BB says: Finally! An update! You're welcome!
Rating: M…yes, just what everyone was waiting for.
Disclaimer: You know…
"Oh tis love, tis love that makes the world go round!"
~Lewis Carroll
She had a grocery list.
Or it was the equivalence of one. It was all business, business of pleasure or whatever, business of victory, but still business. It needed to be done and she had created a mental checklist of all that was needed.
Sort of. She had gotten distracted numerous times so the list was somewhat crooky.
Was crooky a word? Or perhaps crooked? She should have just written it down.
They rode in silence, Rex at her side and Circe across, Allison with her smaller arms crossed a fourth. Noah wasn't there. He was at boot camp, joining the air force in a move that surprised everyone but Rex. He remembered Noah's tenacity and toughness when they had attended Providence's boot camp together. He remembered the blonde's almost natural skill. And so, when he thought about it, Noah's decided to join the military for a few years before school just made sense. At least this way he would be able to pay for college when he finally went.
Cheshire was still in her sunglasses, even a week after regaining a part of her sight, but at least these were a step up. She could see shape fully now, and the world was composed of greys and blacks and whites. Sort of like one of those black and white movies that Allison's grandparents liked. But her sight was improving, that was the point, and Dr. Holiday wagered she would have color sometime in the next week.
Adjusting to New Providence…or The Plant or whatever, had not nearly been as challenging as one might assume. Because Providence itself had never completely registered itself beyond a mere adventure, this turn of the times was considered a new chapter in the same book. Cheshire's ability to adapt reasserted itself tenfold. She accepted the decreased funds, the smaller living space, the danker accommodations. She no longer had her own bathroom but found the public showers the perfect chance to gain fans (or not so much) of her singing. The cafeteria was smaller but at least her dread enemy, macaroni day, was a thing of the past. Yes, as could be expected, Cheshire had adjusted rather nicely.
And yet she found herself unhappy. Or perhaps it was only a strange feeling of discontent, a little nagging at the back of her mind that refused her efforts to banish it. What, what, what? She was once again facing old nightmares, those that hadn't haunted her in months, years. She would startle awake at night for seemingly no reason, check her door to be sure it wasn't locked, and fail to go back into a full sleep. She would mutter to herself, a little song composed completely of her name, inflection placed on different parts.
(Cheshire, CHESHIRE, Cheshire, Cheshire).
She would reach for nothing in the dark of her room, fingers splayed and twitching against a sky she couldn't see. She would hear a voice that she had long forgotten, see a smile she had pushed to the back of her mind, shed sparse tears over pain she thought she had defeated. She seemed to be tearing at the seams, a little rip that Nhamo had forced her fingers into and pried apart.
But all this was done in the dark of night. In the privacy of her new room. Away from the eyes of those who had come to actually care for Cheshire. Not…
They would never lock Cheshire away, they would never hurt Cheshire or leave her alone with nothing. They would never take away Cheshire's precious freedom. But if they knew what she was, what she had done, who she had been, they would. Just like the others. They had shut her away for being her, they had made her hurt and scream and cry and they had said they loved her. Those who loved her always hurt her so if Cheshire became her again, she would get hurt again. That was only logic.
And yet she had been woken up with Nhamo's passing. It seemed like she had stirred from her spelled slumber in order to once again embrace the sun. The only thing in her way was Cheshire now; a stubborn shell too frightened to step away.
She shook her head, shook those thoughts away. They were not on her list. Or perhaps they were.
"Are you nervous?" Circe raised an eyebrow, eyes refocusing from where they had been staring into space. She gave Cheshire the same frown that she had been giving her all week –wary, incredulous, just a bit confused- and glanced at the napping Rex. "No, not really. Why would I be?" Cheshire shrugged. "I don't know. Don't you have history with them?" Circe's gaze darkened a bit. "That's none of your business."
"And that response doesn't make it go away."
"Look," Circe was scowling in earnest irritation now. "It's fine, okay? It's not like I betrayed their trust or killed one of them or anything. There was no falling out. I just…disappeared. They may not have even noticed." Cheshire cocked her head to the side. She had been there when Rex made the call. The voice on the other end had been so excited she could hear it shrieking into his ear. He had winced, but it was undercut by a smile.
They had noticed Circe's disappearance. And defiantly wanted her back. It had made Cheshire happy for the siren, a little spot of warmth in her chest that made her wish that she hadn't charred the bridge leading to the gothic young woman. It wasn't too late, certainly. It would just take more time than any other friendship she had forged. But Cheshire was patient. And she had a grocery list.
"They missed you."
"You don't know that."
"And they're eager to see you."
"You don't even know them." Cheshire smiled. "No. I do not." Circe's agitation was simply too much to bear; she scoffed and turned from the feline evo, ending the conversation. Allison, who had been watching in silence, giggled softly. Circe frowned. "Shut up Breach." Allison's laughter was cut short. "My name is Allison."
All was right with the world.
…Most was right with the world.
They arrived in Hong Kong after a relatively short flight that was strictly on the down low. They avoided most airports and open air, carefully dodging normal flight patterns in order to avoid detection by the constantly patrolling Providence agents. It seemed as though they had increased efforts to control the "evo plague" as they called it, Hong Kong becoming a pulsating center of many of their restrictive activities.
Rex and, because he wouldn't let go of her hand, Cheshire were the first off the jet. The rooftop upon which they had landed seemed to be empty, nothing but the dancing shadows tossed from neon signs to keep them company. They had at most thirty minutes before Providence was on them.
"Rex," Cheshire felt the need to whisper although the noise of traffic below was deafening. "Are you sure you gave them the right spot? Maybe they're lost?"
"Oh please. I know the Honk Kong like the back of my tentacle." Cheshire jumped and clung to Rex's hand tighter as one of the shadows moved. From it came three evos she had never seen before, and her nostrils flared at the smell of different nanites.
"You must be Cheshire," said one of the boys. There were two, and one girl. It was possible to tell from the way she held herself even if Cheshire couldn't see her very clearly. The boy who had spoken was wrapped in paper like a mummy, red eyes glowed at Cheshire in a friendly manner. As he stepped closer she noticed the thin nature of the "paper", noting that it was indeed sieves of his skin wrapped again and again, layer upon layer. She wondered if that made it possible for him to unwind if he caught a snag. "From what I hear, you are very strange." She smiled. "I am indeed. Both of what you just said, that is. And who are you?"
