Author's notes and summary:

Since at least one person liked to have a summary at the start of the chapter, I'm gonna do it again… It bothers me that people will have forgotten everything between my way too few updates! :-( Mea maxima culpa!

I think I'll only cover the last chapter this time though… If you don't remember anything, check the previous summary! So:

Riku brought Axel with him to Selphie's birthday party, on the condition that he wouldn't 'act gay' and everything was going relatively well until Roxas showed up.

Turns out he is Sora's cousin, and is visiting Destiny Islands with his girlfriend Naminé to celebrate their one year anniversary. After some angst and general nervousness, Roxas decided to drag Axel away for a smoke to talk things out, and after some more angst they start to realize that time really is a healer and they are actually starting to like being around each other again.

Instead of going back to the party, they decide to go down to the beach, and that was the last we saw of them in last chapter…

Riku is starting to wonder what the hell is going on when hours pass and Axel is nowhere to be found and not answering his phone. Since Axel told him earlier that he and Roxas used to have a relationship, he is starting to suspect the worst and his mood is not at its peak.

Relationship status of Axel and Riku:

Still just sex. Riku is head over heels, and wants them to have a real relationship as soon as he's out of the closet. Axel knows this, but isn't ready to tie his personal happiness to another person before he feels he's in control of his life. He has now told Riku he doesn't want to be his boyfriend three times.

Sexual healing

X

"Riku, it's your turn again!" Sora grabbed his friend's shoulder and shook it gently, to turn his attention away from the clock on the wall and back to the poker game.

"Oh." His eyes momentarily fixed on Sora, and then shifted to the cards laid out on the table. "Uh… I check."

And just like that, his concentration was gone again, his gaze staring blankly into nothing and his hand reaching for his beer can.

"You can't check," Sora insisted, feeling a little frustrated. "Wakka just raised."

Riku looked up at him again, his eyes starting to look hazy.

"Fine. Then I fold."

"Man, what is with you?" Tidus complained. "You're not even paying attention!"

"Yeah," Wakka agreed, leaning back on his chair and crossing his arms as he gave Riku a flat look. "Snap out of it, ya, you're ruining everyone else's fun!"

"Hey, hey!" Sora interrupted, glaring at them and putting his arm around Riku's shoulders defensively. "Riku's just a little tired; be nice!"

Wakka and Tidus exchanged a look.

"Tired, huh? More like a little drunk," Tidus snickered.

"Or a lot," Wakka filled in. "Did you even look at the time? It's barely past ten and you're about to pass out; not very cool, ya."

That made Riku come back down to earth, though not in the way Sora would have preferred. He stood up in one, swift motion, almost knocking over his chair, and threw his cards on the table, his expression murderous. "I know what time it is," he growled and stalked away, leaving Tidus and Wakka looking very surprised.

Sora groaned and put his own cards down. "Sorry guys, I've got to take care of this!" He smiled apologetically and then got off his chair to hurry after Riku before they had time to ask any questions.

After they had had their talk under the stairs, everything had been okay for a while. Riku had seemed to be feeling better once he had gotten his worries off his chest, and had actually been socializing with people… He had even agreed to dance with Selphie for a while, which Sora had found slightly shocking. Riku never danced, especially not with Selphie.

His good mood hadn't lasted very long, though. As the hours dragged out without Axel and Roxas showing up, his spirits had begun to sink again, to finally reach rock bottom when Naminé had started asking around for Roxas, because she couldn't reach him on his cell. After that he had started spacing out, wandering the house restlessly and snapping at anyone who talked to him, until Selphie told Sora he needed to do something about his friend before she threw him out.

Sora pouted angrily. Why was Riku always his friend and his responsibility whenever the less pleasant sides of his personality started to show? Riku really wasn't the easiest person to deal with when he got into his moods… Sora had hoped that getting him involved in the poker game would distract him from thinking too much about what Axel and Roxas was or wasn't doing, but obviously the effort had been in vain.

Not that he could blame him for being upset… things were undoubtedly starting to look a little fishy. He didn't want to believe it, but what if Riku's suspicions were actually right? It was hard to think of a good reason Axel and Roxas would be gone for so long and both be ignoring their phones, unless they had been hit by a car or something… And that was certainly not a better alternative!

There was still a chance they had just gone somewhere to talk and didn't want to be disturbed, but then couldn't they just have said so instead of making everyone worried? If it was Kairi that had disappeared somewhere with an ex boyfriend without saying a word, Sora guessed he would have been upset too… It was hard to even imagine such a situation, though. First of all, Kairi didn't have an ex boyfriend, and second, he didn't think she would ever behave like that.

Sora sighed. Maybe it was perfectly rational to be worried; he just wished Riku would lay off the beer for a while. Tidus and Wakka were right, he was getting drunk, and not just a little. Sora was pretty sure it did nothing to help his mood.

Seeing that his friend was just about to start wading through the throng of dancing teenagers in the living room, Sora called out in an attempt to stop him before he lost sight of him.

"Riku, wait!"

At his call, Riku actually stopped and turned halfway to look at him, swaying slightly where he stood. Relieved, Sora hurried over to him and put an arm around his waist to stabilize him before he fell and hurt himself or something.

"You seemed a little wobbly," he told him when he received a questioning stare.

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Riku closed his eyes and leaned heavily on Sora. "No… Where's..? I had a beer."

"You don't need any more beer. Come on, let's go sit down and talk somewhere. Or maybe you should get some sleep? I promise I'll let you know when Axel gets back."

"No, no." Riku shook his head stubbornly. "I need to be awake… I should be looking for him."

"Riku…" Sora sighed again, staggering under his friend's weight. "I don't think there's much you can do. Either you wait and see if he shows up here again tonight, or you just go home and sleep and call him tomorrow."

"How the hell am I going to sleep?"

Sora gave up. "Alright, alright. We wait… Though you should really go easy with the beer; Tidus and Wakka were right, you know."

"I just thought it might feel better…"

Riku sighed and hung his head, taking a stumbling step that nearly made Sora fall over.

"Well, does it?" he commented, unable to keep himself from sounding slightly sarcastic. The whole situation was unnerving him, and Riku was just making it worse.

"Not really… I don't know, maybe I'm not drunk enough? I just don't want to think anymore."

"You don't have to think if you go to sleep," Sora pointed out, but Riku just huffed at him and squirmed out of his hold, starting to push himself through the crowd. To the kitchen and a refrigerator packed with beer, Sora realized with a sinking feeling in his heart. He was already worried sick about Roxas, did Riku really have to add to his stress?

Maybe he should just let him drink until he passed out.

He glanced over at where Naminé was sitting with Kairi and Selphie looking through photo albums with some other girls from school. He was glad that Kairi was taking care of her and keeping her mind off Roxas… The small blonde had seemed a bit worried before, but at least she didn't know that Roxas and Axel used to have a relationship. He wondered if he was supposed to tell her, but decided for maybe the fiftieth time that it would be better to just wait until Roxas got back and hear what he had to say.

That was also why he hadn't told Kairi anything yet. He suspected that she would be of the opinion that it was 'something Naminé had a right to know', and even though he kind of agreed with that, he just couldn't rat his cousin out before giving him a chance to explain things himself. He didn't like it one bit, though.

Naminé seemed to be a sweet girl, and it really wasn't appropriate for Roxas to sneak away with an ex boyfriend on his anniversary! And especially not when that ex boyfriend was someone that Riku was in love with… If he found out something fishy really had been going on, he was going to be very upset with his cousin.

He looked wistfully at the other teenagers dancing and having fun, and wished that he didn't know anything about this mess. He should be among them too, dancing with Kairi…

Sighing, he started walking for the kitchen to check on Riku.

X

The beach at sunset.

It was a magnificent sight, with the palm trees cutting dramatic, dark silhouettes against the bold colours of the sky, and the sun's dying light playing over the waves as it sunk beyond the horizon. The sand seemed to stretch on forever in both directions, and far away there were other people moving. Lovers or just people walking their dogs, Axel didn't really care which, as long as they were nowhere close. He wanted this time and place just to himself and Roxas, who was walking by his side with his hands shoved in his pockets and his head turned down. He seemed to be somewhere far away in his mind, not even paying attention to the beautiful scenery, and Axel wondered if he was having second thoughts about coming here with him.

He hoped not. In his mind it was perfect.

"Are you cold?" he asked, just to have something to say, though it actually was getting chillier. It must be because they were so close to the ocean, because usually the nights were warm.

"A little." Roxas shrugged and cast a quick glance at him. Then he surprised Axel by stepping closer and wrapping an arm around his waist. "Before you try some cheesy move," he offered as explanation.

Axel rolled his eyes, giving out a slight chuckle. He actually had been about to make a small move on Roxas… "What," he joked, draping his arm over Roxas shoulders and pulling him a little tighter to him, "don't you want me to warm you on this chilly evening?"

"No." Axel was surprised again as Roxas stopped and wound both arms around him somewhat hesitantly, leaning in to rest his head against his chest. "No excuses. I want you to be honest with what you feel… why you're doing this."

Doing what?

"I… want to know what's going on."

Axel wet his lips. He was having a bad case of the butterflies with Roxas so close, holding him… Why was he holding him? This could not be brushed off as friendly comfort, like earlier in the bushes; this was stepping into forbidden territory. Though it was territory that used to be theirs.

"I'm not sure what's going on," he whispered, laying his head on top of Roxas', so that he could smell his hair and feel it against his cheek. God, how long had it been since he had held him like this? He let the arm that was not already slung around Roxas' shoulder slide around his waist, and placed his hand in the small of Roxas' back, just revelling in the feeling of his body pressed against his.

