Chapter 10

Quinn was so happy that Rachel was not angry or disappointed with her. She felt exhilarated that Rachel was still looking forward to their Friday dinner date. She made sure Rachel received detailed descriptions on how to get to her apartment. Quinn had also debated with herself to offer her friend to pick her up, but felt that it might seem too imposing.

She did not know if Rachel would take the subway or a cab or if she could even walk to her address. The blonde had no idea where Rachel lived now. Nevertheless she sent her a thorough explanation on how to find her address and which exit to take from the subway station.

The four days until Friday passed agonizingly slow for Quinn. She had to work hard each night to concentrate on her performance. Every time she stood on the stage, she was reminded of the little incident with that one person leaving the show early which had somehow triggered the whole events with Rachel.

When she had some free time, she went to the ASL lessons she had scheduled with Carmen. The teacher was impressed with how much effort Quinn put into her work and how fast she learned and told her so. Quinn did not stop after the lessons with Carmen. She would sit down and practice every free minute she had at home. She looked up words and signs on the internet if her textbook did not cover them. She wanted to learn this new language as quickly as possible.

Carmen had already explained a lot to her in regards to its historic background, its development and its current usage in the US and Canada. Quinn was actually impressed as to how complex the whole language was and it intimidated her a bit as well. There seemed to be so many things to learn that it felt like hiking up the Mount Everest and she was just at base camp. Carmen had laughed at this analogy.

"Well, at least you are on your way. And you have managed all the way to the Himalaya. Now you just have to start climbing."

"Yeah, well, somehow that seems to be the hardest part." Quinn had stated.

But Carmen had managed to ease her worries. "Quinn, everything will come with practice. You will see, once you converse with Rachel, you will pick up signs, body language. facial expressions and all the other important markers very quickly."

The young woman had asked Carmen to not tell Rachel about their arrangement, because Quinn wanted to surprise her. As both their lessons were in the morning, Quinn was always hurrying out quickly after they finished. But since her lesson and Rachel's had a break in between which was a little over an hour, Quinn was quite confident that she would not to run into her friend and thus having to explain what she was doing there. Besides, she would not have to keep it a secret beyond Friday. Then she would be able to put some of her newly acquainted skills to use, however rudimentary they still were.

Quinn planned for a three-course dinner, starting with a pumpkin soup, followed by pasta with fried vegetables and a light dessert of fruits and vegan ice cream. On Thursday, she happily made her way to the grocery store to buy the provisions for their dinner. She really hoped Rachel would like the recipes and that she would display a bit more appetite than last time.

Just as she entered the store, her mobile vibrated.

Hello Quinn!
I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I have to confess I'm also a little nervous.
Don't know why. Maybe because I decided to take the subway to your place.
That will be the first time I'm going to do this since… Anyway.
Thanks for the detailed description; see you tomorrow!
Rachel

Quickly Quinn drafted an answer.

Hi Rachel!
I am also looking forward to tomorrow. In fact I'm just grocery shopping.
No, not telling what I'll be cooking, don't think about asking. :-).
Tell me tomorrow when you get on the subway, then I can be on the lookout
for you, just in case my description wasn't as accurate as expected.
If you change your mind about using the subway, let me know, please.
I can pick you up at home.
Q.

It only took one minute for the answer to appear on her screen. Quinn held her breath again, not sure how Rachel would react at her offer.

Afraid I might get lost in the big city, Quinn?
I've lived here for a while now, you know :-)

Quinn smiled at that.

However, when she texted back she tried to hide her concern behind a light hearted comment. She could understand that it must be a challenge for Rachel to use the train and mingle with the other passengers.

I know, just… just want you to get here in one piece.
The subway can be a treacherous thing.
Q.

Yeah, well, only if you want to jump in front of it, and not on it.
And I'm planning to use it the regular way, so no worries,
Quinn. And yes, I promise to inform you when I'll leave.
Rachel

... ... ...

Rachel stood on the platform and waited for the subway to arrive. Her heart was hammering in her chest. She had not been out and about much since her accident. She was mostly just doing the necessary grocery shopping and going to the Community Center. She had tried to avoid other people at any cost. Now she stood among the crowds waiting for the train. Friday evening everyone seemed to have places to go, meet friends, and have fun. She felt uncomfortable being surrounded by so many people, unable to orient herself without having the benefit of hearing what went on around her. She kept looking around to assess the situation.

