The leather bound book in hands Derek was sitting on Addison's bed, staring at it. Should he open it and read what she was thinking or bug her till she is telling him herself.
November 5
A new booklet!
Sometimes I am not true how right some lyrics can be. Today in the morning I heard a song on the radio in the car and it was touching me. I do not understand why I had to stop the car but I had to.
I asked Callie to go out again but she said she would be busy, so I have to go on my own. I cannot stay at home, watch it. The lyrics were true, so true but I just cannot be the other ….
Derek closed the diary and held it in his hands. What did she mean? Usually she only started a new booklet if she ran out of one or something magnificent happened, a new part of life. But what was the reason this time? Derek thought that he would know her but lately she seem to be another woman.
~*~
Derek woke up, he always did if the twins made some sounds in the morning.
"Hey Lily my darling," he heard a so familiar voice talking to the baby. "How are you this morning? Oh … We have to change you … hungry? … God, how much I love those blue eyes of yours, I can lose myself in them. Shh …. Let's not wake your brother."
An hour later Derek went to the kitchen and saw Addison sitting at the desk, feeding Oliver while Lillian was already waiting in the playpen.
"Dada," Oliver mumbled, raised his hands as soon as he saw Derek.
"Good morning my son," the doctor said and kissed the boy on the forehead. Addison said nothing, didn't look at him.
Derek got himself some coffee and sat down on the table. "Will you shun me forever?"
"I am not avoiding you."
"You stay away from me."
"Derek please, it is still very early."
Derek took a sip from his mug and looked at Addison. He noticed the dark circles under her eyes, she hadn't washed her makeup off completely and it was already shortly before heading to work again. He wanted to ask her when she came home... If … But he didn't. He knew that it wouldn't help the actual situation. He told himself, while drinking his coffee, that things will become better, to give her some time.
Suddenly the silence was interrupted by the ringing of Addison's cell. "Who is calling me at this … time," she cursed while heading to the counter to pick it up. "Montgomery," she said harshly not knowing yet who was on the other side. "Bizzy, good morning, I just had my first cup of coffee … Yes, remember the time … yeah, quite some hours." She wasn't friendly talking to her mother, her whole body was tense, and he noticed it. Addison didn't walk around, she stayed like clued to the counter, not looking at Derek. Her robe was wrapped tightly around her body. Slowly it was really getting winter, getting colder and colder. "No, Bizzy … it isn't the right time … Bizzy … mother, no we don't … Bizzy …" The loud sigh was unmistakable. "Okay, I … We will pick you up." She nearly threw the cell over the counter. "Why does that always happen to me," she said to herself. Derek wanted to ask what the matter was but everything about Bizzy was kind of a problem to Addison.
Addison put her elbows on the counter, her face into her palms. He couldn't take it anymore and went towards her, knowing that she would push him away but to his surprise she didn't, when he put his palm on her back, slowly moving up and down.
"Bizzy will come over the weekend. She has some medical stuff to ask me which she didn't want to discuss on the phone. She will probably be here till Tuesday. No Hotel but here. Your mother phoned her and told her about the kids, now she wants to see them."
"It's okay Addie."
"No, it isn't. I don't want to see her."
"It was just a question of time."
"Probably right but today is already Friday and her plan will land Saturday 10am. She could have called earlier."
Derek nodded. This was on short notice. "We have to clean up a little so and do some grocery shopping," he tried to save the situation.
"We both know that it isn't about grocery shopping," she replied, stood up and pushed her hand of this way. Did she want him to reply something? Derek nodded.
"Rules," he asked while walking to get his mug and get some more coffee.
"She will suspect something nevertheless and you know that the fight is already reassigned."
She wants something from you, maybe it is different."
"Derek, remember the times she visited us, we always, and I mean always, ended having a huge argument."
She was right. It had been hard for him in the beginning because her bother rather ignored him, being not from such a rich family like the Forbes and Montgomery's were. It was always like, "oh poor you, your family hasn't had the money to let you study in Europe?" Sooner or later he started to ignore those statements, knowing, that Addison was hurt but never showed it. This was the time he noticed what a perfect actress she can be, if she wants.
"When will Margaret be here today?"
"Around eight I think, like every day," Derek replied.
With this answer Addison left to get ready for work. Half an hour later her hair was perfectly curled, makeup hid the dark circles under her eyes and the eye shadow made her eyes more green this day. She was wearing a emerald dress, high heels and was about to finish packing her bag when Margaret entered the house and Derek carried Lillian and Oliver downstairs, after dressing them.