It was so damn good to have him back in his arms, to find out that he had been wrong. Roxas didn't hate him… He had moved on, but apparently there was still some small place left for Axel in his heart. He took a deep breath, and continued, "…whatever is going on, I like it."

Roxas kissed him then, and Axel let him. For a moment he wondered if it was really such a smart idea, with Riku and Roxas' girlfriend waiting back at the party… He didn't give a shit what she thought; Roxas had been his before she had even met him, but he didn't want Roxas to get in trouble because of him. Axel would probably be in a lot of trouble if Riku found out about this, but what the hell… It wasn't just any guy he was kissing, it was Roxas.

It wasn't like he had promised Riku to not see other guys either, though he guessed it was one of those silent agreements. He sure didn't want Riku to be with anyone else, and he thought he had managed to get the message across... It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to assume that Riku expected the same of him. But again, this wasn't anyone, and everything is fair in love and war, wasn't that how the saying went?

As if sensing he needed a distraction, Roxas ran his tongue over Axel's lower lip, before pulling away to look him deep in the eyes, and all doubts – hell; all thoughts whatsoever – were washed away, as Axel stared back into endless blue.

He pulled Roxas back and bent down to kiss him again and again until their bodies were pressed tightly together and their limbs all tangled up in each other. They fell down in the sand, rolling over so that Roxas was lying on top of Axel, and then continued kissing. It felt familiar, but also strangely new, as if they hadn't already done this hundreds of times. Most of all it just felt so damn right, like they needed this… Axel couldn't concentrate enough to make any deeper analysis than that, not when Roxas' fingers were tangling in his hair and he was breathing his name against his lips. It was just so fucking good and Axel didn't want to think about anything other than Roxas hot tongue slipping in and out of his mouth.

He had no idea how long they were making out, but the fading sunlight was replaced with moonlight when they parted again. He had felt his cell phone vibrate in his back pocket several times, and he was glad he had put it on silent earlier so Roxas couldn't hear it. No doubt it was Riku wondering where the hell he was...

It made him feel a little guilty, but only a little. Somehow the emotion seemed to be floating in a void outside him, like if he and Roxas were no longer part of the rest of the world, but had entered a strange pocket in time where they still belonged to each other.

He smiled and ran his fingers through Roxas' hair, over his cheek. "Our relationship may have been messed up, but at least we got the kissing right."

Roxas gave out a small laugh and smiled back at him almost shyly. "Yeah… I had almost forgotten how fucking great it was."

That comment called for another kiss, but they soon broke apart again, too exhausted to get at it seriously again. Axel's lips felt swollen and sore when he ran his tongue over them, tasting blood. Roxas rolled off him and curled up by his side, resting his head on his shoulder.

"It feels so weird," he sighed. "Like a dream."

Axel could only agree, understanding exactly what he meant. Their relationship was in the past and this was an illusion; a memory, and they would have to wake up eventually. Not yet, though.

"Probably the best dream I ever had," he said and watched as the shadows on Roxas face shifted to outline his sudden smile.

"Do you really mean that?"

"Yeah." Axel smiled, absently running a hand through Roxas hair and wondering why his heart felt so light. "How about you?"

"I don't know… Just a few hours ago I was wishing I had never met you, and now I'm making out with you on my one year anniversary."

Axel just gave out a slight grunt in reply. He had kind of wished Roxas wouldn't bring up his girlfriend or that what they had just done was highly inappropriate. This was their moment, and he just wanted to enjoy it and deal with the consequences later.

They lay together in silence for a while. The sand was cold and a little damp, and the chill was starting to get to Axel, now when the passionate kisses had ended. He tried to think up something to say that was not about Riku or Naminé or what would happen now. It would just suck too much if the dream was over already.

"What's Riku like? In bed, I mean?"

Axel frowned and sat up on his elbow, looking down at Roxas hesitantly. The choice of topic surprised him, to say the least. "Uh… Do you really want to talk about that?"

Roxas made a shrugging motion, smiling slightly. "I'm curious… Is he good?" It was hard to tell in the darkness, but Axel thought he could see a blush darkening Roxas' cheeks. "He's really hot…"

"Rocko!" Axel smirked and poked Roxas's side. "Have you been checking him out?" For some reason he found the idea amusing and wasn't bothered by it at all; he would gladly share Riku with Roxas (though not with anyone else). Just as long as they didn't start liking each other more than him… now that thought bothered him.

"No!" Rokas squeaked, squirming away from Axel's poking fingers. "Just a little…"

"Well…" Axel stopped torturing him and leaned back on his shoulder. He didn't know if this was a very good subject… It wasn't just that he preferred to not think about Riku right now, he also wondered how Roxas would react if he told him how fucking amazing Riku really was between the sheets. He sure as hell wouldn't want to hear, or even think, about Roxas in bed with his girlfriend. He wasn't going to lie to him, though, and he had asked for it…

"'Good' just doesn't even begin to describe it…" he admitted.

He watched Roxas expression closely, but he didn't seem offended, he just nodded and pursed his lips as if he was thinking about something.

"What does he do that is so great?"

Axel raised an eyebrow. "What does he do?" Again the question was a little strange, but he couldn't help a grin creeping onto his lips as he thought about all the things that made Riku the best goddamn fuck ever. "I don't know if it's so much about what he does as it's about his attitude towards it… I mean, sure he's a great kisser and he gives good head, but what I really like is how he's so fucking dirty and innocent at the same time…" Wasn't that the truth. Riku could be all shy smiles and blushes one moment, and then he would shock Axel by just doing something incredibly dirty or suggestive in the next. He felt a little warmer as he remembered Riku placing his hand on his hip and teasing him about the rules earlier.

"He just drives me crazy… He's really curious and lets me do whatever I want to him; obviously I like that!" He smirked at Roxas, who was watching him with his mouth slightly open, and then continued. "He loves taking it up the ass and he doesn't mind being handled a little roughly; in fact I think he's turned on by feeling like a dirty slut… Sometimes when I accidentally pull his hair or something, he just moans like you wouldn't believe... That's another good thing, that he's loud… You can really tell when he appreciates something!" He paused, searching for the right words to wrap up his rant, while images of Riku naked on his back flashed through his mind. "He just loves to fuck. And on top of that, he's so sinfully gorgeous… Sometimes I think I could get off just by looking at him."

Roxas looked at him, somewhat wide-eyed. "Wow… It sure sounds like you're enjoying yourself…"

Axel snickered. "Maybe you should go home with us tonight?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

Roxas turned his gaze down, suddenly looking not so happy.

"What's the matter?" Axel touched his face, worried that he may have been talking about Riku a little too affectionately. It was just kind of hard to hold back when he started thinking about it… He had even been wishing lately that Marluxia was here and still his friend, so he could high-five him and brag about Riku's greatness. Sometimes he felt like he was just bursting to tell someone.

Roxas took a deep breath. "I just… It doesn't feel so good that we – that I'm… That it was never any good."

"I know…" Axel suddenly felt bad again. He had always wished that there was at least one good memory of him and Roxas in bed together, but there wasn't. Some were better than others, but they all ended with Roxas sobbing or writhing in pain or fear, or doing the all-time classic dead fish routine.

Not having anything nice to think back to had almost been the worst thing of all after the break up. He had wanted to remember Roxas wrapping his legs around him and smiling up at him, but instead his memories had only told him that he was a monster and that Roxas had done the right thing escaping him. Missing someone so much it hurt, while knowing it was your own fault they were not around anymore, really wasn't a good feeling.

"I wanted it to be good, but I…" He sighed. How could he even try to explain this? "I wanted you so much, and I was used to, uh… kind of rough sex, and patience have never been one of my virtues, so… I guess I kind of forced myself on you."

"I could have said no." Roxas shrugged, but he looked as if he was close to tears. "I also wanted it to be good… You really turned me on, and I thought a lot about sex, but the real thing was just too..."

"Hey… Don't blame yourself. You were so young… it's only natural that you felt that way. And I know it's not always so easy to say no." He stroked Roxas cheek as gently as he could, amazed that it felt so different from what he remembered. More angular, with a hint of stubble… "I'm not sure I would have listened anyway. And I shouldn't have been talking about Riku like that…" Though you asked.

It made him happier than it should to hear Roxas say that he had turned him on, and that he had wanted to have sex at least in theory. In his darkest moments he had thought that maybe Roxas had never felt anything but scared and disgusted with his sexual advances, but maybe he had actually liked it at least a little..? He was ashamed that it felt so good to think like that, since what he had done to Roxas was still horrible… But it did feel good.

He smiled and tapped Roxas nose with his index finger, about to ask if he still turned him on, but Roxas spoke before him.

"Am I the worst sex you ever had?"

Axel stared at him incredulously. What was with these weird questions? It hadn't exactly been good, but worst? It had still been them; how on earth could that be worst? Did Roxas really think that Axel was going around thinking about him as nothing but a bad lay?

"No way! It wasn't so great that you didn't seem to like what we were doing at all, but at least I did. Worst… Jesus, do you even know what kind of freaks I've run into?"

Roxas let out a sniffling chuckle, sounding relieved. "Tell me!"

"Eh…" Axel didn't know if he wanted to, the worst times had been really bad, and some of those times he really preferred not thinking about. He had always been too skinny to be able to put up much of a fight, and there were lots of people out there who didn't have any moral qualms about taking advantage of that. What the hell, though. Roxas already had so much dirt on him, and he was sort of feeling chatty. And making Roxas feel better was more important than any discomfort on his part, anyway.

