Chapter 10: Banter and sorrow

During our first weekend at barracks we were introduced to the Welfare Centre - a recreational area with pool tables, computer games, DVD's and ping pong table. During the little spare time we had, this was where we could go to wind down, hang out with our own troop and other recruits, including the boys.

Even if most of us were very focused on our training, there was clearly flirty banter going on between male and female recruits once we were allowed to relax for a bit. I took part in the banter for fun but was not interested in any of the lads for real and I think they pretty quickly realised that despite my blonde hair I did not live up to the stereotype of an easily accessible blonde. Passing through Phase 1 was far too important to me to let myself be distracted by boys. Soon they seemed to accept me as a fellow soldier, friend and equal, especially when it became known I was a mean shooter, and that was just the way I wanted it. In the past, boys had only ever wanted one thing from me and I had given it in a vain attempt to get confirmation I was worth anything, but it had only left me feeling hollow. It was a great change to be accepted for who I was rather than what I had between my thighs and keeping it that way made my self-confidence grow gradually.

Besides wanting to focus on the training, these guys my own age also seemed like immature, testosterone-filled studs and none of them exerted any real appeal on me, so it did not feel like a sacrifice not to date anyone. There was only one man here in Pirbright who sometimes occupied my thoughts and I did my best to shut him out of my head because he was the last one I needed there, except in the capacity of my commander. Yet, it was difficult not to reminisce our nightly conversation in the corridor, the way he nearly touched my face and expressed his concerns for me. He had done nothing of the sort again, totally snapped back into his harsh Captain mode. I knew it had only been a passing concern for one of his soldiers, but I could not forget the look in his eyes in that moment.

One evening after block inspection was done, I hung out with Katie, Jackie and Gita on a soggy sofa in the Welfare Centre. The conversation theme of the evening was boys, an interesting topic to discuss as we all were singles but had different takes on it. Katie was the shy type, a sturdy girl with very straight, fair hair and kind but far from beautiful features; square-shaped face, snub nose and thin lips. That was until one knew her inside - once you did, you realised she was a star and forgot she was not exactly photogenic. She had admitted that she never had a boyfriend for real and claimed she did not fancy any of the boys around now either, whilst clarifying this did not mean she was gay.

"Are you sure you don't fancy any of the guys here? I got this vibe that you and Robson were eyeing each other up the other day in the mess", Jackie smirked, and Katie's face turned slightly red which was funny because she was always so composed otherwise.

I had not noticed anything in the mess, but now that Jackie mentioned it I thought that Katie and Daniel Robson might be a very good match both in temper and looks. He was a dark, tall, quite heavy yet nice-looking bloke, who seemed reliable and calm and usually kept in the background when the loudest ones pissed about. Almost everyone looked tiny next to him, but he did not seem to have the need to assert himself.

"We weren't eyeing each other up!" Katie protested.

"Okay, then only he was."

"Did he really?"

"I thought you didn't care?"

If possible, Katie had turned even more red.

"I didn't say I do, I just wondered…"

"Katie, there's no harm admitting you might think someone is a little bit cute. It doesn't come with any strings attached, we won't judge you for it and I won't tease you either if you don't like it. And honestly, I do think he was looking at you for quite some time."

"No one ever likes me."

"There's a first for everything."

Jackie smiled, then gave Katie some slack and turned to Gita. Gita's appearance was quite the opposite of Katie's. She was thin in the way almost only Asian girls can be without looking anorectic, because they have a different, delicate bone structure. Her skin tone was like she had a constant glowing tan and she had shiny black hair which fell heavy all the way down to her waist when she let it out in the evenings. Her brown eyes were huge and all in all she was one of the most beautiful people I have ever met.

"Gita, I know you're single, but aren't you promised to marry someone or something? I thought that was how it worked out among most Indians, that the parents arrange a marriage. Or is that just a myth?"

Gita looked amused and answered in her singing accent.

"That is true for many, but not for me because I'm doing it my way. My parents don't like it, but I give them no choice. We moved to UK when I was in my teens and I realised there were other choices here than there would have been home in India. I'm not marrying an Indian guy of their choice, maybe I won't get married at all – and I didn't really have their blessing to join the Army, but I did and they love me anyway."

I admired that she was so strong.

"Does that mean you don't fancy any of the lads here either?" Jackie inquired.

Gita giggled.

"I didn't say that, surprisingly I do."

"Who?" Now I was curious. I was quite sure Gita would be able to get anyone she pointed at here.

"It disturbs me a bit, but I like Pawar."

Yogesh Pawar was the only male recruit of Indian origin.

"Pawar! Why does it disturb you?"

