Trials
Chapter Ten: In-Between
Mother came by a couple of hours later, properly knocking, waiting to see if he was there. His mother's mere presence usually brought him great comfort, but now he dreaded her company. He stood back from the door to let her pass. "You're not here to tell me I'm doing the wrong thing, are you?" He was well aware now, if he hadn't quite been before, that he'd taken her idea farther than she'd intended.
"No. Mostly I'm here to tell you to eat," she said with a smile.
Loki shook his head and gave a wry laugh. "You're very persistent about that, you know." He closed the door and followed her into his antechamber.
"I'm very persistent when it comes to my sons, yes, Loki, and you have always been on the thin side." She ran the back of her fingers across his cheek as she sometimes did. "I know how difficult this period is. Your body is changing, your abilities are increasing and your vulnerabilities are decreasing, you're gaining a new status in the realm…it can be a challenge to remember to take care of yourself properly, to adjust to your new role, to navigate the transition from youth to adulthood… Formally, you know, it happens in a day, that transition. In practice, it takes much, much longer, and it can be painful and frustrating."
Loki frowned at her. His mother talked indirectly about things sometimes, and he thought he was figuring it out better than he used to. "I know you aren't talking about eating anymore."
"Yes, I know," she said with a teasing smile. "I wasn't going for subtlety, my dear clever boy."
Loki went over to his leather sofa and sank down into it. "Have I done the wrong thing, Mother? Made the wrong decision?"
"Oh, my dear son," she said on a sigh, sitting down beside him and patting his thigh before twisting around to sit sideways to more fully face him. "You don't take small steps, do you? You're more like your brother in that way than I think I knew. One of the many complicated things about growing up is that you learn right and wrong are not always so easily determined. In some things, yes, but in many things there is more than one right, and more than one wrong, and shades between them and lines so fuzzy that when you squint at them they seem to disappear. Decisions that made sense at the time, that seemed right from every observable angle…with the passage of time 'right' can acquire shades of uncertainty, and even shades of 'wrong.' But once decisions are made, you may not be able to 'unmake' them. You must live with them, and deal as best you can with their consequences."
Loki blinked heavily. He tried to follow what Mother was saying, but she was getting even more vague and abstract, barely even looking at him anymore, and maybe he was just tired from all the worry and anxiety but he really couldn't quite figure out her point. Unless it was to say his decision to file a petition was now shaded with "wrong." "So you do think I made the wrong decision?"
"No, no, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. I just wanted to say that there's not necessarily a right or wrong here. It was a valid choice to pursue this the way you are, though it wasn't my intention to push you in that direction. Your rights to be informed about the rules can certainly be addressed in a legal forum."
"I'm waiting for the 'but,'" Loki said. He could hear it in her voice.
"No 'but,'" she said, eyebrows raised. "A reminder, though. Keep in mind that everyone involved in this process is someone you will have to face the next day, and the day after that, and so on. Take care in how you conduct yourself."
Loki's shoulder's sagged as he sank back further into the sofa. Thor had said basically the same thing, and Loki had completely – and rudely – rejected his advice. "You're saying I shouldn't make Tyr mad."
"I'm saying you shouldn't alienate Tyr, or Sorkvir, or Finnulfur, or anyone else. Don't set fire to the bridges you've crossed. A decision will be made, and you and everyone else will have to accept it and move on. Be the polite and respectful young man I've raised you to be, and a good example for your younger brother. Your older brother, too, for that matter."
Loki nodded unhappily. He hadn't been thinking about being polite and respectful, and he certainly hadn't been thinking about being an example, least of all to Thor. He'd been closer to throwing a real punch at him than being an example. Not that that would have gone well. When Thor didn't hold back he could beat Loki into a sack of jelly. He'd found that out the hard way when he'd realized how much Thor was holding back, and insisted he stop.
He didn't really want to be an example to Thor, he thought once his mother left with his promise that he would order something and eat it. Baldur, yes, that he could understand, but he wasn't meant to be an example for Thor, nor was Thor meant to be an example for him even as the older brother. Ten months wasn't enough of a difference for that. Thor lived his life the way he saw fit – heavy drinking and tavern-hopping at the moment – and Loki did not begrudge him that, even if he didn't choose to join in. But he already took enough responsibility for Thor when he went out drinking; he didn't need the extra responsibility of being an example to him. And Thor had certainly taken responsibility for him plenty of times as they'd grown up.
