Hello again,
Hopefully I still have a few readers. Judging by the reviews there is a small chance all of the people reading this story died of fatal heart attacks, which I do apologize for.
I've gotta say though, I was looking forward to seeing how people would react to the end of that chapter for ages, which I realise is horrible of me.
Again, apologies.
Now, as I left you all with a cliffhanger of psychpathic proportions, on with the story!
Chapter 10: Aftermath.
::Arthur::
Time did not so much freeze as much as it shuddered into slow motion.
What Arthur was seeing didn't register…everything was the same…except…
Merlin stood before him in the throne room, newly accoladed a sorcerer of Camelot…only instead of smiling he had this crashing expression like the end of the world…and there was blood that was streaming from the gaping wound in his throat…
With a concussive noise inside Arthur's head, time resumed.
"Merlin!" He tried to yell, but was unsure if any noise came out. The crowd was yelling, Uther was saying something in his King voice…but Merlin…
Merlin staggered backwards, one hand going to his severed throat. His expression was disbelieving, desperate, eyes wide with wild agony…and the sound he was making.
"Merlin!" Arthur surged forwards but was suddenly restrained from behind.
"Let go of me! Merlin!"
It was the king. He wasn't saying reassurances or explanations, he was just watching Merlin collapse, rasping, onto one knee as he pinned his son's arms to his sides.
Merlin had left a trail of blood, marking his retreat, red as a Pendragon carpet. Throwing out a hand and then lifting it again he left a bloodied handprint. The most terrible noise in the world was accompanying every desperate heave of his chest, a sucking gurgle that left nobody in any doubt as to whether or not the sorcerer was drowning.
"Merlin! No, what have you done?" Arthur yelled to Merlin, to his father, to himself. "Merlin!"
Merlin looked up, horror and panic and anguish.
Gold sparkled in his blood; his magic was running out. Gold ran from his ears like cerebral fluid. He almost collapsed; he was shaking, backing away like a dog on a chain trying to flee the lash. Gaius was crying, Gwen was yelling Merlin's name. Merlin looked towards them but the movement caused a sickening haemorrhage of life. He looked down to the expanse of blood before him, jerked horribly, convulsively, slipping in his own blood and horror...
And with a sound like cracking bone…
Vanished.
"Merlin!" Arthur screamed and behind him Uther abruptly released him. So suddenly, in fact, that Arthur couldn't catch himself before he went pitching forwards to where Merlin had been. His hands slapped into the puddle of blood, a splash hit his face, there was blood in his mouth.
As quickly as he had fallen forwards Arthur recoiled back. He scrabbled on the stone leaving streaks of red until he was stopped by the stone steps behind him.
He shuddered, his chest feeling like it was a sucking wound…it was a black hole…he was going to fall in.
He sat there for a moment, drawing in a long sobbing breath that wouldn't end.
Blood on his face
Blood on his face
Merlin.
Merlin was gone.
Arthur looked up to Gaius and Gwen and was already half sitting up by the time what he saw registered. They had both been seized by guards…the shields Merlin had cast on them were gone.
Merlin would never have left them vulnerable…he would die before he left his friends helpless.
Arthur snatch up the ceremonial sword from where he had dropped it and sprang to his feet, rising and turning at the same time. Before the movement had ended there was a great metallic crash that made everybody but the participants jump.
Breathing hard Arthur glared down the blade to the man who had…who had…
He'd stopped the sword with his short dagger, which Arthur could now see he had been cleaning on his robes. A great chip had been taken out of the ceremonial sword where Merlin's killer had blocked it inches from his own neck. He didn't look alarmed, he looked merely contemptuous.
Mutterings and half-cries broke out in the knights when they saw the raised blade. It was against a knights honour to rise a blade to their liege; the man should've ducked or danced back, given way rather than hold his ground.
But this was not one of Arthur's men. His eyes, pale blue like Arthurs, flicked over the prince's shoulder to the king. Whatever he saw there made him stand back from Arthur's reach and lower his dagger.
Arthur reared forwards, slashing at him from the other direction. Immediately the assassin stoped retreating and blocked him again.