"Because my mum and dad would really like him!" Gita laughed. "I never date guys they like, so I have to stay away from him."

We all laughed about her predicament.

"And you Jackie?" Gita apparently thought Jackie had asked enough questions and deserved some in return.

"Oh, there are a few of the guys who are all right, but I have a crush on someone I shouldn't."

"Who?" we all demanded to know.

Now she blushed in cutest way.

"If I tell, please don't tease me about it because it's bad enough as it is."

We all pinkie promised, she took a deep breath and whispered.

"I have a crush on Geddings."

"What? On Corporal Geddings?!"

"Is there another? I know it's crazy, but I just can't help it."

It was not that strange really. He was only a few years older than us even if his field experience made him seem older and definitely more mature than our fellow male squaddies. With his dark hair, brown eyes and fit physique he was absolutely a hunk and more and more often he let his sense of humour shine through from behind the officer façade. Now when Jackie admitted she had feelings for him, I could very well imagine them together as a couple even if it had not crossed my mind before.

"Are you going to do anything about it?"

"No!" She looked horrified. "I would never dare, and you know it couldn't happen, at least not as long as he's our trainer. Even if he wanted to, Captain James would probably flog him if he found out."

We all giggled because we knew that was true.

"Honestly, I don't think I'd stand a chance after passing out either, so it's all just stupid but I really, really like him."

"Do you think he has a girlfriend?" Gita asked.

"I have no clue. I mean, no one wears any rings around here, so you don't even know if they're married."

"I think he's single", Katie said. "I heard him and James talk about what they were doing over the weekend. James asked if Geddings had any girl to meet up and he said no, he was just to hang out with friends."

I silently wondered what Captain James' plans had been but did not ask.

"Maybe you can try to flirt a bit with him towards the end Jackie, try the waters." Gita suggested.

"I really don't think I will", she claimed but it was easy to see that Katie's news that he seemed to be single had made her happy.

Jackie was a really smart, kind, funny and pretty girl. Not pretty in the way that one saw it immediately, but when you kept looking at her face you would notice that her amazing blue eyes with well-shaped shaped eyebrows, the straight nose and plump lips were all in perfect harmony and then she fired off her killer smile and turned into a real beauty. Any guy in his right mind would be glad to call her his girlfriend, but of course it would be daunting to make a pass at a superior officer.

"How about you, Molly?" Katie asked. "Do you have any secret crush too?"

Even after what Jackie had said, I could not bear to confess who my thoughts sometimes strayed to. Not only was he higher up in rank and even more unapproachable, he was married and had a son too. They did not know that, but I did since the visit to his parents' house. He was the most distant and handsome man I had ever met and any feelings for him were simply so ridiculous that I could not even think of it without feeling embarrassed. Putting them into words was more than I could bear.

"Nope, not interested in anyone. Focusing at passing through."

"I think Chris Ingram is interested in you", Jackie smiled. Chris Ingram was a recruit I had beaten in ping-pong a week ago, and he had actually proposed that we should continue the evening a bit more privately behind barracks. A quick shag had not tempted me at all though and I smilingly told him to sod off. I had been very pleased to be back in my own bed instead that evening, not at all regretted turning down the offer.

"You don't miss sex?" Jackie asked. "I mean, you literally have not been in bed with anyone for more than four years."

Gita looked shocked and even Katie surprised.

"Thanks for flaunting my lack of sex life, Jackie. It's not like I chose it, it just happened. Sure, sometimes I long to be close to someone, but not just sex with a random guy I don't have feelings for. And I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship, my last did not end well."

I knew Jackie wondered if I meant Artan or the divorce that never really happened and I was not sure myself, but she was sensitive enough not to ask that at least. Katie and Gita did not know the full story yet even if I surely would share it with them some day.

"But you need to move on Molly, we clearly need to find you someone, at least a fling. I have my secret crush, Gita fancies Pawar and I'm sure Katie fancies Robson even if she won't admit it. You need a flirt too even if nothing serious comes out of it."

"I warn you, if you start messing with my love life, I'll start messing with yours and tell Geddings he has an admirer", I giggled.

Jackie threw a cushion at me.

"You wouldn't!"

"Don't try me."

I thought to myself that I actually did not care if she tried to meddle a bit, as long as it kept others from ever finding out my true feelings.

During our fourth week in training, it was time for an excursion called the Realities of War trip, which included a trip to the Army Medical Services Museum and getting a lecture from a retired Major about World War I, then ending with a visit to Brookwood cemetery, the largest military cemetery in the UK. We were a happy group starting off in the coach, almost feeling like we were going on a school trip, but by the time we got to Brookwood, we had all quieted in reverence of what was to come. Even if I knew before that it was a huge cemetery, it had not been possible to imagine what it was like in reality. 235 000 people rested here for eternity and it was a place of such immense sadness, but also of serene beauty. Perfect rows of white crosses stretched out in all directions over perfect lawns and it was difficult to grasp that each of them symbolised the lost life of a man or woman who had died for their country.

