Names and Letters Chapter Nine:
Blair looked at the outstretched hand, her whole body yearning to hold it. To hold onto the man who offered it for dear life and never let go again. She knew that if she did, if she could just let go of all her worry and self doubt about everything in her life, including him, that little hole in her heart would feel whole again. If only she could just reach out and grab the hand of the man who had given her the two most amazing gifts in the world.
Her daughter and the knowledge of what it was like to be in love.
But whose hand was she taking, Blair worried to herself silently, trying to assess every aspect of the situation. Was it the Chuck who charmed her in high school, the man she fell head over heels in love with. Or was it the bitter, angry Chuck, who she had only had a glimpse of three times in her life. Was this all a trick so he could see all her cards, and then burn them?
And it wasn't just her taking his hand anymore. It wasn't just her heart involved in the transaction. If it was, it wouldn't have been more then a moments hesitation. She stole a quick glance at her sleeping daughter, who looked too small for the bed she laid in, too vulnerable for the mean world outside her door at this moment.
What would it do to Alabaster if it didn't last this time? She already bore the scars of having grown up without her father; that much was evident to Blair now. What would it do now if her and Chuck broke up. She knew Alabaster would feel the need to choose, once and for all. It would break Chuck hearts but…
What if her daughter didn't pick her? What if she was so bitter she decided she could stop loving Blair? Not that Blair would make her choose. But if she chose that, Blair knew she couldn't just live with it. But she would have to, wouldn't she?
"Blair?" The voice she had a heard a thousand times in her dreams brought her back to the here and now from the unforgiving what-if her mind created.
She snapped her head back, looking at Chuck. Both his hands were nestled in his pockets now, in that old familiar pose. The moment had passed, and the part of Blair that wanted Chuck Bass every waking minute gave an ache of protest. Of course the pain of that ache wasn't as abundant as it once had been; years of feeling it had dulled the sensation.
"Blair. Your not going to faint are you?" He kept his voice low, shooting worried glances at Alabaster. She didn't understand for a moment why, because she had always known Alabaster could sleep through a parade when she was this exhausted, but then it dawned on her. Of course Chuck wouldn't know that fact. More guilt seeped in, adding onto the already emotional fatigue Blair was trying to wade through.
When she didn't answer right away, Chuck grabbed her arm and pulled her into the living room, shutting the door almost as quietly as Alabaster had.
"I don't want you fainting in there." He snapped at her.
"I don't faint." Blair snapped back, pulling her arm away from his grip.
Chuck didn't even respond, turning his back on her as he went over to the plush couch and sat down heavily, sprawling his legs out in front of him. Blair took a deep breath, trying to squash to fluttering unsuccessfully before she went and sat down next to him on the couch.
During the sustained silence that wasn't so much awkward, as it was necessary for them both, she wondered if he still felt the fluttering. If he still dreamed of her. If he still missed anything about her.
"You could have told me Blair."
She stilled the voice inside that wanted to tell him that she now wished she had, and waited a moment to collect her thoughts.
"You were busy when I tried." Her voice was full of venom, memories of him in bed with another woman mere hours after the fight filling her mind.
Blair winced when the sound of Chuck's foot kicking the coffee table echoed in the room and watched sadly as he got up and walked into his room, the heat that filled the room leaving with him. But Blair was never really one to walk away from a fight, especially with him, so she followed him, shutting the door behind her as she entered his bedroom.
There would be no escape for either of them from what needed to be said. Dead or alive, they needed to finish this. For their daughter, and for themselves.
"You could at least see it from my prospective Chuck. What kind of father figure would you have been? The drinking, the drugs, the lecherous comments? The irresponsibility."
"That all would have stopped." His voice sounded angry, his back facing her once again as he looked out the window.
"How can you be sure Chuck? It was fine when it was just us. But she needed more then what you got from you own father." Blair regretted the last comment as instantly as it left her lips.
He moved more quickly then she saw, his hands grabbing her arms roughly as they pushed her against the door. His entire body was shaking and his eyes were dark. "Damnit Blair, I would not have turned into my father." Chucks voice was dangerously soft.
"How can you be sure?"
The question hung between them like a noose that wasn't sure which way to swing. Blair couldn't tear her eyes away from Chuck's, struggle evident on his face as if he wasn't sure of anything anymore. As if he was being pulled in a thousand directions at once by his emotions. Blair could sympathize because she felt the same way.
