Chapter 10

It was dark outside, the sun was still above the horizon but the dark clouds of the storm had hidden it. The rain continued to fall, hammering against the boards they'd fixed over the windows. Pacey, Jen, Jack, Andie and Dawson were tense as they sat in the lounge. They were playing a game of cards but they were all really listening for the door although no one had yet admitted it. When Pacey had returned, dripping wet, he'd headed upstairs to the bathroom without a word to anyone. He'd emerged from the shower and spent some time lying on his bed before heading downstairs knowing he had to face her at some point. But she hadn't come back and it kept getting later and later. Adrenalin pumped around his body furiously making his heart pound painfully in his chest. He was surprised his heart was still working - he'd figured it was all but broken.

Dawson threw his cards down and glared at Pacey,

'What the hell did you say to her?' he asked.

'Nothing,' Pacey glared back. To Jen his eyes looked suspiciously red rimmed.

'Look it's getting late I need to know what's going on Pace. If Joey is upset or what, I think we need to make a decision about what to do…' Jen gave him a very pointed look.

'What do you want me to say? Telling you what happened won't cause her to walk through the door and nor will it help you find her,' Pacey growled ignoring the deep hole of worry and anxiety that was bubbling inside of him.

'Actually it might,' Jen stated feeling bolshy.

'Fine,' Pacey was on a thin edge and Jen knew it and that was why she pushed. 'I told her that things couldn't happen anymore ok? Of course Joey is Joey and she already knew it.' Jen watched the looks of confusion on everyone's faces and the dawning comprehension on Jacks. Jen realised she should have trusted Joey's funny feeling.

'But why?' Jen could tell how blatantly Pacey loved Joey. If Joey was unable to define the love then Jen could. Pacey was arse backward in love with the girl and it didn't take a genius to spot that Joey felt the same about him.

'It's complicated… you asked her… that question and she couldn't answer and well… if she cant answer that now… she'll never be able to…' he sunk back into his chair. Jen looked around the room - Andie and Dawson were looking from Pacey to Jen whilst trying to figure things through.

'You mean you and Joey?' Dawson said at last, a combination his brain couldn't sanction, couldn't even understand. 'You and Joey what?'

'Yeah me and Joey,' Pacey had nothing to loose at this point. Joey was already gone.

'Of all the stupid things Pacey,' Andie shook her head from side to side.

'She was just using you to let Dawson know she wasn't interested.'

'How could you be so deceitful?' Dawson's voice was low with anger, 'you know how I feel about her, you know what she means to me. You were my best friend.'

'She only kissed you that time because of Dawson… it wasn't about you, it's about Dawson,' Andie repeated again obstinately as a rush of tears filled her eyes.

'Aren't you going to say anything? Aren't you going to defend yourself?' Dawson's fists were clenched. 'You… you try and steal my soulmate and then what? Hurt her so much she doesn't even want to come home?'

'You guys don't get it,' Pacey attempted, the barrage of their comments coupled together with Joey's prolonged absence were becoming all too much for him to deal with.

'What's not to get?' Dawson glared. 'You… you storm in and decide to steal my Joey. She's mine Pacey and you… so tell me Pacey, what don't we get?' Dawson glared at Pacey, who glared back, furious and worried and confused all at the same time.

'Fine… you want to know so badly then I'll tell you. Joey and I didn't get together at that party when we kissed. You were with Eve when Joey and I got together, and whilst we're on the subject of you and Joey, some soulmate? I mean do you even understand what that term means?'

'Joey said she and Dawson were soulmates, she admitted that to me the day of our last exam,' Andie glared at Pacey expecting him to be wounded but he just grimaced,

'You always over complicate everything,' he growled in frustration. 'Yeah Dawson is one of her best friends and if that's your definition of soulmate then fine… but it doesn't mean you own her. Surely if you and Joey were destined to be together you would be together? And Andie… you'd slept with Mark when Jo and I got together… that was 2 years ago - what on earth thinks makes you think you've got any right whatsoever to be hurt by this?'