"Once I followed this body builder guy home… I guess I was intrigued by all the muscle, or something. He seemed alright at first, but as soon as we got inside his apartment, he just went completely crazy. I think he was on steroids or something… He got me into a stranglehold, and I seriously thought he was going to kill me, but every time I was about to pass out he loosened the grip a little so I could get some air before he started again. He had a huge cock too, and he tore me up so bad when he fucked me I couldn't walk straight for a week." He shrugged. "That was a pretty bad one…"

Even if Axel could remember much worse incidents, Roxas was still staring at him with wide eyes. "That's horrible!" he exclaimed in a kind of whispered shout. "I… I thought you were going to tell me about someone who farted or drooled on you, or something…"

Axel stared back at him, at his blue eyes that were filled with sympathy and worry. To be so naïve… He wondered what that was like, thinking that farting or drooling was the worst things that could happen during sex, and suddenly he felt so completely broken. Used up. People were not supposed to have the kind of experiences he had.

He wished he hadn't said anything, or at least that he had chosen to tell Roxas about a less colourful experience… He had slept with plenty of people whose worst crimes were their bad hygiene or that they were plain boring; he could have told Roxas about one of those times, made it into a funny story, made him laugh… The way he was looking at him now, with worry and pity, was stirring something up inside him, and it didn't feel good at all. He wasn't quite sure why, though.

"Was that when we were together?" Roxas wondered, reaching up to twirl a strand of his hair around his finger.

"No, it was some time before that…" It was when Axel still hadn't learned that people just couldn't be trusted. He would never follow someone home like that today.

"Good…" Roxas sighed. "I would have hated it if I had yelled at you about cheating after something like that…"

Axel chuckled, despite feeling increasingly miserable. He wasn't going to tell Roxas, but he actually had been yelling at him at some pretty inconvenient times… Some of the things he had done for money were just… It didn't matter though.

"It's okay, I don't think about that stuff very often."

"You don't?" Roxas voice was hesitant. "That doesn't sound like the kind of experience you just shrug off…"

"Well, I was scared, but I didn't die, he just fucked me… And that was pretty much the plan from the beginning, anyway." He rolled over, turning his back on Roxas. Even though he truly didn't think that time mattered that much anymore (that guy probably just had some strangulation fetish he had to decided to live out whether Axel liked it or not), he still felt filthy talking about it. Roxas was right, it shouldn't be something you just shrugged off, but somehow he could. Probably because he had been used and let people use him so many times before that he just didn't care anymore. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Axel…" Roxas sounded sad when he wrapped his arms around him from behind and pressed his face into Axel's neck. "About us… I'm sorry too."

"What do you mean?"

It took a while before Roxas answered, but when he did Axel was oddly touched.

"I thought you were so strong, that you could handle anything… I wish I could have seen that you had your problems too. Maybe I could have been more of a support then… And less of a brat, you know?"

"Rox!" He flipped over, so that he once again was facing Roxas, knocking him down on his back in the process. "You didn't do anything wrong!" He shook his head and felt one corner of his mouth pull up in a smirk, as he looked down on him. "If I didn't want a brat, I shouldn't have robbed the cradle…"

Roxas chuckled, but the serious expression never left his face. "And if I didn't want to get burned I shouldn't have played with fire… I mean it, Axel… I've been so mad at you for so long, but maybe we were just a bad combination? Like we brought out the worst in each other. Maybe we tried our best, but being who we are, there just wasn't much we could do?"

"I don't know, Rox…" What he was saying did make some sense, Axel had been wishing sometimes that Roxas would have been a little more mature, would have understood him better… He had been seeing everything in black and white like young teens very often did, and that hadn't exactly been ideal with so many of Axel's actions belonging in the darker light spectrum. The constant criticism had really grated on him, but still…"You were just a kid, but I wasn't. I should have known better."

Roxas just looked up at him, a mysterious smile curling his lips and his eyes like dark pools in the faint light. "I'm not a kid anymore."

Axel chuckled, a little surprised with Roxas forwardness, because if that wasn't an invitation, he didn't know what was. "I noticed."

Leaning over Roxas, he bent down to claim his mouth again. Just a soft kiss, since his lips felt so sore and Roxas' didn't seem to be in any better shape, but it still sent small jolts of electricity down his spine.

Roxas kissed him back, just as softly, but his hands were eager as they found their way up under Axel's T-shirt, running over his back and sides. Axel didn't know if it was the touches or his sudden anticipation that made his entire body shiver and tingle. Maybe it was the shock of Roxas for once wanting him and initiating something that was more than just kissing.

He started feeling out Roxas body, more boldly than before, taking note of all the little things that had changed and the things that were still familiar. Nipples hardening under his fingertips, toned, flat stomach clenching under his touch, coarse hair trailing from his belly button down into his pants, where Axel could feel his erection growing fast.

Feeling Roxas' body respond to him wasn't totally unfamiliar, but it hadn't come effortless and willingly like this when they were together, and Axel loved it.

He could tell that Roxas loved it too, or at least his body did…Although it worried him a little that his hands had started to shake so much, and that his breathing was starting to sound shallow and irregular, almost panicked.

"Are you sure about this?" he whispered in his ear.

Roxas swallowed audibly, but there was no hesitation in his eyes when Axel pulled away to look at him. "I want to know what it's like now when I'm not just a scared little kid."

"I think you seem a little scared," Axel pointed out. He would gladly admit he was scared himself… what if he hurt Roxas again? He would never be able to forgive himself then.

"Well, can you blame me?" Roxas sent him a small glare, but his expression soon softened again. "It's nothing like when we were together, though... I feel – I want it now."

He wanted it? Axel looked down on his ex boyfriend, taking in his no longer quite so boyish features and the foreign expression upon them. Lust.

He wasn't just lying to make Axel happy, he did want it, and Axel thought he could understand, because he wanted it too. Or rather, he wanted something about them that was beautiful and pure… If he could have Roxas here, on the shimmering sand under a starlit sky he would never have to think about pressing him up against the wall in some dirty toilet again.

"I'll give you anything you want," he promised, looking deep into Roxas eyes and realizing with a small amount of horror that he actually meant it. It would be far too easy to just fall into this moment, to believe in this dream. To love.

Had he really ever stopped loving Roxas anyway?

Roxas didn't tell him what he wanted, he just put his arms around Axels neck, pulling him down for another kiss that was almost unbearably slow and sensual, turning Axel's blood into molten lava and again clearing his mind from all conscious thought.

He did however remember to let Roxas set the pace this time, and kept his hands occupied with 'safe' areas of Roxas body. His hips, sides…his hair and his face. At first Roxas also kept his touches innocent, but after a while his hands started to stray, shyly and carefully feeling him out.

Axel remembered that he hadn't used to touch him much when they were together, not in a sexual way, anyway. Maybe he had been afraid that Axel would take anything that wasn't chaste as an invitation to sex… Maybe he had wanted to experiment, but just hadn't been ready to take it as far as Axel wanted. Maybe he would have been ready if Axel had given him some time.

He had been such an idiot… He didn't know why Roxas was giving him this second chance, but he would take it and he would do everything right this time. Roxas could have all the time he wanted… Axel really enjoyed his slow exploration of his body, anyway. It wasn't necessarily the sexiest experience in his life, but he felt loved, appreciated, and coming from Roxas that meant a lot to him.

He shivered as Roxas ran a hand through the hair at the small of his back, coming dangerously close to sliding a finger down his pants and in between his butt cheeks. All those careful touches was beginning to feel increasingly erotic, teasing Axel's erogenous zones without giving him enough to feel really good.

It was torture and bliss at the same time.

Maybe Roxas wouldn't mind if he sped things up just a little? He started unbuttoning his shirt, and Roxas moaned his name into his mouth when his skin was exposed to the chilly air. Axel suddenly realized that they had stopped kissing, but that their lips were still pressed together, like they had both just forgotten what they had been doing. Whispering Roxas name back, he remedied that by moving his lips against his, slowly sucking them until Roxas responded hungrily.

Removing the rest of their clothes was slow. It was cold, and both of them seemed to be unwilling to pull away from the other for very long. That dream-like feeling still lingered, and Axel caught himself irrationally fearing that Roxas would just dissolve into the sand if he let go of him. The need for skin-on-skin contact finally prevailed though, and after a while they were lying tangled up and naked in the sand, using Axel's T-shirt as a makeshift blanket.

"Jesus, Roxas," he whispered into his ear as he let his tongue delve into it, "Do you have any idea how I've been longing for this?"

Roxas just gave out a muffled moan, arching up towards Axel so that their hips rolled together in a very satisfying way.

"I've missed you so fucking much…"

"Axel…" Roxas voice was hoarse and pleading, and his hands shook as they reached down to wrap around Axel's cock, steering it in between his legs.

"Easy…" Axel leaned on his left elbow as he put a hand on Roxas wrist, stopping him. "Not like that; wait a minute…"

He groped for his pants, lying abandoned to the side, reaching into the pockets until he found what he was looking for. He had brought one of those small once-only use packages of lube that were often handed out along with condoms at clinics or concerts and festivals… Riku had said that sex was absolutely out of the question tonight, but Axel had thought it was best to be prepared, just in case Riku would be more open to the prospect after a couple of beers.

He ripped the package open with his teeth and handed it to Roxas, smirking. "Always prepared…"

Roxas chuckled as he squirted out the contents of the small bag in his hand. "I should have guessed… Here I was getting worried all for no reason."

Worried… Axel bit his lip. He really wanted to be on top, but…

"You can do me if this scares you…"

Roxas was silent for a moment, looking up at Axel with an expression Axel couldn't make out with the darkness turning his face into a hazy blur. He thought he was considering it, but then he shook his head.

"No… I don't want to be scared of it anymore. Just… you know. Heh… be gentle, I guess?"

Axel chuckled, but nodded, closing his eyes and gasping as Roxas' hand once again closed around him, moist and slick. He would be anything Roxas wanted.