He didn't need to be an example, or to have an example. He needed his best friend. He needed his brother.
/
/
Loki rose early the next morning, threw on some simple clothing, and ran on the stairs for a while. He preferred his runs outdoors, of course, but that would mean showing his face to more than just the Einherjar that were posted to most of the floors. Back in his chambers he quickly washed himself off in the bath – a real soak wouldn't be the best use of his time – and dressed in more formal attire, then hurried upstairs to cut his mother off at the pass.
"What's for breakfast, Nabin?" Loki asked the head steward when he arrived at his parents' dining room.
Nabin rattled off the dishes, and Loki listened and nodded with as much feigned interest as he could muster.
No one was there except for a couple of other servants preparing the table setting – he was still a little early – so Loki headed back toward the bedchambers. He hadn't quite made it there when he rounded a corner and nearly fell over when a four-year-old barreled around the same corner and right into him. Baldur stumbled back a couple of steps, startled, but he wasn't hurt. "Why are you in such a hurry this morning, hm?" Loki asked, his smile no longer pretend.
"Loki, you aren't supposed to be here!" Baldur said in something that was not quite a shout…but close.
Baldur looked upset, and Loki stared down at him, uncertain how to respond. He almost always had breakfast up here, Thor too, though Thor came a little less regularly since he turned twenty. Their mother and Baldur always had lunch together in the morning, their father, too, if he had time. So Loki wasn't sure why he wasn't supposed to be here, unless Baldur had somehow formed a different opinion about him and his performance at the Trials now, maybe if he'd overheard someone else making fun. Baldur, in the meantime, turned on his heel and ran back in the other direction, toward the bedchambers.
Loki took a deep breath, then followed. He was soon at the door to his parents' chambers, where Mother and Baldur emerged hand-in-hand.
"Loki, you've disappointed Baldur. I told him he could go call you to breakfast. I assumed you wouldn't come on your own, and you wouldn't be able to resist this sweet little face," Mother said, to which Baldur looked up at Loki with a gap-toothed grin.
Loki leaned down and gave Baldur's cheek a quick light pinch in relief that he hadn't lost his most ardent supporter, his only unquestioning supporter. "I'll make sure you get another chance very soon, how's that?" he asked, cringing in mock pain when he let Baldur pinch his cheek in return. It was a big deal for him, the chance to go down after Loki on his own, as he was only fairly recently allowed to go to the other floors, and then only with permission.
"All riiiiight," Baldur said, then looked back up at Mother with big eyes. "I could go get Thor. Loki, did Thor come with you, too?"
Loki shook his head and Mother told Baldur that Thor might not want to be woken, then distracted him by telling him about the fun things he would be doing with his nursemaid today. Loki followed the two of them back to the dining room. It was a little strange, listening to them. He could still remember when that was him. Him and Thor, of course. Spending their mornings with Mother, many of their days with their nursemaids, at least until they started their lessons, and then they spent the days with their tutors, later adding in afternoons with trainers, while dinner was either in the family dining room or the Feasting Hall. The rhythm of their lives had been fairly steady for twenty years, and now everything was changing. Loki had been making his own schedule for weeks already, preparing for examinations and the Trials, and Thor had been making his own for months. And now here they were – Loki had failed his Trials and Thor wasn't around. Loki looked down at Baldur's hand in their mother's and felt an unwelcome pang of envy.
/
/
After breakfast – just the three of them – Loki headed to the Library of the Law. He wore a hooded cloak and cut through the gardens behind the palace, and if anyone noticed it was their humiliated prince who walked rapidly among them, they gave no sign of it. The Library of the Law was only two buildings away, one floor of a tower which housed, among many other things, the Law Preparatory Institute. He and Thor had toured both twice, and Loki had agreed with Thor's assessment: boring. Loki had never imagined he would ever actually need to come here.