'Because I love you,' Andie's top lip trembled. Pacey ignored this,

'So there you go, whatever rights you two thought you had to us weren't exactly at the top of our minds when things started happening between us.'

'2 years?' Dawson asked faintly. 'You're saying that for 2 years you've been lying, deceiving us? That behind our backs…'

'No,' Pacey interrupted, 'that's not what I'm saying. For 2 years Joey and I have been best friends. For 2 years we've shared everything, helped, comforted, teased and made each other laugh. For 2 years we couldn't help but kiss, couldn't help but be together… but that was it. She's not my girlfriend. She's never been a girlfriend even though for 2 years there has been an us.'

'I thought… I thought that you wanted me back,' Andie tried to explain, 'I thought that there was no one else because you wanted me…'

'Andie,' Pacey beseeched, 'you cheated on me. You're a great girl but not the girl for me.'

'But Joey was? You thought you'd use her? You didn't want her as a girlfriend but she was alright for a fuck?' Dawson wanted to hit him and Pacey could sort of understand his anger.

'No… I did want her as a girlfriend, we just never discussed it. It kind of turns out that sometimes relationships are easier that way. Less complicated. It's easier to let the relationship be than to analyse it.'

'So why end it?' Jen asked knowing he'd answer.

'How long do I spend with the girl I love if she doesn't love me?' Pacey asked no one in particular. 'A lifetime or do I try and move on. It was ok when we just didn't discuss it. Love is funny, you can know it's there even if it's never mentioned, but then she told me that Jen asked her if she loved me and she couldn't answer. That… well… to have it put in front of me like that, to have to question all the moments we had together, the strength of feeling behind them… I just couldn't…' he trailed off and Dawson and Andie turned in accusation to Jen. Jen however looked at Pacey and smiled sympathetically.

'Go find her,' she mouthed and Pacey nodded before grabbing a torch and heading into the rain.

For a few minutes Pacey stood with the rain lashing his face thinking. It was cathartic in many ways to be outside, away from the riot he was sure was happening inside. It felt good to have it all in the open but he ached not being with her. Everything hurt. His eyes, his nose, his head, even each follicle of hair. He wanted her and he ached because she didn't want him in the same way. But she needed to be found. He looked at the sky and frowned before heading to the car and turning on the radio searching for a weather bulletin.

His frown deepened when he heard that the hurricane had been upgraded to a category 4 storm and was expected to touch land within the next hour or so. Cursing he shut off the radio trying to think what to do. Making up his mind he headed back inside, where the sounds of pandemonium reached his ears.

'Guys,' he shouted above the accusations flying thick and fast. He observed that Jen was sighing, Dawson was gesticulating, Jack seemed almost amused and Andie was crying. 'Guys,' he shouted again.

'Did you find her?' Jen noticed him first and the others silenced and turned.

'The hurricane is about to hit. It's upgraded to a category 4. The boards are up but you need to take the car and get downtown to the school and you need to go now. Right now.'

'What about you Pace?' Jack asked the question.

'I've gotta find find Joey. When I do we'll meet you there.'

'How are you going to find her?' Dawson actually managed to ask.

'I'm pretty sure I know where she'll be,' he explained and left without another word.

It took him about half an hour to reach the secluded stretch of beach and another ten to locate the boat shed in the poor light and extreme wind and rain. Wrenching open the door against the force of the wind he entered the dark shed, then switched on the torch and shone it around.

'Joey,' he called her name, the words coming out softly despite the noise of the storm. She didn't answer but he located her in the beam of his torch, sat on the floor, her bare arms wrapped around her bare legs, her soaking wet skirt plastered to her skin, and her tank top barely there it was so wet. 'I'm so glad I found you… you gotta come now Jo, the storm is here - this place will flood for sure. We need to get to the local high school - it's only ten minutes…but here… this is dangerous….'

'I don't want to,' she shook her head.

'This isn't about what you want, you gotta come,' Pacey reached for her hand but she snatched it away.

'You can't make me do anything,' she glared at him.

