I'm sorry it took a while. My USB and I played hide and seek and I was the it. It took me a long time before I was able to find my USB. Thanks for the new reviews :D keep it coming guys! I really love it when someone reviews my work. Creative criticism works too :D Once again, I'm really sorry.
I kept silent the whole time while the audience and practically everybody else soaked in what I just said. It was hard not to look at the camera to see Katniss' expression but I managed not to look. In fact I didn't look anywhere except the floor. I wonder what's going on inside her head right now. I can't imagine what her reaction is going to be. She can be a little unpredictable at times. Will she hate me so much she won't talk to me ever again? Or would she confess her love to me? Will she tell me she has liked me since the time I gave her burnt bread? I know the last 2 was out of the question. My fantasies will remain just that. Fantasies. I can sense a bitterness in my mind. It doesn't matter now. I told Katniss I love her. Whether I die or not in the Games at least she knows how I feel. Caesar's voice brings me back to my present situation.
"Oh that is a piece of bad luck" he says
"It's not good" I agreed
"Well, I don't think any of us can blame you. It'd be hard not to fall for that young lady." He said "She didn't know?"
I shook my head and answered "Not until now"
"Wouldn't you love to pull her back out here and get a response?" Caesar asked the audience. No. I don't want to make a bigger fool of myself. I can't believe I trusted Haymitch to make me do this. I couldn't confess to her when we're alone. How was he able to make me do this in front of PANEM? Obviously the crowd disagrees with me. I bet they'd love to get Katniss' response. It's just what I needed. To be rejected before going to the bloodbath tomorrow. What's weird is that I have never even thought of the Games. Just now. I guess it never occurred to me that there's a possibility I'd be dead by this time tomorrow.
"Sadly, rules are rules, and Katniss Everdeen's time has been spent. Well, best luck to you, Peeta Mellark, and I think I speak for all the people in Panem when I say our hearts go with yours." He says.
"Thank you" I said quietly and walked back to my place beside Katniss. I barely notice the playing. I'm sure I lifted my head to show respect but my mind wasn't anywhere near the anthem at all. I'm bracing myself for rejection and humiliation. I hope Portia won't rub it in that Katniss doesn't like me. Although I know Portia isn't that type of person but you can't really tell since I've only known her for a few days. I barely know her, in fact. I don't even know her last name.
We all head to the elevator to go back to our rooms. I got separated from Katniss and went up the elevator with Rue, District 3 and the boy from District 4. We were silent the whole way. I'm not sure if it's because they don't know what to say or because they're not as talkative as I am. Just when we passed 8th floor, Rue looked at me and smiled. I don't really know why. Before I could ask, she's already going out of the elevator.
The elevator opened and ,just as I was about to make my second step, I was suddenly pushed with too much force. I lost my balance and cut my hands as soon as I hit the ground. I looked up bewildered and saw Katniss' angry face above mine.
"What was that for?" I asked in a mixture of horror and amazement. Does she hate me so much that she wanted to push be back into the elevator and cut my head off? If it is good thing I missed and fell on a vase of some sort. I'm amazed by her whole look. She looks like she has fire as a background and not the lush walls of the floor. Girl on fire strikes again.
"You had no right! No right to go saying those things about me" she screamed at me. No right with what? Confessing my feelings for her? Would Gale be angry at her if someone else confesses to her? Was it my fault that she was hard to resist? Was it my fault I fell in love with her? I've tried. So hard. Not to fall in love with her. Did she really think I could stop it easily? If I wasn't able to stop it 11 years ago what makes her think I'll be able to stop it now? Did she think that I haven't tried to stop it? I have. Multiple times. It just kept coming back. I've dated the nicest girls and still nothing happened. My mind would drift off. After a few minutes in our date, I'd start thinking about what it would be like if Katniss was the one with me. It's so hard. She can't blame me for that.
The elevator opened and the rest of our team was there. Cinna, Portia, Haymitch and Effie.
"What's going on?" Effie demanded slightly hysterical. "Did you fall?"
"After she shoved me" I answered as Cinna and Effie helped me up.
Haymitch turned to Katniss. "Shoved him?"
"This was your idea, wasn't it? Turning me into some kind of fool in front of the entire country?" she told Haymitch. That's what she thought. My love for her was something that'll make me foolish. I'd like to be a man and say it was ok and there are other fish in the sea but it hurt. It hurts. I feel like she just pierced my heart with a dagger and digging it in slowly. My love is a joke to her. It made her feel foolish.
"It was idea. Haymitch helped me with it" I told her while trying to remove the bits of clay from my hand. It was technically my fault since I told Haymitch of my feelings for her. Although, it wasn't his fault I foolishly told the whole country of my unrequited love for her. I shouldn't have agreed to this strategy but it's my only way of getting into the Career's group. They'll use me to bait Katniss to come out of wherever she's hiding once we're in the Games. I plan to lead them away from her of course.
