Recommended companion reading: "Bubbly" Ch. 10.
Just call me angel of the morning, Angel
2012
It was almost a year now that Joe lived with his brother, and he was still amazed at just how patient the man could be. The first day Joe had been out of the hospital, Shin had given him a tour of the apartment.
"I'm going to give you the master bedroom, all the way at the end of the hall there. It was Shuu's before he left and I've been too busy with school to move my stuff in there anyway. The best part, the best thing about this place?" Shin had run his hand down the frame of the door and smiled at his brother. "No locks. Nothing on the outside, at least. You're free to come and go as you please."
Something so small, something so simple, and yet Joe couldn't stop the smile that crossed his face. Couldn't stop himself from repeating his brothers motion. He would still hear that deadbolt in his dreams, probably until the day he died, but now he would never have to fear it again.
"There's a police station a few blocks away," Shin continued, knowing just how happy he'd made his brother – how happy he and Shuu had been when they had discovered the same thing. "So the whole neighborhood is totally safe. You'll hear sirens every now and then, and they're mostly in the middle of the night, but we thought it was pretty worth it."
There was a second bedroom, Shin's room. At first glance, it was a terrifying reminder of home with medical textbooks overflowing off bookshelves, anatomy magazines splayed out across the desk, study guides taped to the wall to read while falling asleep. But then he saw them: movie posters plastering the walls, stacks of DVDs hidden next to the textbooks, and even a small TV shoved off in the corner – all things Shou would have murdered his children for even thinking of having.
The third bedroom, Shin explained, had been Jun's for a while and when she moved out, it had become an all-around storage/office space. Which meant it held an extra bed as well as boxes and boxes of stuff.
"Some dishes, a lot of clothes and sheets, just a bunch of junk that I don't even remember buying." He had shrugged. "You're welcome to rifle through it if you want."
"I'll be fine," Joe told him. "I don't really know what to say to all this..."
"You don't have to say anything." Shin had wrapped Joe in a hug tight enough to irritate his still-healing ribs. He took a shaky breath and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Joe..."
As Shin promised, police sirens screamed all night long. Joe could see the cars racing down the street from his window, his new room pulsing red and blue over and over as his tongue probed the hole in his gum line. The doctors who had signed his release papers told him to set up a dental appointment to get an implant for it and the chipped tooth that was next to it. For hours before he fell asleep, he would get up to randomly open his door. To leave his room at will and explore whenever he wanted to, not just when he was allowed to. Around three A.M., when he was walking to the kitchen for the fifth time, Shin poked his head out of his room and gave a sleepy smile as Joe stammered apologies.
"We did the same thing," Shin said with a yawn. He emerged, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge. "I can't tell you how tired we were, all the time, because we couldn't stop ourselves from just... leaving. Just walking around and not having anything thrown at us, or yelled at, or hit." He swallowed half the bottle and put it back. "Just be sure to get some rest. We have a big day tomorrow."
"What are we doing?" Joe grabbed his own water just because he could. Just because he could eat or drink anything he wanted and not be in trouble.
"We're going shopping."
Shin had to go grocery shopping, anyway, he explained as he drove his brother down the street. But this would be the perfect opportunity for Joe to redecorate Shuu's old room. "New bedding, new clothes, all that stuff."
When Joe protested that what was already provided was fine, Shin made a face at him. "I could hear them at night, and God knows what he and Jun did when I wasn't there - I'm sure you don't want to sleep in that."
Joe mirrored the expression and found that he had to agree. They pulled up to a Lawson's that was just down the street.
"I'm going to get some stuff for dinner. Why don't you go pick out some new sheets while we're here, and we'll get some clothes at the Junes later?"
Joe watched his brother grab a hand basket and start towards the groceries. For a moment, he was lost. Even when he had been allowed out of the house on non-school business, he had always been given a task and a time in which to complete it. For his brother to simply give him the freedom to do whatever he wanted, it was wonderful. In fact, he was certain that if he said he didn't want to get new sheets, Shin would tell him that was all right as well.
But Shin was right – he didn't want to sleep in whatever Shuu and Jun had left behind, so he hurried toward the Home section.