The lovemaking was an almost spiritual experience, with the rhythm of the waves rolling into shore guiding their motions. It was slow and sweet, and very different from how Axel usually did it, but no less exciting. Their lips remained locked together the whole time, although sometimes they were just breathing into each other's mouths, getting dizzy from the lack of oxygen.

Roxas was clinging to him tightly, trying to meet Axel's thrusts with his hips, and it was evident from his ragged breathing and low moans that he was enjoying himself. Unlike Riku, Roxas was a quiet lover, but Axel didn't mind. It only made him even more aware of every subtle change in his breathing pattern and body language, and made every moan and gasp feel like a victory. Strangely it also made him more aware of his own sounds, his own pleasure.

As much as this was for Roxas, it was also for him, and closing his eyes, he focused inwards on what felt good for himself, and just trusted that it would make Roxas feel good too. He wasn't worried about hurting him anymore, not with Roxas response being so eager… He had both his arms and legs wrapped around Axel's waist and back, and one hand tangled in his hair, much like Riku always had.

They must have been lying there for quite a while, but Axel still wished time would just freeze when Roxas suddenly whimpered his name and he could feel his cum pulse out on his stomach. He wanted to just continue fucking him forever, and he almost regretted it when the feeling of Roxas tightening and clenching from the aftershocks pushed him too over the edge.

The orgasm was intense though, and Roxas held him and kissed his moans away as he released inside him. That was definitely something new, and it made Axel's heart ache with emotion in the midst of his rush of pleasure. He opened his eyes and wished that the moonlight would have been brighter, so he could have seen the colour of Roxas' eyes. That brilliant sky blue that just made you want to soar.

Instead he was coming back down to earth, to weak and trembling limbs, sore lips and chilly air, but also to a warm and welcoming body in his arms, and he smiled. It was over, but it had been good… more than good. Sex was really something else when it was with someone that mattered, not just something you were doing.

His grin widened and he sought out Roxas eyes.

"This is what your first time should have been like," he told him, stroking away a sweaty lock of hair from his forehead. And my first time too…

Roxas smiled tiredly (but happily) and reached up to touch Axel's cheek. "We can pretend it was… I don't remember my first time anyway."

"Yeah…" Axel felt a twinge of shame and smiled at Roxas apologetically. "That's probably a good thing. I was just wasted and had no idea what I was doing; I doubt it was very pleasant."

"This was, though…" Roxas smiled and kissed his cheek, an expression of childlike wonder on his face. Axel felt a little better and grinned at him.

"Sure was."

They lay there cuddling and giggling and just enjoyed the afterglow for a while, but as their bodies calmed down, it was soon starting to get cold again, and they had to get up.

Putting their clothes back on was slightly awkward. Roxas had to go into the ocean to clean up between his legs and Axel had to go in after him to try and wash away the cum-stains from his T-shirt. Since they had nothing to use as a towel, they had to don their clothes while still wet, and even though they tried to shake the sand off the garments, it still seemed to be everywhere. Slowly the magical feeling was slipping away as the real world with its thousands of little inconveniences made itself known again, and the inevitable question was hanging in the air.

What happens now?

Glancing over at Roxas, who was struggling to slide his jeans over his wet legs, Axel could see that he was watching him worriedly as well, probably wondering the same thing but not wanting to bring it up.

But someone would have to do it…

"Are you going to tell her?" Axel asked, thinking it was a less direct way to approach the subject.

"I don't know…" Roxas shrugged, and looked at him hesitantly. "Are you going to tell Riku?"

At least Axel knew the answer to that. He shook his head firmly. "Why would I? It would only piss him off, and he's not even my boyfriend anyway."

Roxas nodded and said nothing more. Axel wished he would, so that he could understand what he was thinking. Maybe he was already regretting everything and just wanted to go back to his girlfriend to pretend it never happened? It scared him that this may be the last time he ever saw Roxas, or at least had a chance to talk to him.

"Can't you say something, Roxy?" he pleaded.

"I don't know…" Roxas gave him a small smile. "What do you want to hear?"

That was a good question, and Axel had no real answer. Maybe somewhere deep within, he wished that Roxas would just say that he still loved him, and that he wanted them to be together again, but he had no idea what he should answer to such a proposition.

It had taken him so long to stop thinking about Roxas… So much pain. Why would it work this time when it hadn't before? They had both changed, but that was still no guarantee that it would work out. Maybe it was worth taking the risk, though. The feelings were still there…

He must have looked as lost as he felt, because Roxas hopped over to him, his pants still only halfway up, and hugged him.

"I think…" he took a deep breath, and looked into Axels eyes. "Maybe we should see this as a happy end to our sad story?"

Axel's heart died a little. "You mean I'm never going to see you again?"

"I didn't say that…" Roxas hugged him tighter. "But we're both involved with other people… It just doesn't feel right."

"Maybe you shouldn't have kissed me then," Axel muttered.

Roxas gave him a loose punch in the gut. "I said 'happy end'! I don't regret kissing you. I don't regret anything."

Axel took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "But you don't want it to happen again."

"Yes, I do." Roxas smiled and pinched Axel's butt, and he couldn't help chuckling at that. "But, you know… We were never very good together. I mean, I still have feelings for you, but who's to say it's not just going to end in disaster again? I don't think I could take that… And… It's a little different with Naminé, but I'm happy…"

Roxas looked up at him, his eyes large and filled with emotion. Axel had to look away, feeling an irrational sting of pain in his heart. Roxas seemed to be reasoning very much like himself, so he didn't really understand why it hurt so much to hear him speak like that, but it did.

"Yeah, stay with the girl," he muttered. "I never made anyone happy, that's for sure."

"I never made you happy either," Roxas whispered, turning his head down.

Axel had no answer to that, because it was true.

"Bad combination, huh?" he said after a long period of silence. "Maybe you're right about the happy end."

Roxas looked up again, and Axel thought he could see tears in his eyes, glimmering in the moonlight. "It feels like I'm breaking up with you again…"

"Rox… It's okay." Axel put his arms around him, suddenly wanting to comfort him. "I want you to be happy. I wish I could have made you happy, but I screwed up…" Then he broke down in tears himself, letting out heavy sobs into Roxas hair. It did feel like they were breaking up…

But it wasn't like the last time, when Axel's entire world had seemed to shrink and lose all colour and meaning. This felt more bittersweet… Maybe if everything had been different, if they hadn't met at the completely wrong time, when Axel's life was just a destructive chaos and Roxas was too young and unsure of himself to keep his footing in that downward spiral; maybe then they could have been happy.

But now things were as they were, and it was too late to do anything about it. At least they had this evening now; a taste of what could have been and a beautiful memory of each other. And that was fucking something.

X

Roxas felt Axel's thumb stroke his fingers as they neared Selpie's house hand in hand. The music could be heard faintly even out here on the street, and Roxas saw the silhouettes of people dancing inside through the windows. Seemed like the party had picked up the pace…

It was unlikely that anyone would see them when it was so dark outside, but Roxas let go of Axel's hand anyway, casting a regretful glance at him. He wondered if he had made a mistake making up with him… In a way it had been so much easier to be angry. He hadn't missed him or worried about him then, but now he knew he would.

They had decided that from now on they would just bury all old grudges, and pretend they were old friends. They would tell everyone at the party that they had just been taking a walk on the beach, doing some catching up… In a way it was even true.

No one, except maybe Riku, would have any reason to doubt their story, but Roxas still felt his stomach twist into a tight knot of nervousness as they climbed the stairs leading up to the front door. It felt like what they had just done was etched into his forehead in large, burning letters, and for maybe the tenth time he tried to brush any remaining sand off his jeans and straightened his shirt.

The fact that Axel had told Riku about him and Axel having been a couple worried him. He still wasn't sure how serious Riku's and Axel's strange relationship was… Axel seemed to like Riku a lot, even though he kept stressing that they weren't boyfriends. Roxas wondered how Riku was looking at it. He couldn't quite forget how he had fought to keep his face expressionless when Roxas asked Axel to come away and have a smoke with him… And now they had been gone for who knew how long. He had last checked the time when he turned off his cell phone as he and Axel were heading down to the beach, but he was sure that was several hours ago.

It seemed very likely to him that Riku might be pissed off about them being gone for so long… He still remembered one day when they were kids, when Roxas and Sora had gone away to play alone. The tantrum Riku had thrown when they got back had not been funny… That was a long time ago, though; Roxas had only been about six years old, but even when older, Riku could still get downright weird when he felt left out, or when you got between him and something he regarded as his.

Roxas could only hope he had kept what he knew to himself. Naminé didn't even know he was bisexual… If she suddenly found out he had been lying about his sexuality and that the guy he had been away with for hours really was his ex boyfriend, he could imagine that she would get a little suspicious.

He hadn't really been lying to her, though… he just hadn't told her, because he hadn't seen the point. Not that he thought she would have any problems with it; he just honestly hadn't thought that he would ever want to be with a guy again. And now he had cheated on her, on their anniversary, with his ex boyfriend…

The thought made him squirm uncomfortably.

He did feel bad about it, but somehow it seemed to him like he wasn't feeling nearly as bad as he should. He wasn't regretting anything, he was just afraid that she would somehow find out, and he realized that that was probably not what you were supposed to be feeling when you had just cheated on someone.

He watched Axel as he tried the handle and found the door open. A thin wedge of light from within illuminated his face as he turned to Roxas with a half-smile that looked a little sad.

"Ready to get back to the real world?"

Roxas nodded, having a hard time tearing his gaze from him. Despite being so thin and a little weird-looking, Axel was beautiful. Maybe not in the conventional way, but still beautiful. He felt a slight heat in his cheeks as he remembered him groaning in pleasure on top of him. He had been the one making him give out those sounds, no one else, and something about that just felt so indescribably good..

