Lightning: Apologies
Lightning quietly toyed with the crystal rose; a gift that Fang had given her not long after suddenly arriving in her life. The last vestiges of orange light from the sunset outside her window gently refracted within the flowery prism. Class had been over for hours, so Lightning was sitting in her room quietly waiting for her enraged roommate to return. She hoped that Fang had calmed enough so she could apologize, but doubted that she would be so lucky.
She let the Eidolon rest in the palm of her hand. It was supposed to be a good luck charm, but it didn't seem to work. Just a month prior nothing could touch her through her cold and lofty demeanor. Now, she was feeling worried and depressed because her roommate was mad at her. Her life was as out of control as an avalanche; Fang had been the clap that had set the snow rolling.
The charm certainly didn't work. For a while, Lightning thought that it had been doing it's job; she had gotten an amazing roommate and friend. There was finally a person in her life that Lightning wanted to be around. A person that she wanted to talk to. But the cruel world had broken that friendship.
Lightning put the crystal rose down before slamming both her hands against her desk, suddenly standing and glaring out the window. She resolved herself and went to find Fang; she would apologize no matter what.
The sun was finally below the horizon, and the grounds were bathed in darkness, only interrupted by the occasional street lamp. Lightning walked slowly along the darkened beach until she reached the main building.
Lightning carefully navigated through the school until she found herself near the entry to the roof. Pausing at the bottom of the stairs, Lightning pulled her red scarf tighter and lifted the cloth over the bottom half of her face. It didn't have the scent that she had hoped it would, but the scarf still made her feel more secure– like the warm fabric could keep the world at bay.
She was apprehensive about going up; she had a feeling that Fang was there. Crossing her arms tightly against her body, Lightning began to shiver. Her memories of the morning were frightening in many ways. Filled with rage and anger, Fang had suddenly awoken her. It dawned on her immediately: Lightning had hoped that Fang would never find out, but it had only taken a few hours.
Shocked awake, Lightning could barely tell what was happening. She had instinctively lashed out, but Fang caught her arm and held it in place. Coming to full awareness, she had to gaze directly into Fang's intense and passionate eyes.
The deep green was mesmerizing; her body responded by shivering as the girl shouted questions at her. She was terrified that Fang would hurt her, but even more terrified at how attracted she was to Fang at that moment. Deep in her core she could feel herself reacting to the fiery insensity on primal level.
She didn't know what was going to happen the next time she saw Fang. Lightning was sure that Fang was going to be beyond angry at her. She should have known better than to keep it a secret. In her shoes, Lightning would never forgive Fang if she let Serah get hurt. She feared that Fang would forever hate her.
Lightning started to rub the outside of her arms, shivering at the memories. She sighed and quietly wished that Fang had been honest the night before; she hoped that there could be forgiveness.
Despite her attempt to move quietly, her leather boots made loud thumps as she climbed the stairs to the inevitable confrontation. The roof was died in deep purple, and the dark ocean was laid out before her. She walked forward as quietly as she could until she was beside Fang, who was still in the same place, lounging on her back in the center of the roof. The pulsian didn't acknowledge her presence.
"Listen, Fang. I'm sorry," Lightning started, "I know it was a mistake, but–,"
There was a palpable pause as Fang stood up and began to remove her earrings.
"I really regret not telling you–,"
Fang took off her necklace too and placed them all in the little pocket on the breast of her uniform.
"I know how you must feel, but–,"
Fang pounced on her, sending them both spilling to the ground. Even though she was surprised, Lightning carefully positioned herself as she dropped onto her back. Once the pulsian was on top of her, she kicked up into Fang's stomach with both of her legs, flipping the other girl off of her.
Lightning quickly got to her feet and took a ready stance. Fang tumbled roughly on the ground but swiftly spun over and took a feral crouch. She slowly began to circle Lightning.
"Fang, stop," Lightning responded, starting to glare at the other girl, "I just wanted to apologize."
The pulsian slung forward quickly, swinging hard with the back of her hand. Lightning tried to block the blow with her forearm, but the impact slid her a foot over and forced her to drop, planting a knee on the ground for stability. She immediately leapt back to avoid another wild swing.
Lightning rubbed at her arm. She had expected it from Fang's earlier display, but the sheer power was still awe inspiring. She could feel her arm going numb; she wouldn't be able to take many hits.
Fang slung forward again, but this time Lightning quickly ducked under the punch and delivered an elbow into Fang's side. The pulsian staggered slightly, but lashed out with a fierce jab. Lightning had to leap back again to avoid it.
"Just listen to me!" Lightning shouted, running forward and jumping to deliver a kick into her roommate. The blow was deflected easily, but Lightning quickly righted herself and acrobatically flipped away to avoid the pulsian's attempt to swing at her.
The pink-haired fighter could feel her guilt turning to anger as the two repeatedly traded blows. It was another defense mechanism; she deflected her emotions into ones she was more comfortable dealing with. Guilt was required reflection and reparation to overcome; anger was easy to vent.