"Arthur!" Uther was yelling, coming to his side and grabbing his hands around the sword handle, "Arthur! Stop this at one! It is the after effects of the spell, Arthur. Calm yourself."
"THERE WAS NO SPELL!" Arthur cried, jerking from his father's grip to stand alone beside the splash of red on the floor.
"There was never any spell. You lied to me."
"I never lied to…"
Arthur raised the notched blade and pointed it at the king. Even though he was more than the blades length away from the king the crowd gasped once and fell into a tense silence.
Uther flinched.
"You lied about what we would do," Arthur breathed down the inscriptions honour and justice, "and you lied about why we would do it and…and…"
Arthur's hand dropped and he looked at all that remained of Merlin, a patch of blood on a murderer's floor.
His anger failed him and grief rose up to meet him.
Arthur didn't finish his sentence out loud but the words rang inside him,
…and it's all my fault.
::Gwen::
Gwen had known something was wrong, but she had trusted Arthur. He had obviously known what was happening but hadn't told them, so Gwen had trusted that it wouldn't hurt them…that Arthur would not put them in danger.
How wrong she was.
It was so quiet and quick she and Gaius didn't know what had happened. A man had stepped up behind Merlin and done something; his back blocked the something from view. Then the man had stepped back and Merlin had stopped midsentence, motionless. Gwen and Gaius shared a confused, worried look.
By the time they looked away from each other and back to Merlin there was blood all over the floor.
Everything happened in rapid succession from then. Arthur was being held back, Gwen was screaming, "Merlin!" but Merlin hadn't turned, he didn't have time. He didn't have time for anything anymore…
His time was up.
Merlin kept collapsing backwards away from Arthur and Uther. Gwen had leaped forwards (to save him? avenge him?) but a second later there was a snap of magic and he was just…
Gone.
Gwen had seen him disappear before, indeed she'd done some disappearing of her own when he'd teleported her.
But she remembered how much energy it had taken, how much concentration, and then soldiers had been grabbing her arms and she'd known it was over.
Arthur was holding a sword to the king, as if that would help. Gwen was still in shock, still reeling, numb. Beside her Gaius had been seized and they'd shared another wordless look. Disbelief and pain, pain and the knowledge that what they felt now was a roaring calm before a terrible storm…knowledge that the pain would get only worse.
Merlin's magical shields had failed them. And if the shields which were easy for a warlock of his power were gone he would not have had the power to transport himself anywhere. Gaius hung his head and Gwen's throat closed over. She would've hung from the grip of the soldiers holding her but her right arm had been twisted against itself and she had to stand away from the pain.
There was a heartbeat in her ears and a scraping pulse in her chest, a bird before this great storm that would surely small it into pieces.
He was gone. It was impossible, it couldn't have happened…but it had.
She looked around, squinting as though a bright light were being emitted from the faces of the crowds. The shapes made no meaning, words and language dissolved in her ears like salt in water.
She looked to Arthur, feeling nothing, expecting something. Nothing.
"And…" he was saying, "…and…"
And it was all his fault.
Gwen's heart sparked and she lunged against the arms holding her. Pain shot up her right arm, driving her into focus.
"Arthur!" She snarled, "what have you done?"
Arthur looked up from his bloodied hands and stared at her like she was a stranger who had surprised him.
Then Uther was stepping forwards.
"Bring them here," he ordered to the men holding Gwen and Gaius, pointing at the ground.
"Make them kneel."
Gwen and Gaius were shoved onto their knees in the pool of blood. She looked at it for a long moment, seeing the light playing across its lapping red surface.
Then she looked up.
If Uther thought she would fear him because he made her sit in her friend's blood he had another thought coming. Just like when he'd mistakenly named her a sorceress at the execution she felt a bolt of solidarity shoot through her.
There were no eyelids to close in respect.
No body to lie in a grave.
If kneeling in his blood was the last time Gwen would touch Merlin she would take it and she would treasure it.
She put her hands out to steady her and blood closed around her fingers.
Her heart whispered Merlin very quietly, lest the king hear it.