~*~
There had been no sun within weeks on the Seattle sky and this morning wasn't any better. When Derek rolled out of his bed it was raining again. It seemed like it had been raining the last month. He longed for the New York winter sometimes and its snow.
While having breakfast and the attempt to read the newspaper Addison was cleaning the kitchen, was ready to dust the living room and the study. Lillian was sitting in his lap, jawing on a slice of dark bread. Oliver had started a fever during the night and now he was in his bed, asleep with some medication. Addison was nervous, not only because of the boy's sickness but the point that her mother could say that she wouldn't care enough for her kids.
They hadn't been talking a lot this morning. Gesture and mimic. For it being a Saturday everybody was ready on time to leave for the airport. Derek had decided to wear dark grey suit and a blue shirt, no tie. Addison eyeballed his look twice, not commenting. Herself she was wearing a simple pair of black pants, a tight fitting matching blouse and a blue scarf. Derek studied her and had to tell himself that even in a potato sack she would look amazing. This outfit was elegant but not too much; it was sportive but also making it possible to carry a baby around. And she decided to wear flat shoes. Flats.
The drive to the airport wasn't silent at all. Oliver cried more or less the whole time and Lilian started to join him. Why do babies tend to do so?
Twenty minutes later Bizzy walked towards them. They weren't holding hands, not standing near each other. Addison carried Lillian because Oliver was finally asleep. They greeted but not were coldly as common, Bizzy even hugged Addison, kissed Lillian and was friendly towards Derek. He already started to wonder.
Bizzy asked millions of questions about the kids, she wanted to know everything – at least it seemed like that.
During lunch Bizzy asked Addison out to go shopping and discuss thing, after some arguing Derek's wife agreed to go with her and they took the kids with them. Finally he had some time to order his thoughts. While they were gone, Derek went upstairs and lay down flat on Addison's bed to get a nap. The last days at work had been rough.
Meredith was insisting that their relationship wasn't over, that this was just a period of thinking over his marriage and feelings for Addison. She didn't stop calling, sending short messages, and emails. Sometimes he felt like packing a bag and moving to another city would solve all his problems but he couldn't run again, not this time, not with the commitment he made. It wasn't just him anymore; it was him and his family.
"Derek, wake up," were the words which were waking him up. But it wasn't Addison as he hoped but Bizzy sitting on the bed next to him, Lillian on the bed next to her, playing with a string of her grandmother's jacket.
"Slept well?"
"Yep, I needed it."
"I think Addie could use some too. She looks like she hasn't slept in days." How true, but he couldn't tell her that.
"Derek, I have the feeling like you two are not doing too well. What is the problem?" Derek only stared at her, trying to look like he wouldn't know what she was talking about.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Addison seems imbalanced, a little aggressive … I mean …. Do you have problems there," she said and pointed at the bed. "What the fuck," where the only three words which were shooting into Derek's brain. "No of course not," was his formal reply to his mother in law. "You know, we have had some issues when the kids were small, but there are …"
"Bizzy, please don't get this wrong but we do not need to have this conversation."
Dinner was calm and the Lillian was the joy of the evening. She babbled all the time, made her slow baby steps between Addison and Derek and giggled a lot. The baby girl fell asleep in Addison's lap, snuggling her face into her body.
Bizzy left early for bed. Derek looked after the kids a very last time this night before he went towards the master bedroom. He had put out some pajamas before. When he entered, the room was empty but the light from the bathroom was illumining a small part of the room. Derek changed and knocked on the bathroom door. When he entered he saw Addison sitting on the bathroom floor. He didn't know what to say in the beginning but sat down next to her.
"She already thinks that it's fake."
"Why do you believe so, Addie?"
"She asked some strange questions about our love life."
"I know."
Addison had to laugh, "No, she hadn't asked you something like that."
"Well, she had. You were too aggressive in her opinion and things like that." Derek said with a smile.
Both had to laugh.
"You want to give her a show," he suggested, meaning it as a joke.
"Maybe, maybe we should but I am not sure if I can."
"What is the problem Addison, what is it?"
"It has nothing to do with this," she pointed towards them both sitting on the floor, "here. It is personal."
Derek was sitting next to her, staring at the wall. They weren't talking, just sitting next to each other for a while. Sometime later Addison got up, brushed her teeth and left the bathroom. A few minutes later Derek joined her. She was already in bed, book in hands.
He changed into his pajamas, grabbed the novel and got under the cover next to her. She glanced at him. "What are you reading?" She grabbed his book. "Isn't that one of mine?"
