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Chapter 10: Going back

"Don't take her she's all I've got

Please don't take her love away from me

I'm beggin' you friend

don't take her she's all I got

She's everything in life I'll ever need"

George Strait- Don't take her she's all I got

I couldn't believe that these holidays had passed so fast. It felt like yesterday I was coming home to a huge, empty, manor and a horrendous family- minus Gardenia of course. I sighed, twisting my neck a bit, trying to get the never ending tension out of it. It was already 9 am and we had to be at King's Cross at 10. I wasn't sure what to make of my impending journey. A part of me was excited to go back to Hogwarts while another one was terrified to leave Gardenia alone. What would she do once I was gone? What did she do before? Would someone care enough to play and stay with her? Would someone look at her? Would someone take her to Hyde Park and let her play with Cooper again?

I closed my eyes and turned toward the nightstand. Cooper. I swallowed the lump which was stuck in my throat at thinking of Cooper and went to take the phone which was resting close to a lamp. I hadn't talked about him with Gardenia since that day. Even at five year old my sister was more perceptive than most people.

I cracked a small smile and looked back at the small screen. What did Granger say already? Four zeros. I quickly typed it and went to the little bubble icon which apparently meant that I had messages.

Cooper Turner December 28th – 14:47

Hey Pans' ! Sorry but I will be late! Apologize to Gard for me, please! See you in a few! –Cooper Turner

Oh, that one was from when he was late to Hyde Park, I smiled. It had been a good day… Until the kiss…. Okay, moving on.

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:34

Answer your phone, please

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:36

I want to apologize Pansy, please!

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:38

Please, pick up the phone. –CT

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:39

At least answer my texts…-CT

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:40

I'm sorry Pansy I didn't say it to be mean, please answer- CT

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20: 45

Are you really that childish? Answer!

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20: 46

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that but I'm just frustrated. It's the first time I ever begged someone in my entire life! Please pick up the phone and let me explain – Coop

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:48

I'm so sorry, please answer! –CT

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:50

I need to apologize Pansy, please –CT

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:53

I'm really sorry, I hope you can forgive me- CT

Cooper Turner December 28th – 20:57

I'm sorry

Cooper Turner December 29th – 10:32

Could we meet please? –Coop

Cooper Turner December 31th – 16:26

I understand. –Cooper

Why did that last text hurt so much…?

I sighed, putting the odd device down on my nightstand. It was better if I didn't answer him. Forgiving him -even though I admit that I kind of overreacted- would lead to him spending more time with Gardenia and I, which would lead to Gardenia loving him, which would lead to him becoming my friend, which would lead to me telling him about the wizarding world… Not possible. Definitely not possible.

"Hello." Gardenia walked into my room, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"Hey. To what do I owe this pleasure?" I smiled at her, sitting on the bed.

"I came to say hello." She smiled brightly while hugging me tightly.

"Then hello love." I nuzzled her neck making her laugh. "I'm going to miss you so much love." I whispered.

"I will miss you too."

"I promise to send you a letter tonight before bed, alright?"

"Tonight? Is it already time for you to go back?" She asked me, furrowing her brow while her lips quivered slightly.

I nodded, hugging her. "I will write you every day and I'll come see you during the Easter's holiday. Okay?"

She nodded, her big blue eyes shining with tears. "I will write back."

"Good." I smiled softly, kissing her cheek. She tried to smile back but gave up quickly.

"You won't forget about me?" Her little voice wavered while she looked on the brink of crying.

"No. I promise I won't." I pulled her to my chest, kissing her hair. "I'm sorry, I know I wasn't the sister you deserved and I'm still not. I'm sorry if my past behavior makes you think that I never loved you because I always did. I was just afraid."

"You were a little girl." She told me.

"I wasn't a little girl." I huffed. "I was just a terrified one and it didn't give me the right to do what I did to you. I'm sorry." I finished, putting a strand of her hair behind her ear.

"I am too."

"You don't have to be." I told her fiercely, taking her by the shoulders and looking into her eyes. "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about."