"Yes, Haymitch is very helpful. To you!" she said angrily. By this point I'm not sure she's angrier at. Me or Haymitch? It doesn't really matter since either way she's still angry at us.
"You are a fool" Haymitch says. He's not exactly helpful when it comes to calming Katniss down. "Do you think he hurt you? That boy just gave you something you could never achieve on your own"
"He made me look weak!" she said defiantly.
"He made you look desirable! And let's face it, you can use all the help you can get in that department. You were about as romantic as dirt until he said he wanted you. Now they all do. You're all they're talking about. The star-crossed lovers from District 12!" he said.
"But we're not star-crossed lovers!" she insisted. Ouch. What a way to tell me she doesn't like me. I guess when you're angry you say things you don't mean. Wait. Who am I kidding? Not myself. No one actually. It's not like there was a small chance that she might like me too. In fact, she never liked me. I'm the only one who actually felt something about the other that isn't negative. And to be fair, it's not like she encouraged me.
Haymitch grabs Katniss and pins her on the wall. As much as I appreciate Haymitch for explaining it to Katniss, he doesn't need to be abusive. If he becomes worse, Katniss won't be the only one who'll be abused. I'll make sure of it.
"Who cares? It's all a big show. It's all how you're perceived. The most I could say about you after your interview was that you were nice enough, although that in itself was a small miracle. Now I can say you're a heartbreaker. Oh, oh, oh how the boys back home fall longingly at your feet. Which do you think will get you more sponsors?" he said to her
Katniss shakes his hands off her and steps away. Cinna goes to her side, puts his arm around her shoulders and says
"He's right, Katniss"
"I should have been told, so I didn't look so stupid." She said
"No, you're reaction was perfect. If you'd known, it wouldn't have read as real" Portia says. I forgot she was there. She was weirdly quiet.
"She's just worried about her boyfriend" I said trying to hide the bitterness in my voice while picking out the bits on my hands. I looked at Katniss and saw her blushing.
"I don't have a boyfriend" she said almost defiantly.
"Whatever" I said. "But I bet he's smart enough to know a bluff when he sees it. Besides you didn't say you loved me. So what does it matter?" It's hard to reassure her about Gale when my emotions are being crushed at the same time. I know that she likes Gale. I know that he likes her too. So why am I pushing myself to make her like me when it's so obvious that she hates me. I feel like no matter how hard I try I'm going to be heartbroken anyway.
I looked at Katniss and saw her in deep thought. I guess it worked but somehow I felt more bitter than usual in this situation. It's like she's rubbing it on my face that she doesn't like me. Unconscious or not it still hurts. I'll just have to deal with it. I'm going to die anyway. I'll make the most of my life with or without her since I only have a few weeks left. A couple of months at most. It's hard to say when you're in the Games. At least I'll die knowing that she knows how I feel about her.
Katniss brought me out of my mind when she suddenly asked
"After he said he loved me, did you think I could be in love with him too?"
Portia glanced at me and said "I did. The way you avoided looking at the cameras, the blush"
The others started agreeing with Portia. As if to cue them to stop agreeing, the scent of mouthwatering food wafted to our area and made them stop talking and without another word head to the dining room. I was about to join them until I remembered my injury. I stopped so suddenly that Portia came out of her trance and led me to where the first aid kit is kept.
We didn't talk on the way to the supply cupboard but once we sat down on the sofa and she started treating me arm our conversation started.
"So, Peeta" she started. I'm not really sure where she's going to start so I just replied
"Yes Portia?"
"You finally told her" she said with a gleam in her eyes. I guess she wanted me to confess to Katniss as soon as she was sure I really love Katniss.
"Yes Portia. You were there. Along with the whole population of Panem" I said "I made a fool of myself in front of the whole country."
"BUT YOU STILL CONFESSED!" she said happily. I'm not really sure why she's happy. I mean I got rejected. I'm happy that I told her but I'm not so happy that I got rejected. At least it wasn't in front of the whole country.
"I confessed as part of the strategy I worked out with Haymitch" I countered
"So you're saying your feelings are just a part of your oh-so-complicated strategy?" she said
"No!" I said a little defensively "my feelings are real but then again so is my rejection" that bitterness again! Why can't I keep it to myself?
"It's okay, Peeta. What's important is that you told her. Sure along with the people of Panem but at least it's out." She said to me
"I know Portia. I guess I knew I would be rejected. After all I've never said a word to her even before the Games started." I said to her
"YOU NEVER SAID A WORD TO HER?" she looked so shocked her face screams surprise.