"Derek …."
"Give it back please I want to know of if Countess Olenska stands a chance … "
"You cannot read books like this."
"They are girlish."
"They are world literature."
"But …"
"No buts Addison, I already read most of the others so this is only completing the work of Edith Wharton."
"You read the others?"
"Yes, of course. House of Mirth, Ethan Frome, The Touchstone … They all looked well read to me."
"Of course, I always loved Edith Wharton."
"I didn't know."
"Sometimes I think you do not know a lot of things about me."
"I guess so."
"So, which was your favorite?"
"I am not sure yet. I love 'Age of Innocence" but I am not ready yet, so far it was 'House of Mirth'."
What society did to Lily Bart?" Addison laughed a full belly laugh.
"Good that you didn't really do literature classes but med school."
"I took some literature classes during the first two years. I always loved the classics."
Derek grabbed the book again and moved a little further down. "Shut up Addison, I want to read," he said and both had to laugh, finally together again. Ten minutes later he quickly turned over and ripped Addison's novel out of her hands.
"Anthony let out a long shivering moan; his body twitched once, twice and then, fell limp in Xavier's arms. Xavier continues to feed, draining the body completely. He savored the warm delicious, thick fluid as it filled his mouth and flowed down his throat. He could not, would not give this sensation up for anything in the world. He tilted his head slightly, to widen his mouth and capture more of the blood that warmed him. It excited him; he could feel it spread throughout all of his limbs. His body tingled as though little electric shocks where bursting over his form. He had grown hard during the feeding as all vampires do, and he felt his passions rise to the crest," Derek read out.
She tried to grab the novel from him but he hid it well.
~*~
A screaming filled the room. Derek turned towards the alarm. It was shortly after 6 in the morning. Addison's body was also about to wake up. "Stay in bed, I will go," he said, turned around and in a reflex placed a kiss on her forehead before he grabbed the robe and went to the babies' bedroom.
Oliver's forehead was hot, his small cloths sweaty. He changed him and carried the sick baby with him into their bedroom. "Everything okay with him," she asked sitting up in bed.
"The fever is running high now." Derek sat down, the boy still pressed against his chest, and slowly moved under the covers, to get some more sleep. Addison helped with the covers and let her delicate fingers dance over Oliver's forehead, neck. The baby didn't move and was back to sleep but the fever was higher than the night before.
"I will get him some Ibuprofen." Derek woke Oliver up softly and Addison came back with some Ibuprofen juice. He didn't even protest, like usual, but swallowed the medication. Within seconds he was back to sleep.
Derek had the hopes up to spend the morning in bed with her alone, cuddle up a little if she would let him, feel her body, smell her unique scent. He hoped that he would wake up slowly, pressed against the perfect form of hers, that his hand would be around her waist. But the moment Oliver screamed he didn't think about looking around, thinking about the position he maybe was in.
Now he was on his back, the baby on his chest, asleep again and Addison on her side, facing him. He wondered what she was thinking. Of course he wanted to ask her but learning from the last days means to let her make the first step, not to push her into something she doesn't want.
"We should let him sleep in his bed," Addison said slowly.
"But he will wake up if we move him now."
"Let me." She replied softly, got up, walked towards Derek's side and slowly moved the sick child into her arms. Five minutes later she was back, the baby phone didn't make any sound. Back to sleep for a few hours?
Addison slipped between the sheets, didn't turn towards him but not away either.
~*~
November 7
Sometimes he illuminates my dreams, sometimes in my dreams he speaks my name. Do I dream again?
Looking after Oliver made me move my body away from his, losing the warmth. Moving against his erection which was pressed for over an hour now against my centre and made me turn mad, nearly touching myself because it was unbearable. It had been unbearable for weeks now. And when I loosened the grip of his hand, which embraced my breast, he said my name, eyes still closed, in this low raspy tone of his voice which brought me over the edge a million of times before.
Sometimes I really think it would be the best to hide from the daylight, curl up somewhere. Sometimes it would be the best to turn my face away from the garish light of day, hide and hope for the next night to be one of somebody curls around me.
He has a power over me, and it grows stronger yet. Even if he turns away, to glance behind, towards the past, I can feel my need to be near him. Sometimes I think, it is the easiest to wear the mask of marriage to blame the lack of private life on it. He is always there; he is like my personal ghost. Even at work, I cannot something; say something with him not knowing.