"I'm sorry for mother and father." She simply replied.

"What do you mean?" I asked, utterly confused.

"Well, it must be horrible to leave with such dark ideas." She smiled warmly.

I laughed at that, maybe out of wonderment or maybe because I was speechless. But I laughed, and I hugged her again. If I didn't love her so much I would have compared her to Loufoca Lovegood.

"What do we have here?" I heard Theodore Nott drawl, looking at Granger.

"Can you please move out of my way?" She asked, glaring at him. Nott was blocking the corridor in the Hogwarts express which enabled Granger –and Blaise and I for that matter- to move on and head to wherever we wanted to go.

"Let me think." He told her, putting a hand to his chin while the other remained on the wooden wall. "No." He smiled.

"Theodore." Blaise nodded, when we approached them both, pulling our suitcases behind us.

"Blaise, how have you been?" Theodore nodded back. I looked at Granger who was passing behind him without anyone seeing her and laughed. Nott looked at me and smirked. "Parkinson, it's nice to see you." He winked.

"Let's sit here." I told Blaise pointing at a vacant compartment to my right, not acknowledging Nott. Blaise nodded and mentioned for me to get in first. I heard him say a quick goodbye to Nott while I sat down on one of the banquettes.

"So, how was the end of the holidays for you?" I asked, looking out of the window. There were still a few late students saying a rushed goodbye to their parents. The only goodbye I had was from Gardenia and it was enough. It tore my heart in two to see her cry while holding on to me so tightly. Even my promise that I would write and that the Easter holidays would be soon didn't calm her. She didn't want to be alone again. She was the exact opposite of me. While I enjoyed being alone, she loved people and could see kindness in everyone even our parents.

"As good as can be." He shrugged, looking as bored as I felt.

I nodded and put my back against the window, blocking my view from children and their families. There was a time when I was young that I wished my family cared enough to see me off when I went to Hogwarts. At least Gardenia wouldn't have to feel like she was in a bottomless pit. This was the way I felt every time I left home without even a goodbye from my parents. Then again, Gard' would not attend Hogwarts… But whatever school she would go to later, I would try my hardest to be at her side.

Blaise pulled me out of my thoughts when I heard him sigh. I realized suddenly that he didn't know about Gardenia and that I should maybe tell him now instead of waiting for him to find out when Granger would open her mouth at school.

He would be so mad. How could I tell him without him thinking I… "I have a sister." I suddenly blurted out, opening my eyes wide. Okay, this definitely wasn't the right way.

Blaise turned toward me, surprised.

"What do you mean?" He asked after a few minutes of silence, frowning slightly.

"I… Look Blaise I know I should have told you…. not a lot of people know it… she was a secret… I…." I stopped, pulling a hand through my hair, my speech as incoherent as my thoughts. I took a deep breath and started again. "I didn't want to tell you because I was forbidden to, not even Draco knows about her. I've been foolish enough to think that she was something we should keep out of people's knowledge because she's a squib. That's why you never met her." I sent him a small smile. I was looking at him intently, trying to gauge his reaction.

He was also watching me, confused.

"I have a sister." I repeated again. "She's five and she's special you know. She's clever, and she has so much love and compassion it's unnerving." I laughed, my eyes filling with tears. "She's so much better than all of us." I whispered. "And I know you're mad and I'm sorry, so very sorry."

"I'm not mad." Blaise said after a little while.

"Are you sure?" I asked, my voice wavering.

"We all have our secrets." He shrugged.

I nodded, smiling at him but he was looking out of the window. I went to sit next to him and took his hand in mine.

"I'm sorry."

"I know." He replied still refusing to look at me.

A few hours passed without any of us speaking. Blaise seemed to be in his own little world.

"We'll be arriving shortly." He broke the silence which had descended upon us, still looking out of the window.

"You know, you never really told me what you wanted to do after Hogwarts." I told him, looking at our hands which were still holding tightly onto each other.

"Your words make it seems like I have a choice…. Do I have a choice?" He laughed humorlessly. "I'm going to work for my dad, and once he will decide to retire I will be the one to take over the family business."