"How do you not know?" the other boy, perhaps the one who had spoken first, answered. "But of course, I guess it's unlike Rex to remember something so important." He was green, and possessed tentacles instead of hair. Cheshire could only see one of his glowing red eyes winking at her from behind his ha…tentacles and he had three large slimy fingers on each hand. Regardless, Cheshire could see he was rather nice looking with a strong build to his face and a body, while slumped over, was tall and limber.
"Ow. Memory joke. That was low, Sqwidd." But they all laughed, eager to ease the tension that drifted through the air lazily. Cheshire smiled, the only one who remained silent, basking in the glow of a deep friendship. Perhaps that was what it meant to be real. To be more than just paper mâchè hastily constructed to hide scars.
But the thought of being so vulnerable made her shutter a bit; she couldn't forget the rejection of the past.
"Alright guys," Rex chuckled. "Cheshire, this is Tuck, Cricket, and Sqwidd. Everybody, as you know, this is Cheshire." She smiled and nodded. "Nice to meet all of you." And then she stomped on Rex's foot. "But I'm tired of only meeting people at your convenience!"
"You met Cesar on your own!"
"Because you forgot to introduce us!" She stomped on the other foot, sending Rex to the ground. His friends from Hong Kong seemed to be amused.
"Easy to see who wears the pants in this relationship," Sqwidd drawled with a smirk. Cricket giggled. "Oh, I like her already!"
All fell quiet as footsteps were heard from the temporarily grounded jet behind them, the sound of feminine boots on unforgiving steel. Too heavy to be Allison, who had insisted on waiting in the aircraft, too light to be Six, who still sat at the controls.
Circe worried a full red lip as she alighted on the rooftop, fidgeting under the gaze of her (former?) friends. There was nothing that could be said, nothing to make this assimilation less awkward or forget past slights. Why couldn't this be easier? What was it about her life that made the simplest things so hard for her to commit to? The siren could not answer these questions but knew no one else could help her.
Cheshire sighed quietly through her nose, eyes running over the group of "wild" evos that were Rex's friends. They all seem in varied degrees of discomfort. Cricket's smile had gone stiff on her face, eyes shining but wary. Tuck wasn't frowning, but he wasn't smiling either. And Sqwydd…he was just quiet. It was difficult for Cheshire to read his dower expression, but through his buzzing nanites she could smell…discontent on him. Perhaps more than his friends. Perhaps for a different reason…
And that is why she made the decision she made.
Sqwydd was too startled to act when dragged forward by a force he couldn't see, too fast for Tuck or Cricket to grab him. His heels scraped on the ground as he was suddenly very close to Circe's wide eyes. Cheshire over shot it; the ink spitting evo had collided with the siren to land on the ground roughly.
"Cheshire!" Rex scolded. "What did you do that for?" Awkward apologies spilled from the pile of limbs that was Sqwydd and Circe, throats cleared and eyes averted as they tried to pull themselves up. However, every time they were on their feet again, a wave of unnatural power would strike them down again. A pile of disoriented evos, Cricket and Tuck and Rex joining the fray when they tried to help, was soon wriggling on the roof.
Cheshire giggled. And had Rex not been tucked somewhere between Cricket's neck and Sqwydd's armpit, he would have been glaring at her very strictly. At some point, one of the evos from within the pile began to awkwardly laugh. It didn't matter who. At the sound, Cheshire chortled harder, laughter being very contagious.
"Hey, what's goin'-" Allison's eyes were wide as he looked out at the pile of hysteric evos, stacked upon one another like a scene from American football. "Eh, never mind. I don't want to know…" Finally, after everyone was sweaty and gasping and reeking of each other, Cheshire let them up. Sqwydd hadn't been laughing, but there was a smile on his face as he helped Circe from the ground.
"Hey." The goth fought down her remaining giggles, upset as she recognized Cheshire's manipulation. "Hey." The young green man scratched the back of his head nervously. "So…what've you been up to?" Circe shrugged, avoiding his eyes. "Oh, you know. This and that."
"Cool."
"Yeah." Cheshire, pleased with herself, checked a nonexistent watch. "Well, we'd love to stay and chat. But we've got other stuff to do. It was nice meeting you guys." She smiled. Cricket nodded and shook Cheshire's hand. "You too. I only wish you had more time to spend with us." Cheshire nodded. "Next time for sure. I don't have nearly enough friends." Cricket grinned. "You never can! You should totally stop by on Friday. If everything goes as planned, Circe and I will totally be bringing back our mani-pedi-hair nights!" She looked at Circe as she spoke and the siren smiled shyly. "Yeah. I'd like that Cricket." The girl beamed. "Cool! Wait 'til you see the totally cool hair styles I've learned!"
Cheshire made a check in her head.
Rex frowned half-heartedly as they sat on the airship. Cheshire was beaming. "You look so proud of yourself," he sighed. She nodded happily. "Shouldn't I? It would have taken him forever to tell her he loves her otherwise." Rex's face seemed to short-circuit, eyes wide and mouth twitching as though to fight laughter. "What are you talking about? Sqwydd? And Circe? Okay, I'm pretty sure that's not going on."
"Wellll," Cheshire rolled her eyes to Allison, who rolled hers as well. "It was. And will again. Which I approve of." Rex shook his head. "No way. You're wrong about this one." Cheshire smiled. "We'll see."
"Yeah, we will."
"Now you just want the last word."
"If you know that then let me have it."
"Maybe I want it too."
"Too bad. I want it more."
"I'll play harder to get it."
"I'm older. I come out on top."
"You think you're older."
"Then I'm younger and I should still top."
"Hey!" Allison interrupted. "Is it about to get X rated back here? Get a room!" She had been hanging out with a certain perverted ape too much.