I tried, I tried to release some of the tension going out with Callie, tried my best to get rid of it. But I cannot. I would lie if I say there were no men interested, there were quite a few, but even dancing too close to them made me feel guilty.. I do not know why but I cannot do it again, not cheat again. I have it done too often, betrayed friends.
There is this need deep inside me not to give in knowing that there is still another woman in his life. I cannot be the second one to love. He moves towards me and on the other side he fucks this bitch on our sofa, in our house, near our kids. It is unbelievable. Maybe I should have closed the door louder; maybe I should not have been standing in the hall for five minutes hearing him moan and her saying his name in between. Maybe I should just have left for the bedroom or turn and head out again but I couldn't. I just couldn't. I was glued to the floor. It was torture. I have never been tortured like this in my life. Now I know how Derek must have felt when he walked in on Mark and me.
I know that I was a bitch at work, I just couldn't concentrate. I still cannot. Knowing that she is around him all day … He just crossed the invisible line. Being with her in his trailer was not feeling good either but I didn't have to see them, hear them. But can I blame him
I am just a woman with needs too and toys have been my friends for a year now and before I didn't feel lost like now because nobody was trying to kiss me, touch me, play games with me. Before it was all about frustration, make me forget a case, a fight or argument – it worked wonderfully but now? Now I reached the point of sexual frustrations, especially those five days before the menstrual circle. I turn into a vulnerable pudding. The interns are not able to make something correct during those and lately it had been really bad.
I tried to have sex, sex only. I don't need feelings involved. I thought about somebody pressing me against the wall of a club, rough and hot sex. I didn't need more. But I couldn't. Every guy I danced with was compared to Derek in my head. Wearing the black corsage in the club had been a mistake.. This night I went out alone. Callie was busy and I tried to make Derek think that there were more friends than just Callie, but he knew that there weren't any I'd go out with. Things have been differently in New York and Los Angeles but Seattle never brought the connection to society. It was always only the hospital. Everything was about Seattle Grace over here. But I learned in Los Angeles that there was more than work.
Los Angeles also taught me that pleasure has not always involve a man and a woman that there are other ways. It is not like I didn't know that before but usually using toys involved Derek and me together. Nowadays I let my fantasies play along. The bad thing is who is in my fantasies …
~*~
Derek woke up alone, Oliver gone three hours later. She let him sleep in. He woke up nestling Addison's pillow. He could get used to sleep in his bed. Her mattress was hard and soft the same time, her sheets weren't the common ones. In summer she loved silk, in winter she went with flannel ones but those were different. They were white with white stitching, white damask. He hadn't seen those before, they had to be new. Slowly he sat up, his back against the headboard, the pillow pressed against his chest. He looked over the room, the violet tulips on the sideboard and the white lilacs on the table next to the balcony door. There were baby pictured of the twins next to the lilacs and on the shelf on the opposite side was the picture which was taken in New York at their wedding. He didn't remember that there had been a picture taken but it was there. He walked towards it and looked at them. Each of them had a kid on the hip and they were holding hands, looking in each other's eyes.
Things have to change and soon.
He had to get her back; he had to get her back into his arms, willing to be hold, to be hugged, to be loved. Loved? Was it about being loved?
~*~
"No Bizzy, we already agreed to spend the holidays with Derek's family."
"It is always his family."
"Ever thought that this is maybe your fault too?" He heard Addison in the kitchen. He stopped in the living room his back against a bookshelf. It was her mother and he didn't want to interrupt an argument like this. "You always sent us away. We never spent Christmas with you. We have always been at grandma. You sent your presents via mail." He noticed that Addison's voice raced. "So do not even think about getting this argument with Derek. We decided to spend the holidays with his mother, we already booked flights."
"You could come over for a few days, it isn't that far."
Presenting the kids to your friends?"
"Addison."
"Mom, I know that you have a medical issue and I am sure that things will turn out perfectly well. It isn't as bad as you thought. It is just a uterus myoma. It is a rather easy operation; we will go through the details tomorrow. But don't push me into a weekend with you."
"Maybe it is my last Christmas it is not that simple but cancer."
"It isn't cancer Bizzy, it isn't. I went through all the ultra sound pictures, your blood works. Your iron is very low that's why you are tired and dizzy but this will change immediately after the surgery."
"Do not …."
"This is my last word Bizzy. I will not talk Derek into changing plans because I do not want to. You can come to visit us after New Year, we will be in Seattle than but we are spending the holidays with Derek's family."
"You cannot blame …"
He felt unwell hearing this argument knowing that it was all about his family. Derek was sure that Addison wasn't thrilled about the idea of spending time with his family, especially with his mother. Things with his father have always been very different, she knew that he had been cheating but he was a man, Connecticut forbear man of society doing things like this.
