November 1778

The days following Halloween, Sara felt nothing but guilt and remorse. She had been playing like a child, and then behaved like a child. John didn't speak to Sara about what he saw. Aunt Catherine thought that he was sick and made him take the bitter medicine that they made from herbs. Through the month Gil sent letters to her, but she hadn't moved to open one. She felt that she didn't deserve to read his words of love when God had saw how she behaved. The kiss didn't mean anything to her at all, but it wasn't until after it had happened that she had realized her mistake. Her nights were spent sobbing into her pillow until her lungs were sore and her eyes burned. She wanted Gil there with her so bad, but she didn't know how to face him. Aunt Catherine became suspicious of the unopened letters and thought that Gil had argued with her.

"I don't mean to be meddling in your business, but if you need to tell a man something you tell him. Playing with someone's heart is not proper and rude," her aunt had said to her privately.

"You don't understand what I did. I am engaged to Gil, but I kissed another man," Sara said.

Aunt Catherine sighed. "I knew this would happen," she said.

Sara was confused. "What do you mean?" she said.

"You're young and Gil is older. Growing up you were never involved with people, but when you met Gil you opened up. It may be that he was your first love and it always hurts to loose them no matter how old you are. I think that you and Gil were just a passing season," Aunt Catherine said.

"I love him though," Sara said.

Aunt Catherine looked sad and patted her hand. "Then why haven't you opened his letters?"

Sara looked at the two letters that sat on her desk. "I don't know what to say," she said.

"Then maybe you shouldn't say anything for a while. Maybe you should think about the future. The war still isn't over and the chances of him falling victim goes up as the war goes on. It's too hard to fall in love with a solider," her aunt said.

"You did," Sara pointed out.

Aunt Catherine stood and smoothed her dress. "Sara, you need to make a choice. You can either keep ignoring his letters and worry him, or you can write him and tell him your heart. If your love is going to last then God will protect it. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill," she said as she left.

When the door shut Sara was alone with silence. Her thoughts seemed too loud, but they spoke out to her. Her heart wanted her to be honest with Gil, but her mind told her something different. Finally she moved and picked up the two letters. She opened the first one slowly and read.

Dear Sara,

My mind is filled with good thoughts of you. How I wish every day for you. I do hope you are well. We have been moving our camp so I am sorry I am late responding to your letter. I love you and can not wait for a response.

Gil

Sara set down the letter and sighed. Every letter they wrote was a repeat. They always included declarations of love and promises. She was tired of hope, and wishes. Most of all she was tired of herself. She was tired of not knowing what to do, and of feeling lost. So she wrote what she knew. It came both from her head and heart.

Dear Gil,

I am sorry I haven't written. Yes, I am well, but I am not. I haven't been able to hear my own thoughts lately. I am afraid I have done something bad, but I haven't the heart to tell you what it is. In my mind it makes me evil, and I don't think I deserve you. The bible says a man reaps that which he sows, and I am afraid God will punish me. I am sorry to say that I don't think we should marry. I have spent my life wanting to know everything, but the one thing I don't know is me. I need to be by myself and think about what I have done.

Sara

She set down the finished letter and sighed. There was never a question to weather she wanted Gil or not, but she had never been in love before. How could she trust herself with her own life? These questions ran through her mind as she handed Uncle Jim the letter to send to Gil.

~0~

December 1778

Letters still came to the house for Sara. At first they were stacked up on her desk, but then she burned them so she wouldn't be tempted to read them. She still cried herself to sleep every night. The pain of not having Gil killed her and she thought about things she knew was wrong. Things that she knew she would be sent away for. One day the letters stopped and somehow it made her feel worse. At nights she would look in her desk and on the floor, thinking one had been lost and that maybe somehow she could read his words. When she slept she dreamed of him. When she looked up at the sky, he was first in her thoughts. The month dragged on blindly. She was cold every night and didn't want to eat.

"Sara, you're growing frail. You need to eat," Uncle Jim would say.

One night Aunt Catherine brought up her a letter that Nick had written. She didn't stand and wait for Sara to read it, but handed it to her and smiled.

"Nick is coming by in a few weeks," she said.

Sara smiled. "Good, I miss him," she said.

Her aunt smiled and left Sara to read the letter. As Sara read Nicks words she was shocked and scared.

Dear Family,

I am pleased to say that I will come home for Christmas. Snow hasn't started here yet and I hope to beat it. Not only am I writing to give the news, but to ask about Sara. Gil is not acting like himself, instead he is bitter and mean. He is by himself a lot. This makes me think that something has happened to her, but you haven't written anything about it. I will see you soon.

Nick

Sara put down the letter and blinked back tears. She hurt Gil and now she wished she would have told him.

~0~

On Christmas day Uncle Jim and Aunt Catherine were looking for Nick to come. They had roasted a large ham. In addition to that there were beans, potatoes, pies, a cake and fresh milk. John was playing with his new pocket knife when Uncle Jim saw Nick ride up. Everyone went out to greet him, but Sara. She hadn't been feeling like herself and felt exhausted. She retired to the sitting room and sat in the wicker rocker. She had wrapped her woolen shawl around her and felt her eyes start to close. The door to the sitting room closed and Sara knew she had to get up and greet Nick. She stood up slowly and turned to see Gil standing by the door. Instead of feeling the rush of excitement and love that she felt for him, she felt afraid. Sara saw as much pain in his eyes as she felt, but she didn't know what to say to make it better.

