. Elrohir is still not back and I lie there trying to convince myself he will eventually return. With every passing hour it gets harder. Trust him, trust him, trust him, I say to myself. It is a chant I say over and over in my head. But I have spent so long, so many years telling myself I would lose Elrohir that to believe otherwise I am finding almost impossible.

There are only Aragorn and Gimli here with me, just like it used to be, when things were simpler although far more dangerous. Elladan and Glorfindel, after a hushed, tense, agitated conversation have withdrawn themselves into the woods, perhaps so Glorfindel can shout his frustration without so many listening ears. Gimli sleeps, I can hear his gentle snores, after years of travelling with him I find them a comfort, something familiar and reliable, a sign of his solid presence. He is always there at my back, shielding me from whatever it is attempting to destroy me and he is still here now even if he is angry. He will not walk away from me, he will never walk away from me. How can I think of doing the same to him?

Aragorn is awake, he stands watch although it is not that necessary now, old habits die hard. It reminds me, the three of us here like this, so much of days in the past. A pang of loss strikes me for we are not like this now and I yearn to return to it, just for a short time if I could. I am debating speaking with Aragorn when a rustle of leaves heralds Elrohir's long wished for return.

I gaze at him from where I lay. The moonlight lights up his face, illuminates his beauty which shines through the dark. He takes my breath away. His eyes drift over the clearing, I feel them land on me, then he strides over to Aragorn, my chance to speak with him is gone, instead I listen...and watch from my place in the darkness.

"So you have decided to return." Aragorn manages to sound unimpressed. "What have you been doing?"

"Thinking." Elrohir is taciturn and not forthcoming.

"It took rather a long time. I could have done with you here."

"Well, we all know Elladan has the brains. I am rather slower."

The sad thing is I know Elrohir actually believes this.

"Speaking of Elladan, where is he...and Glorfindel?"

"They have taken themselves off somewhere," Aragorn gestures vaguely to the surrounding woods. "So we cannot hear their argument I believe."

"What-"

"Do not ask. I have no idea what bothers them but Glorfindel seemed most unhappy." Aragorn sounds as if he is completely fed up with the lot of us.

"How is Legolas?" At the sound of my name I strain my ears to hear what it is they may say about me.

"Sleeping." Aragorn says with a sigh.

"I am worried about him."

Then where did you go for so long? I think to myself but I know it is true, Elrohir is worried.

"You are not the only one ..." Aragorn takes a deep breath,

"What do you intend to do, Brother?" He is looking into the distance, not looking at Elrohir at all when he asks this. As if it is a simple, casual question he asks.

"If he goes I go with him." Elrohir does not hesitate and I hear the sharp indrawn breath from my friend. There is silence after that, but I watch as Elrohir gently places his arm around Aragorn's shoulders.

"I am sorry little brother, I must do this. I cannot let him go alone, I cannot stay here without him."

"It is not meant to be this way." Aragorn's voice is heavy with grief, it shakes with emotion. "It is not supposed to be you leaving me. How can I bear the loss of both of you?"

Elrohir does not answer him.

"What of Arwen?" He asks suddenly, "What do I tell her? You will leave without seeing her? It will be forever Elrohir."

"I know it is forever!" Elrohir's reply is harsh, he too is grieving but he quickly regains his composure.

"I will write to her before we go. You will take it? She will understand, I know. We have discussed this, She encouraged me to sail."

I am so surprised at that. He has talked to Arwen about sailing? I did not know, he has never mentioned it to me. It seems Aragorn had no idea either.

"You have discussed this? When? She mentioned nothing to me." He sounds hurt at that fact.

"After the attack, when Legolas was at his worst, screaming at the sight of you. When I could see no way for him to stay here. It was then we spoke, She knows I must be with him, she knows I love her."

"How I wish that had never happened," Aragorn says bitterly. "Do not think I don't know that attack by my own people is what has led us here."

Elrohir lets out a sigh,

"It is true. He still suffers. He has struggled long and hard to remain here for me...for you. I can not stand by and allow him to do that any longer. I have turned my eyes from his suffering for far too long because I didn't wish to see it. I will not do that a moment more. If this will make it easier for him, I will do it."

I want to go to him, to both of them and say, it has not been that bad, it is not their fault, I do not want them blaming themselves for the position I find myself in. I have long since stopped blaming others and especially not them. I do not wish for either of them to suffer a moments grief on my behalf. I am about to rise, to go and speak with them when Elrohir bends and places a kiss on Aragorn's brow.

"Remember me Brother," he whispers, "Know you will be in my thoughts always." and with that he moves away, towards me and my courage deserts me. Instead I lie still as relaxed as I can feigning sleep.

and Aragorn stands alone.

Elrohir lies down beside me but he is no fool and he knows me too well, he notices, as hard as I try to pretend, that I am not asleep.

"You are awake!" he whispers in my ear.

"Yes." What is the point of lying now?

"What did you hear?" His voice is full of tension and I can tell his mind flits back through his conversation with Aragorn.

"I heard your pain." I tell him, for that is all I heard as they spoke, how terribly hard it is for him to leave despite his words earlier of his desire to see his parents. I do not doubt he wants to but there are so many ties binding him to this land and at the moment they are stronger.

He is angry. I feel it surge through him but it does not frighten me. Elrohir is all churning emotion and I am well familiar with that, I love him for it, so intensely he feels. I recognise this anger far more than the calm consideration I have seen earlier.