Could it really be so bad when it had felt so good?

Not rushed or forced, just… sweet, almost romantic, with the endless kissing and the slow but firm pace. The insight that he could enjoy sex with another guy, and the exhilarating rush of self esteem from discovering that someone like Axel could enjoy having sex with him. Axel had slept with countless guys, a lot of them probably much more experienced and better looking than Roxas, but he had still enjoyed his touches and kisses, and that was all the confirmation Roxas needed.

If he was good enough for Axel, he was good enough for anyone.

He wouldn't ever have to feel like he was just being with Naminé because he was too much of a coward to fall in love with a guy again, and he didn't think she would have anything to hold against that.

Something also told him that once all the feelings that were swirling and warring inside him had calmed down and settled into place, he was going to feel better about himself and his own life than he had in a long time.

X

They snuck inside the house quietly. There were people sitting in the hallway, but no one they recognized, and everyone seemed to busy drinking and talking to pay much attention to them. Axel smiled to himself. Even if he felt slightly empty inside after his little adventure with Roxas being over, maybe he could still get drunk and enjoy the party for a couple of hours.

When they entered the living room though, where most of the people seemed to be flocking, they were spotted by Sora. His jaw clenched, and as he walked up to them the frown on his face deepened.

Axel looked down as he felt Roxas hand rub against his for a short moment. He was staring at Sora, and the expression on his face was nervous and worried. Axel wanted to take his hand and tell him to relax, but he had to settle for just keeping his own appearance of calm.

"Where were you?" Sora demanded of Roxas in a hushed voice, as he reached them. When Roxas didn't answer immediately, he shook his head and continued. "Never mind. Let's go, I have to talk to you before –"

"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN!"

Axel thought he heard Sora groan slightly, and he looked up just in time to see Riku stalk towards him, pushing people out of his way like they were nothing but obstacles. Not even Sora was spared; Riku shoved him to the side, seemingly not even hearing the yelp he gave out. Axel swallowed as his lover was suddenly standing before him, looking absolutely furious, and reeking of alcohol.

"Answer," he hissed, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from Roxas' side forcefully.

"I went for a walk with Rox –"

"Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"Uh, I…" Axel had prepared an explanation for that, but it seemed like Riku wasn't interested in hearing it, since he didn't even give Axel time to answer before he grabbed his T-shirt and slammed him up against the wall, the impact making a painting crash to the floor. Axel hit the back of his head pretty hard, and his vision blurred for a short moment. When it cleared again, Riku was pinning him to the wall using his entire body, and then suddenly he kissed him hard.

Axel struggled vainly, unable to understand what was happening. He didn't want to be doing this in front of Roxas, and he knew Riku wouldn't want to be doing it in front of everyone. Yet he was, and Axel could only whimper and try to keep up as the too hard kisses stung his already bruised lips.

Then suddenly he was released, and Axel opened his eyes in time to see Riku whip around and stalk up to Roxas, towering over him threateningly.

"He's mine! I don't care if you were his boyfriend, you don't fucking touch him!" he growled, and for a second Axel thought he was going to hit Roxas. He took a step forward, but didn't have time to do much more before Sora was suddenly at Riku's side, grabbing his arm and holding him back.

"Riku! Calm down! Please!"

Axel leaned back towards the wall and looked around the room nervously. Riku had been shouting loud enough to be heard over the music, and sure enough people were staring. Some at him, but most of them were looking wide-eyed at Riku.

Like it or not, he was out of the closet now…

Riku didn't seem to notice though. He could probably have broken loose of Sora's grip easily if he had wanted to, but he just stood there staring down at him angrily and swaying slightly, oblivious to the stares he was getting. How drunk was he?

"You're kind of making a scene, Riku!" Sora whispered hotly. "I know you're angry, but are you sure you want to be talking about this now? In front of everyone? Just go home and get some sleep! Take Axel with you, and you can talk on the way."

Thank god for Sora.

Riku looked up and turned his head toward Axel, and the look in his eyes was just indescribable. Hurt and furious and confused… His face may have been flushed from the alcohol, and his eyes heavy and glazed, but he was still so fucking beautiful, and that look… It really got to Axel. Slowly a feeling of guilt was beginning to creep up on him.

It got even worse when his gaze flickered over to Roxas, who was just looking like he wanted to sink through the floor, away from all the stares. Someone had turned on the light, and suddenly Axel could clearly see that Roxas' clothes were wrinkled and sandy, his hair a mess and his lips still red and swollen from the kissing… in short, the veritable icon of someone that had just got laid. Axel probably looked the same.

So much for keeping it a secret...

He took a careful step towards Riku, but stopped when Sora fixed him with a seething glare. A tightly controlled fury was burning in his blue eyes, and Axel could tell he had his idea of what had happened all figured out. "You should take Riku home," he suggested, though it sounded more like an order. "Make sure he gets some sleep, and then I think you have some explaining to do tomorrow."

Tomorrow. That would probably be best…

As Riku walked up to him and grabbed his arm to drag him away, Axel cast a last glance at Roxas. He wasn't looking back at him though; he was looking towards Naminé, who in turn was staring back at him, eyes large and confused. Kairi was standing beside her with an arm around her slim shoulders, but her eyes were furious just as Sora's, and directed towards Axel.

He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what, and he didn't get any time either. Riku tugged at his arm, his strong fingers violently digging into his wrist, and he had no choice but to follow.

It scared him to see how upset Riku was; he hadn't expected something like this at all. He had expected him to be a little pissy about him disappearing and not answering his phone, but usually Riku's anger was a cold, quiet one, directed inwards and easy to ignore. Honestly, he had expected to find him sitting in a corner sulking, and that he would be able to cheer him up with a couple of kisses and lies about what he'd really been doing.

Instead he found himself being dragged along out the door and onto the road at a pace he could barely even keep up with.

"Can we please slow down?" he panted. "You're hurting me."

There was no response, just another sharp tug at his arm that made Axel curse under his breath, his temper flaring up.

"Let go! Can't we talk about this?"

That made Riku stop so abruptly that Axel stumbled forward, and ironically, Riku's vice-like grip on his arm was the only thing keeping him upright.

"Oh, now you want to talk?" Riku grabbed the collar of his T-shirt and pulled him down face to face with him, still not letting go of his arm. "Guess what," he growled, "I don't want to talk to you. You should just shut up if you know what's best for you, because I'm this close to breaking your fucking nose!" He let go of Axel's collar to gesture a small space between his thumb and index finger.

Unfortunately Axel didn't know what was best for him, and if he did, he just didn't care anymore. Something had clicked into place inside him, there on the beach with Roxas. He was fed up with people thinking they could just do whatever the fuck they wanted with him, be it sex or violence on their minds. Just because he was skinny, just because he had slept with more people than he could count, he was no one else's fucking playground, not even Riku's.

"Fuck you," he growled back. "You can hit me all you want, you think people haven't hit me before? Just go ahead; I'm a fucking stick figure, so it's not like you've got anything to be afraid of, is there?" Somewhere inside him he realized that even if Riku's threat had really pissed him off, the fury that was building up inside him was way out of proportion, and may not even have very much to do with Riku in the first place. He was too angry to stop though, and it just felt good to pour everything out of him.

"And I'm just a worthless, fucking whore anyway, so who cares what I think? Just hit me until I do as you say, it's so fucking easy, isn't it? No one cares, so why should you?" He was shouting those last words at the top of his lungs in Riku's face, and he expected the first blow to land on him in any moment.

"And how dare you speak to Roxas like that? I never agreed to be your fucking boyfriend! But you don't care what I think, do you? I thought you were different, but you're just like everyone else. You want me to be something I'm not, and when I can't live up to your fucking expectations, it's all my fault! Maybe I'm not exactly a saint, but I never said I was, so just FUCK OFF!"

He stared into Riku's eyes, not backing down. He truly didn't care what would happen to him at that moment, Riku could beat him up if he wanted to; it would only prove his point.

But the point remained unproven.

Riku stared back at him for a few moments, his eyes dim with alcohol and confusion. "What expectations? I don't… I just want us to be together." Their gazes remained locked for a short while longer, and then Riku turned and took off running down the street.

Axel let out a heavy breath and fell to his knees, heart pounding fiercely in his chest. The sudden rage was gone and left him feeling somewhat like a deflated balloon; an all too familiar experience.

I just want us to be together.

Shit and fuck and hell. He had probably just been very unfair to Riku, projecting all his earlier bad experiences onto him… It was true that he had no right to kiss him like that in front of Roxas or to manhandle and threaten him, but Axel knew how easily things got out of hand when you were very upset, and drunk on top of that.

Riku was in love with him, and Axel had told him that he just needed time to figure some things out before they could be together… Not exactly boyfriends, but it was a sort of commitment. Then Roxas had shown up, turning everything on its head. It was not at all strange that Riku was angry.

Still, there was something inside him that felt good, that was proud that he had not just given up and let Riku convince him that he deserved the treatment he got. It was something good that had happened with Roxas, something he just couldn't soil with guilt. It was something they had both deserved.

The more he thought about it, it felt like something had healed inside him, like an old ache that was just suddenly gone. He sat back and looked up at the stars. They never shone this brightly in the city…

Something about that fact soothed him, and taking a deep breath, he pushed himself onto his feet and started walking home. Hopefully everything would have calmed down tomorrow.

X

Waking up the next morning was undoubtedly one of the more unpleasant experiences in Riku's life.

His first sensory input was the absolutely vile taste on the back of his tongue, and when he groaned and shifted on his bed, it was like a spear of lightning shot through his head as a merciless headache descended upon him. He clutched his forehead miserably. How much had he been drinking last night?