The she noticed a small draft waving across her skin. The train was coming. As it drew nearer, the wind picked up a bit and shortly before the train broke through the tunnel she could feel its vibrations rumble though her shoes and in her chest.

She let out a surprised gasp. Before she could revel much longer in this discovery, she was forced to move with the throng of people through the open doors of the train. She managed to secure a seat in one corner. That gave her some room to breathe and a solid wall behind her back. Quickly she scanned the space in front of her, and then she lowered her head. You never knew if there was someone who might recognize her still. Though in this fast flowing city, she should have been replaced by now, also in the heads of her audience and another high strung star was certainly on the rise.

Deciding not to wallow in that pain again, she dug out her cell phone and sent the promised text to Quinn.

Hi Quinn, just got on the train. See you soon. R.

When Rachel exited the subway station just as described, she found a smiling Quinn waiting for her at the top of the stairs. Rachel almost passed by her, as she had her head bent reading the description that the former Cheerio captain had sent her. Only when she looked up to orient herself she noticed the blonde patiently waiting. Quinn hugged her gently and then held up a paper.

I thought you might feel more comfortable if I showed you the way to my apartment as it is not so easy to find, since the entrance is in a side street.

Rachel was glad that Quinn had been so considerate. She was afraid she might get lost despite the confidence she had displayed in her text to Quinn the day before and would have to ask someone to point her in the right direction of the apartment. Something she wanted to avoid at any cost.

Before Rachel could stop herself, she uttered a very relieved: "Thank you!"

She wanted to bite her tongue right after. What was it about her body that seemed to detach from her mind and will, and started moving and acting on its own every time she was around Quinn?

Quinn on her end was surprised to actually hear Rachel speak. She had missed her voice so much. And just these two small words enveloped her like a warm breath. She took the brunette's hand, squeezed it lightly as a way of showing Rachel how grateful she was for that concession and tugged her along.

After a block Rachel chuckled a bit. It felt strange in her throat. She noticed that she had not done this in a long time.

She lifted her left hand that was still connected in a light grasp with Quinn's.

"You know, Quinn, I'm actually fine to walk by myself. I can still see perfectly fine, just so you know." She then stated with a little smile, hiding the insecurity she felt at wondering how she had sounded.

Quinn laughed at that little joke. Then it registered. Quinn's heart seemed to skip a beat. She stopped dead in her tracks and whipped her head around in surprise. With eyes that had turned to dark hazel by all the emotions that swept through her, she gazed at Rachel in awe, who in turn completely misread Quinn's expression.

"That sounded awful, didn't it?" she whispered, lowering her gaze.

Quinn placed a finger under Rachel's chin and lifted her head gently. When she had Rachel's attention, she mouthed No! And vehemently shook her head. Then she took all her courage and signed her answer.

No, your voice sounds beautiful! Honestly, Rachel!

Now it was Rachel's turn to look surprised.

You can sign? When did you learn? She signed back.

Rachel noted the insecure look on Quinn's face and repeated the signs a bit slower. Then Quinn understood. She pointed in the direction of her apartment and Rachel nodded in understanding. They would continue this conversation in private and not in the middle of the street.

Tentatively Quinn snuck a hand in Rachel's direction and touched her lightly with her fingers. Rachel's hand did not move away and the blonde boldly linked her fingers with the smaller woman's again.

Rachel found the courage to speak up again because she had no other means to express herself with one hand tied to Quinn's at that moment.

"Still afraid I might get lost?"

Quinn laughed and nodded. "Yes!" She said and was delighted to hear Rachel chuckle next to her, leaving her hand where it was.

At the apartment, Quinn grabbed the pad that lay on a small table next to the entrance and quickly scribbled something on it before they had even taken off their coats. Rachel's gaze roamed around Quinn's apartment until she felt a nudge against her arm.

The brunette's eyes skimmed the page.

I don't want you to ever get lost again, Rachel!

Rachel quickly penned down her answer.

I was never lost. You in turn…

I know. Quinn then signed and looked ashamed.

Rachel decided to drop the topic for now and repeated her question from earlier, also signing.

When did you learn to sign?

I took lessons with Carmen.

Rachel found it very cute how Quinn looked at her own hands while signing as if to make sure the signs turned out correctly. Her signing was still slow and a bit clumsy, but Rachel found it so impressive that Quinn actually took the pains to learn ASL just in order to communicate with her, trying to make her comfortable and accommodating to her needs again.

Quinn Fabray, you never cease to surprise me, she signed with a raised eyebrow.