Shin decided that curry would be good for the night, so he filled his basket with fresh vegetables and bags of rice, cans of coconut milk and a new jar of curry paste. The basket on his arm was getting heavy, and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself if he made it to the candy isle. Even after eleven years of freedom, he still took complete advantage over it whenever he could.
"You just about ready, Joe?" he called, sneaking in a few candy bars under the carrots. Shin walked over to Joe who was holding a basic set of sheets. "... White?"
"Oh, um, yes?" Joe misunderstood Shin's blank look. "W-well, I didn't mean to take so long, but I can't remember what size bed I have. I mean, I'm not even sure what size I had at Dad's, so I was, was trying to think about how big it was and how big Shuu's bed was and -"
"That's not it," Shin sighed. He snatched the sheets from Joe's hands, swallowing the guilt at making his brother flinch, and said, "Not white. You're here to get something for you, not Shou."
Joe pouted at the sheet set that was put back, but he couldn't deny that Shin was right. The only thing he had ever been provided for his room were plain, thin, white sheets. But to actually choose his own? It was an embarrassing realization that after twenty four years, he didn't even have a favorite color.
It was the first time that he realized Shin's patience, as his brother waited while he looked over what would have been a simple decision for any normal person. But for Joe, his would be the first time he did something, chose something, solely because he wanted it. Did he want something bright? Something dark? Pink, blue, gray, animal print, striped?
He reached out after almost a half hour, not even knowing he was doing so at first, and grabbed a set he hadn't seen when he was looking before. He thought Shin would be upset, get angry, as it was so close to the plain hospital white, only now with deep purple splotches that called up the memory of his lost soul-bonded friend.
But Shin just smiled, saying softly, "I didn't know him for that long, but I miss him too. He made you human long before me and Shuu could."
Slowly, Shuu's belongings were replaced, shoved to the empty third bedroom, so that Joe could have room for his own things. His brother's room was slowly becoming his room, setting up a computer and a television, finding posters at the Lawson, even tracking down an early copy of the Teenage Wolves first single to play in an old, huge boombox he bought at a thrift store. His Gomamon-printed sheets, however, were his favorite part of his whole room.
Nana managed to track him down after a few days, dragging a sickly looking Shinjiro with her. She handed him a Wal-Mart bag, telling him with a strained smile, "I brought you some supplies for you to set up an altar: some candles, incense, that kind of junk. I'll go with you once day and we'll get stuff to make a broom and track down some a Goddess statue – there's this really cool Witch shop in Shibuya I go to all the time and -"
Shinjiro suddenly fell into a deep coughing fit, and Nana rubbed his back soothingly while Joe directed them to the couch.
"I'm not contagious," Shinjiro said quickly, almost collapsing while trying to sit. Nana held him steady, still trying desperately to tell herself that he was going to be ok.
"Did you find out what it was?" Joe asked. He set his bag of supplies down on the kitchen island and began hunting around for cups, still unused to the layout.
Shinjiro paused and Nana pouted. "No," he lied.
"He refuses to tell me," Nana whined, and Shinjiro just gave her a reassuring smile. Though it was slightly dampened by the fact that a drop of blood could still be seen at the corner of his mouth. The woman just glowered at her boyfriend, getting up to help Joe in his search for the glasses.
"I'm super-duper worried," she whispered, joining her friend in the kitchen. "Ever since he got out of the hospital, he's been so... tired. So withdrawn. He keeps saying he's ok, but I'm really worried about him."
Joe found the coffee mugs in a lower cabinet, pulling three out and setting them on the counter just in time to catch Nana as she fell into him, crying quietly on his shoulder. "We've always been able to talk about everything ever since we were kids. That he's keeping secrets now..."
Joe pet her hair back, taking extra care to nudge her butterfly clip. "He just doesn't want you to worry. I understand completely how he is. Just... give him some time, ok?"
Nana just pouted and Joe could hear what she didn't want to say, "I've given him years to tell me and he won't."
Joe gave her a comforting squeeze. "It'll be fine, I promise."
Joe looked at the cell phone in his hands. Brand new, shiny touchscreen, both speakers working – it was almost a dream come true.
"I've been needing to update my phone anyway, so you just got lucky," Shin lied with an easy smile as they walked out of the store.
"I really appreciate it," Joe breathed. "Since it was my old phone that got me..."
Shin patted him on the back and laughed. "Take a day to play around with it – I took a whole week."