"Not I single one. Every time I try I lose my train of thought or back out before I could make a step towards her direction." I explained
"Then how were you able to fall in love with her? Don't tell me you're one of those guys who like girls by their looks. Don't get me wrong Katniss is gorgeous but I thought you're more than those typical guys" she said.
"I'm not! I heard her sing on our first day of school. Her voice was so amazing that all the birds stopped singing and listened. Her dad was the same. After that I became so in love with her I notice everything she does. I don't mean to sound stalker-like but I didn't follow her home or anything like that" I said
"First day of school. Which first day? You get first days every year" she said
"The first day of school when I was only 5" I said in a quiet voice, looking away from Portia. I looked at Portia and saw her eyes popping out of her eyes. Finally she turned them back to normal size and looked at me with a soft expression.
"That long. It's been that long" she said almost as if she was saying it to herself.
I looked down and saw my hands are wrapped in bandages. I didn't notice she was finished treating my hands. Portia started to talk to me again.
"You've loved her for so long. Why didn't you tell her before?" she said almost in a whisper.
"I didn't have the guts to say it before. Before I couldn't make my foot move a step closer to her. I sometimes stare at her on her way inside the classroom but that's as near as it's going to get." I said in the same volume.
"If you didn't love her so much I would hate her. You're the nicest guy I've ever met. You have one of the purest feelings and for a guy that's hard to come by" she said to me "come on, stand up. We have to join the others for dinner. I don't know about you but all this stressful love drama is making me hungry"
"You're stressed? What did you do besides laugh at my humiliation?" I said to her as we stood up.
We were quiet on the way to dining room. When we entered the dining room, the others have just finished the soup course. Portia and I sat down while the Avoxes placed the 2nd course. We didn't talk much throughout the whole meal. Just a few random comments every now and then. After dinner, we headed towards the sitting room where we watched the replay of the interview. Katniss was charming and breathtaking. I was a romantic good guy. I did well, I just hope it's enough to get me and Katniss tons of sponsors. During the session, I told Haymitch that I want to give all the gifts from my sponsors, assuming I have sponsors , to Katniss. Haymitch said he would give some but he has to send some to me or else the sponsors will get suspicious.
I didn't notice the anthem has finished playing and the tv set was turned off. I got up from my seat and went to Effie. She clasped my hand, as well as Katniss', with tears in her eyes and told us that we've best tributes she's ever had, good luck in the arena and that she might get promoted to a better district next year. It's a typical Effie thing to say but she is Effie. She kisses us both on the cheeks and hurries out as if she doesn't want us to see her crying. I didn't notice that Cinna and Portia left as soon as the tv was off until Haymitch stood in front of us, crossed his arms and looked at us.
"Any final words of advice?" I asked him
"When the gong sound, get the hell out of there. Neither of you are up for the blood bath at the Cornucopia. Just clear out, put as much distance as you can between yourselves and the others, and find a source of water" he said to us. "Got it?"
"and after that?" Katniss asked expectantly.
"Stay alive" he says. Somehow that single line added another heavy layer on my back. Reality soaked back in like a water on sponge. All the mouthwatering food, the luxurious and comfortable room, the best bathroom became bubbles. One by one popping into thin air.
Katniss and Haymitch left without another word even when we met Portia and Cinna outside the room. I talked with Portia for a bit but I don't really know what we talked about. I guess I spaced out or wasn't really paying attention. Maybe Portia noticed that too, that's why she told me to get some sleep. I walked towards my room and flung all my clothes off. I walked inside the bathroom and took a really long bath. This might be the last time I will be clean again so I might as well make the most of it.
After about 20 minutes of sitting in the foamy warm water, I knew I was never going to relax so I got up and dried myself. Put on some clothes and a robe and went out of my room. I'm sure I won't be able to sleep so why bother lying down? I'm not really sure what I'm wearing I didn't really care as long as I'm wearing it correctly and I have a complete set and not left anything out. I didn't really know where I was going until I found myself going up the stairs.
I went up the roof and sat down facing the city. The streets are full of life and excitement. It's very noisy so it could probably distract me from my thoughts. It didn't work. I still kept thinking.
I know I'm not a contender for the Games. I'm pretty sure I don't have survival skills. I can't hunt, attack or kill. I can't climb anything. I can't swim. Although there is one thing I'm sure of, I can't give up. I'll use every fiber of my being to make sure Katniss is the one who wins. To make sure she's the one going home alive and happy. She deserves it more than anyone else in the whole competition. She has something to go back to. I don't. My friends and family will be sad but they'll get over it. Katniss is the only one I care about and if she goes home happy and victorious then I'm content with dying. I'm afraid to die. Almost everyone is but It's unavoidable. I just hope that when I die, I'll die as myself. I'll die as Peeta Mellark. I'll die knowing the girl I love the most will get the life she deserves and be content. I won't die as a killer who kill for the fun of it. I won't die as an uncivilized monster that strangles people in their sleep. No! I will die as Peeta Mellark, the one who gave his life for someone he loves the most. Someone worth fighting and dying for. Someone named Katniss Everdeen.