Actually, Rachel could make Quinn's life a bit easier if she used her voice more. But Quinn never seemed to expect that from her and Rachel was grateful for that. So it was entirely up to her to choose when to actually speak up or not, though she had secretly liked the way Quinn's face had lit up when she actually did voice the words out loud.

Quickly the blonde hung up their coats. Then, Quinn led Rachel further into the room with an open and spacious loft character, joined with a comfortable, open kitchen opposite the entrance. This way she could talk to her guests while cooking and it also made the living room appear larger. She had started to like preparing meals and often invited friends over to cook together.

Quinn offered Rachel something to drink and quickly dashed into the bathroom.

When she came back out, sitting on a bar stool in front of the counter, Rachel found her gaze and smiled at her.

Nice apartment. I like the open kitchen.

Rachel deliberately slowed her signing and waited until Quinn nodded her comprehension.

Thank you! You look nice in those … Quinn stumbled over the sign for 'pants'. She tentatively stepped closer and tugged at one of Rachel's pant legs. The brunette showed her the appropriate sign that Quinn filed away in her memory, and then added a thank you for the compliment on her outfit.

Quinn had to force herself away from Rachel. The petite woman looked absolutely lovely in the black pants with the grey blouse that had a nice and softly dropping neckline. The grey color set off her brown eyes that in the light shining over from the kitchen took on a warm mahogany hue.

She had hardly ever seen Rachel without a skirt. With the pants, she looked just as stunning. Quinn had to catch herself from staring.

I am going to finish dinner, she managed to sign and turned away from those beautiful brown eyes she could feel on her back, following her.

Quinn had already set the table and prepared most of the food. She just needed to reheat the soup and check on the pasta, which she would boil while they ate the first course. The vegetables she had already pre-fried and only needed another toss in the pan.

Rachel nodded once and was content to just look around the apartment and watch Quinn move around the kitchen. She had brought a bottle of wine to go with dinner which Quinn had placed in the fridge to cool. She turned around. The picture that hung above the couch opposite the kitchen counter, on the right side next to the entrance, caught her attention.

Rachel hopped off the bar stool and sauntered over to get a closer look. It was a large, beautiful painting of a female angel in a white armor, but the angel did not look like she was going to war. She had a very peaceful expression and held her helmet in her arm. Auburn, wavy hear spilled over one shoulder and dark green eyes held the viewer's gaze. Rachel was mesmerized by the peace the picture radiated, despite the protection the angel was wearing.

The colors, the painting style, the face of the angel, everything was a perfect assembly to capture the attention of the viewer. In fact it was fascinating. She could make out a writing that said 'Guardian Angel' in the lower left corner. The writing was so entwined in the background of the picture that it was hard to make out at first.

She felt a presence next to her and noticed Quinn standing beside her, her eyes trained on Rachel's face. Then the blonde also looked back at the painting.

"Oh Quinn, this painting is beautiful. Where did you get it?"

When Quinn did not answer, Rachel turned and looked at her friend. When she noted that she had Quinn's attention, she repeated her question. Quinn just stared at her with her eyebrows knitted together and a slightly confused look on her face.

What? Quinn, what's wrong? Did you not understand what I asked? Was I not speaking clearly enough? Rachel resigned back to signing, insecurity lacing through her hand movements.

Even though Quinn was not familiar with all the signs, she understood in a wider sense what Rachel was asking. She reached out, stilled Rachel's hands with her own, and shook her head gently.

Rachel, I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with your speech. I am … she struggled with the next words and went to get the pad again. Then she wrote on the paper:

I just didn't hear what you were saying. I'm wearing special earplugs.

Rachel looked at her in confusion.

You what? She wrote back.

When Quinn had gone to the bathroom earlier, she had stood for a moment in front of the mirror looking herself in the eye. She had quickly debated to not do what she had planned, because it would be so much more comfortable for her. But that would have been selfish. So she had opened the drawer in the little commode behind her and pulled out the special ear plugs Carmen had recommended to her.

Quinn had discussed with the dark haired woman that she really wanted to understand what it meant to not be able to hear. Carmen explained to her that by using these earplugs, she would still be able to hear herself, obviously, but almost no outside noises. This could help her to at least begin to understand what it meant being deaf to a certain degree. Quinn had to visit a hearing aid acoustician, someone who specialized in hearing aids and hearing protection. He fitted the earplugs for her so they would sit tight but would not get uncomfortable after wearing them for a while. He also made sure they were sound proof.