Last night…

Suddenly it all came back to him. Slamming Axel up against the wall, kissing him in front of everyone. Yelling at him and Roxas both… Sora's blue eyes wide and pleading while telling him to calm down, to not make a scene. The walk home, actually threatening to break Axel's nose…

He groaned. What the hell had he done?

A wave of nervous nausea washed over him, and he sat up. He had to go over to Axel, talk to him, apologize… Make sure they were alright. He remembered being pretty rough with him as they walked home, how Axel's eyes had been almost scared before he just exploded with anger. Riku couldn't remember half the things that had poured out of him, but it had hinted at some really bad experiences in the past… Something about being hit before.

Oh, god. Maybe Axel had had an abusive father or an abusive boyfriend? In that case it wasn't hard to understand if he didn't take threats of violence very well, and Riku had been way out of line. It would even explain why Axel had such trust issues…

But it wasn't fair. How was he supposed to know what he could and couldn't say when Axel never told him anything? It was like fumbling around in total darkness; suddenly he was off the track and Axel never told him where he had gone wrong, only that he had.

It wasn't like he had really meant that he was going to hit him either… At least he didn't think so. He had just been too angry to talk.

Suddenly it all seemed so ridiculous to him. He had probably been overreacting, like always… Of course Axel would have a lot to say to Roxas if he had used to be his boyfriend! From what Riku had been able to discern from Axel's breakdown up in Selphie's brother's room, it hadn't exactly been a happy relationship, and maybe there were a lot of things they needed to clear out. Maybe Axel was even right that it was none of his business.

Driven by a sudden flare of anxiety, he jerked out of bed, desperate to go and see Axel right away, to set everything right. Unfortunately his balance wasn't at its best at the moment, and his head spun and his stomach churned with nausea. Oh shit. The bathroom, before…

He didn't have time to think much else before vomit sprayed out of him, barely missing the carpet. Helpless, he fell to his hands and knees on the floor, tears welling up in his eyes as his stomach emptied itself over and over again.

When there was nothing left inside him and the violent cramps in his abdomen calmed down, there was vomit everywhere. On his hands and face, sticking to his hair and bubbling out of his nose… He sobbed as he watched the mess in front of him. Everything was a mess now…

Suddenly he realized something else, and he almost threw up again. He had kissed Axel. In front of the entire party. How many had seen it? Did it even matter how many had seen it? Those who had would surely spread the word to those who had missed it… Shit, shit, shit. This was not how he had planned to come out of the closet.

"What have I done..?"

The urge to lie down and just give up was almost overwhelming, but he managed to steel himself. Maybe there was still some way he could fix this.

He would clean this mess up, clean himself up, and then he would go over to Axel. Tell him that he wasn't mad, that he could have his secrets and that he understood if he had things he needed to discuss with Roxas. Just as long as he didn't leave him…

Wouldn't it be ironic if everyone found out he was gay, if he would have to stand the stares and whispers without having Axel by his side, without anything making it worth it?

Having made his decision, he spit out a disgusting chunk of something that had lodged itself behind his front teeth, and pushed himself upright. For some reason he seemed to be feeling a little better now when his stomach was empty, and he headed for the shower.

Coming into the bathroom, he listened anxiously for sounds from Axel's apartment, but everything was quiet. No water running, no music playing. Was he still sleeping? Maybe it was still early; Riku hadn't had a chance to look at the time yet.

He stepped into the shower and cleaned himself off, washing his hair three times, though he still thought he stank faintly of vomit. It got better after he had brushed his teeth, but when he stepped out of the bathroom it was like walking into a wall of stench.

Almost feeling the need to heave again, Riku hurriedly opened the door to the balcony to clear the air. Hesitating a moment he stuck his head out to see if maybe Axel was out on his balcony, but he wasn't.

He sighed and begun wiping up the mess on the floor. It took almost an entire roll of toilet paper to get rid of the worst of it, and then he still had to scrub the floor afterwards… Getting into the bathroom to tap up a bucket of water, he sighed again.

His head was killing him, and his body screamed for more rest, but he was too on edge to be able to relax. He really hoped Axel would forgive him… Maybe if he could explain how worried he had been, he would understand. He would even promise him to never drink again if he wanted that. It wasn't like he enjoyed getting as drunk as yesterday, anyway. He had never even been that drunk before.

Suddenly his cell phone went off, and he threw himself over it, hoping that it was Axel.

It wasn't though, the caller ID said "Sora".

"Hello…" he answered warily, dreading the lecture he was probably about to receive for being so out of control last night.

"Hey… How are you?" To Riku's instant relief, Sora didn't sound mad at all, just worried.

"Well, I've been better," he admitted, clasping a hand over his still aching forehead. He considered telling Sora about how he had been throwing up, but thought better of it. Somehow describing how he had been sobbing pathetically on his knees in a puddle of his own vomit didn't seem so appealing… "I have a pretty bad hangover… And I feel really bad about yesterday."

"Yeah… Things are kind of glum over here too."

Riku frowned, not understanding. "Glum?"

Sora sighed. "Yeah. Naminé isn't taking it very well… She's over at Kairi's, and Roxas has locked himself in the bathroom all morning."

"Wait, Naminé isn't taking what very well? Did –" Riku gasped as he realized what all this meant. "Did they do something?"

"Jesus, were you too drunk to notice?" Now Sora was sounding annoyed, and Riku swallowed. "They came back with their clothes all wet and sandy… their hair was a mess and their lips all swollen; it was pretty obvious they hadn't just been talking. I can't believe Roxas could be so stupid!"

Riku had to lean against the wall, since his head was suddenly spinning. "What happened? Did Roxas say what happened?"

"They slept together, Riku." Sora's voice was filled with empathy and concern this time, but Riku barely noticed as he slowly slid down the wall, feeling numb. Slept together? Did that mean Axel still loved Roxas? Just like that, Riku was nothing?

"Riku? Are you there?"

Riku was pressing the phone to his ear, unable to hear, unable to speak.

"Riku, are you okay? Should I come over?"

To think he had been on his way over to Axel to apologize. To fucking apologize! He regretted he hadn't punched him in the face yesterday! To hell with abusive fathers or boyfriends; if people had hit him before, it was probably because he was a lying, cheating bastard! And Roxas… Wasn't he supposed to be his friend? Angry tears welled up in his eyes and he clenched his fist.

But no, it wasn't Roxas fault. Axel had probably not even told him about him and Riku. Why would he? In Axel's own words; it wasn't like they were a couple.

"Can't you say something?"

Feeling a rage starting to build within him, Riku ended the call without answering Sora's pleas. He scrambled up off the floor, focusing on getting to the door.

He would go over to Axel.

But there would be no fucking apologies.

X

Axel woke from his night of very little sleep to the angry buzzing of the doorbell, accompanied by impatient banging on the door. Immediately suspecting that it was Riku, he groaned and put the pillow over his head. It seemed like things had not calmed down overnight…

Did he really have to deal with this right now? He was so tired… His head had been spinning with thoughts all night, and it had been almost impossible to relax and get any sleep. Maybe he could just pretend to not be home.

On the other hand, he really wanted to talk to Riku. He regretted that outburst on the way home and wanted to apologize for it. He hadn't really meant any of that… Or maybe he had, but it had nothing to do with Riku; it was just that he had been so on edge from thinking about that body builder, not to mention the worst of all bad times: when he had lost his virginity. Roxas had put so many things in motion inside him yesterday, and he still didn't feel like he was done processing it all.

He had come to some conclusions, though; the most important one being that he needed to tell Riku about him and Roxas. Both what had happened yesterday and what their relationship had been like. He could leave out the details, and just tell him enough to get an idea of how many problems they had had, and how the abrupt break-up left both of them without any feeling of closure. Maybe Riku would understand. And if he didn't…

Axel just didn't know.

"I'm coming!" he yelled hoarsely, and sat up while trying to untangle himself from the sheets. The back of his head still hurt from being slammed into the wall yesterday he noticed, as his movements brought on a dull, throbbing ache. He grumbled a curse and got out of bed, rubbing his wrists. Apart from the ever-present scars, the right one was now also ringed with dark, circular bruises from where Riku's fingers had been digging into his arm.

He hoped he would be in a better mood today; Axel really wasn't too fucking fond of being knocked around like that, no matter how mad or worried or off his ass drunk Riku had been yesterday. Wasn't he supposed to be a nice guy?

He walked over to the door and unlocked it, only to be knocked back as it swung open with an unnecessary amount of force. Still groggy from just waking up, Axel fell backwards on his ass and stared dumbly up at Riku standing in the doorway.

Oh, fuck. He was definitely not in a better mood today, if anything, Axel would say worse…

His normally light eyes looked dark, and he slammed the door shut behind him as he strode inside to loom over Axel on the floor.

"You slept with him. You fucking slept with him!"

Riku hadn't realized until now? Axel swallowed nervously, and couldn't help trying to shamble backwards. If he had been angry yesterday when he didn't know, how angry was he now? Careful not to lose his eye contact with Riku, he nodded slowly.

"Yeah… I did."

Riku clenched his fists and he looked like he was trying very hard to restrain himself, from committing murder or bursting into tears, Axel couldn't tell. Maybe it was both. "You're not even denying it… So that's it, then."

"Wait, what's what?" Axel was panicking. Riku couldn't just be walking away without even letting him explain himself, could he? "Can't we at least talk about this?"

"What is there to talk about?" Riku screamed, spittle flying out of his mouth. "You obviously care about him more than me, and you never intended it to be serious between us! You probably think that just because it's kind of hard to find other gay guys around here, I'll put up with anything; but you can think again! I'm sick of never having what I want; Sora just wants to be friends and you just want to fuck! We're through!"

