Though I was pregnant, I refused to keep from dancing. It would keep me and my baby healthy, at least until it got to be too much. Once I started to show I decided to tone it down a bit. I hit the three month mark, and things were looking quite well.

It was the first week of March. Much-needced storms had been coming thru the area, bringing with it fog and rain. I had always loved storms. One cool morning it was a mite bit gray out, yet most of the fog had lifted, so I decided to head out to town to pick up a few things. I took my car, deciding not to risk getting hit by lightening. Kurt was still asleep; he was still exhausted from helping Logan put the new bookshelves in the main hall. The poor guys had stayed up all night working on them, and Kurt finally crashed at about three that morning. So I left him a note and was gone.

Humming along to the radio as I drove home, I changed stations a few times until I finally found a song I liked, and I turned onto the highway back towards the school. Everything seemed to have fallen into place! I was going to be a mother, and I was married to the most wonderful man in all the world, the baby's father. I couldn't have been happier.
Except, when I was almost home, I didn't notice the truck that lost control of his car and slid on the slick highway. Slamming into the side of my little Honda, he sent me sailing- and screaming. My car rolled and flipped its way to the median before landing on its back. That's when I blacked out.

"Unh... Kurt?"

"Erin? Oh God, God! Professor! She's awake!"

"Rogue? Wha... Where's my husband?"

"Erin?" The Professor's calm voice reached my ears. "Erin, can you open your eyes?"

I slowly did as he said, and squinted at the light from the medical facility. I held up my hands. They both looked quite beaten. Turning my head to look to my right I could see my reflection in the side of a metal table. If I thought my hands were bad, it was nothing compared to my face. "Oh my God... Professor, what..."
"You were in an accident, Erin..."

"My baby, how is my baby?"

"There isn't..."
"My baby! How is she?"

The professor looked at me, desparate and sad. "I... Erin, I am so sorry... but I'm afraid your baby was lost to us."

For a moment I couldn't process what had just been said to me. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. "She... what?"

"The baby was lost in the accident."

"Honey..." Rogue took my hand; her eyes were red. "Oh my God, I am so sorry..." And I couldn't help it. I cried for a long time. Rogue held me and tried to comfort me as best she could; the Professor went to get Kurt. When he finally did show up, he was shaking. Rogue gave us some time alone.

"Kleines..." He took me in his arms. "Oh, I was so scared... I thought I was to lose the both of you... Erin? Darling?"

"Oh, God," I sobbed. "He didn't tell you, did he?"

"Tell me what, darling?"

The next month and a half were the lowest six weeks of my life. I didn't eat. I barely slept. I didn't even dance. They trained my replacement, and promised me a spot once things started to look up. But things didn't look up. Kurt and I started to fight quite often. There would be nights I would cry myself to sleep. I desperately wanted things to be the way they were before we'd lost the baby. Some nights I would like awake for hours; Kurt would climb into bed quietly. "Erin?"

And I would pretend to be asleep. That's when I would quietly cry until I actually was.

One night I went straight from my last class, which ended at eight-thirty, to our room and started to get ready for bed right away. Kurt was getting some papers together to pack up for the next day. We didn't say much as I came in.

"I'm going to get some dinner... do you want any, Erin?"

I shook my head. "No, I... I'm fine, thanks. Jubilee brought me something earlier."

Kurt nodded. I pulled my nightshirt over my head, taking a seat on my side of the bed, my back to Kurt.

"Erin, I..." Kurt started, but he sighed. "Why do we not talk anymore, kleines?" It was the first time since we'd lost the baby he'd called me by his pet name for me. I could feel a pang in my heart, yet as he spoke, I still couldn't bring myself to say anything at all. "I... I miss you..." There was pain in his voice.

I just couldn't say anything. I couldn't bring myself to utter a word. Kurt sighed, and I could see him shake his head from the corner of my eye.

"Kurt..." I moaned softly, wiping at my eyes. "I miss you, too, I..." I turned to face him, but found myself alone in our room.

I tried so hard to stay awake for him to come back but was gone when he finally did.

"Erin? Erin, wake up."

"Huh? What... what's going on?" It was the middle of the night; I could hear the rain pouring down around us outside. I looked over next to me. Kurt was still gone. Hadn't he ever come back? "Where's Kurt?"

"Well, he..." Storm sniffed. "He's outside."
"What? What in the world is he doing out there? He's gonna catch a cold, he--"

Storm didn't say anything, but I could tell by the look in her eyes I should check it out.

I followed Storm out to the front of the school, where the stone steps led down to a large, beautiful grassy area, in which we had set up a stone commemorating our friend Jean. The rain continued to come down in sheets; lightening flashed. And yet I could hear something over the rain and the thunder. The lightening went off again, and with its help I found Kurt, in his pajamas, leaning against Jean's memorial, crying.

"Kurt?"

My husband looked up at me with the saddest look I'd ever seen on anyone's face. I could see his heart break in his eyes. I ran out to him, and he started to walk off!

"Kurt, wait!" I grabbed his arm.

"No, Erin!" He wheeled around to face me. "No...! It is all my fault!"

"Wha... what, sweetheart? What's your fault?"

"The baby!" He wailed in greif. "Losing the baby was my fault!"

I gaped at him. "Kurt, how was losing the baby your fault?"

"Look at me! It is God's punishment... He has forsaken me, because I am like this..." Kurt crumpled to the ground.

For a moment I couldn't speak. It made sense now, why he'd rarely talk to me. "Oh my God, you think you being a mutant is your fault? God is not punishing you for being a mutant! Losing the baby had nothing to do with you being a mutant, and it had nothing to do with God!" I got down on my knees next to him and sat on my ankles, putting a hand on his shoulder. I had been raised Unitarian and I knew how much Kurt's faith meant to him. I could feel a knot form in my throat. "Look at us, Kurt! You are not forsaken! Neither am I, because... because we found each other!" I made him look at me; our eyes met. "We found each other."

He started to cry again, this time crawling into my arms, burying his face in my neck. "Erin... Erin, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... please... God forgive me..."

"I love you, Kurt." Breaking, my heart healed itself as I held my husband and cried. Finally, after a minute or so, the rain let up, but we were already drenched. Rogue ran out with a couple towels.

"Come here, sweetheart..." I wrapped Kurt in one of the towels as he continued to shudder with sobs. "Hey... hey! Oh, Kurt... look at me." I tilted his face to make him look me in the eye. And for a moment I couldn't say or do anything, other than cradle him in my arms and smile. "I'm here to take you home," I finally whispered.

And I'd never really thought about it until then, but the smile Kurt returned to me was the first I'd seen him give since before the baby was lost to us. He smiled up at me, a smile I remembered from a not too-distant dream... a dream of Christmas presents and birthday parties, of lazy Sundays on the couch with reruns of the X-Files and a bowl of ice cream.

He nodded. "Let's go home."

Translations

Deora Ar Mo Chroi: Celtic, meaning "tears of my heart."

NOTES

Oh, dear, I hate to leave you on a sad and dreary note, but I promise you that things are going to look up for the Wagner family. But I also wanted you to know that it might take me a while to write some more, as I am now going to start getting into X3... although I will let Kurt and Erin recover a bit after their terrible loss. ;)

For now... cheers:D