Friends

It looked like Lucifer hadn't slept since the past three days since he had called her. Now, sitting on her couch, he was flagging in energy, almost sagging when normally he'd at least try to sit up and listen to her, even if he spun things in completely different ways than what she meant.

"Trouble sleeping?"

He grunted at her, which was worrying. It was almost like some of the vitality that he normal exuded had worn off.

"Anything you want to talk about? Or should we talk about your music from the other night."

He glared at her. "Let's not..."

"Okay. You're obviously upset about something. What's happened since then and now?"

He looked away, before sighing and letting himself relax a little into the couch. "I told Miss Lopez and Detective Decker about what happened. Well, not the killing him part with Chloe, because I don't want to be locked up when it can be prevented and I have a tendency of unlocking locked doors because I hate being confined..."

"So you finally told her that your brother had died and now she knows why you've been acting out."

He shrugged and nodded. "She's not angry with me anymore for when I hit Dan. Which is good, because I actually regret doing that. He was just...there right in front of me and so an available target for my anger."

"You and Dan seem to be getting on better now."

He shrugged. "Yeah, he sacrificed his job and freedom for me once simply because he knew I was innocent of the crime I apparently committed and he felt responsible for it. Respect."

"That's good. Another friend to have."

He frowned. "I really wouldn't call what me and Dan has as a friendship. I think it more a general acquaintance now we can stand to be in each other's company."

"Well, that's better than petty jealousy and calling him Detective Douche."

He grinned. "Oh, I still call him Detective Douche, but only when he really irritates me or does something stupid. Other than that, now it's Dan or Detective Espinoza."

"I fail to see how the two of you aren't really friends now."

"Probably because the last time I saw him he ended up with my fist in his face..."

"You haven't seen him since then?'

"The detective kindly withdrew me from police work for two weeks. Said I should have told her right away, as there's a two week mandatory time off for grief thing they have going on."

Linda nodded at him. "It would have been nice for you to have known that right away. You probably wouldn't have made the whole precinct worry about your well being."

He scowled. "Yeah, and now I don't have anything but the club to keep my mind occupied. I...I haven't stopped thinking since it happened and I just want to switch off for a while, but can't."

"Did the music help?"

He stilled and for a moment she worried he had stopped breathing. "It...It helps me deal with my emotions, but not the memories or the thoughts."

"Alright. Do you feel up to talking about your thoughts or do you want to discuss something else?"

"Can we stick to talking about other things? I mean I wasn't very good with talking about the memories of it. I played music instead. How pathetic is that?'

"It's not pathetic. You have trouble even knowing what your emotions are if they're not strong. And even when they are, sometimes you still can't identify them. That's not your fault."

He pouted. "Everyone I know in this life I have created for myself seems to have no problems with this type of thing. I mean, they'll have emotional problems, but...they understand what they are feeling and just bury it or use it. Why can't I do that? Is it a human thing?"

She crossed her legs and leaned forward. "I have been putting off talking about this, regardless of being a psychiatrist, because I wasn't sure what to think of you for the longest time. Now I know the truth, it's actually a lot easier. There is one thing I can say for certain. As far as I have seen, between you and Amenadiel and Mazikeen, angels and demons have the same emotional range as humans do.

"Maze was unsure how to act around humans at first, because she only ever knew Hell, where she was your fighter and protector and had fun torturing souls for a living outside that. She's channelled most of that into bedroom play, but she will always have the violent streak, but she is better able to tell positive and good emotions now, like friendship and love even."

"Now, Amenadiel as far as I have talked to him outside him being a fake therapist, is actually very much human in his emotions. He may use them in different ways, like you do, because you aren't humans, but the same emotional range is there and expressed."

He threw his hands up in the air. "Great! So not only is it not a human thing, but both my demon and my angelic brother are better at this than I am. Where did I go wrong? Was I made faulty or something?"

Linda sighed and rubbed at her head. "I can't tell. In humans the inability to understand or decipher their own emotions is called Alexithymia. And yes, it can occur in humans."

He blinked. "There's an actual name for it? Huh. So, I'm not alone then. That...that makes me feel slightly better, I think."

"There's two different ways of getting it that is bandied about, but no one is really truly sure about it. One is natural, which is if you were born with it, and it is a natural part of who you are. The other is generally caused through...well, neglect and abuse. Trauma at an early age."

He frowned. "So that's why you brought that up! You think my parents did this to me."

"It's possible that they did, yes. You were definitely neglected, which is considered a lesser form of abuse, but...you were also abandoned, thrown out, made to feel unwelcome. You had everyone turn on you. You don't take abandonment well, but every small wrong thing done can be seen as a betrayal or abandonment even if it isn't."

He grimaced and slumped in his seat. "Well, that's all true, I guess. But why would that muck up the way I do emotions?"

"You weren't emotionally looked after. You don't know the right responses, because no one ever showed you the right responses. Your parents were distant and absent. Your fear reaction to your mother does state more going on than you are saying. You have doubts, I know you do, but we won't talk about that until you're ready to."

And just like that he was on his feet and headed to the door. She sighed. She really needed to stop trying to coax him so openly about talking about his mother. "And reactions like this just make me wonder even more. Lucifer, please sit back down."

"No! I don't want to hear you saying bad things about mum right now! She's...she's really been there for me the past few weeks. You don't know anything! Just...stay off that topic."

Throwing her hands up in the air in the universal gesture of giving up, she let him walk out. At least this time he didn't slam the door behind him. He was at least showing restraint there. His anger was really beginning to peak through the guilt now.

She'll address that next session.