And so Joe did. Between school and shifts at the hospital, even while at the dentist's office waiting to get his tooth implant, he was on his phone, finding out intricacies to it others had mastered for years. But the first thing he did, before he figured out downloading anything, was dial the first number that came to mind – the only number he knew by heart while everyone else had been a click in his old phone.
"This is Matt," came the voice that still made him melt.
"H-hey, it's Joe," he began, cursing his unsteady voice. He was glad this wasn't in person, as he was already blushing.
"Joe?" There was a pause and a rustle of paper. "Hey man, it's been a while. Did you get a new number?"
"Yeah, it's a... long... long story. I'm living in Koto, now, with Shin."
"Finally out from under that old bastard's thumb?" Matt sounded prouder than Shin when he had come home the first time with a simple poster, bought all on his own. "You're going to fill me in, right?"
"Eventually," Joe agreed. But not all the full details, as he was sure Matt would track Shou down and give him another beating, jail cell or no. "How is Tokyo University?"
"Holy. Shit." Matt laughed, an exhausted, excited laugh. "Thank goodness for you and Izzy, man. I'm up to my eyeballs in homework, and the semester just started. I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to become an astronaut."
"It was probably whatever you were smoking back in high school," Joe said, an amused smile tugging at his lips.
Matt groaned. "How many times do I have to tell everyone, I didn't do any of that shit. Just a few cigarettes or so."
"Oh, you mean about a pack a day?" Joe couldn't help but tease. "And a couple bottles of liquor to wash it all down?"
"Ok, ok. I did go a little overboard for a while – don't say anything – but me, and my tarred lungs, and my struggling liver are getting better, damnit."
Joe laughed, leaning back as he listened to Matt just talk, like there was nothing wrong in the world. Like they were just two friends, who had never fought, never fallen out of love, never tried so precariously to go back to the way they had been. The mindless chatter filled his days, his breaks, his nights. Matt had given him the other Childrens' phone numbers, but he knew he didn't spend half as much time talking to them combined as he did with Matt.
So he was rather confused one day in February when Izzy knocked on his door. Shin was out, running errands and letting Joe have plenty of time, and freedom, to study for his upcoming final exams.
"Oh, hey, Izzy," Joe smiled as he let his friend inside. He blushed when the man noticed the incense burning on the table next to a mess of study guides, and he hurried over to snuff it out and straighten up. "Sorry, my friend Nana brought over some stuff to help me study, and I wasn't expecting visitors. How are you and Tai, by the way, it's been a while since I've seen you two."
"We've been fine," Izzy said. Joe offered tea and the redhead held up his hand to wave him off politely.
"Judging by that rock, I'd say more than 'fine'," Joe said, looking at the thin gold band around Izzy's finger. He didn't want to be jealous as he reached out, looking the engagement ring over. "When did Tai have time to find this? I thought he'd been so busy on the National Soccer team lately."
"He proposed on Valentine's Day," Izzy admitted with a shy, proud smile. "We haven't set a date yet, but it'll be soon, we're sure. In fact," Izzy gave a tiny smile, "I came over to ask you something."
"I hope it's not for advice," Joe laughed. "I haven't dated anyone in..." Sleeping with Matt when he was eleven probably didn't count as dating, and he still held true to his promise to never bring it up, even with someone like Izzy. "Ever, really... That's kind of sad, isn't it?"
"I don't believe I'm one to pass judgment on such matters," Izzy said evenly, with an obvious blush and Joe just continued to laugh at him. "However, there is still the matter of my inquiry..."
"If you promise to talk like a human being again." It was adorable how formal Izzy became when he was flustered.
"I was hoping that, once the date is set, that," Izzy swallowed hard. "That you would agree to be my best man."
Joe smiled. "Of course I would. Why would I say no to that?"
"Because Matt has already agreed to be Tai's best man..."
"Don't worry about that," Joe told his friend with a gentle shake of his head. "I got over it years ago – I promise. We're just... good friends now."
"I see..." Izzy didn't believe him, just like Nana never did. "Either way, I'm glad you agreed. I don't mean to be impolite and leave straight away, but we still need to call Mimi, try and find a date between all of Tai's practice camps, find the rest of our groomsmen..."
