Chapter Ten

"So… who starts? How does this work? Do we need rules or something?" Dante's voice reached a confused higher pitch at the end of each question. He could feel his palms begin to sweat, and he rubbed them on the leg of his pants. He hadn't felt this nervous since the night he proposed to her when he was still under the impression that she did not even want to get married. Even then she said 'yes' immediately and everything was smooth sailing all the way until the wedding.

He had nerves of steel when it came to the big day itself. Everything had come together quickly, because Lulu didn't understand the point of an engagement when the whole purpose was to get married. He arrived at his own wedding over an hour early, because there was only so long all the brothers could keep him waiting. Lulu showed up over an hour late as brides do. Later called him 'pathetic, but cute' during the reception.

Every part of his body wished he could go back to their wedding and start their marriage all over again. "Lulu?"

"Maybe we should just ask questions and answer honestly? Do we really need more rules than that? " She replied awkwardly.

"Were you in love with Patrick?" He dove in head first making them both wish they had readily available booze, but this was too important to wafer through.

"No. I was in love with someone wanting me, and I was in love with him falling in love with me. I was never actually in love with him. He was just a distraction." He drowned in every word she spoke and she begrudgingly let them fall from her lips. "Do you think you'll ever be able to touch me knowing that I let someone else?"

"Yes," he answered after a long pause.

"Would you want to?"

"Yes." This time there was no hesitation. "Do you think if I start working again, if I get a big case that takes me somewhere else or a lot of time, that this will all happen again?"

"No, because I'm pretty sure we'd end up divorced. Do you really think we could handle going through this again? We're only managing to handle it now."

"No… I mean, if I can't come home during the case. After the case, there'd be no stopping me. Never again."

"During a case… you'd be working. When you work on a case… even when you come home you're working. I don't… If you're knee deep in a case that demands all your attention…" She welled up and couldn't find the right words. She didn't want to describe his work as the other woman in their relationship, because she had been the one with another man. That didn't take away from the fact that she was painfully aware that her husband loved something else more than her. "No… we would be fine if you just called once and while, and maybe said 'hi' before you jumped in the shower, 'bye' when you are about to take off again…"

"Don't do that!" he demanded with his eyes squarely focused on her. "We're supposed to be having this out." His anger was evident on the way the veins appeared in his neck, his fist tightening, and his speech coming between grinded teeth. He was making a valid effort not to yell. "This was your idea, Lulu! It's not going to work if you're going to do the same old crap like before."

"Fine!" she burst. "I hate your job! I hate that you'd rather work than come home, and that there is nothing I can do about it. I hate that you can get so wrapped in your work that your life stops, but that your work is so damn important and means so freaking much do you…" She took a deep breath once the shocked look on his face began to register. "Even before we were married… even in that first year we were together… your work was always first. I knew that then, I accepted it, and I supported you. I had to keep things from you for the longest time because of your job. I have had people that I used to care about leave me, because they could not handle your job. It's too compromising. At first it was just compromising the safety and security of some of my family… your family, but now it's compromising our entire relationship. It has been for a long time. That time off you took right after we got married was the single best time I have had in my entire life. …Then you went to work. It was like having different husbands, two different marriages. One with a man who truly loves me, and the other who is itching to get called away for days or weeks at a time." After her abandon, she regretted every callable she spoke, and her mind started to back track. "I love you. I really love you, and I know that your job is important… a part of you. I'm not expecting you to change careers or anything… I'm sorry. That was…"

"Honestly…" he interrupted her. His insides felt like they had just been run over by truck and then scrapped off the pavement. "Don't apologize. You were supposed to tell me everything… You think I have put my job before you our entire relationship?" He was searching through his earliest memories of them trying to grasp how he could have made her feel that way, and struggled with the sinking feeling that she wasn't wrong.

"Yes. We spent most of our time together just talking about how you felt and your job. I'm not complaining… I know it sounds like it… I'm not complaining about them. It's just something I've known. It was always a fear… like, they'd offer you another undercover assignment that would take you away for years at a time… and you'd jump to take it as if you always had a bag packed ready to go. You would just leave me."

"I'm not your father!" he barked.

"I never…" In her mind left field couldn't even understand where that remark had come from.

"I am not your father, I am not one of your brothers, and I have never given you any reason to think that I have just left you. Even when things were falling apart I still came home to grab a change of clothes. And it would have been so easy to just back a bag or find somewhere else to live, but I stayed because you are my wife!"

"I don't know what to say to that..."

"I was offered a job… to go undercover… a few times. I could have gone back to the NYPD, but I wouldn't leave you. The last time they asked, I actually considered it, because I wasn't sure that if I did just disappear that you'd notice."

"I always notice!"

"Well… I decided not to go, didn't I. I stayed because I am committed to this marriage." The comment punched Lulu in the stomach. They were both too aware that she hadn't been. He tried to catch his breath as she held hers to keep herself from crying. "I'm sorry. That was low…"

"No, it's not… but I can't keep doing this. Are we ever going to be able to put that behind us? I want to take it back, but I can't. It happened and no matter how much I try to beat myself up for it… it doesn't change anything!"

"I forgave you. I really have. I understand why you'd want to be with someone else."

"I don't forgive me! And I don't want to be with someone else! I wanted to be with my husband, but it wasn't exactly an option… That's still not an excuse. They make toys for that."

Dante couldn't stop himself for laughing which created a smile on his face that was contagious. "That's all you wanted him for, right?"

"Sex and company," she answered as she looked down at her fingers resting her lap. She could never admit that to his eyes.

"Then, that's how I'll think about him. Like a toy and television" he chuckled. "… which I would recommend if you every get lonely again, but I'm not going to let that happen. Though… toys… we could try that…"

"Hold your horses. We haven't gotten that far yet…" She felt as if color was started to come back to her body at the innuendo.

"I love you… more than any other person, and certainly more than any job. I will never let you forget that."

Author's Note:
At some point in time last week I considered making this the penultimate chapter… Talked about it with some people and the votes were tied. SoapNanny ended up being the deciding vote, so the story will be continuing. Thank or blame her.

Thank you so much for reading and all your reviews. They are truly inspiring. Please continue. : ).