'Well excuse me for trying to save your life,' he glared back, his voice more of a growl as he slumped down beside her.

'What are you doing?' she looked at him horrified.

'Well if you're staying, so am I,' he switched out the torch so they were in darkness, the shed shaking around them and the steady drip of rain through leaky boards.

'I don't want you here,' she didn't want him anywhere near her.

'You can't make me do anything,' he returned her words.

'Just go,' she looked away from him.

'No,' he repeated and then realised she was crying even though the darkness hid her from him. Lightening flashed and he saw her for a moment, turned away from him, her knuckles over her eyes.

'Why don't you just go,' she repeated.

'This may sound weird but Jo, you don't just leave someone you love in a life and death situation. It just doesn't work like that,' he put a hand on her shoulder and guided her against him, somehow knowing she'd allow him.

'I'm sorry for not coming back,' she said at length. 'I just… couldn't.'

'Joey I said what I said because of last night. Jen asked you that question and you couldn't give her an answer. You've never broached it and I've never pushed. I know it's been simpler that way but then you told Jen about us…' he trailed off and looked down at her only able to sense her in the black. 'When you told her I began to think maybe we should talk about it… maybe it would be nice to not think but to not think in public as well as private. I'd like to hold your hand walking down the street… you know…' he stared into the darkness of the shed.

'You've never asked me the question… the one that Jen asked. The nearest we've ever came to a conversation about us was out in the ocean treading water…'

'Do you love me Joey?' he asked his heart hammering so fast he was sure he was bound to have a heart attack.

'I can't answer that question,' Joey repeated the answer she gave Jen.

'Why not?' Pacey was sure his heart was now broken, although he was surprised that there was also anger in his response.

'Because I can't tell you I love you and have you not love me back,' Joey pushed the tears biting her eyelids away.

'But I do love you,' Pacey wanted to laugh as elation washed over him. 'Why on earth would I be here, about to die, if I didn't love you?'

'That's not the same as being in love with me,' Joey buried her face in his chest.

'Jeez Joey - you really do hang out too much with Dawson. Of course I'm in love with you, I can't think straight around you, I want to talk to you, be with you, make love to you. I can't believe that's what you've been so worried about…'

'We just never said anything… I just… didn't know what was going to happen? I didn't know how long everything could go so well. I mean what if you did get a girlfriend? What would happen then? I didn't want you to. I just didn't see how things would work.' Joey let her tears go feeling far too emotional to be happy yet.

'The way I figured it was we'd go to college, travel the world, go wherever you wanted, get married, have as many children as we wanted and be happy - I guess I just thought it would happen the way everything had happened…' he pulled her even closer and then chuckled.

'It's not funny,' Joey protested.

'It is really… I mean how stupid are we? We have something so fantastic… something so good that we don't need to talk about it and then we almost lose it all because we don't talk about it. If you want me to I'll tell you a million times how much I love you and in how many different ways. I just always thought it was obvious.'

'Now it's obvious Pace,' Joey muttered but he could recognise the good humour seeping back into her voice.

'I mean it has been fun being discrete, just acting instinctively whenever we can but there'll be something nice about proper dates, and having everyone know.'

'I'm not looking forward to telling them,' Joey kissed the patch of bare skin between the buttons of his shirt and felt him tense.

'Um… well… you don't have to worry about that because I kind of did that,' he waited for her reaction but she just laughed,

'Oh god my poor baby - how did they take it? We're their tears, recriminations and a general over reaction?'

'That pretty much sums it up,' he sought her lips in the dark and kissed her.

'I guess to them we've been lying for 2 years?' she asked when they broke apart.

'Maybe… though it's not been that way… we just weren't facing the truth,' Pacey decided.

'I like that. That was exactly how it was,' she moved to kiss him again but the loudest clap of thunder shook the boat shed as the lightening seared across the sky.

'Oh crap.'

'Oh crap?' Joey was clinging to him unembarrassed to admit she was terrified.

'Um… well there is a good chance there is a category 4 hurricane right on top of us.'