"Damn it, wait!" Axel scrambled up off the floor as Riku turned on his heel and made for the door. "It's not like that!"

He grabbed Riku's arm, which turned out to be a big mistake. He thought he heard a growled 'get off' or 'shut up' before Riku's fist hit him square in the face and everything just faded.

He couldn't have been out for more than moments, because the first thing he heard when he came to was the door slamming shut as Riku left.

Ouch.

Axel didn't think he had been hit so hard in his life. It really hurt, and it worried him that he couldn't open his left eye. He brought a shaking hand to feel it out and winced as his fingers came away bloody. Just fucking great.

For a long time Axel didn't get up from the floor where he had fallen when he lost his conciousness. His face hurt so much it made him nauseous, and he was trembling from the aftermath of the adrenaline rush the confrontation with Riku had brought on, so he just lay there curled into fetal position and tried to process what just happened. Through the walls he could hear Riku stomping around in his apartment. It sounded like he was rummaging through the cupboards and closets, slamming the doors and drawers. Axel sighed. Was it really so wrong what he and Roxas had done? Even though it felt bad that he had hurt Riku, he just couldn't think so.

Roxas had been afraid of intimacy with men, and that had been fixed. And Axel… Was it really so wrong that he for once got to feel like maybe he wasn't so bad after all? If Roxas could forgive him, understand him; even miss him after everything… Maybe he was still human, not just hopeless trash vainly struggling to be someone?

It had nothing to do with Riku whatsoever, why couldn't he just understand that?

But then again, he had never even kissed a guy before Axel; what did he know about life and love?

It felt like he had been lying on the floor forever, when there was a careful knock on the door. His face felt wet and he had no idea how much blood he had lost. He just couldn't bring himself to care. It was nowhere near fatal, at least he knew that. He wondered if he would have cared if it was.

"It's open," he croaked. He doubted he could be heard, but he didn't have the energy to repeat himself.

The knock sounded again, a little more insistent, and after a while when Axel didn't answer it creaked open.

"Uh, hello?"

Axel tensed. Was that Sora?

"Oh!"

Indeed it was; Axel heard him hurry across the floor after giving out his shocked little cry and then a soft thud as he fell to his knees beside him. And when he cracked his right eye open to peer up at him, he was met by those blue eyes that looked so much like Roxas'.

God, how he wished it would have been Roxas.

"Are you alright?"

He sounded almost worried; funny after the looks he had been giving him last night…

"Hey! Can you hear me?"

He must really be looking bad if Sora didn't even think he was conscious, he mused. Making an effort, he managed to get out a positive answer. He wondered where Riku was. Had he sent Sora over to check on him? How fucking touching.

Sora muttered something under his breath that sounded like 'damn it, Riku', and then he added louder, "Do you think you can get up?"

Axel nodded and used his arms to push himself up in sitting position. Immediately his head started to spin, and he gagged and coughed up a mouthful of foamy slime, his sad excuse for a vomit he suspected. He hadn't really eaten anything yesterday.

There was an impressive pool of blood on the floor, he noticed groggily. It was dripping off his chin, too…. Drip, drip. Axel couldn't help staring in fascination.

"Good, you're doing good," Sora cooed reassuringly, squirming himself in under Axel's shoulder and hitching Axel's arm around his neck. "We're going to get up now; slowly… Are you ready?"

Axel was confused with the way Sora was mothering him, and barely had time to nod before Sora started pushing them both up using his legs and holding Axel tight with both arms. Good thing he was so skinny, because otherwise Sora probably wouldn't have managed. He was really small…

Axel's head swam and his vision got unfocused for a second, but then they were up, Axel letting Sora carry most of his weight. Maybe he was worse off than he thought… A concussion?

Sora started leading him to the bathroom, and Axel followed without protesting. He got a smaller shock when he saw his face in the mirror. His left eyebrow was so swollen it looked like someone had stuck a golf ball under it, and half his face was covered in blood. It was everywhere, clumping in his eyelashes, clogging his pores and had even trickled in between his teeth through the corner of his mouth. He looked like hell, to put it mildly.

He staggered, unable to look away from his ruined face, and would have fallen if Sora hadn't been holding him up.

"Easy," Sora soothed and guided him to stand in front of the washbasin. "I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks once we get the blood cleaned off. If you can just hold on to this for a while, I'm going to go and see if I can find some ice for that eyebrow."

Then he left, and Axel tried to steady himself by clinging to the washbasin, as Sora had suggested. He had this weird feeling, almost like motion sickness, and he had to spit out some more froth. Turning on the water, he saw it disappear down the drain, leaving a pink trail of blood on the white porcelain.

He splashed some of the cold water over his face, and groaned as it stung and numbed him at the same time. It hurt too much to try and rub away the blood, so he just tried collecting as much water as he could in his cupped hands and then submerged his face in it. He didn't know if it helped much.

Then Sora was back, holding a plastic bag filled with ice cubes. "How are you doing?"

Axel tried a nonchalant shrug, but ended up nearly losing his balance. Not too well, apparently.

"Sit down," Sora said, gesturing towards the toilet, and Axel was happy to oblige. He didn't really trust his legs right now.

Sora took one of his towels off its hook and wet it under the tap, and then he got to work drying off Axel's face. It hurt like a bitch whenever he got close to the eyebrow, and Axel could barely keep himself from whimpering like a little kid. It was kind of nice to be taken care of, though. It was just weird that it was Sora that was doing it, when he obviously wasn't too fond of Axel in the first place… Axel wondered why he was doing it at all.

Was it because Riku had asked him?

"Why are you helping me?" he whispered hoarsely. Great, he was too busted up to even speak properly…

Sora eyed him with an expression that was somewhere between anger and sympathy. "Riku told me what happened… He's ridiculously strong, so I thought it would be best to see that you weren't seriously hurt, or anything."

"Thanks." So Riku hadn't been concerned about him after all… It stung that he had just walked out on him lying there.

Sora only gave a curt nod in reply, and Axel realized he was just helping him out of sense of duty. It probably went against his morals to not help out someone that was injured…. Again: how fucking touching.

"There." Sora took a last wipe at his face, unnecessarily brusque, if you asked Axel. "Hold this over the swelling." He handed over the icebag, and Axel pressed it gently against his eyebrow. It seemed to have stopped bleeding; maybe it was to swollen for any more blood to come through. Sora watched him hesitantly.

"I'm no expert, but that looks like it needs stitching. And you could have a concussion too; you should go to the hospital." He hesitated some more. "Maybe I can guilt trip Riku into driving you there…"

Axel shook his head. He had had enough of hospitals… He would probably be fine if he just got some rest. "I think I'll just lie down for a while."

Sora bit his lip, watching him uncertainly. "If you're sure…"

Axel nodded, waving his hand impatiently. If Sora didn't want to be here, he could just get the fuck out.

"Okay, then. I should get back and check on Riku."

"He wouldn't even let me try to explain…" Axel whispered. He didn't know why he said it, maybe he hoped Sora would convince Riku to at least come over and hear him out.

Sora just gave him a stern look. "Well, what did you expect? He's really in love with you for some reason, and then you go and sleep with someone else. If you don't know what you want, I think you should stay away from Riku and Roxas both." He made a motion to leave.

"Wait!" He just had to ask… "How is Roxas?"

Sora gave him another dirty look. "Not so good. You probably wrecked his relationship."

Axel frowned (or at least tried to with his swollen eyebrow) and had to fight the urge to tell Sora that it was in fact Roxas that had started kissing him, and that he hadn't even tried to make him do it. For once he really didn't think he was the bad guy. No one was.

He didn't think he would be able to convince Sora of that, though, so he decided to let the comment pass.

"Can you give me his phone number?"

Sora looked at him like he couldn't believe he had the nerve to ask that.

"No. I'm going to leave now."

He pushed the damp towel into Axel's free hand and walked out of the bathroom, leaving Axel to stare down at the bloodied piece of cloth. It was the same towel that he had tried to sleep on his first night here, he realized.

For some reason seeing it all flaccid and soiled really depressed him. Was this what his new life had become?

Hanging the towel over the side of the laundry basket, he wiped a single, frustrated tear away and tried to stand up. His legs felt shaky and wobbly, but he managed to make it to the bed without falling or stepping in the puddle of blood on the floor. He should probably clean that up before it soaked into the wood and left a permanent stain…

He couldn't quite bring himself to care, though.

The ice bag was starting to give him a brain freeze, so he dropped it on the floor with a sigh and stared up in the ceiling. Just what the hell was he supposed to do now? Riku didn't want to talk to him and he had no way of getting in touch with Roxas. He still remembered his old phone number, but Roxas had changed it some time after they broke up (probably to stop him from contacting him). He couldn't just walk to Sora's house and visit Roxas there, because he had no idea where Sora lived. He didn't even know his full name, so he could look it up that way either.

Maybe he should just wait until he decided to go home from Riku's and stalk him…

Too bad he was in no condition to walk. Maybe he should just go over and try to talk to Riku again when Sora had left… Maybe Sora would have managed to calm him down enough to not shut his other eye too.

He felt a sting of jealousy as he thought about them together. Sora was probably hugging Riku right now, petting his hair and comforting him… Wouldn't Riku like that!

Axel couldn't help chuckling bitterly at himself. How ridiculous wasn't it to get jealous after what he had been doing yesterday? Riku had every reason to be mad at him. Punching him in the face was a little over the top, though… And couldn't he at least let him explain?