"Nana's been planning her wedding since she was seven, believe me, I know how stressful it can be." Joe patted Izzy on the back, swallowing the jealousy at the proud, loving look he could see in his friend's eyes. "And if you ever really start feeling that stress, just give me a call. Nana's been dying to find someone besides me to teach yoga. She's really good at it, you know."
"That sounds very enjoyable." Izzy gave him a sudden hug, a testament to how much Tai had influenced his now-fiancee over the years. "I'll stay in touch with you, and as soon as we set a date I'll call you first."
It was on a hot June day, in a small chapel decked out in soft orange and pale purple, that Tai and Izzy married. Mimi had flown herself in from America off the set of her first movie, blowing off the premier so that she could attend the ceremony she had so meticulously planned out. Yolie, Cody and Joe wore the matching lavender to Izzy while Matt stood next to Kari and Davis, each of them looking well in pastel orange. The priest was caring, careful enough not to mention the absence of Tai's parents nor the fight that had broken out earlier.
Joe didn't want to admit it, especially not in front of Matt, how TK's words had hurt. The young blonde had lost himself in religion since the closure of the Digital Gates and subsequent loss of Patamon, pulling close all the messages of his priest and Church. Neither of which seemed to agree too well with Joe's particular life choices.
"I still can't believe that little bastard," Matt growled at the bar. He was nursing a beer (or three, Joe noted), every now and then rubbing his sore knuckles. It had been a while since he'd punched anyone, and he'd caught his knuckle on his little brother's teeth. "Calling you a f-... that. Calling Tai and Izzy that - on their wedding day!"
"Izzy sure put him in his place, though," Joe said, still proud of his shy friend who was currently squawking on the dance floor as Tai dragged him to the middle of it, ignoring his new husband's protests. "Better than you did, and he didn't even raise his voice."
"Oh shut up," Matt laughed, and Joe lost himself in the noise. How wonderful it would be, in the perfect romantic atmosphere, to tell him how he felt. How he'd felt his whole life, despite their spats. But Matt finished his beer and stepped away quickly, stumbling over his feet. "'m not drunk, I swear – I'm not a lightweight, not since I was fifteen. I'm just gonna check up on Kari before she leaves. She's my in-law now, you know."
Joe couldn't stop that flash of hurt from crossing his face, and he was glad Matt suddenly couldn't look at him. But he composed himself quickly, saying, "She's been your in-law since her and TK -"
"That motherfucker," Matt spat, pointedly using that exact curse.
"- got married last year," Joe finished. He sighed and looked at his phone, glad he no longer had to hide such a commonplace piece of technology. "It's getting late, so I think I'll be going. You don't think Izzy'll mind, do you?"
The duo looked to their freshly married friend, arms draped over Tai's shoulders, gazing deeply into his husband's eyes. They were completely lost to everything but themselves, slow dancing to a death metal song Mimi had snuck onto their wedding CD as Davis moshed next to them with Yolie and a slightly uncomfortable, but very happy, Ken.
"I think they'll be fine," Matt chuckled. He glanced over his shoulder to smile at Joe, and the blue haired man wondered at the blush he saw there. He told himself it was just the alcohol catching up with him as Matt said, almost too soft to be heard, "Take care of yourself. I'll... talk... to you soon."
Joe nodded, trying not to look like he was running from the bar. Running from Matt.
He was in the taxi on his way home, fumbling with his phone in the backseat, telling himself over and over that he wouldn't give in and call Matt this very instant when it began vibrating wildly. He yelped, making the driver give him a strange look in the rearview mirror.
"S-sorry," he apologized sheepishly. The picture on his phone was Nana in her scrubs after her first day in her clinic. Her hair was a mess, her butterfly clip barely hanging on, and there was blood and vomit dripping down her front, but she was grinning from ear to ear, fingers raised in a V. "Nana, hey, I -"
"Joe, I, I..." Nana was sobbing loudly, static filling the line as she held the phone too close to her mouth. "It's t-terrible and, oh, Gods..."
"Nana! Nana, calm down." Joe clutched his cell, as though he was holding her. "What happened?"
"It's Sh-Sh-Shinji... He, he," she sobbed loudly, hitting a button with her cheek and making it beep. "Stupid fucking thing!"