"Now you see what happens to those who break the laws of Camelot," Uther announced to the crowd.
He either didn't realise or didn't care that it had shrunken from him in fear.
"No matter how powerful the law breaker, justice will always reign."
He paced once to the right then once to the left, addressing the crowd looking like a lion sizing up a calf, whose neck he intended to break.
"The sorcerer is dead."
The word hung in the air and the people flinched around it.
"He broke the law and usurped my rule, and now he is dead."
Uther looked down to Gwen and Gaius, only disdain in his face.
Looking back at him defiantly Gwen could tell he had realised she was not a sorceress, that her magical protection had been Merlin. If he still thought she was a sorceress she wouldn't still be alive, held kneeling before him.
For a seething moment she wanted him to kill her and make Arthur watch.
"The sorcerer showed his power by using magic to control the thoughts of my son. But even a spelled Pendragon is a Pendragon," Uther gestured to Arthur with a welcoming hand.
Arthur shrunk away, the slant of his shoulders one line of don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me again.
"You murdered him," Arthur said in an uncomprehending voice, as if he couldn't quite get his head around the concept.
"You murdered him."
He blinked and looked at his father; Gwen could see blood on his eyelashes.
"Knights," Uther said in a calm voice, "escort the prince to his chambers, where he can regain his mind. The sorcerer's magic lingers there."
The knights couldn't disobey a direct order from their king. Very gently they took Arthur in hand but their grips tightened when he suddenly struggled against them.
"Murderer!"
He yelled all the while as they dragged him from the room and then Gwen could still hear his voice vanishing down the corridor.
The last words she heard were, "Merlin, I'm sorry."
He was sorry?
Gwen looked down to the floor without seeing it.
If he was so very sorry why had he lead them there in the first place?
Her hands formed bloodied fists. He knew nothing of sorry.
"These two," Uther continued once, "this physician and this servant, were in league with the sorcerer. They were allies; they supported his attempts to overthrow the crown."
"He could've taken your throne with his eyes closed," Gaius said sharply, tears still in his eyes.
Uther gave her a look like a strike and spoke with bared teeth.
"But as I have shown the power of the King, I shall also show a King's mercy."
Gwen looked up with another glare to give the king.
"Without the sorcerer's power these two are harmless and whilst they will not go unpunished they will be permitted to live."
The cunning in Uther's eyes told Gwen that this was not mercy for them but manipulation of the crowd, who were losing their looks of terror and, as a unit, uncoiling. Like a herd of sheep who have just seen a wolf turn into a lamb, confused but suddenly hopeful in the preservation of their lives, never mind the blood on the predators lips.
"Life is not yours to give and take away," Gaius said softly, just for Uther.
A smile twitched the dry skin of the king.
"Knights," Uther said and more armoured men stepped forwards. "Take these two to the servant quarters. They will collect buckets of water and rags, then return them to the hall. They will clean the floor of their friend."
Gwen and Gaius were pulled to their feet, blood flicking from their clothing and running down their skin.
"You are dismissed," Uther told the crowd, "tonight there will be festivals and feasts, and a great celebration of what happened here today."
Gwen and Gaius were led away by the knights. Looking over her shoulder Gwen could see the anxious crowd beginning to mill about; nobles moving to talk to other nobles, Uther even. Uther descended the final steps and allowed his hand to be wrung by his simpering subjects.
But all the while everybody was conscious not to touch the stain of red in the middle of the room, and stepped carefully around the footprints Gwen and Gaius had left as they were dragged away.
::Arthur::
The room was almost silent, the only sounds drifting in through the window being those of a city readying for night lead by a red sunset. Arthur's breathing was so quiet one would have to be within arms distance to actually hear it.
He sat with his back against the door, one leg stretched out, the other propped up. His hands sat limping on the cold stone and his head was halfway down, not quite being held up by his neck muscles but not quite being left to drop either. His eyes were open, unseeing.
There was a crisp knock on the door and the only sign of recognition he made was his eyes sliding into focus.
"Arthur, open this door," said the king. Arthur's head came up and back to rest on the wood, eyes looking up to the ceiling as he listened.
