Chapter 10

The next day Hotch found himself thinking about Kahlan. He knew she was something like an agent. She didn't deny it, but yet he knew she was telling the truth with every answer she had given him. Or at least she had enough control and training to make him think she was telling the truth. He shook his head. Each quest to find an answer only revealed more questions. He was sure of one thing, though, and that was the fact that he wanted to find out as much about the woman as he could. Why? Why do I even care? He shook his head again. He wasn't sure about the why, but he was sure he wanted to know.

His thoughts were interrupted as his phone rang. "Hotchner," he answered.

"Sir, you will not believe what information has appeared on Mrs. Hunter," Garcia told him from her lair.

"The ten years that were missing are no longer missing?"

"Wait. . . How did you know?"

"Let me guess, everything looks normal."

"Ok. Now you're scaring me, but you're right. Not one suspicious thing."

"I figured."

"It's all fake, though, right? I mean how could there be nothing and then the next day, everything?"

"There is probably some truth in it, but I would guess most of it is made up."

"Well, whoever has done it is scary good. There is not one trace of anything being manipulated."

"I bet."

"I'm sorry I couldn't find you any answers, sir."

"Don't worry about it, Garcia," he told her and hung up the phone.

Whoever Kahlan's contact was, must be pretty important and not to mention good. That's how she knew where to find Jack and Henry. If the computer expert could erase ten years and then insert a phony ten years, he or she could probably hack into the FBI database without anyone ever knowing. Hotch thought Garcia was one of the country's best hackers, and he knew she could perform miracles with computers; so he couldn't even fathom someone so good that Garcia couldn't detect him. Powerful allies meant that Kahlan was powerful, too. Or was. He shook his head again. God knows.

Kahlan had told him to make sure he wanted the answers before he asked her again. What did that mean? Had she done something horrible? He knew there was something dangerous about her, but he really didn't have a sense that she was a bad person, an evil person. He'd been face to face with enough unsubs to know evil when he saw it. He ran a hand across the back of his neck.

"Thinking about Kahlan?" Rossi asked with a smile from his doorway.

Hotch hadn't even realized Rossi was standing there. "Why would you think that?" he asked him as Rossi came in and sat down.

"Oh, I don't know. Who else would be frustrating you so much?"

Hotch looked at Rossi. "What are you getting at, Dave?"

"You like her don't you?"

"She's a likeable person, I guess."

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Are you asking if I'm attracted to her?"

"Are you?"

"I am intrigued by her," he admitted.

"And the fact that she gorgeous doesn't hurt either," Rossi told him with a sly smile.

Hotch considered that. She was well built, not like a supermodel or anything, but he could definitely imagine the lithe muscles beneath her clothes. She had beautiful long, black hair, and her penetrating bright blue eyes added to the dangerous mystery about her. She had a beautiful face, but it showed the deep sadness he knew came from missing her son. Her face looked a little aged, and Hotch knew it had to have come from the last three years. Desperation, depression, misery, and worry had probably aged her more in those three years than they should have. She still didn't look forty, though. He shrugged, she was gorgeous, now that he thought about it; but it wasn't her looks that intrigued him so much. It was her intelligence, her personality, the mystery behind her that he was drawn to. It was like she was a puzzle that he wanted to solve. He smiled, and Rossi knew for sure he was right.

"She's attracted to you," Rossi told him with another smile.

"Yeah, right."

"You don't see it?"

"There's nothing to see. Damn, Dave, she wouldn't even attempt to answer my questions yesterday."

"True," Rossi told him with a nod. "But she also didn't like that woman hitting on you."

"What?" Hotch asked with a shocked look. "She only did that to make the woman leave because she called Kahlan a bitch."

Rossi raised his brows. "She could have scared that woman off without claiming you to be 'all' hers."

Hotch knew the truth of that. He had been afraid that Kahlan was going to kill the poor stupid woman. "I think you're just reading too much into it."

"I think you're not reading into it enough."

"You were just enjoying watching me struggle."