She wanted to experience what Rachel was experiencing. She wanted to comprehend what she was going through. So she explained to Rachel about the earplugs, half in writing, and half by signing.

The smaller woman stared at her for a moment with an unreadable expression on her face. Quinn's eyes had told her that she truly meant what she had said. Still it was hard for her to see why anyone in their right mind would take on such a burden voluntarily. Besides, it was still a difference between having the possibility of taking the devices out again and not being able to hear for the rest of your life.

Rachel took the notepad and started writing.

Quinn, you don't have to do this! I appreciate the gesture. But please don't do this to yourself! Be grateful that you can still hear. Don't ever cheat yourself off this experience! Not even for a moment. Not even for me.

She pointedly laid the pad down on the coffee table in front of her and looked back at Quinn.

Quinn just shook her head. Rachel already knew that the blonde would display her stubborn streak again. Fine. It was Quinn's choice after all. Though the brunette had to admit that she was thoroughly surprised that Quinn would go that far in order to learn more about her situation.

Still, she should not do this. It was ok for Rachel that she actually went through the whole motion, but she did not want Quinn to miss one minute of her life not being able to hear. But she conceded to her friend's wish. Then Rachel noticed a strange smell and looked over to the stove. She grabbed Quinn's arm and turned her in the direction of the kitchen. In the whole process they had forgotten that the soup was still on the stove to be heated. Now it had boiled over a bit and the smell came from the drops that burned on the hot Ceram cooking field.

Both women ran over and each holding one handle, pulled the pot off the stove.

Rachel saw that as a chance to make her point again in written form.

See, you probably would've heard this boiling before it spilled over the rim.

But Quinn shook her head. I don't think so, I was so engrossed by our conversation that I probably would not have noticed anything else.

Quinn smiled boldly after Rachel had read her answer.

The brunette just rolled her eyes. Then she motioned to the soup with her head as in "let's eat".

Quinn gladly ladled the soup into two bowls after she had tried it and made sure it did not taste burned. They sat at the table to the right of the kitchen and started eating.

Rachel brown eyes watched Quinn expectantly as the blonde put her spoon down and lifted her hands to sign.

Sorry about the soup. This was not how I had planned to start our dinner.

It took Rachel a moment to understand what Quinn had signed. She was still far from being fluent, but she tried hard and even though it took her a while to finish a sentence, Rachel would prefer watching Quinn's slender hands sign a thousand times more than referring back to writing. The way her face got serious with concentration while signing was just adorable.

When Rachel had pieced together what Quinn meant, she smiled.

It is ok. The soup is very good! I want the recipe!

For a while, they enjoyed the food in literal silence. It was difficult to sign and eat at the same time. When they had finished the first course, Rachel helped Quinn preparing the next.

As Quinn had decided to keep on wearing the earplugs, Rachel had to touch her every time she wanted to get her attention and vice versa. Quinn noticed that without the means of normal communication, meaning hearing and speaking, looks and touch became so much more important. They could sometimes replace words and sentences. Especially with Rachel it was eerie how much they could read each other's thoughts and feelings through little gestures and looks.

Each time Quinn felt Rachel's soft and gentle hand on the naked skin of her arm, it sent a little electric shower down her spine. She just hoped Rachel would not notice what she caused with her touch.

However, the longer Quinn dispensed of her hearing, the harder it became. She did not expect that after a short while she would get a feeling of being locked inside her body. That feeling was enhanced since she could still hear herself breathe. It was starting to disconcert her. For Rachel's sake, she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and spooned the vegetables into a porcelain bowl which she handed to Rachel so she could place it on the table.

While preparing the pasta, they had lightly bantered around a bit by signing and writing and some comments from Quinn had actually made Rachel laugh. It was so fulfilling to see some liveliness find its way back into the petite woman's features. Nevertheless, it was hard for Quinn to not be able to hear that laughter. She had always liked Rachel's laughter. It was never artificial, but genuine, deep and contagious.

Quinn started to get frustrated. The little things she could not hear drove her crazy. How on earth did Rachel do this? How could she live through this silent hell every single day? Now going through at least some of same the experience gave Quinn another appreciation of Rachel's stamina.

She felt Rachel's imploring eyes from across the table where they had sat down again and smiled for her benefit.

Do you like the pasta? Quinn asked signing.

Yes, it is really good. The vegetables also, the petite woman answered politely, knowing that her friend was trying to hide something, posing the question as a distraction.

