"You make me glow, but I cover up
Won't let it show, so I'm
Puttin' my defences up
'Cause I don't wanna fall in love
If I ever did that
I think I'd have a heart attack."
- Heart Attack, Demi Lovato
Two years or so ago and this wouldn't be happening to me. I never cared, wasn't affected, it was fine. I'm not even sure what love was back then, not outside of family anyway. There were plenty of guys around, nice guys, different guys, dangerous guys, a range but I never said yes to the right guy. Whenever I did say yes they were all wrong, a mistake. I never had trouble getting what I wanted, love was just something I never wanted. There was only him but naturally I wasn't quite good enough. Age difference, practically family, little sister's best friend… The list is endless.
But even then, back then was easier. I didn't care, I could play boys so easily, have my fun without taking it too far. But generally it all didn't phase me. I wasn't worried about what they saw, what they thought just so long as I was happy. But a few changes made it so much easier to snap their attention. So I could do it, no problems there. But none of them were ever right, I was never exactly one to want a relationship so bad.
But then I came home. Two years away in the D.R. Before he would just smile at me then ruffle my hair before calling me "kid" but he doesn't do that now. He smiles but he definitely doesn't call me kid. And is it self-centred to think he's staring at me sometimes?
"Earth to Let."
I snap out of it, eyes dart up to Dom. He's standing in front of me as I lean against my car. "Did you say something?"
"You try to give a girl a compliment and she ain't even listening."
"Sorry." I shake my head to clear it. "A compliment?"
He nods. "Yeah, I said you looked good. Real pretty, beautiful even."
I put my eyes to the floor again, not wanting him to see me blush. "Oh, thanks…" Seen as my eyes are downwards I scan over myself. I have made an effort this time. I figure Dom changing meant I had a chance. I never thought it would happen but he makes me want to make an effort. I'm sixteen after all, it's allowed to happen. And I'm not racing so it won't hurt. I really look like such a girl and I want to act like one, at least tonight, especially with the party. Fuck, I'd even painted my nails and put on high heels. And he's still here, watching me, pushing the skanks away, my perfect opportunity but I'm way too nervous, I can't even reach out and hold his hand.
"I mean, I think you look just as good in your regular clothes," he shrugs. "Hell, you look amazing when you're working on your car."
It was like my whole world lit up. He thought I looked good when I was just being my complete self, when I wasn't even trying. I can feel the blush deepen as my breath hitches and my heartbeat gets faster. Is it possible to feel this good? I keep my head down as he steps closer. I'm not sure if I want him to know he has quite that effect on me. I wasn't about to show it just yet. This is different, too unfamiliar and it's Dom. So I put my defences up. I take deep breathes and when I feel the heat leave me body I look up. He is smiling at me and I will myself not to blush now I'm looking at him. I don't want to fall in love, I'm not ready, if I ever did that I'd probably have a heart attack. Who wouldn't? Letty Ortiz in love?
He steps back and heads towards his car as the crowd starts to disperse. I get into mine, trying my hardest to stay calm. This is like anything else. I concentrate on the road as hard as possible on the way back to the house. And as soon as I get there I head straight to the back and pick up a Corona. I smile at the guys who come closer. That's happened a lot since I grew up and came home to LA. I lean into a couple of them, talk and even enjoy myself some. It's easy, no sweat but then as I leave the room I bump into Dom and I become paralyzed. It happens every single time, I would try to be myself but it just comes out wrong every time, sort of like a cry for help.
"You OK there?" he asks, face filled with amusement.
It's not fair, I thought. "Yes."
"Really?" he chuckles. "You look a little flustered."
I groan. Pain's more trouble than love is worth. And I realise I've stopped breathing, he's too close. I gasp for air. Honestly, him being that close always felt good and it would never change but it hurt. I'm not ready to fall in love just yet and I know for damn sure he isn't either. This was too quick.
But here I am. Wanting to act like a girl, painted nails and wearing perfume for him. I'm nervous as hell and all I want to do is reach out and hold his hand. Even now I can feel the glow he creates in me start to creep up, but of course I cover it, like always. Defences go straight up and I try to calm my heart down.
"Let… You sure you're OK?" That amusement on his face has gone now, he looks concerned.
My breathing won't help me out, it's hitched and my lungs are burning. I'd rather be numb. This is all my fault. I was so sure I was over this but now if anything my feelings are stronger. He steps closer to me and I freak. I dart around him and run. I was flying way too close to dangerous and I was bursting into flames.
"Letty?"
I've stopped running. I'm on the front lawn now and he's behind me. I close my eyes and take a breath, the fresh air doing me good. He wraps his arms around me but I shrug them off.
"What are you running from?" he asks curiously
"You."
"I don't want you to run away from me," he breathes out, awfully close to my neck as well.
"I don't want to fall in love, Dom."
"Then let's not fall in love tonight."
I turn around to face him. He puts his arms around me and I don't push them off. "Excuse me?" I question.
"Let's talk, dance, drink…" he shrugs. "Tomorrow we'll talk again, we'll work. And we'll continue that pattern until you do want to."
I gulp. That familiar glow coming back to me again. I pray my breathing will calm and I won't feel this nervous around him now. I mean, how could I after that? But I put my defences up. The only indication I give him is a nod then I walk back into the house before I have a heart attack.
R&R