I nodded at his bitter response. "I'm sorry." I squeezed his hand.

"You shouldn't be. I at least have something to do, I know what is planned for me." He said, turning toward me.

Low blow. "Sometime it's good to live in the moment." I fired back.

"It's not the way we live here, Pansy." Blaise replied, eyeing me tiredly. "We don't have dreams, we can't afford them, and our lives are already planned out. We know who we have to marry, what job we will be doing, and the routine of each day…"

"Well, don't you think it's time to change the way we live?" I asked, cutting him off. I sighed and looked out of the window, knowing how pointless this conversation or my statement for that matter, was. Things couldn't change, it was already too engraved in people's mind.

"Not so long ago you were one of us." He said, looking at me. "You were also afraid of taking the chance of running after your dreams and you were terrified of how your parents and the wizarding world would react."

"That's true." I said, tonelessly.

"What changed?" He asked.

"Nothing." I replied at a loss.

"Pansy, I know you. You wouldn't have done any of those things if something hadn't happen."

"Gardenia." I supplied.

"Only?" He fired back.

"Everything. I didn't like me anymore." I whispered, my eyes filling with tears. How I could forget that Blaise knew me so well was beyond me.

He squeezed my hand, trying to comfort me. "You know we will talk about all of it right?"

I nodded. "I also know you're mad."

He nodded back. "Come on, I'll let you change first. We're nearly there."

I turned toward him and sent him a small grateful smile while he stood up. He smiled back and kissed my head, going out of the door and closing the curtains with him. Hopefully that talk wouldn't happen today, I was already emotionally drained.

I winked at Blaise who went to sit down next to one of his dorm mate while I continued down the Slytherin table. It was kind of good to be back, I didn't miss it but it was still great to see the candles floating above my head and the teachers supervising everything. I sat down right in the middle of the huge Slytherin table, smiling slightly.

"A place fit for a Queen." Theodore Nott smirked at me while taking a sit in front of me. "Shouldn't you be sitting with the paupers?" He asked, mentioning toward the end of the table where a few shy first years were sitting. The perfect spot if you wanted to leave the great hall quickly.

"It isn't my family who is in bankruptcy." I smiled, turning toward Dumbledore who was going to start his boring speech.

"We aren't." Nott said fiercely, his voice could barely be heard behind the booming one of the headmaster.

"Really? It isn't what I heard from my father." I smirked innocently, inclining my head a bit.

He swallowed at that, looking uncomfortable. I got you there love, I thought. Theodore's father was one of my father's friends –if we could call it like that. Sometimes they also worked together, that's how I could without a doubt pull out information about his family. I just had to listen to my father when he was in his study, making floo calls and such.

"If someone here learns about this, it would put you in a really uncomfortable place." I smiled, twirling my hair around my finger while looking at Dumbledore who was sitting down. "You wouldn't want it to spread around, would you?" I asked, turning toward him and ignoring the food which had magically appeared on the table.

He nodded, glaring at me.

"Good. Now shut it, I'm hungry."

"What do I have to do to keep you quiet?" He spoke harshly, putting food in his plate.

I laughed, looking back at him. "This conversation had only one goal and it was for you to know that I had some blackmail material on you and that, if I see you cross any lines or if I see you say or do something I don't like, I will just have to spread the little informations I have about you." I smiled, raising an eyebrow as if to emphasize my point.

"You will regret this." He told me harshly.

"I'm pretty sure I won't." I winked, smirking. "So now if you would excuse me I will start eating." I smiled, waiting for him to acknowledge my statement.

He nodded, passing a hand in his hair and went back to his plate.

"You were wrong though. If there is a Slytherin Queen it's definitely me."

"'Course, I never saw someone has bitchy." He replied with his mouth full and an angry glare.

I rolled my eyes at his foolishness. Nott was an idiot.