"Good morning," Loki said, dropping the hood of his cloak only because he would look bizarre at this point if he didn't.
"Good morning, Prince Loki," the young law clerk at the front desk said, clearly surprised to see Loki there. "How can I help you?"
"I need to review legal procedure in the hearing of citizens' rights petitions."
"That's simple enough. I can prepare that for you myself," she said. "Is that all?"
"Yes, that's all." He waited while the clerk found the material in the library's holdings. There were three others here, three more law clerks serving at the library's front desk, and they were all staring at him. He pretended they did not exist, and wished he could pretend the blond in front of him didn't, either.
"All right, here you go," she said, handing him a yellow library notepad. "The House of Odin Reading Room is available if you'd like to use it."
"Thank you," Loki said, chin held high, even as his insides felt like they were crumbling. He hurried down the corridor to the House of Odin chamber – a wonderful reminder that not only had he been marked a failure, but he was the king's son and a failure – grateful at least that in that chamber he knew he wouldn't be disturbed. The door closed automatically behind him and wall sconces came to life, dramatically lighting still portraits of key moments in the history of Asgardian law, all the things Loki had studied. They weighed on him like a physical burden.
He sat down at one of the nine smooth polished wooden tables and found himself looking up at his grandfather Borr, as he affixed his seal to a new law concerning the protection of land. Loki stared at him for a minute, then stuck his tongue out at him. He half-expected alarms to go off all over Asgard. When no alarms sounded, no horrified law clerks ran in, and Borr himself didn't manage to rip himself out of that portrait to give him a tongue-lashing or a more literal lashing – Borr had been pretty harsh that way – Loki settled down and pulled out the pen from the top of the notepad, activating whatever documents it had been prepared with. He needed to be taken seriously, like an adult, and sticking his tongue out at dead ancestors wouldn't exactly help his case.
/
/
Loki spent all morning and part of the afternoon at the library. The notebook he'd been given had everything he needed, so once he'd been through it all he took it back to his chambers along with the notes he'd made on the material. He didn't have to know all of this, who said what, when, appropriate behavior on the floor – Finnulfur would provide any needed instruction, and mistakes in procedure, according to the information he read, were acceptable, so long as they were not deemed intentional. Legal proceedings on Asgard were plain-spoken affairs, with advocates or investigators or sponsors not normally used except in the most serious cases, or in special circumstances such as being underage; Loki was technically still underage, but because he'd already passed his examinations, he fell into a strange in-between status and was considered an adult for purposes of the law. He was annoyed that Tyr and Sorkvir would get to present their case first, but he also figured that meant he got to have the last word, which was hopefully just as useful.
Afterward, he reviewed his arguments. He hadn't anticipated that he wouldn't be talking first. It made him nervous. He'd attempted to list out their arguments but hadn't come up with many…"you broke the rules, you can't use magic" was about the extent of it, and he'd added "you should have known it was against the rules because youths aren't trained in magic," based on what his father and brother had said. He hoped their presentation was no more complex than that, because he'd prepared a response to those.
Obediently he went upstairs for dinner; he knew by now that if he didn't either Mother would show up or she'd send Baldur after him to make him feel guilty. Thor was absent from the dinner table and Mother didn't say if she knew why and Loki didn't ask – no matter how much he wanted to. He assumed it would be just the three of them again, then, since Father was exceedingly busy this time of year with the plans and meetings and scheduling surrounding Victory Day, but just as the first course dishes were being cleared, Odin came into the dining room.
His eyes fell on Loki for what seemed to Loki a little longer than should be normal, but he said nothing to him, instead going to Baldur who'd hopped up from his chair and run toward him.
"Father, you came! Loki came tonight, but Thor's not here."
"I see that," Father said, lifting Baldur up, and up and up as Baldur reached for the ceiling.
"We were eating, Odin," Frigga said.
"So you were," Odin said, lowering and turning Baldur, then depositing him in his chair. "Is there any left, or did you eat it all, Baldur?"
"There's lots left. I didn't even eat all of my soup."
"And why not?" Father asked as a bowl of steaming soup was placed before him. "This isn't a foul soup, is it?" He quirked an eyebrow and looked down at his soup with suspicion.
