Principles And Confessions

McGonagall had left him standing in front of the door to the headmaster's private rooms and that's where he had been standing for at least ten minutes now. During this time he had already three times raised his hand to knock and he had even walked away, turned around the next corner, stopped and walked back again. By now he was simply standing there next to the door, leaning against the wall, staring at the painting on the other side of the corridor and wishing he would simply have knocked right away without hesitating so long. He couldn't remember ever in his life having felt so nervous. And he was scared. Funny enough not for what would happen to him if Dumbledore wouldn't forgive him but for the reaction itself. He felt sick.

He whispered to himself. I'll count up to five now and then I'll knock on that bloody door.

He swallowed hard and stepped in front of the door. One... two... He started slowly while raising his hand. three four five. He finished in one breath and knocked two times, wishing the same second he hadn't done it.

Maybe he's not there. Or maybe he's sleeping already.

A moment later the door in front of him opened a little and Dumbledore peeked outside. He greeted him, sounding a little surprised.

Yes. I... I really need to speak to you.

At this time of night?

If you wouldn't mind, Sir?

Dumbledore frowned. Do come in, please.

Severus stepped inside and glanced around the room. He had never been here before. There was a large brown owl sitting on the desk in the corner, obviously waiting for its owner to finish writing a letter he had started before being disturbed by his late visitor.

I'll be with you in a minute. Dumbledore said, pointed at an armchair and went back to his desk to finish his letter.

Severus sat down as uncomfortable as he could manage and stared at the floor while waiting to get a chance to make his final confession. He didn't have to wait long. Dumbledore signed his letter, sent the owl off and sat down opposite from him.

I need to tell you something. Severus muttered.

Just go ahead. He replied calmly.

Now what sort of impression would it make if I just jumped up and left?

I haven't always been honest towards you. Severus said quickly before he would get a chance to change his mind and rather not tell him at all. I have my magical powers back since weeks already and I knew that McKagan was going to die quite a few days before he did. I didn't know when, I didn't know how. I don't know what I could have done. But that's no excuse, is it? Slowly he raised his head to look at him. He didn't look very angry. He simply nodded.

I'm very disappointed with you, my son. Dumbledore said in a low voice.

No, not that one. Don't call me 'my son' and don't tell me I disappointed you. Stand up and shout at me, I can handle that...

Is that all you're going to say to me now? Severus asked.

What else do you expect me to say? What do you want to hear? He really was disappointed. Severus could hear it in his voice. He sounded almost... sad.

I don't know. He whispered.

I knew you would tell me something like this sooner or later. Dumbledore said. You must have been fighting your conscience for quite a while now.

Severus looked at him out of narrowed eyes.

You took an oath. The headmaster continued. You simply couldn't have lied to me any longer, you had to give in to your promise.

So no points for me for telling you the truth because I didn't do it by conviction.

Unfortunately I couldn't rely on that alone.

Severus nodded slowly. So what are you going to do now? Until now this whole conversation was nothing like he had expected it to be.

Dumbledore rose from his chair and made a few steps across the room, turned around and walked back again. In the attack on McKagan, what did you do? He asked.

I stood and watched.

Voldemort doesn't send out a man to stand around and watch. What was your part?

To kill the Auror's daughter.

Kiera McKagan, ten years old, who managed to escape. Again no points for you, Severus. If she wouldn't have gotten away you might just as well have killed her, an innocent child.

Severus had never quite understood why the girl hadn't told anyone how she had escaped. He had often wondered if she might actually have realised that it would have been his death sentence if someone would have written it in the paper. And he had wondered why she would even have cared about that - he had still been one of those who had slaughtered her whole family.

I never hurt a child in my life. He said in a low voice. And I never would.

Principles, Severus? I told you you had some, didn't I? Dumbledore asked.

Yes, Sir, you did.

So what do you think I should do now? Dumbledore was standing in front of him, looking down at him with his arms folded in front of his chest.

Send me back to Azkaban.

Yes. I should do that. Have I been naive to think this might end differently?

Severus didn't reply anything. He didn't really feel in a position to call that man naive, although it was probably true. He sat in silence for a few minutes, staring down at the wooden floorboards, at his shoes and back at the floor again.

I'm sorry. He said eventually. I really am.

Sorry for yourself.

No, Sir. I'm sorry for taking advantage of the fact that you actually cared for what happened to me.

Dumbledore sighed, staring out of the window into the darkness for a moment. Give me something I can work with. Names, information, anything that will prove to me that you mean what you're saying.

I wish there was anything I could tell you. I could give you names, names of Death Eaters holding high positions in the Ministry. Still you could never get hold of them. And not to forget, I would die for that.

I expected you were aware that you would have to take some risks.

Yes, risks. But that would be a senseless suicide and I'm not willing to go that far. Severus replied.

