(A/N: I had too much fun writing this one.)
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A slight hush fell over the crowd when Envy and Kimblee returned, and a number of heads swiveled in their direction. It didn't help that Envy, who's appearance was unusual at the best of times, was still spattered here and there with blood. It seemed unnerved by the attention of the pub-goers, glaring around as though daring any of them to do something stupid.
There was a flicker of surprise in Greed's eyes when he saw them, but he played it off with casual ease.
"Well well, looks who's back." He grinned, making remarkable display of his teeth. "How was your 'alone time'?"
"Cold and filled with dead hobos." Envy responded flatly, sliding into a bar stool on Greed's right. "Thanks for asking."
"Always knew you were the kinky type, behemoth."
"That nickname is getting old, asshole. Shame you're name's not Originality."
"Not a sin. Shame your name isn't 'remotely attractive'."
"Also not a sin, fuck-face."
"My favorite thing about the two of you?" Kimblee said, taking a seat beside Envy. "Your maturity." He glanced at Envy. "Um, can I offer you a drink?"
"Don't waste your time." Greed said with a snort. "You've seen Envy's true form. To get Envy drunk, it would have to consume enough alcohol to get the monster drunk too."
"Really?" He looked back to Envy.
"We assume so." Envy said, shrugging. "All I know is I drank Greed under the table once, and no one does that – Gluttony doesn't count – so there has to be something weird to do with my body and blood-alcohol levels." Envy grinned. "Such a happy night – do you even remember? Sloth had to drag you home by the hair."
"That was entirely unnecessary, by the way." Greed said, frowning. "He could have at least dragged me by the leg or something."
"I'd've thought you'd be bothered more by what we drew on your face." Envy said.
"Yeah. You're a shitty artist." Greed responded.
"You're a shitty canvas."
"Only an amateur blames their failure on their tools."
"I blame you and you're a tool. If that makes me an amateur then so be it."
Monique chose that moment to nudge Kimblee's arm.
"Who is that?" She inquired quietly, as Greed and Envy continued to bicker.
"Greed's sibling."
"Brother or sister?"
Kimblee hesitated. "…Yes?"
Monique rolled here eyes. "Fucking demon slut. Kick 'im the hell out if he didn't bring in so much cash. Speaking of, 'nother White Drachmann for ya?"
"Yes." With Envy and Greed carrying on the way they were, he suspected he would need it.
"You should take on her shape, leviathan." Greed was saying, tilting his head in the direction of a particularly attractive woman at the far end of the pub. "I'd make you scream all night."
Envy wanted to scream as it was. However, it merely gave Greed a coolly amused look.
"If was going to be your whore, Greed, you'd have to pay me."
"Maybe I would pay you."
"You'd have to pay pretty well."
"Name your price, leviathan."
You, not calling me that anymore?
"Your balls, severed and wrapped in Christmas gift paper."
Greed laughed heartily.
That was one thing about Greed, Envy reflected, he was not afraid to laugh at a joke that's at his expense. And then, somehow, since he was laughing, it wasn't at his expense at all.
Envy hated him so much.
Maybe I should try laughing every time he makes an allusion to my true form.
No, the act would be pathetically obvious. So much more satisfying just to attack him.
Greed is Greed, I am Envy; I can't change that.
Although…
"I'd change into you for no charge at all." Envy said sweetly. "You love yourself so much; you'd enjoy it more than that bitch over there. And then you actually could go fuck yourself."
Greed laughed again, louder this time. Some people have belly-laughs, Greed had body-laughs. Envy wondered how many people Greed won over, just with that laugh alone.
Meanwhile, Kimblee was beginning to feel rather left out. He wondered if Greed and Envy weren't actually soul-mates, underneath their mutual loathing.
"Well then, seeing as you won't oblige me." Greed stood up, stretching. "I'll have to try for the real thing. Don't wait up." Over Envy's head, he gave Kimblee a sly look that said, here, it's all yours.
"That's rude!" Envy exclaimed as Greed made his way towards his night's target. "Weren't you his date?"
"Not really…"
Envy gave him an incredulous look. "So have you two already done it, or what?"
"No."
"Don't you…like him?" It was a stupid question. Everyone liked him.
"I like you better. I thought we've been over this."
Envy arched a brow. "Are you hitting on me?"
Kimblee smiled. "Was it not obvious?"
Envy didn't know what it make of that. Normally it would have been enraged. The impudence of a human, trying something like that! The fact still remained, however, Kimblee was choosing Envy over Greed, which meant than they were ice-skating in hell right about now. And it wasn't just any human, it was this human, the one Envy found so unusually worthy of life.