"You should be getting some sleep." Katniss suddenly says. i admit I jumped a little. I didn't know she was there. I didn't look at her though I kept my eyes at the noisy street below. I gave a slight shake in my head.
"I didn't want to miss the party. It's for us after all" I said to her. She walked to my right and leaned against the railing.
"Are they in costumes?" she asked me
"Who could tell? With all the crazy clothes they wear here. Couldn't sleep either?" I asked her.
"Couldn't turn my mind off" she said. Why? Maybe she's thinking about home. Maybe she's thinking about Prim and her mom and Ga….
"Thinking about your family?" I guessed.
"No. All I can do is wonder about tomorrow. Which is pointless, of course" she said. That's true. Since they won't show us what we're facing tomorrow. She must have looked at my hands because she suddenly said "I really am sorry about your hands"
"It doesn't matter, Katniss, I've never been a contender in these Games anyway" I said
"That's no way to be thinking" she said to me
"Why not? It's true. My best hope is not to disgrace myself and …" I unintentionally trail off.
"And what?" she asked me
"I don't know how to say it exactly. Only … I want to die as myself. Does that make sense?" I ask her
She shook her head looking confused.
"I don't want them to change me in there" I tried to explain "Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not"
She bit her lip looking a bit guilty before asking "Do you mean you won't kill anyone?"
"No, when the time comes, I'm sure I'll kill just like everybody else. I can't go down without a fight. Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to… to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece of the Games" I said
"But you're not. None of us are. That's how the Games work" she reassured me
"Okay, but within that framework, there's still you and there's still me. Don't you see?" I tried to explain unsuccessfully.
"A little" she said "Only… no offense but who cares Peeta?"
"I do. I mean, what else am I allowed to care about at this point?" I said angrily to her unintentionally locking my eyes into hers. She took a step back before answering
"Care about what Haymitch said. About staying alive" as much as I find this touching that she doesn't want me to give up. I found it exceptionally stupid. I'm not a contender at the Games. I have no chance of winning.
I smiled at her sarcastically before saying "Okay. Thanks for the tip sweetheart" I didn't mean to let the "sweetheart" slip it just did. It must have offended her or something because she looked really pissed off.
"Look, if you want to spend the last hours of your life planning some noble death in the arena, that's your choice. I want to spend mine in District 12" she spat to me angrily.
"Wouldn't surprise me if you do, Give my mother my best when you make it back, will you?" I said to her. The latter, of course, is an inside joke. I highly doubt my mother would care if I die with manners or not. Maybe she would but you'd never know.
"Count on it." She said to me before going back downstairs.
I'm left alone on the rooftop again. I stayed for a couple more minutes before going down to my room. I lay down on my bed and tried to sleep. Every now and then I would wake up and think about Katniss and the Games. I was half asleep when Portia woke me up. She made me stand up and wear a cotton shirt and some jeans. Once I'm dressed we go up to the roof and a hovercraft appears out of thin air. I put my hands on the ladder they drop and my whole body instantly froze. As if someone paralyzed me, only I'm aware of what's happening. A person comes to me with a syringe, he or she told me that the tracker for the tributes should be injected into my arm and that I need to be still. Considering my whole body paralyzed they won't have any problem of me not being still. Portia and I ride the hovercraft, not talking at all, all the way to the launch room. I didn't eat much. Just a roll and some coffee. I'm going to need all the energy I could get since I didn't sleep much last night. The clothes arrived and Portia helped me dress up. The only garment that caught our attention was the thigh length jacket. Portia felt the fabric and told me it reflects heat so I should expect cold winds and etc. I drank more water because I noticed that most tributes die when they're dehydrated. Finally a female voice breaks the silence of the room and tells us to step onto the metal platform.
Portia hugs me and says "I'm rooting for you, Peeta. You're the best tribute I've ever handled"
I chuckle before saying "I'm the first tribute you've ever handled."
Portia says "If I had any money for sponsorship I'd sponsor you. If I'm allowed, being a stylist does have its downfalls"
"I appreciate it but If you're allowed I want you to give it to Katniss. She has a better chance of going out of that hellhole alive" I said
"Katniss is stupid to not know you better. Chin up, you need to look confident" She told me
I lifted my chin a fraction just in time before the platform rises. And then I hear it. Claudius Templesmith's booming voice saying that phrase that starts our destiny. The tribute's destiny.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, let the 74th Hunger Games begin"