"Arthur I have keys and a platoon of men ready to force this door open, do as I say."
Arthur stood and moved away from the door, joints creaking.
"It's unlocked," he said as he moved, feeling cowed, to the far side of the room.
The king entered the room, closing the door shut behind him with a snap that made Arthur flinch weakly away.
"Is your mind clear?" Uther asked.
Arthur looked back.
His mind was white noise.
His mind was Merlin's eyes on his, dying, over and over, forever and ever.
Arthur closed his eyes and hitched in a breath.
"Yes."
"Good. Over the next few days we must rein-"
"Yes."
Arthur turned.
"I've been blind," he said. "And now it's too late…but I see you father, and I know what you did."
"What are-"
"That was not justice," Arthur hissed, spine rippling straight with anger, "that was murder."
"I see your mind is not clear," Uther said huffily.
"Don't patronize me," Arthur snarled, and now he turned towards Uther, body going hot with fury, "I understand you for the first time in my life. There was no spell, you knew it, and now I know it. No matter how much you argue I could not see it because I was enchanted I know the reason I could not see it is because it was not there."
"Ah but that's exactly what you would-"
"Shut up, father," Arthur spat the word, then spat on the floor for good measure.
"You will speak to me with respect," Uther's voice was sharp and cold and shivered with rage.
"I will do no such thing," Arthur said in a low voice that filled the room.
"I am your king-"
"And I am the prince, what is it that you are going to do to me that will not turn the people against you?"
Uther was silent for a long moment.
Eventually he opened his mouth but Arthur muttered furiously,
"That is why you spared Gwen and Gaius. Not for mercy, for your own public image."
Uther was looking at Arthur steadily and his expression evolved as he did so. Arthur could see in his father's eyes what he himself had only just realised; he was no longer a tool of his father's.
He was his own person, with his own thoughts and his own reasons. He was the prince, he was a challenge to Uther the king could not defeat without losing what he was fighting for.
And he was a fool, for ever letting the king manipulate him so.
"And what is it that you plan to do now?" Uther asked carefully.
"Whatever it is it will be of my own bidding," Arthur growled, blinking in tears.
"You betrayed me. You used my love for you against me. Worse, you made me use my love for my friends against them."
Arthur moved forwards and felt a stab of satisfaction when Uther felt wary enough to look to Arthur's side, checking for the sword he did not wear.
"You are a liar and you are a murderer. You are not my father and you are not my king."
There was a band around Arthur's chest that tightened with every word but he forced himself to breathe, to see this through. Uther's expression had gone colder than ice.
"As impressive as that little speech is, son, just remember where your friends are when you renounce me."
Gaius…Gwen...
In the hands of the King.
(Merlin, all over again.)
"I have been lenient with you, Arthur, but my patience will not last forever. Nor will my tolerance," Uther said into the sudden silence. He moved forwards, confident in the knowledge that he had the upper hand.
"If you ever speak to me like that again I assure you, you will never speak to your friends again."
There was vomit in Arthur's throat. He couldn't breathe. He was losing everything. He had lost everything.
Gwen, Gaius, his insides snarled, you can't just give up and roll over, if you won't fight for your useless self, fight for them. You owe them.
Coward.
COWARD!
"Apologize, Arthur," Uther ordered, standing over him.
Arthur was disgusted with his father, disgusted with himself. Disgusted with the way his father's was putting his hands on Arthur's soul and making fists around it.
Pulling him, pushing him.
"Apologize now, Arthur."
Trapped, thinking only of the horrors his best friend's murderer, his father, might inflict on the two people he held captive, Arthur forced out two words that burnt his mouth,
"I'm…sorry."
Uther looked down at him; seemingly both satisfied with getting what he wanted and condescending that Arthur had given in. Maybe Uther would respect him more if he put his pride before his friends, but the cost of his pride would be Gwen and Gaius.
Just like Merlin.
What had he done?
"I'm calling the knights back from patrol, the ones who might've allied themselves with the sorcerer…or you," Uther said, turning away, "get a grip on yourself before they arrive or they will all be sent to isolated barracks on the borders to work as servants."