"Nana, take a breath," Joe practically pleaded. The driver was now looking over his shoulder more than he was looking at traffic. "Pranayama, right? In then out, in then -"
"Fuck pranayama!" Nana shrieked and Joe jerked the phone away from his ear with a wince. "Fuck Shinji, fuck his mom, fuck everything!" Then she sobbed again, sniffling directly into the speaker.
"Ok, ok, I agree: fuck everything." Joe rubbed his ear, putting his phone back hesitantly. "Nana, tell me right now what happened."
"It's stupid – I'm stupid – but Shinji... Shinjiro he... he..." She hiccupped, huffing and puffing almost until she was hyperventilating. "Shinji broke up with me!"
"What?!" Joe yelped. "Why did he do that?"
"I don't know!" Nana cried. There was the sound of a train whistle, of uncomfortable people moving around suddenly. "Because he's a butthead! Because he hates me! B-because he's been cheating on me!"
"He cheated?" That didn't sound like the man Joe had known for years. Not at all. "Did you catch him?"
"No..."
"Did he tell you?"
"No..."
"Did someone else tell you?"
"No! No, no, no! He just broke up with me!" Nana sniffled, and Joe heard the familiar tones of a manic state setting in. "But I'll get him – I swear I'll get him!"
"Nana, what are you doing? N-Nana! Where are you?!" Joe waved at his driver to get his attention, not realizing they'd already pulled over.
"I'm at the train station. Oh, he'll be sorry all right. He'll be damn sorry when they have to scrape me off the tracks. Then who'll be upset? Huh, huh?! Probably not him!"
"Shit," Joe cursed. He looked to the driver, who was watching this meltdown with an amused eyebrow raised. "I need you to get me to the station, as fast as you can, please!"
"For you and that little yappy thing, sure," the driver laughed and Joe made a face at him. When he wasn't looking, of course.
They reached the train station in minutes and Joe flung practically his whole wallet at the driver, who was still laughing. He resisted the urge to flip him off, telling himself it would waste precious seconds. The trains were still running normally, and there were no drivers announcing sudden delays for "maintenance" like the last time someone had stood on the tracks. There was, however, a nervous looking crowd, and a loud wailing coming from down the platform.
"Nana!" Joe cried, racing over. "Nana, it's ok, I swear!"
He shoved through a throng of businessmen who were mumbling about their own daughters, and pushed aside a nosy, brittle old woman with the face of a rat who was on her own phone, loudly complaining about the mental states of "too-pretty teens". Nana herself was sitting on the bench, still clutching her own cell and crying into it like she was talking to someone. She was in her scrubs, dark patches of old blood stained down the front mixing with tears that washed her makeup down her cheeks in black and tan rivers.
"Nana?" Joe knelt next to his friend, taking her hand in his. "Nana, are you there?" Just like talking to his mother.
"J... Joe?" Nana looked at her phone for a moment before focusing on the person by her feet. Her eyes were red from crying, and her voice was cracking. "Joe, I... Shinji, he..."
"You told me," Joe whispered, trying to give her a comforting smile. He stood slowly, taking Nana's elbow in his hand and helping her to unsteady feet. "Nana, listen to me. I'm going to take you home, ok?"
She was looking at him like she had no idea who he was, and he hoped a station officer wasn't about to approach. Finally she blinked a fresh set of tears and nodded. "I don't want to go to my home, Joe..."
"Then I'll take you to mine." Joe smiled as he led her away, Nana floating wraith-like beside him. He held her gently but firmly, just in case she tried to bolt for the tracks. "And we'll just sit and watch TV. Shin's not there, so it'll be just us, ok?"
"O... Ok."
Joe's cab was still sitting there, the driver smiling as he approached. "This your little yappy dog from the phone?"
"Just take us home," Joe grumbled, pouring Nana into the backseat with him. She was so lost in her own mind, eyes looking through everything they set on.
"Sure, sure." He driver held up Joe's cash and laughed. "I have more than enough here."
Joe rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to Nana. He reached out to stroke her arm, whispering softly to her. He tried everything he could to get her to come back to reality, talked to her about every little thing under the sun, asked after her mother and her studies. She just mumbled, over and over, wordless noises under her breath.
After a while, Joe sighed and sat back. He looked around and yelped, yelling at the driver, "No, I said Koto! Not Kyoto! We need to turn back." He looked out the window as the driver made a face. "Go there - that way."