Rossi laughed. That was true, but he knew Hotch never thought of himself as attractive and never really got it when women flirted with him. He was too much of a gentleman to let himself think that a woman would want him. "Alright, next time she is around, keep track of how many times you find her looking at you." Hotch gave him a questioning look. "I haven't seen her stealing glances at anyone else on the team."

"Whatever," Hotch told him as he got up from his desk. "Do we have any new information on the possibles?" he asked him as he left his office with Rossi following him.

"Yes, I think Garcia has narrowed down the twenty six possibles to three."

Hotch raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Only three? That's great." They walked into the conference room to join the rest of the team.

XXX

By the time they sorted everything out, they all decided on going to Wyoming the next morning so they could oversee the raids on the three possible unsubs. Knowing it would probably take a few days to execute the raids and then a few more to actually process the unsub, they decided to take off early and go home to be fresh in the morning. Besides, Hotch and JJ wanted to spend one more night at home with their sons before leaving again.

Hotch told Rossi that he would contact Kahlan and let her know what time they would be leaving. He tried her cell, but didn't get an answer. He then tried calling the hotel and her room directly, but he didn't get an answer there either. A feeling deep in his stomach made him start to worry.

"There may be a problem," Reid told him as he noticed Hotch didn't get an answer.

"What?" Hotch asked him.

"I just realized what today is."

"It's Saturday. What of it?" Morgan asked him.

"Today is Wyatt's birthday," Reid told them.

Hotch's head quickly snapped to the Missing Flyer they had of Wyatt on the board. He didn't doubt Reid, but seeing the boy's birthdate made his stomach flip.

"Oh my God. His birthday has to be one of the hardest days to deal with," JJ mused. She didn't want to consider how she would feel on Henry's birthday if he was missing at the time, let alone three years' worth of birthdays.

"I should go check on her," Hotch suggested.

"I would," Blake told him.

"One of us definitely should, and you seem to have the best rapport with her," JJ told him.

"It couldn't hurt," Morgan agreed.

"Alright, I will meet you all on the jet at eight," Hotch told them and left. He noticed Rossi's grin as he walked out, but he chose to ignore it.

XXX

Hotch went to Kahlan's room first. He knocked, but didn't get an answer. He tried her cell again and heard it ringing in the room. A little worried, he went to the desk clerk to get the room opened. The desk clerk was about to protest, but Hotch flashed him his badge and he just gave Hotch a room key. Hotch asked him if he had seen Kahlan. The young man hadn't, but he had just got on duty. Hotch went back to the room, opened the door, and called out for her. With no response, he quickly looked the rooms over but didn't find her. He looked at the bed she had been using. A handful of pictures were spread out on the blanket; all of them were of Wyatt. Hotch picked up one and studied it. Kahlan was kneeled down next her son and had her arms wrapped around his neck. They both looked extremely happy. He guessed Wyatt was around five years old, and he noticed that Wyatt had his mother's eyes. He put the picture down and noticed Kahlan's cell on the nightstand along with several wadded up tissues. She's been crying.

Hotch decided to go check the bar across the street. He quickly walked to it and hard time getting though the early Saturday night crowd, but he found her sitting in the same table in the back that he had found her in before. She was staring at the beer in her hand and didn't realize Hotch was walking up to her. He quickly counted four empty bottles on the table. He could see the sadness on her face, but she wasn't crying. Thank God!

He stopped next to the table. "Mind if I join you?"

She looked up, surprised that someone was so close to her. She smiled sadly as she realized who it was. "Sure." He sat down at the only other stool; apparently the other two had been taken by someone in the crowd. "What brings you here?" she asked him after taking another drink of her beer.

"We're heading to Wyoming in the morning. I tried calling you, but I didn't get an answer."

She searched her pockets. "Shit. I must have left my cell in the room. I'm sorry you had to drive all the way out here," she told him honestly.

"I don't mind. We took off early so we could be rested up for the trip," he told her with a smile.

"So you have someone specifically in your sights, or is this just another fishing trip?"

"We have three people we want to look at personally."