The zoo was just like Cheshire remembered as she darted through the shadows. It was pretty easy to avoid the messy nanites that ran rampant through the enclosure as the clusters somehow seemed slower than before. It was safe to assume they were collared, she supposed. Her hand tightened on the tree in which she stood, hiss in her throat. It was so unfair to all those poor creatures…destructive and monstrous and yet still alive, right? It just didn't seem fair.
She leapt to the ground on silent bare feet, looking around with eyes that could still only register shapes. It was night, so the Zoo was dark, and she was able to move without her sunglasses. Good thing too. She was pretty sure she was starting to get little indents on the sides of her nose from them. Rex insisted she wasn't. But he said it with a sly look on his face. Jerk.
He didn't know she was here. He now trusted her enough to let her sleep alone, and that was his gravest mistake. She had taken the chance to leave as soon as it was presented to her, vanishing with only the barest hint of guilt to nag at her spine. It was fine, she told herself repeatedly, it was for the best. There was no need to drag the rest of The Plant into this mess, no need to burst in with guns blazing when what was really needed was a gentle hand. She could be in and out with Berry in half the time and half the effort this way.
The main door slid open with a dull "clunk" and she shrunk into the nearest shadow, trying not to think of the last time she had played ninja. She could still see faint scars when she showered.
"-so much smoother with you here."
"Thank you sir. That means a lot to me." The second voice was so decidedly Italian it made the hairs on the back of Cheshire's neck stand on end. She bit the inside of her lips, suddenly afraid they heard the startled little noise that had escaped unbidden.
Deloriano?
"When they said they were bringing in someone from the European base to help I have to say, I was wary. You guys don't have the best reputation around here, you know." Deloriano laughed a bit. "I am aware sir. But believe me when I say we are doing everything in our power to prove we are a valuable asset to both Providence and The Black Knight."
"I know son. I know." Deloriano no longer sounded like the shaking newbie Cheshire had once been friends with. His voice was hard, confident. Cold. She could still feel it ghosting over her face and her hands flew up to warm her chilled arms.
"But with you and that secret weapon of yours around, we'll find Evo X in no time." Cheshire jumped at the name. "Yes sir. It once belonged to the monster herself. Her scent is too far in its brain for it to forget, even collared." Cheshire poked her head from her hiding place, eyes wide as she hoped and prayed it wasn't…
Berry.
Her fur had been cut to cling close to her body, all three necks collared and her eyes glowing with the control running through her. Her ears were erect, assumedly listening to the gently moving creatures of the Zoo, and her tail hung as a limp rope between her legs. A saddle was on her back, a bit in her center mouth. Looking closely, Cheshire saw hair-like scars on the dog's backside, perhaps from a crop. Some marks were fresh. Cheshire bit her lip against her fury. They rode her?! Like some sort of labor animal?
The higher officer chuckled, snapping the incensed evo back to the conversation. "Let's hope so. Did you follow the scene caused a few weeks ago?"
"Yes sir. I knew Evo X personally and I can honestly say I am not surprised," Deloriano's voice was dark. "She was a monster. Heartless and cruel. We must find her and destroy her before she kills us all." Cheshire let a little hiss escape, quickly silencing herself when one of Berry's ears swiveled. "Good boy," there was a smiled in the superior's voice. "No wonder you climbed the ranks so fast, Lance Corporal."They laughed together and footsteps were heard leaving, the door closing.
Berry was alone. They hadn't even bothered removing her equipment. Forcing down her rage, Cheshire leapt to the ground, padding over to the dog quickly and silently.
"Berry, mon amour , what had they done to you?" she whispered thickly, ears flattened in distress. The green evo didn't seem to recognize Cheshire, her glowing eyes dull and her body still. Like she was nothing more than a dumb animal.
It broke Cheshire's heart.
"It's okay," she hummed, throat thick. "I'm going to get you out of here. I'm going to take you far away where they can't hurt you anymore." She yanked at the center collar, worming her fingers between the unforgiving metal and tender evo flesh. She could feel that it had dug into Berry, leaving her skin raw and heated with infection. It must have hurt like Hell to have Cheshire pulling on it like that but the evo didn't move. "He did this on purpose," she hissed wrathfully. "Hurt you on purpose. When I find him, I'm going to-" It was like being struck by a ball of flame, one that lifted her off her feet and sent her crashing to the ground.
"You'll do what, Demonessa?" She was hit again before she could get back to her feet, the smell of singed hair heavy in the air. She could barely find the breath to gasp in pain and shock, dress smoldering on her burning back as she struggled to her hands and knees. "I knew you'd return," she heard Deloriano continue over her shoulder, finally feeling his muggy nanites and hostility in the air. It had been masked by the chaotic sensations that came from sensing wild evos, his existence shielded from her until he made his move.
"And I knew it would come to me to face you." He fired again but she was able to block most of the blow. Most of it. Her fingers stung, a bit of the laser breaking through to burn her hand and arm. That was strange to her. "Do you like it?" Deloriano noted her confusion. "It is a weapon Black Knight created especially to stop you. Is not perfect, but it is difficult for you to stop, yes?" Deloriano fired again and this time the brunt of the attack hit Cheshire. She cried out as her mending skin was once again torn open. She blindly lifted items to throw in retaliation but, distracted by pain and at half strength, could barely lift her own body.
She froze as the barrel of a large gun pressed against her skull, a growl in her throat. "They believe you can be of use, before you die," Deloriano whispered, almost intimately. "That so much knowledge must lie within you. The secrets of your power. And that is the reason behind everything, no? Il potere ètutto (power is everything). And you have too much." Cheshire made to speak but the weapon caught her on the back of the skull, sending her to the ground and making the world spin.
"No, no, Bella, do not interrupt," Deloriano scolded. "This is something you cannot deny. You, the great queen of beasts, the greatest threat I have ever known. For it is not enough that you are strong and ruthless. You are also beautiful." Another blast caught her in the side and she was sent rolling as distance away. She heard his footsteps approaching, but movement was agony. It felt like every inch of her was burning. "And I shall do away with you. As I must." Cheshire grit her teeth and closed her eyes, a tear escaping. He was standing over her now; damn it, she would never be able to apologize. To anyone.
"Rex." It would feel good to die with his name on her lips, comforting. He wouldn't know what happened to her, no one would. They would think she just left them again. Hopefully the force of their angry would block the sadness. Because this time, she wouldn't be back.