As Uther left Arthur could only tremble. He'd walked willingly into this mess and now he was paying the price.
Or more accurately his friends were, for not a hair on the prince's precious head would be touched. Even if Arthur threw himself in front of his friends the arrow would bend around him, the sword would never touch him.
He was invincible.
And Merlin was dead.
Arthur slumped to the ground again and began to cry.
What had he done?
What had he done?
Merlin…he was so sorry.
::Gwen::
Merlin's blood gave them one last protection. The soldiers guarding them seemed to be superstitious and didn't want to get near it, so Gwen and Gaius sat alone in the middle of the hall with the guards standing by the exits. Gwen scrubbed hard, compensation for Gaius' slow, arthritic hands, and had what she knew could be their last chance at a private conversation in a long time.
"He really is gone, isn't he Gaius?" She asked, scrubbing hard at a patch Gaius had been wiping weakly with a cloth for the past few minutes.
"Yes," Gaius exhaled.
"There's no chance…"
"No."
"Because we've seen him disappear before. He could've…I don't know…gone to a healer or…"
"Gwen," Gaius said softly, looking up into her eyes. "Merlin's magical shields failed. He's such a…was…such a magical being that his magic would fail after his body. And even if he had been able to teleport somewhere, where would he have gone? Even I do not have the skill to save a person with a…a…"
"I know," Gwen whispered, remembering the injury. She'd only seen it once, when Merlin had half turned and she'd seen the horror where skin used to be. It had made her whole soul shiver, the memory made her want to retreat into darkness, for the world was too cruel for living in.
She'd seen such a wound before on soldiers after battles…as she helped clear the streets of the dead.
"A…a…throat wound, like that," Gaius seemed to want to talk despite the obvious pain he felt doing so. "To stop the bleeding you'd have to compress the wound and compressing the wound would suffocate him…and it would still be bleeding on the inside. Maybe, maybe, a powerful healer who had both the magic and the training could've done it. But he could never have reached them."
"Why not?" Gwen said, wanting some reason to hope.
"He didn't have the power Gwen," Gaius said, sounding as if each word were barbed. "If he didn't have the power to stop two soldiers from seizing us how could he have had the power to transport himself? It takes enormous power and complete focus."
"But he disappeared from here, doesn't that mean he had to reappear somewhere?"
Gaius sighed and dipped his rag in the bloody water in the bucket.
"No. It's the reappearing that takes most of the energy. I read about it, in some old texts. He probably just disappeared and never…came back."
"But where would he disappear to?" Gwen asked emphatically, wanting to understand everything, anything.
"Nothingness, nowhere," Gaius brought the rag back onto the stone with a wet slap.
"What do you mean nowhere?"
"I mean nowhere Gwen. He is physically non-existent."
Gwen shrank into herself a little.
Several minutes passed and when she spoke again it was in the voice of the defeated.
"Do you believe in heaven or…I don't know…some sort of afterlife, Gaius?"
"No," Gaius said.
After a moment he added,
"But Merlin did."
Gaius and Gwen were kept constantly under guard. They could walk wherever they liked, only they had an escort. An armed escort.
They had finished cleaning the throne room they then walked back to the servant's quarters to put away their cleaning tools. The guards following them did not pressure or threaten them, but nonetheless the men dogging their feet had made them take quick steps.
They'd been taking one of the outer corridors which had glassless windows open to the breeze. It was lit by lamps; dusk was almost turned into night.
Looking out Gaius had reached for Gwen's arm, pulling her to an abrupt halt.
"They're burning his things," Gaius said quietly.
Indeed, servants were hurrying to the middle of the courtyard under Uther's imperious gaze, throwing Merlin's few possessions onto a burning pyre. The wind blew the fire into swirls, bright sparks flying up but cooling and dying before they met the stars.
The ashes marked it already too late to save any of Merlin's things.
But it wasn't just Merlin's things burning. Gwen could see a pile of Gaius clothes being thrown onto the fire as well, the blackened remains of his herb bags puffing into ash as a log cracked and fell over them.