"Wow, you've narrowed it down that much? I knew you guys were good," she told him seriously.

Hotch raised his eyebrows at that. "I can't believe with all the contacts you probably have, that you couldn't find Wyatt on your own."

"Back to that are we?"

"What? I didn't ask for any information. I just made an educated observance."

She smiled at him as a waitress came up and asked him if he would like a drink. He ordered his usual scotch and Kahlan ordered another beer. Hotch eyed the empty bottles as the waitress cleared them off the table and looked back at Kahlan. "What? It's not like I'm driving," she told him defensively.

"How many have you had?"

"Six? Seven? I don't really know. I can get drunk once a year if I want to. Who are you to judge me?" she asked him, and Hotch could hear the anger in her voice.

"I'm not judging you," he told as he raised his hands in submission. "If I was in your shoes, I'd probably be drunk every night," he told her honestly.

She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap. I'm just not in the best mood today."

"I realize Wyatt's birthday has got to be hard," he told sympathetically.

She looked at him. Of course he would know, she thought as she nodded. "After the first couple of days, when it finally sunk in that I wasn't going to find Wyatt right away, I cried myself to sleep every night. After about a month, I drank myself to sleep every night. After a month of that, though, I knew I would never get anything accomplished living that way, and I vowed to not get drunk again. That's when I tried everything I could to find him. I used every contact, every trick I knew, but I just couldn't find a lead. That's when I started finding the other boys. I spent more time away from home than I did at home." She finished her beer and the waitress brought their new drinks. Hotch took a sip of his, letting her continue. "When his birthday came around, though, I found myself drinking again. I figured I deserved one breakdown a year."

Hotch gave her a sad smile. "I think once a year is admirable."

"It was hard talking to those families. None of those other boys came from a single parent or was the only child." She shook her head and took another drink. A tear fell down her cheek. "They all had someone else to help them get through it, but I didn't have anyone."

Hotch tried to swallow the lump forming in his throat. "Surely family and friends supported you?"

"Yes, of course, in the beginning. After so long, though, it was like they just accepted the fact that he was gone, and they moved on. They just assumed that I would, too, but I still haven't been able to do that."

"Well, your stubbornness is what has led us to getting close to some answers," Hotch told her with a smile.

"Stubbornness? More like desperation," she told him with a little laugh.

"Well, now that I've had time to really look at things, I can't say that I blame you."

She laughed again. "Well, that's good, because I truly thought you were going to kill me that first night."

Hotch felt his face flush with embarrassment. "I wasn't really thinking straight at that point."

"Oh, believe me, I completely understood. I know if I could have gotten my hands around the throat of the son of a bitch who had Wyatt that first night. . . Well, let me just say I understand."

Hotch laughed at that. He could imagine what she would do, and he made mental note to make sure she didn't get within reach of anyone they found responsible. He took a drink of his scotch as he considered the woman in front of him. God, she is gorgeous! He shook his head. Jesus, she's the mother of a victim in this case, Hotchner! Get yourself under control!

"You know, after about a year and a half, I started to give up."

"What do you mean? You gave up hope of finding him?"

"Yeah, that was my depressed stage, I guess. I even picked him out a headstone."

Hotch's heart hurt. He knew about picking out headstones. He had to do it for Haley, but he couldn't imagine trying to do it for Jack. "How did you pull yourself out of that phase?" he asked her softly.

"I really don't know, but I guess my anger took over. The angry phase lasted even longer than the depression, but I eventually got out of that, too. I finally started looking for a solution, and that's what led me to you and your team. I guess not actually having a body to grieve over screwed up the normal progression of the stages of grief."