Rachel did not avert her eyes and searched Quinn's face. The blond woman had the feeling that the two brown eyes reached down to her soul. This was something Rachel had always been capable of. She could look at Quinn and then find words that would reach her deep down inside, telling her head on what she herself was not able to feel, but Rachel always knew.

Only now, she did not want Rachel to know how she felt. This was not about the whole situation, but rather about how she experienced not being able to hear and how anxious it made her feel.

Quinn stared at her plate and tapped the fork against the rim. She could not hear anything. She watched her fork make the movements and expected the "ping" to reach her ear as the silverware made contact with the porcelain.

There was nothing. She only heard her own breathing. She tapped again, harder this time.

Nothing.

Quinn did not know why, but she felt the anxiety increase inside her. She tried to calm herself thinking 'come on, you are just wearing earplugs, everything is fine', but her breathing became more and more labored. Why the hell was she starting to freak out? One grip and she could rip those offending things out of her ears and everything would be ok. So what was going on? The more she tried to calm herself, the more agitated she became.

Realization dawned on her.

This tapping on the plate with her fork was just a little gesture of daily life. If that had already made her freak out just by wearing soundproof earplugs, how could Rachel go on through life without ever being able to hear music, songs, voices and much less sing herself, all these things that had defined her life?

Quinn rammed her fork so hard against the plate that a chip broke off. She jumped as she felt Rachel's hand cover hers. Rachel was shocked at the look of utter dismay that covered Quinn's features. She got up and quickly knelt beside Quinn's chair, rapidly scribbling something on the pad.

What is wrong? Talk to me, please, Quinn! She looked up at her friend with big, imploring eyes.

Quinn's eyes glazed over and tears spilled down her cheeks as she gazed at the smaller women kneeling in front of her. She wanted so much to wrap her arms around Rachel and hold her for the rest of her life, never letting go again. She felt a sob rising in the back of her throat and could not contain it. Quinn hid her face behind her hands and started to cry. She cried for Rachel, for her loss, for her broken dreams. She also cried for herself, for the many times she had ignored her best friend, for the pain in her own heart, for the many lost opportunities to be with Rachel and to hear this beautiful voice enfold which now seemed to be forever mute.

Her body shook under her cries. Then Quinn felt a hesitating hand beneath her elbow and she let herself be raised from the chair into an embrace. Rachel held her through her crying, soothingly stroking her hand over the taller woman's back. And Quinn held on to the smaller form in front of her as if she were hanging on to dear life itself. Why did she freak out after just a couple of hours of not hearing – and still having at least the advantage of hearing herself speak or breathe?

How reversed the situation was now. When she had held Rachel the other day, they both had not imagined that now it would be Quinn feeling so desperate.

After a while, when she managed to calm down a bit and her sobs became less, she noticed the small vibration in Rachel's body. She pressed her hands against the brunette's back. Quinn felt that Rachel was talking or at least was making some noise. Of course, she could not actually hear what Rachel was saying and was tempted to take out the earplugs to hear that wonderful voice again. But she stopped herself, she just could not do that. She owed it to Rachel.

The fact that she was able to feel sound surprised her no end. She had never paid much attention to such details, even though she had of course felt this before. Only now, it became so much more important, it gained so much more weight with the fact that she was temporarily robbed of one of her senses.

Quinn slowly disentangled herself from Rachel's embrace. The smaller woman's eyes were full of worry and concern. And doubt. Rachel reached around her, grabbed the pad, and pointed with her index finger at the question she had written earlier. She accompanied her gesture with a small shrug of her shoulders and a frown on her beautiful face.

What is wrong?

Quinn looked into those beautiful brown eyes gazing at her with so much concern that she could not fight the impulse any longer. She bent forward, tenderly cupped the lovely face in front of her with both hands, and softly grazed her lips over Rachel's.

Surprised by her own action Quinn quickly withdrew and leaned back moving her hands frantically in the air.

Rachel, I am so sorry! I did not…

Her hands were stilled by Rachel's warm fingers. Rachel pushed Quinn slightly back and when she felt the edge of the chair against the back of her legs, she dropped on the seat. Rachel stood in front of her, towering a little over the now seated blonde and dropped a kiss on the top of her head. Then she hugged her friend fiercely. Quinn snuck her arms around the brunette's waist and embraced her back.

They held each other for an endless moment feeling the warmth of the other body in their arms, breathing in the other woman's scent, both feeling the rift that had run between them closing a bit.