Chapter 10: Where Soul Meets Body, by Death Cab for Cutie
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new
I sat tracing circles in the sand with my fingers, the ocean water lapping at my feet. It was early—so early that the Santa Monica coastline was quiet. I was alone, except for occasional joggers on the boardwalk and early-risers sipping coffee with their newspapers.
The sun breathed it's warmth onto my back, barely peaked above the horizon. I rested my head on my knees. The moment felt surreal—too peaceful. I'd never felt so out of place by the ocean; it was usually my element. But even the steady beating of the waves at my feet somehow felt wrong.
I didn't fit in this place, with all these happy people and their normal lives, and the sun shining and the ocean calm, not with all of the dark and turbulence inside my head.
It felt like I was sweating out an endless fever. I wanted to dive into the cool water and scrub my skin, and keep scrubbing until every speck of dirt and baggage and memory was washed away.
But I couldn't, and I felt so damn dirty that it hurt. Cursed. Marked, like I had some sort of disease. I would contaminate all of the good, happy people with my misery just by being around them. And this, I supposed, was what it felt like to be truly alone—to be surrounded with people, but trapped behind an invisible barrier that separated you from them.
Cause in my head there's a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they're far more suited than here
I felt someone sit besides me, but didn't look up.
"It's kind of early, you know," Annabeth said.
"Well, I couldn't sleep, but hey—what else is new?" I tried to keep the bitterness from my voice.
"Being dark and twisty again?" she asked. A wry smile crept onto my face.
"That's me—dark and twisty."
"You should start wearing black eyeliner and chains, and carrying around signs that say 'screw the world'," she said, resting her head on her knees as well.
"Yeah, well Thalia wouldn't want me stealing her look," I countered, grinning. "We should put my biography on . It'd get, like, a million hits."
"Percy Jackson Mc-Emo," she said with a giggle. We looked at each other. The sunrise reflected in her eyes, making their storm-grey irises gleam translucently.
I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain
"You can't stay out here forever, you know," she said quietly. I stayed stubbornly silent. "Running away from your problems isn't the same as solving them."
"I'll be sure to store that one away somewhere, in my mental book of proverbs and sayings."
"Percy, I'm serious," she said. "You're going to have to go back eventually and own up to it."
"I consulted the oracle, you know," I said abruptly. I didn't know why I was telling her this. "Want to know what it told me?"
She didn't say anything.
"It said that I was going to sacrifice my life to save another. So even if we win, I'm still going to die." I stared straight out ahead, unable to look at her. The ocean glittered as the rising sun cast it's glow upon it. It felt like something from a dream—beautiful but surreal.
"Isn't that such crap? Isn't that the stupidest piece of crap you've ever heard?" My voice broke. I looked down.
I'd never felt more trapped in my own head, my own body. I'd never wished more intensely that I could be somebody else…anybody else. It seemed so childish to think 'why me?', but I couldn't help it. It wasn't fair—it just wasn't! I felt like such a selfish brat for thinking it, but I was scared. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it from myself, even if I was going to do my damnedest to hide it from everyone else.
My eyes were stinging but I refused to wipe them on my sleeve. Annabeth still hadn't said anything. She rested her head on my shoulder and cupped her hand into mine, tracing pictures on the sand. The warmth of the sunrise felt so far away.
My eyes burned, but I gazed out past the shining water, unable to find the blurred line where sky met sea. Everything was illuminated. Our silhouettes traced shadows, like two dark angels, out of place in paradise.
I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere.
A/N: Another angsty chapter! Sorry, I can't help it. More to come, guys, so review please!!!!
--JR