Lightning became more aggressive, fiercely flinging herself into combat against the enraged huntress. She was trained in martial arts, and had plenty of experience fighting skilled fighters. Her disciplinary committee duties had given her plenty of experience at fighting wildly aggressive and strong thugs. But the pulsian huntress was both skilled and physically powerful; filled with rage and what seemed to be murderous intent.
What Lightning had seen in the school wasn't the huntresses full force. She couldn't help but admire the way that Fang moved and struck at her. Each swing was wild but well aimed; powerful but precise. Lightning had to rely on her quick speed to keep up in the fight.
But Fang wasn't slow, eventually managing to once again tackle Lightning to the ground. This time, she grabbed the pink-haired girls bare legs on approach. Lightning fell to the ground, unable to defend herself.
She gazed up at Fang. Lightning could see pure hatred in Fang's eyes as she grabbed at the collar of her jacket. Both were taking deep, heaving breaths as Fang lifted Lightning off of the ground. Lightning let her neck be limp, tilting back so she couldn't look into the intense, deep green eyes that were glaring down at her.
Lightning knew Fang hated her now. In a lot of ways, it made her life easier. Even if she could feel herself falling for her, Lightning could never act on it. She had to join the military to pay for Serah to go to college; she wouldn't be allowed to if anyone knew that she was gay.
So at first, she was relieved that Fang would stop; stop trying to gently pry into her life and stop gently prying into her heart. But then despair, the emotion she couldn't deal with, started to flood into her once again.
Happiness had always been a rare and fleeting part of her life. For the first time in her life, it felt like she had a real friend. More than that, it was the first time in her life she felt like someone wanted to be there for her. For the first time, it felt like someone could be capable of protecting her.
For the first time, Claire was in love.
Tears came easily; it was the first time her heart felt so vulnerable, yet she had already failed. She grit her teeth. Lightning cursed her life, knowing full well that this feeling was the exact reason why she put up her walls in the first place; so she could never know despair again. But she had failed at that too.
Never let this cruel world get to you.
Old, worn out words kept ringing through her mind. The words she had heard when she had felt real pain, the ones that had seeped into and infected her entire personality and existence. There were so many ways that things could have worked out. But the world they lived in drove them to this.
Tears flooded out of Claire as she let real despair wash over her for just the third time in her life. She let herself relax and finally go with the flow of the world. The cruel world had finally touched her gentle heart, leaving it blackened and charred.
Suddenly, she felt droplets begin to fall onto her neck. The hands lifting her relaxed, and she was gently returned to the ground. When Claire opened her eyes she saw that Fang was straddling her stomach, hovering over her and crying.
Claire's eyes began to dry and– as usual– she chose to not speak any words. She had never been in this situation; she had no words of comfort to give, and no understanding of what was happening. She decided to just reach a hand up and placed it gently on Fang's cheek.
When she heard the soft padding of feet, Lightning glanced to her left and caught a glimpse of Vanille standing at the top of the stairs. The pulsian froze for a moment before bolting back down the stairs.
Claire sat up slowly, forcing Fang to back up to accommodate her. Once she was fully upright, Fang suddenly leaned forward, burying her face into the red scarf that was wrapped around Claire's neck. Her arms reached around, clinging tightly to the other girl. The two stayed silent for a long while.
Eventually, Fang's sobbing stopped. The pulsian suddenly released Lightning, stood up, and quickly walked over to the edge of the roof. She turned and sat on the ground, leaning her back onto the vertical bars of the railing.
Claire stood and walked over too, sitting down beside her.
"Fang, I'm so sorry," she began, speaking gently.
Fang nodded. "I get it. Why did you do it?" she asked, hanging her head.
The pink-haired girl glanced over out of the side of her eyes. She began to speak in an even gentler voice; vulnerable and scared. "Vanille begged me not to tell you. She was scared that you would do exactly what you did."
There was a sigh from beside her, and she saw Fang's shoulders sink. "This is my fault; Vanille thought she couldn't trust me. You thought you couldn't trust me."
Claire shook her head. "When I first overheard her being bullied, I told Vanille to come to me if there was more trouble. But she didn't; because I'm so cold that she thought it would just be bothering me. It's my fault."
After a few moments of silence, Claire spoke again. "Fang, it's not our fault. Those three idiots are the ones to blame."
The pulsian shook her head. "No, I should have been there to protect her."
Claire hesitated a moment. She carefully raised an arm, leaving it hovering over Fang's shoulder. After another brief pause, she placed it down gently. "I'm sorry that this happened, Fang."
Fang took a deep breath and nodded. The pulsian turned to face her. "I'm sorry I attacked you like that; I was just so mad."
"It's okay, I didn't mind."
A dark eyebrow shot up. "What?"
"Nothing," Lightning responded curtly. She glanced away for a long while, before turning and letting their eyes meet. She quietly thanked Etro; Fang didn't look angry any more. There was no hatred there any more, like their tears had washed away the emotions and left the blank slates once again.