Give those names to me. Nobody else, just me. So I know who I'm dealing with. Dumbledore said in a low voice.

If you tell anyone, I'm dead.

Yes. You'll have to trust me there.

Do I have anything to lose? No, I don't. Colin Leigh, Nigel Reginald, Nim Starkey. All members of the Dark Lord's inner circle. Nim is a case of his own though, loyal to no one but himself.

What about Lucius Malfoy? Dumbledore inquired.

You don't expect me to betray my oldest friend, do you?

Dumbledore nodded. He had always suspected Malfoy and the way Severus had looked at him had been as good as simply telling him. You know I won't accept you to give me a bit of information or a name every now and then just to keep me quiet. It's either your full loyalty or nothing at all.

What would you do if you were me? Severus asked and looked up at him. Right now I'm lying to you and I'm lying to Voldemort. I don't know who I can trust and I don't know who trusts me. There's nothing but lies, betrayal and mistrust. Right now, I survive, but in the long term, I just don't know which way to go.

Dumbledore smiled at him. This must have been the first time you openly told me what's on your mind.

And what do you make of it?

All I can tell you is that here in this school there are people that care about you, trust you and that you can trust them too. And that you might actually have a future here. Do you trust Voldemort?

Severus smiled coldly and shook his head. Definitely not.

Are you afraid of him?

Yes, Sir, I am.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Is that a trick question?

Dumbledore smiled, snapped his fingers, two cups appeared on the small table and he sat down in his armchair again.

I understand you, Severus. I understand what you're doing and why you're doing it. He said eventually. You were born and brought up to be one of his, a powerful dark wizard. It was a fight you couldn't win so you stopped fighting and let others take your will away. But now you actually have a choice. I can't offer you fame, glory, power and money. I can't even offer you absolution for what you have done. The only thing I can give you is a chance to redeem your mistakes.

What makes you think I felt the need to?

I know the memories are haunting you. I know you regret.

How can you know that? How can you see right through me? Yes, I do regret some of the things I did, I don't regret others. And yes, the ghosts of my innocent victims are haunting me, every day and every night. I see them in my dreams and I see them every time I close my eyes. I couldn't pay for what I did in a lifetime, nothing I do will make them go away.

I didn't do anything to deserve the first chance you've offered to me. Severus said.

That's true. You didn't have to do anything, being the person you are was just enough.

Being the person I am? He had usually heard something like that as an insult only and he knew he deserved no different because he simply wasn't a nice person at all. He had never tried to be.

You used to be such a brilliant student... I always saw you somewhere else, as something more than just a mindless soldier.

And look where I am now.

It's only a small step, isn't it? Dumbledore asked while thoughtfully staring at the wall behind him. One move, one decision, that's all it takes.

To mess up your whole life. Severus muttered.

Dumbledore remained silent and waited. He wanted to hear some more from him but he knew very well that if he tried to push him, he wouldn't get far.

Just a stupid kid, making one little inconsiderate decision. It's not all it takes, but it's how it starts. Severus eventually continued in a low voice. Then things just move on, start evolving on their own, getting out of control. But you don't notice it, you just keep believing that all this was part of your plan, but even if you ever had one, by then you can't even remember it anymore. And while you still stand wondering, fascinated by seeing what incredible consequences a seemingly unimportant action can cause, you suddenly realise that it's over. That you had reached the point of no return ages ago already and that now there's no more turning back.

A point of no return doesn't exist. Dumbledore said.

Severus snorted. Believe me, it does - I've seen it and left it behind.

What sort of game would life be if one move could ruin it all?

Severus shrugged his shoulders. A game as cruel as amusing. Not necessarily for the players though, but definitely for those watching.

It might not always be easy to see and it might not always be simple to pursue, but there's always another road to walk. Dumbledore said softly.

Are you saying you're actually willing to give me another chance? Although I lied to you?

Your last chance.

There was a long pause before Severus spoke again. I'm not going to disappoint you again.


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AN: Thank you everyone for reading and especially to those who left me a review, thank you so much :)

Aku Maru: Thank you. I'm glad you like it this far. I have about a hundred theories about the night the Potters died but none of them really works out, probably because I'm not nearly as creative as JK Rowling is ;)

risi: Thank you. As you can see in this chapter you were quite right about Dumbledore already expecting a little confession.

shadowycat: Thank you. I'm glad you think that I manage to write Snape in a believable way and you're actually understanding my thoughts very well :) I thought it might be easier for him to talk to McGonagall first because she doesn't trust him as much as Dumbledore does. And yes, I read Macbeth again only two or three months ago, so I suppose it left some inspirational traces (as Shakespeare probably always does), cool you noticed ;)

n snape: Thank you. I'm glad you like it!

Antigone Q: Thank you. I hope I managed to meet your expectations with this chapter.