Looking at him now, it didn't seem like he had changed much. The only thing that really looked older about him was his eyes and she wondered if the same could be said about her. If he even cared how she looked now. Of course, she knew he never married, but that didn't mean anything. According to society pages, he had enough to keep him busy.
"Why couldn't you just have let us be happy B? Why couldn't you have just trusted in me? In us?" His unusually sad voice pulled her out of her wondering thoughts and she felt tears sting her eyes.
Blair opened her mouth to apologize, but no amount of I'm so sorry would ever make the hurt and anger betrayed by his features alright, nor the pain her heart felt. So Blair just kept her mouth closed, which was obviously not the smartest move she had ever made. Chuck let go of her arms quickly, as if she was diseased, the moment he realized she wasn't going to say anything. Backing away a few feet, he raked his fingers through his disheveled hair, his entire body quaking.
"Damnit Blair… I've missed so much." His voice was an angry whisper. "How am I ever supposed to get back that time with Alabaster? How is she ever going to forgive me for not being there to… to... Teach her to ride her bike??"
"Chuck, you don't even know how to ride a bike." Blair said calmly, trying to control the situation and soothe him.
"That's not the point Blair!" Chuck didn't even bother trying to keep his voice down, the damning words coming out in a full scream.
"Chuck…"
"Don't Blair. I'm not going to forgive you. You did this to us. You hurt me, you hurt yourself, and most importantly, you hurt our daughter. Our daughter. I can't have you staying here with us. Get another room and stay the hell out of my way, and life. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing we ever need to discuss again is visitation schedules."
Blair felt wounded, every word he spoke was full of anger and truth she couldn't deny any longer. She just needed to be alone and cry for a few hours. Needed to recharge for the next round. But, she was still a Waldorf, so she wouldn't fall down infront of him. Straightening her shoulders, she stared at the man she loved in the eyes, not showing a ounce of emotion.
"Fine Chuck. But I'm coming back in the afternoon, because Alabaster wants me to be here. And so help me God, if you try to interfere with me seeing my daughter, I will destroy you."
With that, Blair left Chucks room, and the suite, vowing to return in a few hours. She wanted to sit by Alabasters bedside like she did when her daughter was younger, but that was almost impossible. She needed sleep. She needed to think. She needed her daughter with her and she needed Chuck.
Blair thoughts sadly to herself that four out of five wasn't bad as she turned to key to open 1812.
Serena smiled at Dan's sleeping face. Who knew that someone's snores could be so adorable she thought to herself? Creeping out of the bedroom silently, so not to wake anyone on their day to sleep in, she entered the kitchen and put on the coffee pot. While she was waiting for the thing to finish, she noticed her cell phone displayed one new text message from an unknown number.
"S, we need to talk, B."
Chuck stared at the door for the longest time after Blair left, wondering if he should run through it after her, or lock it. He was still shaking from anger, wondering how he let his life get this way. He wished for a dozen things, but wishing was frivolous, so he tried to push all the regrets and what-ifs out of his mind.
Collecting his thoughts, he moved over to the dresser and picked up his cellphone. Scrolling through the contacts, he finally found the name he wanted. If someone had asked him an hour ago, he would have said he would never speak to this person again, especially after fifteen years of peace.
Putting the phone to his ear, he listened to it ring four times before it was picked up on the other end.
"Georgina, this is Chuck Bass, would you like to have dinner with me?"
Charlotte awoke slowly, the sound of her cell phone calling her back from soothing dreams. Her eyes still burned from crying, and she reached out for Blair, to find no one there. She suppressed tears, wondering if her mother had just been a good dream, amidst all the darkness that seemed to encompass her.
Stretching out her slim arm, she grabbed her phone, pushing everything else out of her mind. Time to put on another show, she thought glumly to herself, wondering if that's all her life could ever be.
"Hello?"
"Hey Charlotte! It's Tommy. Do you want to ditch family breakfast and help me out with a project?"
AN: Okay, sorry this took so long. I've been working on some other fanfictions that I should hopefully post soon, and juggling writing is not one of my better skills! I just wanted to thank all my readers and reviewers, you guys are seriously my muses and I love reading what you think. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter :) :) :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Gossip Girl!