Pink Squirrel Orgies

Disclaimer: I don't own Resident Evil.

More credit to Sweetboxer for this chapter. Thank you!

Chapter Ten - Guest Star Fun

At the edge of the city...

"First day on the joooob!" Leon said in a drunken, sing-song voice. "Gonna impress my boooss!" He took a swig of beer and the Jeep swerved into the other lane for a few seconds before he guided it back into the right lane. Luckily, he was the only one on the road.

The trees on the sides of the road were replaced by buildings as he reached Raccoon City. He was unaware of his foot depressing the gas pedal - hell, he was unaware of almost everything - and he was going sixty...seventy...eighty...and still accelerating. Even if he had seen the figure staggering across the road, he would have no chance of stopping or turning in time. Thus, he hit the old zombie lady, killing it instantly, and the Jeep went flying through the air.

"WHEEEEEEE!" the rookie cop squealed, giggling. The Jeep wrapped itself around a lamppost, about ten feet above the ground. He finally realized something was amiss, and as the front of the vehicle burst into flames, he unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door. Then he fell out and onto the pavement, crawling to relative safety, before his Jeep exploded.

"Aw, poo. I loved my Jeep...," he said. He looked like he was about to cry, but then he saw a crow in the middle of the road and stumbled towards it, arms outstretched.

"Oooh, birdie..."

.O.

Back in front of the RPD...

"Fred, I don't have time for this. We have to get into that underground passage if we want to get out of here!"

A tall, thin man opened the front door and stepped outside. He was in a police uniform. A black man with a beard, also in uniform, was following behind him. A look of surprise crossed the second man's face.

"Kevin?"

A crowd of zombies was closing in on our six survivors. Kevin was shooting a zombie in the head and kicking another while Cindy concentrated and made a third zombie's head explode. Everyone else cowered behind them. When Cindy was busy with one zombie, a pair of them grabbed each of Kevin's arms. He screamed like schoolgirl.

"David! Saaaave meeee!"

The plumber thought about if for a second. If he saved him again, that would probably just reinforce the guy's idea that David actually returned his affections. But he couldn't just let him die...

"Day-vid!"

With a sigh, David punched one of the zombies in the side of the head, freeing Kevin's arm so that he could shoot the other zombie. Before the first zombie could get up, David stomped on its head. Kevin reached out his arms for yet another hug.

"David, you saved me ag--"

"Behind you, idiot!"

The black cop shook his head at the scene. He knew Kevin fell for almost any good-looking guy that came along, but...in this sort of situation? It was a whole new level of stupid.

"Hey, you! You wanna let us in, or are you just going to watch us die?" Alyssa snapped.

He walked up and opened the gate. The six survivors charged through, and then he slammed the gate shut before the zombies could get in.

"Hey Marvin. What's up?" Kevin asked.

"Things aren't going so well. There are only a few of us left. We're going to get out of here..." Marvin told them the plan - collect the five puzzle pieces so that they could gain access to the crawlspace, and get out of the building. There was a collective groan among the newcomers.

"A puzzle? Dammit, I hate those. Who the hell makes a puzzle for a crawlspace in a police station?" Alyssa asked.

"A paranoid, art-collecting fat-man," Marvin replied. "Anyway, the sooner we start, the sooner we'll be done." He started for the door.

"Wait. We were promised weapons," Cindy said.

"It'll be tough to get to them... But we do have some left," Marvin said. Cindy's face formed into a grin that sent a chill down his spine.

"Let's split up and collect those puzzle pieces and weapons!" Kevin said.

"I call David!" Yoko said.

"You still haven't given up?" David asked. She shook her head.

"No, I'm going with David!" Kevin cried. He and Yoko looked ready to start fighting again.

"How about I go with David, and you two will go together? That way, neither of you is alone with him," Alyssa suggested.

"NO!" Yoko and Kevin said simultaneously.

"I refuse to be alone with either of you freaks," David said, crossing his arms.