Gwen guessed that tonight would see a house in the lower town burning. She felt no loss for the house, there was no room in her for anything but grief for Merlin. He was gone and Uther was making sure they didn't even have a scrap of cloth to remember him by.
"Come on, Gaius," she said gently.
She carefully laced her fingers through those of the old man, as though this gesture alone could make everything alright. Gaius seemed to have aged another seventy years in the past few hours and his sudden frailty scared Gwen. Eyeing Uther with an expression that obviously wished him fatal harm, Gaius let Gwen pull him away.
"We should…we should…" Gaius stopped again, seeming to grapple with himself for words.
He half fell down, half sat down. Worried, Gwen sat down with him and held him upright, feeling that if he lay down he may very well die. Gaius grabbed at the hand of hers he wasn't already holding and tears fell from his eyes onto it. He spoke so softly, so thick with tears, the guards hadn't a hope of hearing him, let alone understand him.
"We should…avenge…somehow…"
"Hey, hey," Gwen said firmly, "none of that. Mer…Merlin wouldn't want that."
Her tears fell to join Gaius'. The soldiers shuffled where they stood, possibly feeling uncomfortable at having to guard a servant and an old man, both of whom were crying.
"Merlin wouldn't want us to give up," she whispered, shaking Gaius' hands slightly. "Merlin wanted us to survive, to live. That's how we honour him, but living, not by seeking vengeance, not by getting ourselves killed."
Gaius was shaking and Gwen felt another serious pang of worry; she hoped he wasn't about to have a heart attack.
She wondered if the soldiers would run for help if that happened or if they would stand and watch.
"I just…it was…never meant to be this way," Gaius sobbed softly.
"I know," Gwen cried, hugging the old man to her chest, "I know."
She rested her head on his hair. She felt broken inside, but knew she had to be strong for Gaius. If she wasn't strong enough for the both of them Gwen feared they wouldn't both make it out of this grief alive.
::Arthur::
The next morning Arthur jerked away as if he'd been slapped. He sat upright but seemed to leave his brain behind. He was miserable, why was he miserable?
He remembered and clutched his head.
He'd slept?
How had he slept?
He'd slept in a bed when Merlin didn't even have a grave.
Getting to his feet he looked around for clothes so he could leave right now, he needed to get out of this room (and his head) right now. He couldn't find any but, upon looking down, realised he was still wearing the clothes he had changed into yesterday after…it had happened. In the corner of his vision were the pants he had been wearing, knees stained red. He moved away. After thinking for a second Arthur went to his desk and scrawled a quick note then stamped it shut with wax. It was just going to Uther but Arthur knew how Uther valued prestige and importance and felt the wax couldn't hurt. (Couldn't hurt.)
(Daggerthroatdon'tthinkaboutitit'sallIcanthinkabout!)
"Soldiers," Arthur said, stepping into the hall. He tried to sound commanding but his voice was wound tight, he sounded on edge, out of control.
Had he ever had less control?
Had he ever had any control?
There were four men outside who now stood to attention. They were not the same men who had forced him into his room the day before; they must have changed in the night.
"I want one of you to take this to the king."
A man stood forwards.
So they hadn't all been under specific orders not to leave his side, Arthur reflected as the man took the letter. It wasn't much information, but with the revelation that Uther was not the person Arthur thought he was, Arthur was going to have to figure out what sort of person he actually was. All he would have to work off was small clues…or massive gestures…
(The plan to knock Merlin out, the king asking Arthur to bring him Merlin so he could be knocked out.)
(Merlin falling to the ground…fully conscious…fully aware…)
(Shut up! Arthur cried into himself.)
Closing the door behind him Arthur went to his window and looked out. He saw the small pile of ash in the courtyard, the pyre of Merlin's things, the pyre of the very memory of him, and looked away. His stomach felt bottomless whenever he thought about Merlin; as he couldn't stop thinking about him Arthur walked around feeling like he'd been recently poisoned.
Because it had been his fault, hadn't it?
He hadn't drawn the knife, but he'd as good as done. He'd led Merlin there and made him helpless. No, worse, he made Merlin make himself helpless.