Maybe her gentle heart would be fine.
She gazed into the relaxed deep green eyes. Then, she broke the contact and stared straight ahead.
"Do you love Vanille?"
Fang turned away from Lightning as she began to speak again. "Yeah."
Lightning didn't glance over. "I love Serah, but–,"
"It's not the same way that I love Vanille," Fang quickly interrupted.
Nodding slowly, Lightning took a deep breath. She finally got a confirmation of what she had already guessed.
"I– I don't want to," Fang added slowly.
Claire finally let her head turn and their eyes meet once again. "What?"
"I don't want to love her. What I really want is to find a new love, a woman who can actually love me back in the same way." Her breaths deepened as she spoke. "But that won't happen until I stop loving Vanille. I have no idea how to do that though."
Cautiously choosing her words, Claire began to speak. "Don't think that way. It's not something you do. It'll just happen. You probably won't get over her until you fall in love with someone new, so– just try live your life, and hope that it will happen."
Claire didn't add that she hoped Fang would fall for her.
Fang nodded. "Thanks Light. I didn't know you could be so romantic," she teased.
Lightning snapped her defenses back up at that moment; she may be in love but she still wasn't going to indulge in the shameless flirting. Even if she secretly enjoyed it. She didn't respond, choosing to instead stand up, turn, and silently gaze over the water.
Fang began to speak after a few moments. "It hurt. It hurts that I found out that way, and it really hurts because it feels like there is no one I can trust." The pulsian thumped her head back against the railing and released a deep sigh.
Lightning glanced down at the girl she loved, who was still in pain. "That's how I always feel. Do you think I would trust anyone else with Serah's safety?" She only received a silent head shaking in response. "It's hard, but you should only trust yourself."
Lightning's stomach suddenly knotted and filled with butterflies; Fang's hand had reached up and gently grabbed hers.
"You shouldn't live like that," Fang responded, letting their eyes meet. "You've got to learn to trust the people that care about you."
There was no response, Lightning just stood petrified and continued to stare into Fang's eyes. The gentleness she saw scared her, yet pulled her in deeper. She quickly resolved herself to push the other girl away.
"How did that go for you?"
Fang pulled her hand away and clenched it in the air. "I–,"
Spinning on her heel, Lightning turned away from her roommate and crossed her arms. "I'm weak. I can't be trusted. I can barely even protect my sister, and certainly not anyone that you care about."
She gave a pained grimace when she received no response. From behind her, the gentle rustle of clothes let her know that her roommate had stood up. Suddenly, strong arms wrapped around her from behind.
"If that's the case, it's all the more important that you let people help you."
The pink-haired girl glared at the ground before spinning out of her roommate's arms. The loud echo of a slap rang out as Lightning backed away from the warm embrace.
"I don't need anyone. I can take care of myself."
Fang turned away rubbed at her reddened cheek. Eventually, she glanced at her roommate out of the corner of her eyes. "Make up your mind! Are you weak? Are you strong? What do you really want to be?"
Not dropping her glare, Lightning took a few steps back. "I– I don't know," she choked out threw gritted teeth.
Fang started to walk away. "Well, take your time– but there are people who care about you. Who you can trust," she called back over her shoulder.
Lightning waited a moment before following in contemplative silence as they returned to their room.
She felt relieved; Fang at least wasn't still murderously mad at her. Lightning thought that it was just part of Fang's earnest personality. Fang had told her that she believed in forgiveness, and it must have been true.
Lightning also contemplated her now realized feelings. Lightning was in love; the way she felt about Fang had evolved past physical attraction, it was past intrigue, and it was past admiration. It was hard for her to describe exactly what was different, but the epiphany suddenly hit and she could no longer describe the way she felt in any other way.
It was clear to her that Fang cared about her too. It wasn't told to her outright, but the conversation was clear. Fang was telling Lightning she could trust and rely on her. Deep inside, Lightning already knew that she could; it was part of the reason she had fallen for the other girl. The world had been cruel and unforgiving to Lightning, but there was a strong girl who would support and protect her.
It pained her endlessly; so much had lined up well, yet so much was still wrong. Something Lightning sought was dangled in front of her, but held at just the distance where she couldn't reach out and grab it. She could only imagine the happiness she would have if her feelings were returned; yet she knew she couldn't act on it. She had to be there for Serah.
They made it all the way into the room without uttering another word. Lightning watched as Fang immediately undressed, tossing her uniform away and curling gently into the pile of furs. It seemed so different than her usual nose dive. The pink-haired girl was aware that Fang was still in a bad place.
The crystal rose still sat where she left it on her desk; Lightning quietly walked over and picked it back up. When she heard snoring, she sat down and turned on her desk lamp. She once again let the soft light refract within the beautiful pink crystal.
Claire shook her head. Her emotions were scattered; she felt so happy, yet at the same time incredibly pained. She had no idea what she wanted to do; but she smiled gently anyway. She had fallen in love with an incredible girl.