Hotch nodded. He knew the five stages of grief well, not only had he experienced them with Haley, he had dealt with them in countless victims and their families. He guessed Kahlan had never experienced the first stage of denial. You can't deny someone is missing when they aren't there. Usually, though, anger comes next, but he figured that whatever training she had kept her going in the beginning. Bargaining came next in the usual progression, but she didn't hit that stage until she bargained for Jack and them to be given back in return for their help. The fourth stage, depression, had hit her before the anger. It was probably a good thing, too, because depression can get harder and harder to get out of the longer someone is in it. The final stage of acceptance he wasn't sure about. Had she reached that when she realized she couldn't find him on her own, and accepted the fact that she needed help? Or had she finally accepted that fact that they might not find him alive, and came to terms of just wanting answers? He wasn't sure, but could understand why the normal five stages were fucked up in her situation. "I guess we all deal with things the best way we can."

She finished her beer and got the waitress' attention to order another round. "You know, I do know it is very unlikely that we will find Wyatt alive, but I just need to know. The not knowing is what hurts the most. I don't know if he actually turned nine today or not." She looked up at the ceiling as she tried to stop new tears from falling. "I do know, though, that I won't be able to handle another one of his birthdays without knowing," and the tears stared to stream down her face. "I lose more and more strength every day."

Hotch felt his eyes stinging as they threatened their own tears. He grabbed a handful of napkins from the next table and handed them to her. He slid his stool next to hers and put his arm around her shoulders. She leaned into his chest and cried. He rubbed his hands up and down her back trying to sooth her, but he didn't try to make her stop. She had every right to cry, and he decided to hold her as long as she let him. Tears escaped his own eyes as he felt her back heaving with the sobs. He couldn't imagine the pain she was feeling. He felt all of the emotions she had felt in just the few days that Jack was 'missing,' he didn't think he would ever be strong enough to last three years. He felt his shirt getting wet as she cried, but he didn't care.

The waitress came up with a smile, but it faded as she noticed them and sat the drinks down quietly. She gave Hotch a sympathetic smile and quickly walked away. He didn't care if the people around them noticed or not. If anyone was dumb enough to say anything, he would deal with him or her quickly. After several minutes he felt her breathing become steadier as she calmed down. Hotch grabbed one of the napkins and wiped the tears from his face.

She finally pulled away from him and wiped her own face. "God, you must think I some weak pathetic woman."

He grabbed her shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "Never! You're not pathetic for missing your son; it just proves how much you love him."

She pushed her thumb knuckles into her eyes and gave him a small smile. "You know, that just proves how great of a man you really are." He looked at her questioningly. "That you would let me cry on your shoulder after what I did to you, you're an amazing man, Aaron Hotchner."

He smiled. He like the way she said his name. "Yeah, well, I did find out that all you had done was put my family up in a suite in a luxury hotel. Hell, Jack thought of it as a little vacation. If he had been able to go outside or use that pool, I would never have been able to get him to leave," he told her with a laugh.

She laughed at that, too. She studied the man who had shed a few tears for her and her son, and was even more impressed with him. He smiled at her again. His dimples made her heart skip a beat. She had to stop herself from wondering if he had any dimples anywhere else. She had to change the subject, so she asked him about the first thing that popped into her mind. "Why does your team call you 'Hotch'?"

He got a puzzled look as he tried to figure out what she was actually thinking. "I guess because it's just easier to say than 'Hotchner'. We normally call each other by our last names. Well, accept for JJ, but that's definitely easier than saying Jareau," he explained with a little chuckle.

"I can tell you all are very close."

"Like family," he told her truthfully.

"That must be nice. The only family I have in South Dakota is through my husband. Don't get me wrong, most of them are nice, but they're not my family."

"Your family lives here in Virginia. Have you seen them since you've been here?"

"No, I don't want them to know how involved I am. Besides, once I saw them, I probably wouldn't want to leave again." Hotch nodded as he finished his drink. She smiled. "I was actually planning on moving back here before Wyatt came up missing. They tried to get me to come back after a few months, but I couldn't leave. I couldn't handle the idea of Wyatt finally finding his way home and not finding me there."

"Of course you couldn't leave," he agreed. "You think you'll move back once you know, though?" That would be nice.

"Probably," she mused as she finished her drink.

The waitress approached them, glad to see them over their breakdown. "Would you like another round?"

Kahlan looked at Hotch.

"I'll have another, if you are."

"Sure," she told the waitress with a smile.