Loki tuned out the familiar conversation. Baldur was going through a stage where he ate little of his meal but the bread, and if he didn't have any bread he wouldn't eat hardly anything, so many mealtime conversations revolved around what Baldur did or didn't eat. Loki thought they should just let him be – he wasn't starving, he wasn't being served things he disliked, and if he was hungry he'd eat his soup. He'd said so once, and his father had frowned and even his mother had looked a little annoyed. Probably he shouldn't have said so in front of Baldur. He sighed, then glanced up and caught his father looking at him, before he quickly looked down at his soup and took a sip from his spoon.
"What did you do today, Loki?" Father asked during the third, main course.
Loki looked up in surprise. He'd thought that at this rate his father wasn't going to address him at all tonight. "I…ah…well, I went to the Library of the Law to learn about procedure at a citizens' rights petition. And then I reviewed my presentation."
"Didn't you study that in your lessons?"
"Yes, Father. But I…it's different when it's your own petition. And we really didn't study the practical aspects of it very much."
"Do you think you should have?"
"I…ah…yes, I should have," Loki stammered out. Was I supposed to be studying things on my own all that time, too? I could have, if he'd told me he wanted me to. He had of course sometimes studied extra things, when something particularly interested him, but he hadn't made a habit of it. He'd spent most of his time after his lessons were done for the day outdoors with Thor.
"Just have a small one, Baldur," Mother said, leaning over toward her youngest and trying to get him to eat a carrot slice, as Baldur shook his head.
"Frigga, speak to the tutors. Make sure Baldur's studies include the practical side of the law along with its history and philosophy and theory," Father said before draining the mead from his goblet.
Mother agreed, while Loki popped a bite of roasted carrot into his mouth and replayed in his head what Father had said. He wasn't criticizing me, he realized. At least I don't think he was. It made him feel a little better, but didn't lift the tension from the table.
"When I have lessons I'll learn how to do a…right petition?"
"Mm-hm," Loki said, mouth full.
"Then I'll do one, too, when I grow up."
Father cleared his throat. "I would actually prefer for all three of my sons to stay out of the legal system, if at all possible."
"Yes, Father," Loki said to his plate, trying to hide his sudden shame.
"Yes, Father," Baldur echoed, though Loki was certain that that comment was directed specifically to only one Odinson. "Well…maybe I'll just do a small one," Baldur then added, poking at the carrot Mother had put on his plate.
Mother's hand flew to her mouth, and when Loki looked up at her they both started laughing. A moment later even Father was laughing, and tapping his goblet for more mead.
/
/
"Took you long enough," Loki heard when he entered his chambers.
He wasn't particularly startled – as soon as he'd started opening the door he saw the lights were already on, and that could really only mean one thing. "I don't feel like fighting anymore," Loki said, moving through his chambers, past where Thor was sprawled across one of the sofas in his antechamber. "Tomorrow's an important day." He continued right on into his bedchamber, where he grabbed the nightclothes that had been laid out for him and quickly changed. He wanted to go to bed early, and get up early so that he had time to go for a run and take a long relaxing bath before reviewing his notes and facing Tyr.
"I don't feel like fighting anymore, either," Thor called. "I've been thinking."
"Really? Good for you. It's about time," Loki called back. It was mean and he knew it and he felt guilty even though he told himself he had every right to be mad at Thor for going behind his back and insulting him and... He shook his head at himself, then traced his steps back through his chambers to where Thor was now sitting up.
"I would have demanded a rematch," Thor said.
Loki looked down at him in confusion.
"You told me to imagine if it happened to me. If it happened to me, I would have demanded a rematch, right then and there, and fought with one sword."
Loki tried to picture it, Thor standing out there in the middle of the arena having just heard the word "fail." He started nodding. Yes, his brother would refuse to accept the failure, and not leave the field until the others relented and let him fight Tyr again. Thor would not walk away without a victory. Or a "truce," the closest one could come to victory in the battle trial.
"And if they tried to refuse me, I probably would have broken something with Mjolnir. Like…buildings," Thor said, looking a little embarrassed, which Loki thought was odd. "Sit with me a few minutes, Brother. I've missed you," he said, slapping a hand to the side against the back of the leather sofa. "I'm sorry I lost my temper before."
