Kirk raced back to the Medical Facility. He knew he had to get there not just to tell Bones the news but to let Spock know he was there. Spock had to know he had not left him, would not leave him. You should have trusted him. You should have trusted him. Bones had been right. This was his fault, he had not trusted Spock. He had been so enraptured with remembering that feeling of being a captain for the first time he had not trusted him. Knowing that more senior officers had been tricked by Utoga did nothing to ease the agony of knowing what he had done and what he was sure he had lost.

Two security guards he recognized from the Enterprise were outside the door and when he went to go in one gripped his arm, "We have orders not to allow you access, Sir. You can sit down over there on the bench or return to the Enterprise to check it is ready for the next mission, Sir. Doctor McCoy said it was up to you and that he would let you know if there is any change."

The Enterprise. He had not even really thought of the ship. He had now asked how the repair and refit was going. Knowing that they had a mission in eight days was enough to tell him the ship would be ready. He was duty-bound to be ready, to have thoroughly reviewed the mission's goals, to have the crew ready. The ship.

He had taken about six paces away from the door and down the hall when he heard one of the officer say to the other, "Told ya he would pick the ship." Just for a moment anger flared through him then he realized that word would have been throughout the ship about how he had treated Spock and he knew that there was bound to be those who believed his actions were his own and those who knew that he had been used.

Slowly he turned and he could tell from the reaction it was not expected and then there was an expectation they were in trouble. "Either of you know where the main Comm Center is? I left my communicator on the ship."

The two looked at each other and then one held out his to Kirk, "You can use mine, Sir."

"Thank you."

He walked over to the bench and sat down before flipping it open, "Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise."

"Enterprise here, Sir. Go ahead." Uhura was her calm self.

"Who has the Conn?"

"Sulu, Sir."

He could picture Sulu moving over to Uhura's station before he heard, "Sulu here, Sir."

"Ship's status?"

"All repairs are finished to be finished in two days, we are then to go on a three day shake-down, and return to get our next mission. No problems are expected as the damage was, confined to, contained in one area, Sir."

"Crew?"

"We have enough crew aboard to maintain the ship and most of those due for rotation are returning. There is a large percentage of the crew who," Sulu was hesitant and Kirk nodded to himself, he did not want to say that they were waiting to hear what was to happen with Spock.

"Officer Kelly made that clear, Sulu." Kirk looked at the closed door and the two guards, "I will be back in contact shortly. Kirk out." As he stood he looked at the officer who loaned him the communicator as he handed it back, "I will need to borrow it again when I come back. What is the quickest way to Admiral Millan's office?"

Surprise was on the faces of both men as they told him of the short route, a service route, that not many knew of but that saved about ten minutes of walking although it did involve climbing.

Even as he was rushing through the warren of narrow service access halls and up service ladders Kirk knew it was the right thing to do, the only thing he could do. He only hoped the others would understand.

He knocked on the door to Millan's office as he opened it as there was nobody at the desk in front of it. Millan set down the cup of coffee he had been holding and looked up at him, "Kirk. What is it that was not covered before?"

"I did not mean to charge in like that but I have just heard that the Enterprise is to go on a three day shake-down after the repairs have finished."

"Standard as well you know."

"I cannot go on that shake-down trip and want Mister Sulu to be in command."

Millan looked at him, "Why can you not be on that shake-down trip on your own ship, Captain?"

"My First Officer needs me more right now than the ship does, Sir. I will be ready for the next mission but I cannot leave Mister Spock right now."

Millan picked up his coffee, took a sip, and looked at him over the rim of the cup for a minute before setting the cup down, "You cannot leave Mister Spock right now or you will not leave him till facilities have been made for him aboard the Enterprise?"

"I have to be with him, I have a lot to talk over with him."

"What used to be called fence mending? Utoga gave a fairly detailed description of what was said. Him being Vulcan you really think you can mend that fence?"

Clearly Millan had seen his doubt and with how Spock had acted made him shake his head, "I have to try, Sir. I need what we had, I need him. I know that makes no sense but,"

"Do it, Kirk. I," Millan turned to his computer and flicked a switch Kirk recognized as a dispatch switch, "Note to Danials, Personnel, Starfleet Command. For the next five standard days Captain James T. Kirk has placed Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu in command of the U.S.S. Enterprise while he remains to assist with the rehabilitation of First Officer Spock who is showing some minimal improvement and to help evaluate what accommodations will be required for Mister Spock's likely return to the U.S.S. Enterprise. Millan, out."

"Thank," Kirk started.

"No, no thanks Kirk." Millan looked right at him, "Eleven years ago I was a Captain as well. I was also close friends with my First and there was an incident that saw him put in a medical facility for a month. He was not as severely injured as Mister Spock and was to be on full duty after the month but I had not waited for him. I got a new First and we worked well as team, perhaps too well. I had wanted to be out there so much I did not check his record thoroughly, I knew nothing of his past. When we returned to the base four months later we were out doing a run around a park one night. I thought nothing of it. I had visited my former First beforehand and told him of my evening plans and he had asked if that was wise. I said I was running late and did not need to be questioned about running by somebody who could not even run at the required standard. I, I'll never forget the look on his face. He just turned and walked slowly back into the medical unit he was in. About ten minutes into the run my new First turned on me with a hyprospray saying he would be Captain. He had me pinned when my former first came charging from nowhere with six security people after him. I still am vague as to how he got between me and that hypospray but he, he got the full load from the it." For a moment he was silent, bowed his head and slowly shook it, "Having run after me his heart rate was already much faster than mine would have been as we had stopped for a few minutes. He, he died before I could say anything, before I could even get to him. Afterwards I found out how far and how fast he had run to save me. It was well over requirement. The, the last thing I said to him was he could not even run at the required standard. I could not let the last words, should something unforeseen happen, between you and your First be you telling him to go to hell. I could not not give you the chance to see the look of a friend on Mister Spock's face and not a look possibly akin to the look I last got from my friend. It's been eleven years but hardly a day goes by that I do not see his face and that look. You think it is bad now with that being the possibility, you have an idea of what the feeling is like to live each day with the reality. You best go see how he is doing and inform Lieutenant Sulu of the situation. It would be difficult to think of you without him on that ship."