A force snatched Deloriano to the side so hard a residual wind stirred the hair from Cheshire's burned face. Distantly, like through a sea of fog, she heard Deloriano struggling, his gun going off occasionally in defense. "Stop! Sifermerà questo(you will stop this)!" She heard him shout. Building growls drowned him out, mingling with gnashing teeth and the heavy smell of electricity. The collars had activated. "I AM YOUR MASTER!" He screamed in pain and Cheshire smelled blood.
"No," Cheshire whispered, rolling to her arms after a moment of effort. "You can't even master your own fear." Her skin twitched and shivered, trying to fix itself. "Berry! Arrêt (stop [French])!" The snarls immediately ceased. "Tu viens (come [French])!" The padding of large paws approached, and Cheshire lifted her hand to grasp one of Berry's necks. She used it as leverage to pull herself to her feet, once again focusing on ripping the collars from the dog's necks. Her fingers, now swollen and raw from burns, were clumsy.
Berry didn't struggle; the green evo whimpered at the pain but didn't resist Cheshire as she gingerly tried to separate the metal from skin. She worked in silence.
Once Cheshire's task was complete, she limped over to where Deloriano lay. His body was bloody, his face maimed in a way that would scar. Resentfully, she was happy it would. His arm was bent at an unnatural angle and his eyes were wide as he looked up at her, dazed. She reached forward slowly, noting how he stiffened and attempted to jerk away from her touch. She frowned, but lifted his radio from his side.
"Come to the Zoo. There's been an accident. Someone is hurt." She knew they heard her. She doubted there was a time when Providence ever had its radios off. After a moment, the little communicator roared to life in her hand. "What happened? What's your name, soldier?"
"The man injured is Lance Corporal Deloriano."
"That's not what I asked. Identify yourself." Cheshire didn't respond. They would come either way. "This is terrible, Deloriano," she hummed, brushing hair from his face. "Don't die before I can fix our friendship." His eyes burned. "Tornaall'inferno, ragazza demone(go back to Hell, demon girl)," he wheezed. His ruined mouth dribbled blood to his chin, and she wiped at it as she knelt to kiss his forehead. She disappeared, Berry in tow.
Rex was upset with Cheshire. He had been surprised when she had not appeared in her usual way, ready to wake him up from whatever wonderful dream he was having. She would jump into his bed, half-blind and all, and stir him to begrudging consciousness. Though he would complain and buck, trying to knock her off, he would relish in her presence, her warmth. The fact that she was here and alive and relatively happy. Because although he could sense something crawling around just beneath her smile, something that was slowly eating away at her, he knew better than to ask. Than to try and drag it out.
But today the young evo had awakened by himself. And he didn't know why.
Rolling over, he had noted it was only eight in the morning, much earlier than he would get up unless necessary or awoken by Cheshire. Growling to himself, he tried to go back to sleep.
Only to find himself incapable.
Rex had kicked off his covers in frustration, sliding out of bed and making a stomping trek to Cheshire's quarters. He assumed she was still asleep and blamed her completely for his fucked up sleep cycle. It was her fault his body was expecting to be made to get up so early! Why it couldn't go back to sleep! He spent the entire trip plotting his revenge, different ways to wake her up, each more spiteful than the last. Maybe jumping on her, like she had done so often to him? Flicking at her ears? Pulling at her tail? He smiled evilly, easing open the door.
And freezing. His smile fell quite abruptly, so hard he had thought he would hear it shatter on the floor.
One of Berry's heads had shot up at his entrance, ears pressed to her head and a low growl in her throat. However, recognizing the young man who dared to impede upon her mistress' slumber, the dog laid her head back down to watch the male evo warily. The bed Cheshire now had was smaller than her former at Providence, and Berry had three of her legs dangling over the edge as she curled about the smaller evo's feet.
Cheshire lay like a warrior queen amongst her tussled sheets, half naked and seeming not to care. It was a wonder she wasn't cold. Her dress was singed tatters on her body, char marks in her normally pristine white hair as it lay strewn across her body. There was dried blood on her face and arms but the gashes were long healed, the lines faint rust marks on her skin.
But, of course, the greatest evidence of the fact that she had been up to no good was the large canine evo sleeping in her room.
Rex wasn't sure what he was going to do with himself. His eye twitched. His teeth grit together and his nostril flared. His mouth opened and shut as though to shout, but not sure of what to say. As though sensing his mounting frustration and anger, Cheshire stirred. Berry was immediately upon her, licking the girl's face and waking her the rest of the way.
"Off! Off! Down, you crazy dog!" she giggled, either ignoring or ignorant of Rex. Her eyes were closed after all, but couldn't she sense-
"Rex?" She smiled just for him, her special way that made her face light up. That special smile that spoke of contentment and joy, of innocent intention. It almost made it hard to find the crazy girl at fault. And yet…
"What did you do?" His voice was cold, heavy. Cheshire's ears flickered at the sound but her smile remained as she cocked her head to the side. Berry looked at him curiously. Rex had to admit the large dog looked a bit worse for wear.
"What are you talking about?" Cheshire threw her legs over the side of her bed stretching. She had opened her eyes to slits, permissible in her dim room, and was now running her hands over her ruined dress with a frown on her face. It had once been a very pretty shade of cherry wood red. Now it was primarily muddy brown with hints of coal grey. Rex frowned hard.
"You know what I mean Cheshire. What is Berry doing here?" Cheshire turned to the massive beast like she was just noticing her for the first time. "Berry? I took her home."
Rex felt something snap.
"What do you mean you took her home?! You went to Providence by yourself, you broke into fucking Providence, the people who are out to kill you, BY YOURSELF?!" He came further into the room, ignoring Berry's mounting growls. "You could've been killed! If they had caught you…if they had any clue you had even been there…they would've have…if they had caught you!"
"I did get caught. And I'm fine so it's fine. Don't blow a fuse," irritated by his irritation, Cheshire said the worst possible thing. Rex lost color in his face a brief moment before turning red. Then purple. She wondered if he was breathing. "They…caught you?"