"I missed you, too," Loki said, settling down next to Thor with a sigh. Losing his temper wasn't precisely what he wished Thor would apologize for, but at least it was an apology, and things already felt comfortable between them again. He'd always hated it when they fought for real. "I'm sorry, too."
"Where did you get this whole idea from, anyway?" Thor asked, turning to lean against the arm rest and tucking one leg up under the other.
"The citizens' rights petition? From you! Have you forgotten already?"
"No, I don't mean that. I mean going to Finnulfur."
"Oh, well, from Mother, actually."
At that Thor sat up straighter and his jaw gaped open. "That was Mother's idea? Loki, you should have known better. This is about your Trials. It's about becoming a man and a warrior. You shouldn't listen to her on things like that. She's not a warrior."
Loki frowned and narrowed his eyes, thinking this might just turn into another fight after all. "I dare you to say that to her face."
Thor rolled his eyes but looked away and backed down. Their mother had been trained in weaponry beyond what was expected at the Women's Trials, and while she didn't enjoy it the way her sons did, both of them knew she was more than competent with a sword.
They sat there in silence for a while, and Loki was just contemplating going to bed when Thor spoke again. "Can't you think of some other way out of this?"
Loki shook his head.
"Loki, come on, you're the smart one, there has to be something you can think of."
He gave a grim smile. "I'm no smarter than you, Thor. And I don't have any magic for this."
Thor unexpectedly leaned forward and grabbed Loki's right arm, at the same time beginning to laugh. Loki instinctively tried to jerk away but Thor's grip on him was firm, though not painful. "Loki, don't move. Stay right where you are, and remember what you just said. I'm going to get pen and paper, and you're going to right those words down. And you're going to sign your name to it. And prick your thumb and leave a thumbprint in blood."
Loki's grim expression melted into laughter of his own. "Keep dreaming. I was overcome with foolish sentiment and I didn't want to make you feel bad after you came in here and apologized to me and everything. I am infinitely smarter than you, Brother."
"And ever so modest."
"That too."
They sat there a while longer, the silence this time relaxed and reassuring. But after a while, an unanswered question drifted back to Loki's mind. "Thor…"
"Mm-hm."
"Do you think I should have passed?"
Thor turned his head and looked around him, everywhere but at Loki, and Loki swallowed hard, wondering if Thor was going to answer, wishing now that he hadn't asked again because probably he didn't want to know the answer.
Finally, though, Thor's gaze fell back on Loki. "I think they should have let you do it over again, without the magic, right away. I mean…I think it seems pretty common-sense, but…it's not your fault you didn't know all the rules."
Loki nodded, though it hurt. Thor's answer, it was clear, was no, he didn't think Loki should have passed. Maybe he's right, Loki thought, entertaining the possibility for the first time that he'd been in the wrong. He's a natural at all this. He's never had to do anything extra to be so strong, and so good in battle. Maybe when it comes to the Trials he knows best…
"So, what time does it start tomorrow? The hearing of the petition?" Thor asked a minute or two later, fidgeting in his seat.
"Ten o'clock," Loki answered quietly.
"All right," he said with a nod. "I guess I should let you go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
Loki nodded, watching as Thor stood and hefted Mjolnir from where it had rested next to the sofa. His brother had already reached the door when suddenly a thought occurred to him. "Wait, Thor," he called, and Thor stopped with his hand on the door handle and turned. "Did you mean…"
"What?"
"When you said you'd see me tomorrow…"
"I'll be there, Brother. Ten o'clock," Thor said with a nod and a smile.
Loki's face broke into a wide grin and he wanted to launch himself off the sofa and throw his arms around his brother, but for some reason he stayed where he was. "I'll see you then," he said.
Thor raised Mjolnir to chest-height and made a little hammering motion at him as he grinned back at Loki, then opened the door and left.
/
See? Very much not abandoned. Just lots of stuff getting in the way. Next up, the second "trial" of the story. Or the third if you count the metaphorical one! If anyone's still reading this...hope you enjoy it. ;-)