"It's settled, then," Alyssa said. She grabbed David's arm and pulled him with her while walking through the front door.

"Hey!" Yoko and Kevin yelled. George and Cindy brushed past them and entered the building, too. The cop and the college student looked at each other, and sighed. They entered the building.

.O.

David and Alyssa stood beside a pair of double doors. They didn't go in there because there were two zombies staggering around, but they could hear some moaning and shuffling around the corner in this hallway, too.

"On second thought, maybe I should've gone with Kevin," David said quietly. "He's the only one with a gun. On third thought, I probably should've just punched him in the face and taken his gun."

Alyssa shushed him and peered around the corner. There was a zombie in a police uniform, walking down the hall in the other direction. She looked around for something to use against it, but couldn't find anything.

"Why don't you bitch at it until it can't take it anymore and kills itself?" David asked with a smirk.

Alyssa's face turned red and she opened her mouth to chew him out, but then she nodded. "It's worth a shot."

"I was kidding...," David said, but she was already going walking away.

"Hey! You!" Alyssa called. The zombie slowly turned around and stood there for a moment, swaying.

"You're supposed to be a cop! You know, protect and serve, not eat people's brains! If I did my job as poorly as you do...," she started. The zombie's rotted mouth frowned a little and it started towards her.

"Oh no you don't! You know I'm right! Eating me isn't gonna solve your problems!"

The zombie cocked its head, thinking something along the lines of, Why doesn't she shut up, or at least scream and run away? But of course, it wouldn't really be in words that we could understand. It's a zombie, for Chrissake.

"If you'd bathe every once in a while, and..." Alyssa continued.

Several minutes later...

The zombie was hitting its head on the wall as hard as it could, hoping to crush its already decaying head.

"And that's why our country's all fucked up! It's all your damn fault! You need to--"

The zombie let out an anguished moan and put its hands up to its ears. It then ran past Alyssa, running headlong into a wall at a top speed of four miles per hour, thinking, If there is a God, let me dieeee!

Nope, it was still alive. But now Alyssa spotted a piece of timber at the end of the hall, which she picked up. She walked back over to the zombie, who was standing there with its head down, and she hit it over the head with her newly acquired weapon. Its neck snapped and it died with a peaceful sigh.

"I never knew I could feel sorry for a zombie," David commented.

"Let's get going," Alyssa said, straightening her shirt. David followed without a word as she walked down the hall and through the next door.

.O.

A lone figure approached the RPD. He was battered, and his little finger was missing, but he was very much alive. The zombies turned around at the sound of his footsteps and approached him. In a show of superhuman power, he jumped over them, and the fence, in a single bound. Then he proceeded to enter the building.

.O.

A motorcycle roared into Raccoon, stopping outside a diner. A woman put up the kickstand and took off her helmet, placing it on her bike. Her long brown hair blew in the breeze; she put it up into a ponytail.

She wore a black unitard under a hot pink vest and matching short shorts. Yes, her sense of fashion was impeccable. And, she was wearing knee-high brown boots!

She walked into the diner.

"Damn, my ass hurts! I've been on that motorcycle all day!" she said. Then she noticed that there was no one in the diner. "Hey, anyone here? The sign on the door says open, you know."

The only reply was a slurping, smacking sound behind the counter. She walked around the counter to see a man in a cook's uniform, kneeling in front of a body.

"Uh, hope I'm not interrupting anything...," she said, backing away.

The man, or zombie for those of you who have figured it out already, turned around and moaned. Blood was dripping down its chin.

"Gross!" the woman yelled. She started backing away as the zombie stood up and walked towards her. She drew a knife from a sheath on her shoulder and jabbed it in the direction of the zombie.

"Back off! I've got a knife!" she cried. The undead monstrosity continued towards her. If it could have laughed at the patheticness of her weapon, it would have. "Why aren't you listening to me?"

.o End of Chapter o.