"That was a private conversation. You had no right to listen!" He hisses, voice low so Aragorn cannot hear.

I roll over to face him.

"You can not have it both ways Elrohir." He frowns, he does not know what I mean and so I elaborate.

"You cannot ask me to share the depths of myself with you and then hide away yourself. That is unfair and it will not work."

He is silent for a moment but still angry.

"It was between Estel and myself, only he needed to know."

I turn away again, my back to him.

"How can I make a decision if I do not know what drives you?"

"You make a decision for yourself. You do not need to consider me. I will decide what I do." He replies tersely.

"Elrohir, I consider you always, in everything I do. I may not always do what you want but always I think of you. I can not decide what is best for me without thinking about you."

I get no reply and I wait...for him to rise up and storm off, that is what I am expecting. Then he will think and calm down and return to me more rational since we are in public and he cannot spill his anger and grief upon me now.

But he does not go.

He lies there in silence for a long while. I can hear his breathing as he struggles to regain his calm and then without a word he turns to me and I feel his arm go round me, the heat of him at my back, the thud of his heart against me and his face nuzzled in my hair, I know then that I am loved, in his arms the weight of my grief, my guilt subsides. He is my best defence against it all. He keeps me safe. I love him and I cannot hurt him. I have hurt him enough.

And with him beside me, in the safety of his embrace I sleep.

When I awake it is early, barely dawn and Elrohir still sleeps beside me. I extract myself gently making sure not to disturb him. I see Elladan and Glorfindel have returned and I wonder if they have resolved their differences. Elladan sits across the fire from me and he is a picture of dejection. My heart thumps with anxiety. I need to speak to him about the sea. I would go now but thoughts of Elrohir hold me back. If he wakes and sees us speaking...it will upset him, it will not be good. I must explain to him first his brother needs my help before I approach Elladan. For all Elrohir's words of forgiveness yesterday I know he is hurting more than he will show me.

Elladan looks up and smiles at me sadly, I wonder what it is that bears down upon him, my sea? Glorfindel? His brothers promise to follow me? It is most likely all of them. I stand and make my over to him but keep my distance. I do not sit beside him, I ensure there is space between us. Should Elrohir wake he must see nothing that causes him to doubt.

"I think I will go for a walk," I tell him, "to the trees. I have need of the space to think."

He is alarmed,

"Legolas, do not think of running from us!"

"I don't." I promise and truly nothing is further from my mind. "I just need some solitude. I will not go far, I promise to return. I will hear them if they call. Can you let them know I do not think of leaving without them? Tell them I swear to it."

"How are you Legolas?" He asks as I turn away and I pause to think on it.

"Better." And I am not lying, I actually think I am. I feel much more myself, more in control today. "Elrohir has forgiven me." I tell him, and I still cannot believe that is true.

The smile he gives me is full of sorrow,

"Ah that is good." he says and his smile never reaches his eyes.

I head for the trees, they are my sanctuary . I climb as high as I can and then perch myself in the branches. This feels so good, it is where I belong and I feel safe, secure and comforted here.

Then I sit and think and I have much to think on. What should I do next?

Yesterday I was so determined my only option was to sail. Do I still feel that way now?

I still miss my father, I always will I think until we are reunited but my talk with Glorfindel has eased things, centred me in what my father would wish me to do. Running to him will

not solve all my problems for me as much as I wish it would. He is still with me and as long as I keep him in my heart he always will be. I think of Glorfindel, how many years...more than I can comprehend, has he been separated from his family? How does he do it?

Everything seems lighter now that Elrohir knows my transgression and still loves me. It has changed it all. I think on Aragorn for some time. I ponder what I can do to change things with him. There must be a way we can return to what we used to be. I remember the feeling of companionship I had last night when it was just the three of us, Aragorn, Gimli and I. That is what we need. Time together without his people or my people, his brothers, my lover.

Just us. It is impossible to achieve though, he has so many duties.

I know one thing. Elrohir cannot sail. For all his words he is nowhere near ready and it will damage him. I remember the grief I heard in his voice last night. I know he believes he can do this, he believes he should do this, but sometimes believing it just isn't enough. Arwen may support him but that doesn't make it right. But I cannot go without him, not now, not now I know he still loves me despite everything.

I have been unhappy for a long time. It cannot be as easy as this to mend. If I stay what happens when the sea gets louder, my nightmares return and Elrohir is far away or I cannot make things right with Aragorn? Simply wishing it is not enough to fix it. Elrohir thinks if he knows these things he can help me but I am not convinced of that.

I feel torn in two.

I wish there was an easy answer but there is none.

I think on this for a long time, winding in and out of possibilities in my mind. It is like a puzzle I cannot solve, the solution slipping from my grasp everytime I get near it. Finally I am startled from my musings by the sound of my name called in panic.

"Legolas!"

When I look around I am surprised to see the sun well up in the sky. I have been here hours. How long have they been calling my name? I have completely lost track of time, this happens to me in the trees, I know this and I should have been more careful. I promised Elladan I would come when they call and I have failed to do that.

Can I do nothing right?

I have not arrived at a solution for my dilemma but I am out of time.

When I descend from here they will expect me to know what I want and I cannot ask them to wait here aimlessly in the middle of nowhere while I decide if I want to leave them. How cruel is that?

I must make a decision.

Do I stay?

Or do I leave them all behind?