Was it really such a big sin to sleep with someone else that it didn't even matter why he had done it? If it had been the reverse situation Axel would have been mad too, but he would at least have wanted to talk about it. If you liked someone, you didn't just let go because of one little mistake…

But then again, when you were perfect like Riku, maybe you expected perfection from others as well. Not for the first time Axel wondered if Riku would be able to accept anything about his past. Maybe this was for the best… Even if he got his new life sorted out, he would never be good enough for Riku, anyway. Sure, they were great together in bed, but Riku wanted more and he wasn't sure if he had anything more. No past and no future…

Maybe that was all there was to him; a nice lay, but too broken to be good for much else.

Suddenly he missed Marluxia so much his chest ached. If there was anyone that was even more messed up than he was, that had understood him completely, he would be the one. Maybe he hadn't exactly encouraged him to leave his old, fucked up life behind, but Axel thought he could suddenly understand his standpoint.

When you were too different to ever fit in, maybe you should just stick together and do it your own way. Maybe there was peace in knowing your place, even if it was at the bottom. Maybe that was what Marly had seen all along, and maybe that was why he had been able to stand all the things Axel couldn't.

When you thought about it, he had been even worse off than Axel. At least he enjoyed fucking men… Marly just didn't care.

Or did he? Suddenly remembering what Roxas had said about wishing he could have seen that Axel had his problems too, he wasn't so sure.

He didn't really remember how he and Marly had got to know each other, but he remembered the day when they became friends for real very clearly, and some of the details a little too clearly… It had really been a day of mixed emotions.

They had been sitting behind a dumpster outside a rundown building where there was a party. The asphalt smelled like piss, and Axel had been sobbing uncontrollably while Marly had been trying to wipe his tears and snot away with his sleeve.

It was the first time Marly, who was fourteen years old at the time, had brought Axel along to a party. Axel was only twelve, but Marly had said that since he was so tall he could easily pass as fourteen too. Axel remembered thinking that was a great compliment.

Marly had sort of been his only friend, and Axel had worshiped him like a hero. He had never got along very well with other kids, but Marly he liked. Everyone at school had nice clothes and went on holidays in the summer, but Marly had holes on the knees of his jeans just like Axel, and he smoked and drank, and had a huge collection of porn, all of which he shared brotherly with Axel.

"I really didn't think anyone would try anything with you," Marly had said, popping open one of the beers Axel had just earned. "The fucking pigs. I thought they only wanted to do it to me because… You know." He had looked into Axel's eyes, but Axel had no idea what he meant.

Marluxia had swallowed, and then shrugged. "They say I'm pretty like a girl."

It was at those words he had seen Marly for what he really was for the first time. A small, girly-looking boy, who just as Axel had no real friends. Axel had thought that the people at the party were his friends; had always admired him for hanging out with all those cool, older people, but suddenly he realized that was just what Marly had wanted him to believe and that the reality was something completely different.

None of those people were his friends. They, or at least some of them, used him, like Axel had just been used, and it was suddenly painfully obvious where Marly got all his cigarettes and alcohol; why he always had money to buy porn and go to the movies and ride the bus.

Axel had looked at his friend, his delicate face and soft, wispy hair that had a reddish brown colour so light that it almost looked pink. "I think you're much prettier than any girl," he had told him, and Marluxia had laughed, surprised.

"What, are you a homo or something?"

When Axel hadn't known what to answer, Marly's smile turned from mocking to friendly. "That's okay, though I'm not." Then he had grinned, patting Axel's back. "We'll have to update our porn stash!"

When Axel had only nodded, still sobbing, Marly had slung his arm around him, just holding him for a while.

"Do you want to kiss, or something?"

Axel had nodded, discovering to his surprise that he really did.

"Okay." Marly had smiled at him again, a little uncertainly, and then leaned in touching his lips to Axel's.

It had been a little awkward. Axel had never kissed anyone before, so it was kind of sloppy at first, and their teeth had clacked together, but soon he seemed to get the hang of it and it had been really sweet. After a while they had broke apart, Marly giggling and Axel feeling a little better.

They had spent the rest of the night behind that dumpster, never going back to the party. They had been drinking their beers, smoked up an entire pack of cigarettes and talked like they never had before.

No matter how much Axel hated remembering that he had been so fucking naïve and just plain stupid that he had sold his virginity to that disgusting bastard Dennis for a six-pack of beer, he had always thought that the time with Marly behind that dumpster was a beautiful memory. Now he wasn't so sure.

That kiss… He had always thought it was just Marly's quirky way of cheering him up, but maybe there had been more to it. Maybe he had been scared that he would lose Axel as a friend when his dirty secret was out, and had tried to keep him the only way he knew how. Using his body…

It made him hate everything about that night even more, and he suddenly wondered what Marly was doing now. Hopefully getting high and having a good time…

Marly had always been smart enough to not fall in love with anyone.

X

Axel didn't know what time it was when he woke up with a small start. He didn't remember falling asleep and he didn't feel much better. His face seemed to hurt worse than before, and he felt weak and dizzy. He didn't want to stay in bed, though, he had to get up and fix things.

He reached for his cell phone, hoping that there would be missed calls from Riku or Roxas, but he was out of luck. Checking the time, he saw that it was already late afternoon, meaning he had been out for quite a while.

He decided it was time for another try to talk to Riku, but first he needed to see how his face was doing. And clean up that blood. He glanced over at the puddle on the floor, and saw that it had begun to dry. Great. It would probably be impossible to get the floor clean by now.

He sat up and made his way to the bathroom, feeling like he would throw up at any second. Nothing came, though, and soon he was standing in front of the mirror again.

It didn't look as bad as before with the blood mostly cleaned away, but he still looked pretty mangled. His left eye was swollen shut, and a colorful bruise was surfacing all around it. The eyebrow was split open and the swelling made it stick out, making him look like some kind of ogre.

There was a lot of blood in his hair, he noticed. It was stiff and stripy, and almost colored black where larger amounts of blood had dried and caked. He needed a shower. And he needed to brush his teeth. No wonder he was feeling sick, when he could taste the blood even in his mouth.

He had to sit down on the toilet when he removed his clothes, or he would have lost his balance and fallen over. Was it normal to feel this groggy after a punch in the face? He didn't think so, it was probably a concussion. Maybe he really should go to the hospital… But no. What were they going to do? Put a plaster on his head? Maybe his eyebrow needed stitches, but what was another scar anyway?

He stepped into the shower and turned on the water. It stung when it came in contact with the wound, and he didn't dare to use any shampoo. The blood seemed to be coming out anyway, colouring the floor of his shower cabin light red. It looked morbid, and brought on less pleasant memories, so Axel finished up as quickly as he could. He was too restless to enjoy the shower anyway… He needed to talk to Riku, and he wondered how Roxas was doing.

'You probably wrecked his relationship', Sora had said… Axel couldn't say he was terribly sorry about that. It might be selfish and horrible, but he didn't want Roxas to ever have a relationship with anyone other than him. It wasn't good if Roxas was unhappy, though… or if he started regretting things.

Axel sighed, trying to dry his hair without letting the towel get in contact with his eyebrow. What a mess.

It was worth it though… Just hearing Roxas moan his name over the sound of the waves was worth anything. Everything. Roxas had said he didn't regret what they had done, and hopefully he meant that no matter what happened.

Maybe if everything went straight to hell with Riku, and Roxas broke up with his girlfriend, he could seek him out and… He sighed. And what? Fuck him again? Get together again only to break up a few months later? Have everything collapse around him once more?

No. Roxas had been right about the happy end… Putting on what clothes he could find, Axel prepared himself to go over to Riku and see if he could talk him into a happy continuation, or if all else failed; another happy end.

When he opened the door, it bumped into something. Turning his head down, Axel saw that it was a box… Just a normal shoebox packed with stuff. CDs, a pair of boxers, magazines, a toothbrush. His stuff.

Not until then did it finally sink in that Riku might have been serious when he said they were through, and that maybe it was too late for Axel to start talking.

He didn't know how long he stood there in the doorway, staring down at the box. The box that Riku had packed for him so that he wouldn't have to meet him face to face.

He hated that fucking box. He wanted to kick it across the corridor, stomp on it, and fuck that those CDs were some of his favourites.

He didn't do any of those things though; he just bent down and picked it up, bringing it with him back inside. There was a folded up piece of paper resting on top of the contents of the box, and sitting down with his back against the door Axel started to unravel it with shaking hands. It was just a simple message, but Axel didn't think Riku could have written something that hurt more even if he had tried.

Here's your stuff. I don't want to see you, so you can just leave my stuff outside my door later.

Snarling, Axel rolled the paper into a ball and flung it against the wall. Fuck that! If Riku wanted his stuff, he could come and get it himself.

With a growing feeling of despair, Axel realized that the chances of that happening were very small. Riku had nothing of importance in his apartment, and if he really didn't want to see Axel, he doubted he would come knocking over a pair of socks…

Fuck. Just… fuck.

X

Author's notes:

Whew! Another long one, folks! It seems like you'd better get used to it, because I just can't seem to write anything 'short' lately. I really thought I was going to be able to pull this chapter off in 9k words, but nuh-uh! It ended up 17k and 29 pages in Word…but after all the people yelling at me about long chapters being good, I suppose no one will mind! :-)

Guess the story has just grown complicated on me…There's so many people and different moods and reactions, I'm starting to think I'm in over my head! It's weird; when I started writing this story, I think I was mostly going for light-hearted and smutty but now everything is all serious. Haha, what the hell happened!

Is it even working? Or is there too much difference between the beginning and the end of the story? I didn't think it was that bad when I reread everything a while ago, but I'm kind of biased…

(Oh… and did I mention I draw? Just got myself an account at y!Gallery and updated my profile page with links, in case someone wants to check it out. There's KH stuff! ;-) )