"What are you doing here?" she finally asked in a low voice.

Gil took off his cap. "I've come to see you," he said.

Sara looked down. "I don't know why you would," she whispered.

"Because I love you.," he said.

Sara wiped a tear off her cheek. "I don't know what to do," she said.

Gil stepped forward and put his hands on her arms. His hands were warm and felt like they belonged there.

"I just want to know why," he said. "Can I please know?"

Sara bit her lip and it quivered. "Because I don't know who I am anymore. I know everything, except me," she said.

"Maybe you need me to find out," he said. "I know having you lets me know who I am."

Sara was confused. "What do you mean?" she said.

"Well," Gil said. "when I look at you I know I am in love. I know that I am needed and I have a future. Your face lets me know that everything is going to be alright."

Sara stepped away from him and looked down at her shoes. "Gil, I went astray," she said.

Gil pursed his lips. "With whom?" he asked with a stern voice.

"A boy I once knew. We were at a party for Halloween and he said that if you kissed someone under the stars the ghosts would go away and-" she started.

Gil's loud bark of laughter interrupted her. Sara was confused, she didn't think it was something to laugh about. It wasn't just a small laugh, but loud laughter that came from deep within.

"What's funny about that?" she asked.

Gil shook his head. "I used to say the same thing to young ladies. The odd thing was that they all fell for it," Gil said through his laughter.

Sara didn't know weather to be furious or relieved hat he was laughing. She had felt guilty about this for months and Gil thought it was funny.

"We'll, I don't think it is," she said as she walked past him.

"Do you want me to be mad about it?" Gil asked as he controlled his laughter.

Sara stopped and turned. "No," she said.

"I could be mad if you wanted," he said. "I could go and find this man and beat him until he was bruised all over."

"Your not mad at me?" Sara asked.

Gil shook his head. "I'm a little annoyed that this is all that had you upset. I spent a lot of time wondering if I had said something wrong. Of course I am jealous, but I would rather feel that than be without you," he said.

Sara couldn't help the smile that was forming on her face. "I do still love you," she said.

Gil walked to Sara and took her in his arms. His arms felt so good around her that she nearly melted. It was all she had wanted for the past few months.

"I love you," he said. "don't ever scare me like that again."

Sara said she wouldn't and she kissed him. To her it was the beginning of something she hadn't felt before. It was a certainty that Gil was part of her and that she was part of him.

"I still don't know who I am," she said when the kiss ended.

Gil smiled and kissed her forehead. "You will," he said.

~0~

For the first time in a while Sara ate until she could eat no more. Everyone was merry and exchanged presents with each other. Gil and Sara walked to town together and bought each other gifts. Sara bought Gil a new hat with ear flaps that protected his ears from the cold. Gil kept his gift a secret, but bought Sara a muff for the winter. Sara loved her muff. It was a deep purple and was warm. On the walk back home Sara saw Gregory as he walked by.

"Did the ghosts bother you?" he dared to ask.

Gil looked furious "No, but I will bother you if I hear that you have been around her again," he said.

Gregory looked ill and hurried on his way. Sara looked back and laughed to herself. Gil looked down at her and chuckled.

"I guess we have to marry soon if I am going to protect you from scalawags," he said.

Sara nodded. "We will get married when we can," she said.

"No," Gil said. "we will get married this spring. I will stay here for a while and build you a house," he said.

Sara couldn't believe her ears. "Where will it be?" she asked.

"I am not sure. It may just be one room for a while, but I will make it bigger," he said.

As they walked towards home Sara leaned into him. She wanted time to hurry up, but she wanted it to stand still so they could be like that forever.

~0~

That night Uncle Jim and Gil talked. They announced their plans to get married in the spring and everyone was excited. Aunt Catherine seemed relieved that everything was alright and that Sara wasn't melancholy anymore.

"We are going to have to get your mother's trunk ready," Aunt Catherine said.

When Uncle Jim brought Sara to live with him, they also brought a trunk that was filled with treasures. In it were white china dishes and silverware. There was her mothers quilts and a checked table cloth. There was an oil lamp and some fabric as well. It had been so long since Sara had opened it that she had forgotten it.

"Alright Cathy, it is settled," Uncle Jim said when he and Gil came through the kitchen door.

Sara set down the pot that she had been cleaning. "What is settled?" she asked.

"You are like my daughter, Sara. If Gil says he is going to marry you then I have to provide a dowry. I told Gil he could find a place on our land to build a house," he said.

Sara nearly fainted and pulled out a chair. "This is too much," she said.

"Well," Aunt Catherine said. "If we are going to make plans for a house, then there is no time like the present. Tomorrow Gil should take Sara and find the spot where we need to build."

Gil nodded. "I will build you a fine house," he said.