"Yes. But I'm not dead. Let it go. God." He looked like he was getting ready to explode, ready to say terrible, horrible things to her, all spurred on by the terrible temper of which she could still recall the flames. His eyes darkened from russet tinted brown to heavy mahogany. And he turned on his heel. And left.
Cheshire didn't think it could have hit her harder if he had screamed at her. Because before her very eyes his fury had twisted into something much more terrible. Disappointment.
He didn't speak to her at breakfast.
He didn't look at her during the morning meeting.
He didn't wait for her to board the ship together, investigating a possible omega nanite.
Whatever, she told herself, he would get over it. She held Berry tight that night, waiting for the stubborn boy to bend to her will. For though Cheshire was kind and understanding and crazy kooky in an amusing way she was also selfish. And stubborn. And spoiled. Quite used to getting what she wanted, a part of her that was only inflamed by an organization that seemed to be all too concerned with her mental state. Too concerned to tell her a firm "no" in recent days, too scared of what she would do.
Cheshire knew they were scared of her on some primal level. How could they forget Nhamo's destruction? The horror? The disaster? It sat on her soul like a heavy weight, and she knew they must have also felt at least part of the burden. They were not at fault. None of them. It had all been her. Nhamo was the darkest part of her spirit that gnawed at her psyche, that lurked in the dark shadows under her bed. Nhamo was the boogie creature she had always been told never existed but lo, she was not only real, but within Cheshire herself.
No one was to blame but Cheshire.
They were not afraid she would hurt them. They were afraid she would hurt herself. That she would disappear again and be impossible for them to find. The scars she had left behind in her absence were deep and hard to heal; the memory of pain was too strong to fight at times. They would do anything to prevent it from happening again. And so, when possible, they gave her what she wanted. Keeping her happy. Not stirring the deep resentment and hatred they now knew slept in the back of her skull.
She didn't like it. She felt naked and angry, too afraid to speak to anyone about her concerns. Even her psycho-analytic sessions offered no sanctuary. She went. She talked a lot but said very little. She left.
Cheshire knew they liked her. That's why they were doing it. And yet hated them for it.
So she allowed herself to grow spoiled, allowed herself to become a bit brattier and more selfish than in the past. Because if they insisted on treating her like some fragile object the least they could do is sicken her with the fawning first.
He would forgive her. He owed her that much.
But he didn't.
Not the next day.
Or the next.
He wasn't there when she regained color in her vision.
Or when she had a terrible, awful time getting to sleep at night.
She wondered if it was over. If, after all they had been through together, it was going to fall apart because of a simple fight. A fight instigated by her. Could something that seemed so strong, so powerful, really be decimated by one bad kitty?
Selfish, stupid Cheshire! How could you do this? Stupid, silly, MONSTER.
She shook her head. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. She was tempted to go back to her tree. Berry's warmth was a comforting presence in her room but it did little to rid her of chill.
After three days Cheshire was a wreck. She told herself it was just her lack of sleep and it had nothing to do with Rex's resentful silence. She was not some little girl who would let heartbreak dictate her life. She was too powerful to break over this, too strong to bow. Why the Hell did Allison have to go and spend the week with her grandparents now, of all times?
Four days and she was pacing all night, all efforts of sleep ignored.
Five and she didn't leave her room. At all. Not even to eat. Maybe to bathe. She liked being clean.
It was that night, as she once again attempted sleep that would either elude her or provide restless dreams, she cracked. With little more than a whimper, she vanished from her room, Berry snoozing.
Rex's bed dipped minutely at the added weight and he slid over. His body lost the tension it had been carrying the past few days, recognizing Cheshire's appearance.
She materialized behind him, on top of the covers, her arms worming around him and pulling his back to press against her front.
"I'm sorry," she whispered into his shoulder blades. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please," her voice cracked "don't leave me alone." It was silent and still for a few seconds, an eternity. Rex heaved a silent sigh, hands rising to pry Cheshire's hands from where they were clinging to his chest desperately. He heard her stifle a little noise of alarm before he turned on the mattress, facing into the dark where he knew she lay. His arms pulled her closer, letting her settle against his chest.
"I don't see how," his voice was so calm it surprised him. "You can be so smart and so stupid at the same time." He took a shuttering breath. Thinking about it still upset him. "Why, Cee? I told you I would go with you. I told you to give yourself time to heal. I told you, I promised you, we would get her back. Together. Safer." Cheshire shook her head guiltily, hand clinging to his shirt. "She's my dog, my responsibility."
"It's not just this time, not just now. It's always. You don't think. Or maybe you just think you're unstoppable?" She snorted, interrupting him. "Okay Mr. Pot, just call me a kettle." He snarled. "It's different when I do it."
"How?" He didn't know. "It just is Cheshire. I don't worry about myself like I worry about, you know, you." He pulled her tighter speaking into her hair. "You're careless. And thoughtless. And every time I see you, it's like you have a new set of scars, a new hurt that you refuse to share. You won't let me help you, you won't let me protect you, you barely let anyone, including me, hold you."
"You're holding me right now." Rex gave a heart breaking sigh, an empty laugh riding the end.
"Sometimes…sometimes it's like you're afraid of me. You stiffen in my arms like you think…like you think I would hurt you. Like you're scared to let me near you." He closed his eyes. "And it's not just me. Sometimes I catch you looking at everyone like that. Like you're analyzing them and, since you can't read them right, you shy away. You distance yourself with jokes and sarcasm but I can see the fear, Cheshire. God, sometimes it's like I can smell it on you.
It's so frustrating sometimes. You've come far when I think about that crazy, feral girl I met years ago. The one who threatened White and couldn't bear closed doors and shirked away from people. But sometimes it's like…it's like you've stopped. Or you're going backwards. And it…it scares me. I'm so fucking scared of what's going to happen to you if you won't let me help you." Rex was holding Cheshire too hard now, his fingers digging into her back and sides. She bit back a whimper and he checked himself, forcing his hands to relax.