"Your little yappy dog says this is good enough for her," the driver said with a roll of his eyes.
"Nana?" Joe looked just in time for Nana to slam the door in his face. She had stepped out of the cab, walking directly into the street. "Nana, damnit!"
As Joe ran after her, the driver poked his head out the window, calling out, "Hey! My fare!"
"You said that was plenty," Joe snapped. Then he did flip him off. With both fingers. "Nana, wait!"
He just managed to snatch Nana out of the street and drag her to the sidewalk. She was crying again, silent tears falling once after another.
"Nana, you can't just walk out of a taxi."
"Why not?" Nana asked. She wasn't sniffling anymore, now just resigned to feeling bleak and empty. "What do I have left?"
"Shinjiro's not the only guy," Joe tried. He ignored that little voice in his head that called him a hypocrite, drowning it out with his own words. "C'mon, Nana, you can't just kill yourself because of him. There's plenty more to live for."
"Like what?" Nana looked to the street as the light changed, cars flashing by all too quickly for Joe's liking.
"Like? Uh..." Joe didn't have much experience in this, only recently discovering what it was to live for himself. "Your family for one – your mom's all the way out in Kanto, isn't she? And you said she was all alone since your dad died." Nana just lowered her head, and Joe tried to think of something that wasn't dead relatives. "Y-your job! Your clinic said that you were the best nurse they have, and you're not even a resident yet. Just a few more years and you could be the youngest head nurse there!" Nana was sniffling again, hands shaking. "Shit, uh... Damnit, Nana, don't loose it over a guy. Believe me, it sucks!"
"But without Shinjiro, I don't have a future. Even more than wanting to be a nurse, I've only ever wanted to be Shinji's wife. I wanted to have a family with him, raise a kid and a dog and listen to him bitch about a 'stinking dead-end job' when he comes home every night. Without Shinjiro, I don't have anything."
"Shinjiro doesn't have to be the one," Joe tried. She was talking coherently, which was more than he'd gotten in the past hour. "I'm sure there some other guys out there, a great guy, who will love you and your kid and dog and his dead-end job."
"Who?" Nana pressed.
"I don't know – someone! Anyone!" Joe looked around. "Maybe that guy, or that guy over there." Maybe not that last guy, he looked like a creeper as close to the park as he was.
"What about you?"
Joe looked down. Nana was peering at him intently, as though she'd never seen him before in her life. "What?!"
"What about you?" Nana pressed. "Why can't you be my guy?"
"B-because I'm gay, Nana. That kind of means I don't like women like that."
Nana threw her foot down and pouted, looking like she did whenever Shinjiro would tease her. "Then don't be my guy forever – just for tonight. If Shinji can go around and cheat on me, well, I can damn sure cheat on him!" She grabbed Joe desperately. "Just one time, I promise! Sleep with me once, and I'll be ok."
"Nana, I, I can't..."
"Fine. I'll just go walk in the street then!"
Joe grabbed her as she whirled around, pulling her close as she struggled in his grasp. "Damnit, Nana! You can't just kill yourself whenever someone won't sleep with you!"
"Just once!" she screamed. "Just once, please, and then I'll be ok! Joe, please..."
Joe ignored the look the creeper in the park gave him as she dragged Nana down the street. He ignored the look the woman at the counter gave him as he reached into Nana's purse for her wallet. He ignored the sounds coming from every room at this time on day on a Sunday. He ignored it when Nana stripped herself, screaming with rage when her shirt caught on her butterfly clip. He ignored it when she grabbed the heirloom from her hair and flung it across the room, one wing snapping and sending diamonds and emeralds all over the floor.
"W-well?" Nana asked, voice soft. She looked like she was ignoring him, too, as she crawled into the heart-shaped bed.
Joe turned out all the pink lamps, but there was still enough light from the hallway creeping in to see Nana even as he undressed. He found himself on top of her, realizing that he'd only done this once. With a boy. When he was eleven.
Nana cried the whole time, holding Joe close and whining Shinjiro's name miserably, over and over. Any time he tried to pull away, pretend like he was finished, Nana would just bury her head into his shoulder and whimper, beg him to not let her go.
When it was over, she turned away, sobbing into the pillow and Joe sat there, wondering what he'd just done.