Envy wasn't about to screw him though. Still…Envy wanted Kimblee there, rather than off with Greed or some random human. Envy wanted him to stay. The only answer Envy could think of? Get him really drunk. Envy did recall, from the overheard conversation earlier that day, that Greed was picking up the tab, so Envy didn't even matter that Envy had no money.
"You should finish your drink." Envy said.
"You should order one too. I don't want to be the only one drinking."
"I can't get drunk."
"So order something for the taste."
"One bitch-beer comin' up." Monique said. If Greed was paying for drinks, she would be as accommodating as you please in serving them up.
Envy's frowned at the 'bitch-beer' comment, but it refrained from doing anything violent. It knew that these humans fell into the 'things belonging to Greed' category, and that there would be unpleasant consequences if Envy did anything to Greed's stuff. Not that Envy was afraid of that; it just didn't feel like a fight right now.
Monique set Envy's drink down in front of it. Envy lifted it.
"A toast?"
"To Greed's infinite tab."
Envy snorted. "Cheers."
They clicked their glasses together, and Envy downed its drink in few gulps. It tasted fruity, whatever it was, hardly a note of alcohol to it. Kimblee did the same, because it was a little more than his pride could tolerate not to.
"So, I've been meaning to ask," he said, setting the empty glass aside, "how should I refer to you?"
"...By my name?"
"I mean in terms of pronouns. Your brother calls you 'it', your sister, 'he'."
"Either one is fine by me. Greed is technically correct, but Lust is more polite. She spends too much time with humans, I think. Starts to think of things like gender and sex in the way you guys do, as a privilege rather than a neutral and inconsequential fluke of biology."
"A system of power, from which one is excluded if they don't meet certain standards of either femininity or masculinity?"
"Something like that, yeah." Envy frowned. "I wouldn't have expected to hear you put it that way."
"Why not?"
"Because…you're human. You're a part of it."
"I wouldn't have expected you to know what I'm even talking about. Because you're not human, and not a part of it."
"I couldn't not be a part of it if I tried. Humans are everywhere; everything about you people is in my face all the damn time. Besides," Envy lowered its voice slightly, "I'm father's ideal spy, remember? I have to know how to be human better than most humans."
"You should give me a few tips." He was only half joking.
"I have an advantage on you there." As if to illustrate the point, Envy's eyes shifted to blue, then to amber, a change that only Kimblee was close enough to notice. "It's so much easier to get close to someone, when you look like they do."
"Is that what you did with me?"
"If you didn't notice, I wasn't trying get close to you." Envy's eyes shifted back to their regular dark hue. "Only close enough to kill."
It was...reassuring, that the form Envy wore around him was not designed to manipulate.
"Not all humans are stupid, you know." He found himself saying. "Most are, but not all."
"Stupidity is only part of it; humans are just too arrogant for my taste."
"Hm. Shouldn't we be? With the exception of your kind, which most aren't aware of, we dominate the world."
Envy was silent for a moment.
"Okay, you do have a point, but here's the difference: I don't pretend that my superiority is more than what it is. Humans act like the world was made for them, like they're on a pedestal meant to look down on every other creature simply because they are what they are. Me, I know I'm superior because in a fight with any human, I would win. No more and no less."
"I seem to recall one particular human that gave you a bit of trouble."
"I was testing you, remember? The premise of a test is that there is a way to pass. If I had earnestly been trying to kill Cramer, or you, neither of you would have even seen it coming."
He was not quite too inebriated to wonder why it turned him on, when Envy talked about trying to kill him. He wasn't suicidal, not even masochistic. Then again, hate and love were so close in terms of intensity that they were more akin to each other than any other emotion. Perhaps murder and sex shared a similar link, both intimate. Similar opposites.
"Here." Envy said, correctly reading the mood and pushing Kimblee's glass, once again refilled, towards him. "Drink more."
"I think I've had enough."
"No you haven't. Here."
Kimblee did as he was told, more to placate Envy than anything.
"Why are you trying to get me shit-faced?"
"I'm just trying to waste Greed's money."
"Well then, why not treat all Monique's fine patrons to a round on him?"
Envy snickered. "Alright then." It stood up on its bar stool and shouted, "Hey everyone! Drinks are on Greed! And if he gives you shit about it, tell him Envy said so!"
Calamity ensued as everyone cheered and/or rushed up to the bar to make good on the deal.
"You'd better be right about this, demon punk." Monique said, fixing Envy with a piercing glance.
"Oh, Greed can afford it." Envy said lazily, sitting back down. "He might kill me a few times, but I've got lives to spare."