Tell me, gatita," his voice was now little more than a whisper, ghosting across her ear. "Why can't this be your safe place? How can I show you that we care about you here? That we…that I…" he struggled for words. He had been doing so well it was like he had planned this meeting in advance. Cheshire wondered how long this had been bothering him, how long he had suffered in silence to come up with these concerns. But now he was using improv. He hadn't expected to put himself on the spot like this.
"You what, Rex?" He took a shallow breath, swallowing. "I…you know…I just…te amo. You crazy girl." Cheshire froze, chin jerking up like she could see his face in the darkness.
"What?" Rex shrugged with forced casualness although she could feel his heart pounding.
"I love you. And I can't lose you again." Cheshire had to force herself to breathe, body entering a temporary panic as she thought of the last people to tell her such a thing. The last…
People who loved her hurt her. How could he say such a thing right after teeling her she was safe? How could he promise sanctuary and condemn her in the same breath? Love? Love was BAD, love was TERROR, love was PAIN and FEAR and HATE and cold deep DARKNESS.
Rex was holding her too tight again. His breathing had become shallow in the wake of her silence. Her hand moved to his back, gently rubbing and scratching.
This was Rex. This young man who was so vulnerable at times it was laughable. This caring young man who wanted so much from the world, for the world. Who still held on to a place where no one died because of his actions and no one was lost forever. Who looked to the future with hope instead of the disdainful dread that Cheshire held deep in her soul. He was so…bright. It soothed her dark places. It made her warm. Such warmth was…nice. It made her want to believe that all the chill was just a long gone nightmare.
Her claws dug into his back as she whispered it herself. "You love me? You love me?"
"Yes." He spoke in relief, voice shaking a bit. She had scared him with her quiet. "Is that…is that bad?" Her voice froze in her throat, terrified and happy at the same time. "N-no. It's…it's…" she made a strangled noise. "I just…" her voice didn't want to continue. The sentence ended in a high pitched whine. She tried again, determined. "…je t'aime. Ich liebe dich. Te amo." She hid her face in his neck. "I love you, too."
She though he hadn't heard her. He didn't move, he didn't breathe. Maybe she hadn't been loud enough? Well that was too bad. It wasn't something she could just repeat! It would lose its meaning if she just said it all the damn time! What did he want from he-
Cheshire squeaked as his hands gripped her shoulders rough enough to bruise, dragging her up to meet his mouth. His lips were rough and desperate, hard and needy, as he sucked and nipped and licked her into submission.
"I…you…" he gasped into a kiss that was too passionate for words. Cheshire was getting dizzy. She didn't care. "You just…damn it, Cheshire." She silenced him with her lips once again, tongue skimming his soul patch and hands wandering on his back. He nibbled at the sensitive flesh of her upper lip and rolled them so that he was on his knees, hovering above her. Her arms wrapped around his neck to keep their mouths firmly together, keep him from moving away from her.
"Stay," she whispered as he kissed her chin, her cheek, her neck. "Stay." He bit down on her clavicle and she mewled. He hummed, tongue pressing to the same spot as though to soothe the heat in her body. She wasn't sure what to do with her hands so she let them roam sporadically across his chest and back, teasing at the edge of his shirt before slipping into it. His abdomen shivered at her touch and his grunted in approval, coming to kiss her fiercely once more.
She sighed and opened her mouth, receiving him when he began to gnaw almost aggressively at her bottom lip. They wrestled for dominance and as his hand wandered over her body, perhaps to cheat by tickle as he often did. But he surprised her.
A large, warm hand slipped under her shirt. And squeezed once of her breasts gently.
She gasped and his mouth pinned her firmly. He withdrew, noses still touching and his hand resting at the base of her breast. She could feel his hooded look in the dark, burning her, and knew hers probably wasn't much different. Her body felt hot, much too hot.
It wasn't that he had never groped her before. In their more heated moments alone, of course hands would wander. But this was different. She didn't know if it was him or her or the unannounced tension building in the moment but she felt more sensitive than she ever had before.
"Again," she mumbled "do that again." Like a magic word the spell was broken. He pressed his lips to hers, gentler this time, hands pushing her shirt up her body. Her skin prickled at the chill of the air but she lifted her arms, allowing him to leave her in nothing but an old, faded, bra. His teeth and tongue scraped against her chest, just over her heart, as one hand crawled between her back and the mattress to wrestle with the clasp of her bra. She arched her back, thinking to help, and he was finally able to unhook the accursed restriction. He ripped it from her body in vicious victory, sitting above her for a moment before speaking.
"I want to see you." She couldn't respond fast enough to keep him from reaching over the side of the bed and turning on a small lamp. She jerked, reflexively moving to shield herself from his eyes.
"Stop it, Cee," he whispered, a hand lying on her arms. "You can't hide forever." She bit her lip, nervous and awkward in her own body. After a moment, she let him pry her arms away. His eyes were too much for her and she averted her gaze. He gave a little laugh. "I don't know why you're so shy," he rhymed unintentionally and made her smile. "You're so beautiful it pisses me off." Her scoff turned into a gasp as he knelt down and press his lips to one stiff nipple. "N-no. Rex, what're you-" she moaned as he pulled it into his mouth, sucking and biting. Her hands gripped his shoulders as she bit her lip against the sighs and whimpers building in her throat. "It's not even fair," his whispers on her wet skin made her shake. "How the Hell am I supposed to resist you?"
His other hand cupped her neglected breast devotedly, pinching at the skin and worrying the bud. Cheshire thought, for a brief moment, that maybe she should write her name on her arm. She wasn't sure she would remember it after this.
"The things," his voice, rusty with heat, brushed into her chest. "I've wanted to do to you." So this whole time he had been waiting on her? Waiting for her to be ready? The thought made the heavy slam of her heart all the fiercer.
As Rex moved on, drawing circles on her stomach with his tongue, Cheshire yanked at the fabric of his shirt. "Off," she commanded. "Unfair. Off." He obeyed and she sat up, pressing her breasts, red and blue from bruises and hickeys, to his chest. He moaned at the contact and pulled her closer. She rested her legs on either side of his hips to connect them from waist to mouth. His body was just as hot as hers, nearly scalding to the touch. His arms were powerful and strong as he hugged her close, attacking her swollen mouth with a vengeance.