I sighed and dared a glimpse at the Gryffindor table. Would Draco be there with the Weasley girl? I let my eyes glide over the many red and gold ties looking for a speck of green and silver. Instead, my eyes caught those of Hermione Granger who just frowned a bit, looking confused. I nodded at her, smirking and turned back toward my food. The event of today left me absolutely famished and my search for the Slytherin prince –as if…- wouldn't do me any good.

Once I finished eating I decided to go to the owlery and write a quick letter to Gardenia. I had promised after all.

I forgot how much I could miss her. The fact that I had kind of forgotten her existence had lessened the hurt and the hole inside me I guess. How could I forget her though? This question couldn't stop turning inside my head. Was I as hopeless and cruel as other people paint me out to be? Once I had wrote the letter I put it on a beautiful white owl with black markings and watched as she flew away from the beautiful sight that the castle must have been at night.

I guess I should go back to my dorm now. It was something I was putting off on purpose. Who would want to share a dorm with snobby brats who were going to make your life a living hell? Well, not me. Maybe I should just take my stuff and go sleep in the room of requirement…. But if I chose that option people would talk again and say that I'm fragile and still hurt over Malfoy. Life was a complicated mess.

I took a deep breath once I was in front of the Slytherin common room entrance. Here we go.

I muttered the password and walked quickly until I stood next to the door of my dorm. Strong, I had to be strong… and mean, and sarcastic… they wouldn't understand sarcasm. I need to be strong, I need to be strong, I whispered to myself again and again while opening the door.

"Pansy! I missed you." Daphne grinned, opening her arms wide once she saw me cross the threshold. I frowned, taking a few steps back.

"Oh, so you learnt about my father gains then." I looked around the room at all the faces of my lovely roommates. Did they forget our arguments or something?

Daphne's smile failed a bit but came back quickly. She strode toward me to put a hand on my shoulder, winking cheerfully. Daphne being cheerful… Well the world has ended.

"We're friends Pansy." She told me softly, her lips still stretched into a fake and obnoxious wide smile.

"No. The only thing I am is rich." I told her, smiling sweetly. God, I liked being mean.

"You're not the only one." Milicent grumbled, glaring at me while Daphne took a step back.

"It might be true, but I'm still the richest." I told her in the snobby tone I mastered during my stay at Hogwarts. "Now, as I understand by your behavior, your dear parents told you to befriend me again even after Malfoy's little stunt, huh?" I asked no one in particular.

"Of course not…" Daphne started.

"Cut the crap, please." I interrupted her. "So, someone is going to answer me?"

"Even if they did, why would you care?" Millicent said snidely.

Is she an idiot? I could play with that.

I smiled slowly, formulating a plan. "Well we could make an agreement."

"An agreement?" Another eight year girl who I hadn't bothered to learn the name asked.

"Yes, you leave me alone and I will let you tell your parents that we are friends."

It was funny to watch each faces come up with a different reaction.

"What would be in it for us?" Millicent asked. "I can already lie to my parents and tell them that we are friends."

"What if our parents asked people in this school? We leave you alone and you act like one of us in public." Daphne countered. I always knew she was the brightest.

"Exactly." I nodded at Daphne. "So, do we have an accord?" I asked, looking at all of them.

"Yes." Daphne agreed, pursing her lips.

I heard a chorus of yes afterwards. I guess Daphne became their little queen.

"Well, wonderful! Now I'm going to bed, I will see you tomorrow." I winked, going to my bed and laughing.

I changed quickly and laid down on my bed, pulling the curtains around me. Maybe the end of the year wasn't going to be so bad if I could control those idiots.

Whoever said blackmail will get you anywhere was right… Well, that was me but still, I smiled, pulling the cover tightly around me.

Dear Gardenia,

I hope you are alright. It is late so my letter will be short. My journey to Hogwarts has been very good but I miss you terribly. I'm starting classes tomorrow and I will tell you all about my day in the letter that I will send you. What did you do today? I hope you had a good day.

I love you very much and I can't wait until the next holidays.

Love,

Pansy

Thank you for reading! Let me know your thoughts about this chapter ;)

Good night/ day

xoxo

PS: I'm still looking for a beta! :)