Monique looked away, attending to the orders coming in from all sides. As much money as she made of these weird creatures, she'd be damned if they weren't creepy as hell.
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About an hour later, Greed was not happy with what he discovered upon returning.
"Envy! What the hell is this about drinks on me!"
"Aw, what's the matter?" Envy said, grinning crookedly. "Can't Greed show a little charity?"
Greed shrugged off his shirt, throwing it at the nearest person without bothering to see who it was.
"Hold this."
He didn't need to lose another shirt to Envy that night, after all. He stepped forward, holding up one hand that was suddenly metallic and clawed.
"I'll show you charity when I rape your ugly mutant ass! I'll still be the only one willing to touch you."
"Bring it! I'll use your dick as a pencil!"
Most people cheered as Greed and Envy leapt at each other, while a few very wise souls ran for their lives. Many there were familiar with Greed, and though they did not know what he was, they knew he was something, something strange. Something dangerous. And, it stood to reason, for anyone that had been paying attention, that Envy was the same kind of strange and dangerous. Any fight between them would be spectacular, if arguably lethal for bystanders.
Greed swiped at Envy, Envy dodged aside, and with flexibility that would put a ballet dancer to shame, roundhouse-kicked Greed's head into the floor, cracking the floorboards to splinters. Monique could be heard in the background cursing both of them.
Not to be deterred by having his face smashed in like a watermelon, Greed's arm shot up, connecting with Envy's lower back and, from the sound of it, shattering its spine. At the same time, he grabbed Envy's other leg and bit into its inner thigh like a piece fried chicken, disregarding his front teeth, which were still regenerating from their abrupt meeting with the ground.
Envy shrieked, and the audience clapped and laughed. Taking advantage of the fact that Greed's head was now incidentally between its legs, Envy brought its legs together around Greed's neck, and with a sharp twist of its hips snapped it with a sickening crack. With the moment's lull, Envy pushed off of Greed, back-flipping away and putting several yards between them, landing in a crouch and growling.
Greed was already advancing on Envy again with a smile on his face, when the sound of a gun ripped through the air.
Monique, unheeded by the onlookers, had pulled a sawed-off shotgun from under the bar and, customer or not, blown a gaping hole in Envy's midsection. Envy was a slightly more difficult target than Greed, being so small and skinny, but Greed was a valuable regular, and Monique was a good shot.
"YOU BITCH!" Envy roared and, unhindered by the hole in itself, charged at Monique.
Greed took advantage of Envy's distraction, coming from behind and seizing Envy in a headlock. Given Envy's troublesome ability to turn its limbs into knives, snakes, and other such painful apparatuses, Greed went one step farther and, with a jerk of one arm, popped Envy's head off like a cork. With the form to rival a pro football player, Greed turned and threw Envy's head through a window before it had time to regenerate.
The noise from the onlookers was deafening, although it quickly turned to gasps and silent astonishment as Envy's body dissolved into dust.
"Wait for it…" Greed said into the shocked silence.
The pub's door was not pushed or even thrown open, rather, it was kicked so hard it feel clean off its hinges. Envy strowed through the now unobstructed doorway, casual as could be.
"That was a cheap trick."
Some people screamed, some shouted, one man actually fainted.
"You're a state alchemist." Monique said to Kimblee, who had been enjoying the show as much as anyone. "Why not assist a citizen and keep them from trashing my place."
"Now you like state alchemists." Kimblee muttered. He got to his feet – or tried to, at least, but ended up on the floor.
"Oh...god…dammit…" This was exactly the reason he (usually) didn't drink.
"You're a pretty useless alchemist."
"As the one who poured me all those, can you really blame me?"
Monique snorted. "Lightweight."
He attempted to stand again, carefully, and with more success this time.
"Both of you, calm down!" Thankfully, his voice held steady. With slightly uneven steps and highly impaired judgment, he placed himself between the two monsters as they sized each other up, waiting to attack or be attacked.
"Need I remind you what happened," he said to Envy, "last time you got in a fight in public?"
Envy scowled, crossing its arms. "Don't look at me. He started it."
Kimblee turned to Greed. "You just ripped Envy's head off. Is that not suitable recompense for money spent?"
"You clearly value this thing's life more than I do, Lotus Flower." He shrugged. "But since you asked me nicely, I'll save the rest for later." He held out a hand. "Someone bring me my shirt!"
"Thank you." Kimblee said. He turned to sit down again – a bit too fast, and found himself on the floor again.
"Fucking hell..."
"Aw shit," Envy said. "We broke the human."