He should've known his father would never be satisfied with keeping Merlin captive, he should've known Uther didn't actually care about Arthur's peace of mind. Maybe he had known. Uther's betrayal had come as a shock, but not nearly enough as it should have. Deep down, a part of him had expected this, a part of him he had ignored so he could seek his father's pride in peace.
Merlin.
The cost of Arthur's mistake had been Merlin.
The cost of Arthur's pride had been Merlin.
Arthur paced away from the window, to the door and then back. He looked around his room. It didn't just feel different, it was different. One of his candle sticks had fallen apart, having been held together by magic, and there was the musty smell of old stone that pervaded the castle which had before now seemed to spare this room.
And it was empty…empty like a body starving…empty like a dry riverbed with dying villagers looking in.
Arthur looked at the swords on his wall. They reflected the sunlight coming in through the window back into Arthur's eyes. Blinking he looked away, but their long, white shapes took a moment to fade from his vision.
It took longer than he expected, but finally there was a knock on the door; the soldier had returned.
"The king has given you permission to see the traitors, but only on the condition that a soldier is present."
"I understand," Arthur said; he had expected as much.
Frowning, the soldier dragged Gwen in by her arm and after her came Gaius, who was being pushed and jostled by another man. Arthur said nothing at their rough treatment as his words would be counter-productive at best, though his hands clenched by his side. The soldier pushing Gaius left at a quiet word from the first man, who released Gwen with a wince, seemingly having been gripping her so hard his hand had cramped.
Glaring back at him Gwen rotated her arm in its socket, stretching what must be sore muscles.
"You summoned us," Gaius said.
His voice wasn't the cold of fury; it was the cold of slimy, blind things that had never seen the light.
His expression wasn't dead like death, it was dead like life gone terribly, irreversibly wrong.
And his eyes were different. Though sunken in folds of soft, wrinkled skin they were hard as chips of ice, chips of metal, arrowheads aimed at Arthur.
With a quick glance to the soldier Arthur stepped forwards.
"If I didn't get my father's permission to see you it would have made things worse."
"Worse?" Gaius' voice rattled like spilt bones, "worse?"
Arthur felt like he'd been kicked in the chest by a horse but bowed his head, saying,
"Yes. Worse."
"Worse than Merlin dying, you mean."
Looking up again Arthur abruptly realised that Gaius' eyes weren't glinting with malice. The light in them was a reflection of the sun, bright on a sheen of tears.
"I didn't mean for it to happen," Arthur could say this in nothing more than a whisper.
"You knew, you've always known the risk your father posed to him," Gaius snarled, coming alive, dying. "But you took Merlin too him and you made Merlin weak and your father powerful, and you expect me to believe you didn't suspect exactly what happened to happen?"
"I…my father promised he wouldn't hurt him…" Arthur said softly, fed by some tiny, desperate need to explain himself.
Gaius strode forwards. Behind him the solder moved restlessly on the wall but didn't seem to think Gaius was dangerous enough to warrant intercepting. His attitude changed when Gaius raised his hand and smacked Arthur hard on the face. The soldier took two steps forwards, hand going to his sword, but Gwen beat him. Grabbing onto Gaius hand, which had raised to deliver a second blow, she pulled him back, away from Arthur.
Arthur hadn't moved, it hadn't hurt. The worst thing about it was that despite Gaius' towering grief he was too weak to express it, his hand had patted across Arthur's face painlessly.
Arthur wished Gaius had broken his jaw.
"Merlin wouldn't want this," Gwen said quietly, the first words she'd said since entering the room.
"Merlin doesn't want anything anymore," Gaius snarled, trying to raise his hand again, "thanks to this…this…"
Words failed him, he spat at Arthur's feet.
"Merlin wouldn't want this," Gwen repeated emphatically, as though those four words were all that mattered.
"He wouldn't want us to become like them…not even because of his death."
On 'them' she shot Arthur a look a purest loathing, of agony and betrayal and heartbreak. Arthur winced his eyes closed and averted his face, feeling like he'd taken a knife in the gut and thoroughly deserved it.