After a small remembrance service with a Padre, we were allowed to walk around freely for a while and I chose to stroll away from the others on my own, felt like thinking in silence. I did not know anyone who was buried here. I might have some distant relative who had died in any of the World Wars, but no one I knew of – yet I felt sad. Sad that all these people had died, most of them likely far too young and surely missed by someone. As I strolled down the paths, I reached some kind of mausoleum and sat down on the cold stone steps for a while. I don't know how long I had been sitting there when someone sat down beside me, and I turned around and to my surprise found that it was Captain James. He was not looking at me, his gaze was fixed in a far horizon beyond the graves and I had no clue why he had sought my company.

"You're unusually quiet, Dawes. It's not like you", he said.

"How can I be anything else, in the presence of all this?" I nodded towards the rows of crosses.

"Did you know anyone who lies here?"

"No, but it's all so sad anyway that it makes me want to cry."

"Me too", he surprisingly admitted.

"Did you know anyone who is buried here?"

"Yes."

I was not sure if I should ask more or if that would be nosy, but in the end I did.

"Someone you knew well? A good friend?"

"Guys I served with, but some of them I considered as friends too."

He seemed to hesitate briefly, then said;

"Come."

He got to his feet and apparently expected me to join him. He knew his way here and even if I had no idea how he could know where to go among all these crosses, he soon found his way to one specific grave and stopped.

Geraint Smith the inscription on the cross said.

"Who was he?"

"He was a private in the section I commanded during my third tour in Afghan. The Taliban shot him in the neck when we were out patrolling, and he was killed instantly. I didn't see it coming. You know, we try to stay focused and alert out there the whole time but sometimes that isn't enough, and they get one of us. I don't want you to get deterred by this trip, but it's only fair that you all realise what you get yourself into. There are risks with being a soldier. On a good day it is far from glamorous, on a bad day it can cost your or your mate's life. Do you get that, Dawes?"

"I do. I think I did before but even more after today."

"And how do you feel about it?"

"Terrified I guess… but I still want to continue."

"Fair enough, don't say I didn't warn you." He gave me a bleak smile.

"Are you supposed to do that, Sir?"

"I don't know, but I only think we should have soldiers who have a clue what the job means."

We stood silent for a while.

"What happened to him? Geraint, after he was shot?"

"I had to crawl two hundred metres to get him back with us. I couldn't bear to leave him to the Taliban, so he lies here. It's not just an empty casket, he's really buried here for what it's worth. I doesn't make up for him dying, or his mum missing him, but it was all I could do."

In the corner of my eye I saw him raise his hand to his face and when I turned I realised he was wiping away tears that silently trailed down his cheeks. Then he looked into my eyes and for the first time I felt like he was dropping his guard and let me look inside him. I was not prepared for that and it rocked my world.

"I was supposed to get them all home safe. He was so young, and he was in my charge. I know it's part of the job, but I'll never really forgive myself for letting it happen. I've wished so many times they had shot me instead."

His voice broke but he resumed talking.

"When I returned home from that tour I felt like half a man, I suffered from PTSD for a while and got treatment for it. I'm all right now, but every time I come here I'm reminded there is just this hole in my heart and an even larger in his mum's."

The façade of this man, who usually seemed invincible, crackled in front of me and it broke my heart to see him like this. Even more so because I realised that he normally bottled all his feelings up so completely. I almost did not dare to speak because I was afraid he would realise he was exposing himself in front of one of his recruits, regret it and run off. I wanted to step into him and give him a big hug. Physically only a small step would have been needed, yet it felt impossible because I was sure he would immediately come to his senses and push me away. An officer cannot allow himself to be hugged by a private. But I had to do something, I could not just leave him be, with tears streaming down his face.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for him, for his family and for you, but you did everything you could", I whispered.

He kept looking at me with tearful eyes filled with emotions and then I could not stop myself. I reached out my hand to cup one side of his face and with the pad of my thumb wiped away his tears. Maybe he was too sad to care, maybe it was pure shock that made him freeze, but either way he did not flinch, did not back away. We just stood there with eyes locked, his cold cheek against my palm, until his tears stopped and I removed my hand.

He did not excuse himself for crying. I did not aplogise for touching him. Instead we just returned to the others in silence and did not mention it with another word.

A/N: So, a bit of developing friendship with the girls and a bit of getting to know CJ better. Hope you enjoyed!