Chapter 10 – Survivors

Peridot checked on Amethyst every day, even when she said she didn't want to see people. "I'm not people; I'm your best friend. Besides, you were there for me when I needed you."

"It just makes no sense, Per." Amethyst was deflecting to anger as she paced in her room. "Deployed four times, survived the heat of battle, survived an explosion and fighting, while pregnant! And in what universe does it make any amount of sense to take her out like…like this? She would have rather fallen on the battlefield!"

Peridot recalled the way Jasper had talked about having the baby, how she had prepared for it and the look of pure joy on her face when she held the tiny miracle she'd brought into the world and wasn't sure Amethyst was right. She may not have known Jasper as much as her own sister had, but Peridot did know that going to war, Jasper had seen the worst of humanity; she had seen the kind of atrocities people could inflict on others – she'd experienced one of the worst herself – and yet, she had made the ultimate sacrifice, not killing on the battlefield, but in bringing another life into the world. She had continued humanity hoping the next generation might be better than the last.

She figured, however, it was best not to voice this opinion to Amethyst when she was hurting so badly. She didn't understand loss in terms of death, but in the last year, both of them had experienced loss of some kind. Her mind traveled back to that October morning when she'd woken to discover she'd lost her innocence, her idea of a perfect world and her trust of others. It had taken time to heal from that – she was still healing and she recalled how raw those wounds felt in her heart when they were fresh. Now Amethyst had lost her sister and she had wounds that were new and bleeding…and undoubtedly hurting. All she could do was be there. Peridot stopped Amethyst's pacing and hugged her. "She was a great soldier, a true friend and a wonderful sister."

Amethyst nodded, pressing her lips together in an attempt to stop the threatening tears. She took a breath. "Bismuth said she was a pretty terrific wife. And she was a mother, too…briefly. Do you think she was scared…even though she said she wasn't?"

"I think she faced the end like she faced everything – with bravery and determination."

"That sounds like her."

It did. Jasper had, by all accounts, been a survivor, rising above what she saw and experienced to get up, brush the sand off her uniform and keep fighting. It wasn't fair that she had been taken by a rare complication during childbirth, but Peridot imagined Jasper shrugging and updating her FB status: #thatslife. Remembering Jasper's spirit and positive outlook made Peridot smile because if it hadn't been for that, she wouldn't be alive today.

The funeral was the following Monday and Peridot had bought a black dress which, though appropriate, made her look even more pale. She had applied a conservative amount of makeup and combed her hair to try and reduce the pointiness of it. The day was sunny and it seemed to betray the gloomy and solemn mood surrounding the service. The family was seated but everyone else stood and Peridot was thankful she'd worn flats.

There were no flowers, but she figured Jasper wouldn't have wanted that. Instead, it was a full military affair – a mahogany coffin draped in the flag, soldiers standing in dress uniforms to pay respects to their sister-in-arms. The army chaplain spoke of Jasper's bravery, her courage, her military achievements, but little of who she was as a person, hardly anything about her as a wife and her time as a mother had been so short it apparently wasn't worth mentioning at all.

All this made Peridot wonder what her funeral would have been like. Standing with her hands together, she thought of the night in the bath she was going to slit her wrists. She remembered choosing her own funeral attire before she sat down for a last meal of Percocet and vodka. There had been no doubt in her mind – if Amethyst hadn't shown up at Jasper's insistence, she would have gone through with it. She once again reflected on Jasper's kindness in sharing her story and pulling Peridot out of the darkest time of her life.

As she left the cemetery later on, she recalled the article she'd read in Amethyst's magazine and instead of heading home, she headed to the tattoo parlor in town. She signed the necessary consent forms, handed over the money and sat down allowing the artist to swab her wrist with a cleanser.

"You don't have any other tattoos? You're sure now? There's no going back."

"I'm sure."

"We do this one a lot. It won't take long."

The inside of her wrist was sensitive and she gritted her teeth. It felt like a cat was scratching her over and over, then it felt like a searing pain. And she had actually considered slicing her wrist open at one point? She considered the words of the tattoo artist saying he did this particular tattoo 'a lot'. So, there were others…many others…like her who had paused. But the pain she felt – both emotional and physical reminded her that, through it all, she was still here. She took a breath as the tattoo artist wiped away the excess ink and wrapped her wrist in clear plastic. She, too, was a survivor.

It didn't take her parents long at all to notice either. Had it been somewhere else, she might have been able to cover it up, but it was meant to be visible. It was at dinner that night her mother took one look at her wrist and immediately voiced her displeasure. "That's fake, right?"