Cheshire migrated, biting at his neck and chest and pressing her tongue to his Adam's apple. Eyes cloudy, Rex leaned forward, gently forcing her back to the mattress. He pulled away, looking at her with hot worry as his fingers hooked into her faded pink underwear. She had come to him wearing her sleep shirt but not the matching pants.
Cheshire felt her face heat up, hoping Rex couldn't see her blush behind her dark skin and the faint light of the lamp. She didn't stop him as he tugged the fabric from her body.
She was surprised at her own calm being bare to him. It felt…easy. Natural. Right. She was worried she wasn't as manicured as most girls. She didn't wax or pluck and only shaved her legs and armpits. She didn't smell of fancy lotions and perfumes and she had scars that were either fresh or not quite faded yet. But she gained courage from the way his eyes roamed over her again and again, hungrier and hotter each time.
She blushed hard at her own words.
"Y-you know you can touch me, right?" Rex seemed to remember his modesty, blushing so hard she thought his nose would start to bleed. He kissed her again, gently, and his fingers brushed on the quivering skin of her stomach. After a few moments of gentle kisses and chaste touching, Cheshire acted. Strangely frustrated, she grabbed his hand, showing him rather than telling him what she had meant.
Although she had guided him to it, Cheshire gasped as calloused fingers touched her in her most intimate place. She showed him how hard and where to touch her. Where to pinch and flick and rub. Her patience was rewarded as he grew courageous, one finger slipping in as his thumb pressed to her tight bundle of nerves.
She gave a long, keening, cry, writhing beneath him and arching. He silenced her with his lips, swallowing her whimpers and gasps as he added another finger, gently pumping in and out of her and somehow finding a spot she hadn't known existed. One that made her see stars as he brushed it. It was beautiful and wonderful and horrible and terrible and oh, oh, it made her ache. Her body didn't seem to know what to do with itself, jerking and twisting and completely giving in to his ministrations. She gave a final gasp, a choked cry as her tensing muscles released, hitting her so hard the world tilted.
Cheshire clung to Rex, shaking and gasping, sweaty slick skin against his as his hand came up. Still wet from her, he looked at it curiously before sticking it in his mouth. "Rex," she moaned, although the sight made her burn once more. "Don't do that..."
"Why?" he asked huskily. She couldn't think of an answer, her brain still blanking as her high muddled across her body. Her fingers hooked into the waistline of his pants and he needed no further encouragement.
She stiffened with nerves as he lay above her, arousal bared to the world. She had never seen a naked boy…man before. He seemed to be all rippling muscle and sharp planes, hair damp from sweat and his body flushed with excitement. His eyes, his big beautiful eyes, were staring at her with so much…love it made her crazy. It made her heart twist and jerk, her body long to be close to his forever. It terrified her. Because if this was it, if she began to lean on him, it would be all the more painful if at any time he tore himself away from her.
Her eyes continued to roam, taking in the tawny brown skin and his slightly chapped, swollen lips. His thick brows furrowed to together as he waited patiently for her approval, two spots that were a darker brown than the rest of his chest were hard from brushing against her repeatedly.
"Cheshire," Rex growled, so aroused it was painful. "Are you sure…I mean, doesn't it hurt girls their first time?" She shivered as his rough fingers gripped under her knee, lifting her leg and exposing a sensitive part of her to the air. To him. "Fuck, Rex," she gasped, provocation making her swear. "You can't stop now." He moved closer, something much thicker than his fingers pressing against her opening. Her body reacted automatically, stomach muscles going slack in preparation and legs flexing her wider.
Rex touched the bridge of his nose to Cheshire's as he entered her completely in one fell swoop. She gasped, pain crackling through her legs and hips and shocking tears into her eyes. Feeling her tense Rex froze, breathing into her face. "I'm sorry," he whispered, kissing her cheeks. She shook her head, shaking a tear free as she bit her lip. "Uhhhn," she moaned. "…I just n-need a, hah, minute."
She took a deep breath. "Woo. That hurt a little more than I thought it would. You're so…ah…" She wriggled her hips, failing to notice how his breathing hitched at the motion as she flexed her legs and winced a bit. He was shaking above her, fighting to control himself, and felt himself slip a bit. His hips moved, unbidden, and though he stopped himself before slamming into her too hard, Cheshire gasped again. The shock of pain and pleasure made her arch her back, pulling him deeper, and he lost control.
"Ah! Nnnnnooo…ahhhh! Can't...!" Her tongue was numb as she was reduced to gasps and cries, the pain accented pleasure winding down into pure, mind wiping, ecstasy. She mewled and he growled in response, pulling back and slamming into her so hard it made her dizzy. He hit her on that incredible wonderful magical spot inside her and she cried out, dragging her claws down his back. He bit her neck and forced her legs higher as she plunged deeper.
"Rexxx…" she moaned. "AH! Harder! Nnnnnah! AH! Nnnnnh…you! Damn! AH!" One hand wrapped in her hair, the other brought a leg to rest on his shoulder. He nipped at her knee. Her eyes threatened to roll back into her head but she forced herself to focus, to meet his eyes as he powered into her. He seemed to be having a similar issue, but it was hotter to watch each other. Hotter to acknowledge that their partner was someone they sincerely, honestly, needed to be one with. And they both relished in this chance.
She was losing control, her mind failing to keep up with all the sensations flooding her body at light speed. She held his gaze until it became too much, muscles winding and clenching in a familiar way.
"Rex! Rex! REX!" He clamped his mouth over hers to stem her scream as she dragged him over the edge with her. They met at the impasse, her body clenching around him and her screams making it impossible to hold on any longer. Cheshire sighed and he shuddered, at rest inside her as her shaking hands slowly released their death grip on his back.
"Sorry," she mumbled hoarsely as she felt the gashes. He shook his head, pressing his lips to her temple.
"It's fine." She jerked and gave a low moan as he pulled out of her and rolled to the side, taking her with him. She lay on top of him, hot and tired and hair tying them together. He blew a bit out of his face and she brushed their lips together. She was purring so hard she was vibrating as she pressed her ear to his heart. He gently scratched the back of her head, his other hand lying on her hip.