Derek closed the living room door harsh, so he would be heard in the kitchen. When he entered, he noticed that Addison was still in her robe, fluffy slippers on her feed, coffee in hand.
"Good morning honey," Addison said, came towards him and placed a kiss on his lips. He was surprised by her actions. They hadn't talked about it. They didn't agree on anything. Drinking the coffee in rather silence made the tension slowly smooth away.
"I am going to get dressed," Bizzy said and excused herself.
"What's going on," he nearly whispered into Addison's ear when her mother had left the room.
Addison leaned against the counter; Derek was in front of her. "Honestly I have no clue. Suddenly she wants to play family because she is afraid of a common surgery. I know mom never liked hospital a lot but this is just a myoma, they go in the family. It is nothing dangerous if she goes into surgery in time and she should do it within the next few weeks. She tells herself that it could also be cancer."
"Are you sure that it isn't cancer." Derek asked her, standing near her. He could feel her breath against his.
"No." Addison and her mother have never been very near, to make it a real point, mothers and daughters cannot be farther apart. But this was getting near her, somehow. Derek moved towards her, when he noticed her eyes going glassy. Addison didn't resist when he pulled her into his arms. After everything that happened with Archer. She wasn't sobbing but he felt some tears against the skin of her neck.
Even being in this situation it felt right to hold her. She let it happen. Slowly she moved her hands around his waist, her head against his shoulder. "I am sure that everything will turn out right."
"I hope so."
He held her, nothing more, just held her. No more. No feelings involved. "Can you hold me a little longer?" And so he did. They leaned against the counter, her chin on his shoulder, her nose brushing against his neck and he felt her warm breathing against his skin.
Suddenly a ringing cell was interrupting this situation of comfort. "I think it is yours," Addison said softly. "Ignore it." "Maybe it is the hospital." Slowly he unwrapped himself and headed for the phone. Of course it was the hospital, as always. "Are you sure Addie that you can this alone today?" "I have to. So now leave my dear husband."
~*~
Mr. Lopez got worse."
"Thanks for calling. Somebody booked an OR?"
"Yes, Dr. Grey already took care of it." Please not, was the only think that went through his mind. "Derek," she already said coming from behind.
"Yes," he said and already sounded nerved. She handed him the charts. "I already booked the OR and we have an hour left. I already started preparations."
She didn't leave him for the next hour, involved him into hospital talk, topics everybody could listen up to the very moment they started to get cleaned for the surgery.
"Derek, you cannot do this to me. We are still engaged."
"I am married Meredith you finally have to understand this."
"You said that we could stay engaged."
She tried to get near him but he dodged away. "I am married to Addison Meredith. I know what I said but this doesn't make my marriage undone. I am married Meredith." Her face got red, he noticed that.
"So it is all about freaking sex. She gives you all the kinky stuff I do not do. Doesn't she? I mean she has some training from all the guys she ripped the pants off."
"Shut up, Meredith."
"I know I was right. It is all about fucking." She threw a piece of soap through the room. "Addison does all the kinky stuff. She does the anal? Does she lesbian?"
"Meredith, stop it. You do not know what you are talking about."
"I know what I talk about. I love you. I gave you everything, everything I had and you asked for."
"I never asked for anything."
"You asked me to stay silent towards DCF."
"This was the first and only thing I ever asked you." He took a deep breath. "I am married now Meredith and you finally have to understand that we are over."
"You fucked me."
"You seduced me but I know that this is no excuse. It was a mistake that never will happen again."
"How does this not sound new to me?"
"It is. I am with Addison, Meredith."
"So she is that great in bed, she ..."
"It isn't about sleeping with somebody Meredith; it is far more than that."
"So our relationship was all about sex?"
"It was more in the beginning but I made a commitment, I decided to raise kids with Addison. I swore to be there in good and in bad times."
"That happened once before and this doesn't make you stop cheating on your wife. You cheated on her even when you came back to Seattle after your wedding day. We slept together afterwards."
"And I know that this was wrong too Meredith. It was wrong to make you believe that we have a chance. We do not. I am married. I have a wife."
Meredith laughed. "She doesn't let you touch her, that's the point. She doesn't let you touch her."
"Why do you think so?" Derek asked seriously.
"God, I am right. I have never thought she would do so."
"She doesn't. But this is none of you to know about my private life. I do not want you in this OR. Get out of here and I will do it without assistance."