"Thank you, Sir." Kirk all but ran through the station to get back to the medical facility.

When he got back to the door to the room Spock was in the officer held out his communicator without a word, "Kirk to Enterprise."

"Enterprise here. Go ahead , Sir."

"Sulu, you have the ship for five standard days. You take her out on that shake down. Millans has made it official." he paused for a moment and looked at the closed door, "I will keep you advised about Spock. Kirk out."

He handed the communicator back with a nod of thanks and went and sat on the bench. Words said to him years ago when his mother had taken him to an old Earth American Indian medicine woman before he took command of the Enterprise, "You are blessed, James Tiberius Kirk, for you will find another who completes you, who is very different in many ways than you, yet who is closer to you than your own shadow, and who will understand you as though they share the one mind with you. You must always treat the other as you would have it treat you or you will lose it. Nothing can hurt as much as being the cause of the loss of such a one." Kirk shook his head, she could have said how much even the thought of losing such a one would hurt.

As Kirk sat waiting he realized Millan had given him a glimpse into why he had been almost pushy about him getting Spock back with him on the Enterprise. He wondered if the look Millan's friend had given him was anywhere near the hurt he had seen for perhaps a second on Spock's face before that Vulcan mask fell back into place. That flash of shock then deep pain quickly hidden.

Time meant nothing as he just sat there. Scotty had gone to the ablutions area twice and McCoy had come out once to try to get him to return to the ship but if where he was was as close as he could be to Spock then he was staying right there.

Shortly after Scotty's second trip to the ablution area McCoy came out and sat beside him, "He's still with us. You should go to the ship and get ready for the shake-down trip."

"Sulu's doing it. Millan's gave the okay. Spock may need me."

"Till that event on the bridge I thought you needed each other. If I had not been there I would not have believed the venom and hostility in your voice, Jim. I would have sworn it was not the James Kirk I knew. And how you just seemed to cut him off after that was not you but the damage had been done, Jim. We all saw it. We knew it was Utoga's influence but you were so wrapped up in that illusion we could not get you to see what you were doing. Only Spock kept diplomatically trying and finally in that one last desperate attempt to get you to see what was happening and how you reacted clearly shattered him. At the time you attacked him he was very emotional, he had those mental shields or whatever he uses to protect himself from human emotions down, and you attacked him, you got to his core. It was as though there was a massive almost total disconnect about him after you said to stay the hell out of your life. Now we would visit him in the brig but it was not the Spock we knew who would show some of his human side, who would use our names and not our official titles. Now we may get him back to a level of mental and physical fitness that he could be on a ship but we may not get our Spock back."

We may not get our Spock back. That look came back to him. The look that locked away the shock and deep pain. That total Vulcan, totally emotionless face.

An officer opened the door and looked at McCoy, "We need you now!"

"Has he asked,"

"Once or twice in very severe spasms he has started to call out your name. Has said 'Help me J' then an emphatic 'No'."

Almost automatically Kirk started to follow McCoy into the room feeling if Spock had wanted him he had to be there, but as soon as the door shut behind him he found himself pushed hard against it and Scotty glaring at him, "Ye'll nae hurt him again, Sir. He's of nae importance ta ye now. Ye told him so. I'll nae let ye hurt him again. I nae like being away from the lad but I'll nae let ye near him again unless McCoy tells me ta."

McCoy glared over at him, "Quiet you two. Scotty get back here and you, stay there."

Scotty walked back over and took Spock's hand, "I'm here laddie. Had to leave ye for a mite but am back now."

"Need, need Vul van heal er. Feel him. Hurts to."

"I will see about getting a Vulcan healer for you, Spock." McCoy looked over at him and Kirk knew the significance of a Vulcan healer. Spock wanted him removed from his mind.

"Thank you Mc Coy. Need him gone."

Need him gone. Need him gone. Kirk closed his eyes and shook his head then slowly left the room. One of the officers outside the door gripped his arm and helped him to the bench, "Are you alright, Sir?"

A part of him screamed out "I've just driven my best friend away from me and back into a Vulcan hell and you wonder if I am alright!" but he just nodded, "I will be, thanks."

He smelt the coffee before he saw the cup being held out to him, the officer who had loaned him the communicator looked at him, "You look like you could use it, Sir."

After the first sip he realized it helped, a little. He still heard, We may not get our Spock back. Need him gone. Need him gone. An anger he had not experienced before grew in him as he thought of what he had done. You got to his core A massive almost total disconnect. He shut his eyes only to see that look on Spock's face as his words made Spock's Vulcan side remove all emotion from that beloved face. Somewhere in him he again felt the sudden emptiness. That was it, until that moment he had not know exactly what that feeling had been but it was an emptiness, a feeling of loss he had not known before, like a major part of him was missing. He felt so alone and frightened. Millan had said, "You have an idea of what the feeling is like to live each day with the reality." and he was so afraid that he would have it for the rest of his life.

A part of his mind had been aware of movement around him but all he could think of was life without that important part of him, of what he had done. The grip of a hand on his arm pulling him jolted him back to the present reality as did the contained fury in McCoy's voice as he pulled him into a small room, "You and I need to talk, NOW."

A/N Between sessions so thought I would get this done and will see about another later. Enjoy