"No."

"That's not one of those gang tattoos that means you killed someone is it?" her father asked.

Peridot laughed. "What? You think I'm in a gang now? No, it's just a semicolon."

Her father lowered his fork. "I know what it is, young lady, but why that particular tattoo?"

She remembered that she had never been the rebellious type and getting a permanent mark on her body may have taken it just a bit far unless she explained the meaning behind it. "So, in writing, when the author wants to end a sentence, they use a period and that means a definite end to the statement, but if they just want a pause between two sentences, then they use a semicolon. I'm writing the story of my life every day I live and, as we all know, there was a time I was going to put a period and end it. I didn't…I paused…and I went on. That's what it means."

Her mother gave an exasperated sigh. "Did it have to be permanent?"

And Peridot realized she may have gone a little far on this one. "That's kind of the point. I'm doing really well, so well, Rose has suggested making our appointments every other week, but I'm not going to pretend I don't still have dark days and she says those might never go away completely, so the point is that this is visible – to me, to everyone."

"Just don't get another," her mother said shaking her head. "Good girls don't cover their bodies in tattoos."

Peridot was about to start another conversation with "just a minute…" but decided against it. She'd already pushed her bounds here enough. She could tell her parents that she was not a 'good girl' some other time. "Trust me, as much as it hurt, I'm not itching for another.

They drove in silence, Peridot in the passenger's seat holding flowers while Amethyst guided the car down familiar streets. "Thanks for coming, Per. I needed to do this before going back to school."

"Of course."

They pulled up to the familiar house where they'd gone to visit Jasper a few times during the summer. Peridot felt a little weird about it since she didn't really know Jasper's husband at all, but Amethyst was family and said she needed to see him and the baby. She'd also said she needed emotional support, which Peridot was more than willing to give.

Bismuth seemed tired, but agreed to see them. "I just put Allie down, so we'll have to be a little quiet."

"Allie?" Peridot asked.

"I named her Alexandrite." He smiled sadly. "How could I not?"

They sat around the kitchen table and Amethyst produced photos she'd brought. "Um, I know someday, we'll tell the baby all about her mom, but I thought you might like to have some photos. I took them over the last few years when we were getting to know each other better."

"Amethyst, do you think you're never going to see the baby?"

"I just thought…because…"

"You're her aunt. I've already talked to your parents. We're going to make sure Allie grows up with family all around her. I do appreciate the pictures though."

Peridot's eyes flickered over toward the fridge where the note Amethyst had described was still there. She couldn't imagine Jasper crying, but at the end in fresh ink, one more entry had been made: 'saw the face of her baby'. There was a photo next to it of Jasper holding Allie and smiling at her with a tear sliding down her cheek.

"This stinks," Amethyst said. "She didn't deserve this. She would have wanted to go down fighting."

"She didn't tell you, did she? The pregnancy was always high risk. She knew this was a very real possibility." His eyes fell on Amethyst. "She was injured during her third deployment…she almost needed a hysterectomy. They weren't even sure she could have children and if she did, it could be dangerous for both her and the baby. The doctor even suggested terminating the pregnancy, but she wouldn't do it at so far along. What ultimately took her life – the amniotic embolism – was not related to that probably, but she knew there was a chance both she and Allie may not have survived. I like to think she passed on her strength to her daughter; Allie survived because she's strong, but when it came down it, Jasper just couldn't fight anymore. If she'd wanted to go down fighting, she would have ended the pregnancy and gone back to the battlefield. She wanted to be a mother. I don't think she'd regret the way she left. She'd be happy to know her baby is healthy."

Peridot reflected on something Jasper had said: "the further along I get the more I feel like she's sucking the life out of me." Not only had she known; she was trying to prepare the people around her for this possibility. Yes, she had indeed faced the end bravely. She sat silently while Amethyst and Bismuth shared stories and helped each other talking about good memories. Peridot decided not to share how Jasper had touched her life – she felt the story was rather personal, but she'd always be grateful to her.

"Thanks again, Peri," Amethyst said again as they left the house.

"Any time." A screech from above caught their attention and they looked up at the sky to see a bird make a circle above the house. It was far away but Peridot was pretty sure she knew what it was.

"Is that a hawk?" Amethyst asked.

"No…it's an eagle…a bald eagle."

Amethyst smiled and chuckled a little before looking up to see the bird sail away. "Good-bye, sis."