"I wish we could go again," Cheshire hummed. "But I'm too tired. I haven't slept right in days." Rex smiled, functioning on bliss. "That's okay, gatita. Go to sleep." She was silent for a few minutes, long enough for their bodies to cool and for it to start to get cold. Balancing her on his chest, Rex reached to pull the blanket up and to turn off the lamp.
"Rex," she spoke just as he was about to drift off himself. "Hmmmm?" he hummed, eyes closed as hand played with her hair. "I'm not…I mean…I'm not…" he opened his eyes as he heard her struggling. "Not what?" Cheshire shook her head. "I want to tell you…" she took a shivering breath, warm air ghosting across Rex's chest. She was scaring him now.
"I didn't, um, hurt you, did I?" She jumped. "No! I mean, yes. But it was really, really, good. Amazing, actually." Rex smiled despite himself, male ego dancing. "Really? Awesome. I'm a natural." Cheshire gave a faint sigh. "I just wanted to let you know…" She took a breath, held it, and her next words were spoken in a rush. "My-name-is-not-Cheshire."
Rex froze, startled. "What do you mean?" She had pulled herself onto her arms above him. He could almost see her bright eyes glowing in the dark, her hair hanging like moss from a tree. "I just… I couldn't be myself anymore, so I became Cheshire. But that's not my name." Rex blinked up at her, confused. "Then what is your name?" She hesitated and Rex sighed. "Come on. I think I deserve to know the name of the girl I love." It was becoming easier for him to say that now. Love, love, love. It left a sweet residue on his tongue when he said it to her.
Something wet fell onto his face, shocking him back to Cheshire. "I," her voice was full of tears and he sat up, hands on either side of her body. Their nakedness pulled them closer, warmth shared between them intimate and beautiful.
"Cheshire," he whispered into the small space between them. "It's okay. I love you no matter what your name is." She snorted wetly. "You idiot. You stupid, wonderful, idiot." She rested her forehead on his chest. "I don't even know why the fuck I'm crying."
"Because you're amazed that I'm so handsome." She was silent for a moment breathing him in. Cherishing the bond she was about to destroy.
"My…my name is Nekane Warren. I c-changed when I was…I was…I was a kid. And my parents hated it and me and what I was a-and so…my…my father killed my mother and when he tried…when he pointed the gun at me I just…I just…I was so scared." She gave a humorless laugh that bordered on hysteria. "And so angry." Rex stiffened. She was afraid he was going to push her away, but couldn't stop. "And I left. There was nowhere for me anymore. Nekane was just…after Mommy and Daddy were dead…my father had killed me after all. It hurt…it hurts so bad I c-can't take it. Nekane hurts me. Their faces hurt me. S-so I made Cheshire to be all that…all that Nekane w-would not live to be. A girl with no history to hurt her."
More tears fell. "A-and I know I'm a monster. I'm a selfish murderer. She loved me so he killed her. He loved me so he tried to kill me. But I didn't love either of them enough to stay. Enough to just let him end it. Enough to stay their daughter and let him take me down too." Rex's silence was killing her. His hands had cemented on her hips, holding her in place. She wriggled in his grasp, trying to break away. "I know…I know you should hate me. Please do. Please let me go, I promise I'll be gone by morning. Please just…just let me go. I can't stay anymore, I can't be here, I can't be with you, I'll kill you too, I can't I can't I can't I can't-"
"Nekane." She froze at the sound of her name on his lips. "Nekane," he whispered into her ear, making her shake. "Nekane," he pressed his lips to hers gently, tenderly, thumbs wiping at her tears as he gave her a taste of her real name. "Rex," she gasped, struggling in his arms. "Just-"
"No," he comanded. "I told you, this is your safe place. I love you. Who you were and are, they are both amazing and I love them too much for you to suddenly decide that I don't. What I should do. That I should let you go when I'm defiantly not going to."
"Rex," she whimpered. "I'm a murderer. A monster. I tore my family apart!"
"Really? Cause from what I heard you were just another victim." Cheshire frowned slightly. Her? The victim? That didn't…isn't…wasn't possible! Monsters are not victims! She was a murderer!
"Rex-"
"Nekane, shut up." Rex's eyes burned her in the dark. "You are a victim! Your father tried to kill you!"
"But I-"
"TRIED TO KILL YOU!" Her mouth snapped shut as he shouted into her face, hands on her shoulders to give her a shake. "Stop it! Stop hating yourself for something you couldn't help!" He pressed her to his body again. "Stop it. Please, just stop. I want you to love you like I love you. I want you to see what I see when I look at you. It pisses me off when someone is trying to hurt you." He snarled. "Even if that someone is you."
They sat in silence, barely breathing as he held her so close she thought he was trying to give her love through osmosis. She suffered a sudden, violent, shake, her shell cracking before melting. The tears came so hot and so fast she didn't know what to do. Her weeping was loud and embarrassing, angry and hurt and relieved. The pain was still there. She knew it would also be there. But it was like a weight on her soul had suddenly lessened. Nekane was smiling through her tears, melding with Cheshire easily and becoming whole for the first time in years.
"Okay," she sobbed into his chest. "Okay."
"You promise, Nekane?" She nodded. "I promise. I'll try." I'll try so hard for you! Nekane Warren was so in love it was crazy. Nekane Warren had loved her parents, too, and ached for them. But that pain meant that she was real. Nekane pressed a kiss on the chest of this wonderful boy. She blinked into the light and recalled her mother's laughter and her father's smile. And her old house with the creaky attic and her begging for a dog and her bike with the pretty pink tassels. And her friends and schoolmates. That elderly lady next door who would watch her from time to time. Sharing wisdom she promised Nekane would understand when she was older.
"Never let anyone take you from you. No one can tell you where you're going, or where you've been." She smiled. Nekane smiled.
Rex breathed a sigh. "Good. Thank you." She sniffled and he lowered his head to rub their cheeks together. "Let's go to sleep."
"O-okay." They both lay down, adjusting until they both found a position they favored. Her head on his arm, his other hand keeping her close and his thumb gently brushing against her skin.
"Rex?"
"Yeah?"
"You can still call me Cheshire, if you want."
"…okay."
He held her tightly all night.