"I know I should've known better," he said to the floor, leaning away from Gaius and Gwen as if they were his father coming forwards to hit him.
"But I did believe...or hope…maybe…that I had, I don't know, gotten through to…convinced…my father to spare him."
"What did you promise him?" Gaius shook Gwen from his arm but remained where he was, "Uther would never have given away Merlin's life easily and I could tell you were planning something. You were acting weirdly before…What did you think was going to happen?"
"I…my father had told me that there was a chance Merlin had spelled my thoughts...so…he wanted to execute him, but I told him Merlin might not have, I told him Merlin might have been innocent," Arthur looked up imploringly but Gaius and Gwen were still looking at him with betrayed eyes. "But…I couldn't be sure what my father said wasn't true, because if Merlin had spelled my thoughts I wouldn't have been able to tell…"
"Merlin would never do that," Gaius growled, then realised what tense he had used and made a soft cry in his throat before correcting himself, "would never have done that."
"I know but…I don't know…my father…"
"So what were you going to do?" Gwen interrupted his stutterings.
Arthur looked up in anguish. The truth…at the time it had seemed like the right thing to do, but now he had to reveal what he and his father had planned...it was so obviously wrong.
He shivered but there was no way out.
Inside he was sick sick sick.
Arthur knew that as soon as he had uttered the words the looks Gwen and Gaius would give him would kill a small part of his heart.
But he had to tell them, he realised that. After all he done and failed to do, he had to tell them.
He deserved his friends hating him, they deserved to know everything they were hating him for.
"I wouldn't let my father kill him…so…so my father convinced me there would be a way for me to know I was free of Merlin's influence, and that it was the only way. I…we…"
Arthur sighed and the fear and fight fell out of his voice.
"We were going to bleed him so he'd be too weak to do any magic."
Gaius reeled back a step, gasping in one breath before his eyes closed and tears ran down his cheeks. The pain of him was palpable.
Gwen trembled once all over and put a hand to her mouth, eyes fixed on Arthur's face.
"I was…I thought it was the only way…"
A whisper came from behind Gwen's hand, stopping Arthur in his tracks.
"Monster," she burst out, stepping forwards, "he was your friend, he protected you, and you were going to bleed him? Like a criminal? Like some sort of animal going to the slaughter?"
She stepped forwards again. Gaius did nothing to restrain her as she had for him a moment ago. Arthur had to force himself to not step back.
"He trusted you and you led him on! You used his trust to make him helpless for your filthy murdering father."
The solider behind her cleared his throat, uncomfortable at the slander against the king's name, but Gwen didn't give any sign of noticing or caring.
"He would've died for you, Arthur, and you killed him."
Arthur's throat closed over and he closed his eyes, dying.
"Look at me," Gwen snarled from right in front of him, "look at me."
Arthur opened his eyes. For a long moment Gwen looked inside them, looking from one eye to the other, searching for something she could forgive.
She found nothing. Gwen made a horrible disgusted noise in her throat and stepped back, as though being close to Arthur made her feel sick.
"You can…" Arthur started but his throat wasn't working, he breathed in.
He was crying.
"You can hit me, if you want to."
Gwen looked at him with withering revulsion.
"Because that would solve everything," she said, "more violence."
"I'm sorry," Arthur was full on crying now.
The soldier by the wall looked highly uncomfortable but Arthur didn't have room for that in his head. He was sobbing, tears running down his eyes, dripping across his nose and into his mouth.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, I really didn't. I'm so sorry."
Gwen was crying now too but still stepping away, away.
"I don't know how you could do this. I thought I knew you, I loved you."
The past tense sliced inside Arthur's head.
"I don't know how you had the…the…capacity for this…all this time…and I never suspected…"
"I'm sorry!" Arthur felt sick, venomous, contagious.
"Please…I…please…"
"Please what? Forgive you?" Gwen turned away now, moving to Gaius where he'd been standing, crying on his own. "I don't even know how you can find it within yourself to ask that of me."
And she and Gaius left; shooting worried looks at Arthur the soldier followed them.
And Arthur just stood there in the knowledge that he had failed everyone and that everything was broken.