Chapter 10

Hello. I am back – I would apologise for the wait between chapters but I did warn you and I had the best summer of my life so I'm not too apologetic. I know so many of you are sick of Elena and her wimpy personality – believe me, I'm sick of writing it and so many times, especially in this chapter and the previous one I wanted to delete it all and start again but that would require changing much of the later chapters.

Just hang in there – Elena will grow a pair soon.

Love, Jessica.

Taylor Swift – All Too Well
Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much.
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'till you tore it all up.
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well.

"Elena!" a loud bang revived me from my drunken slumber and the sudden awakening caused me to tumble from the couch onto the floor with a loud crash. Following that, the bottle on the coffee table rolled over the edge and smashed into pieces all over my hand.
"Owwwwww." I couldn't help my pathetic whimper, loud enough to temporary halt the ruckus taking place at my door.
"'Lena?" It was Caroline. Not surprising that she'd came to check up on me, she'd been constantly ringing my phone, probably to find out why I had been skipping work all week.
"Care, I love you but not today." My voice was croaky and I realised it was the first I'd spoken in nearly a week. These past 5 days had been a strange cycle of waking up drunk and drinking more to help me fall back asleep. Sleeping tablets had become my best friend and I couldn't remember the last time I ate.
"Elena Gilbert. Open this door right now or I will break it down."
"Try it." I taunted.
Moments later, I heard not the sound of her trying to break it down but the sound of a key turning in the lock and in she came.
"What the hell?" The brightness from the hallway juxtaposed with the pitch blackness of my apartment blinded me temporarily.
"I thought I'd let you salvage your dignity first but you didn't take me up on it. Your landlord gave me a key. Apparently he was worried about the smell." She sniffed. "I can see why. You're a mess. What have you done to your hand?"
"Caroline," I groaned. "Go away."
"No." She wandered into the next room and I could hear the shower being switched on. A moment later, she came back with a cloth for my hand. "I've let you wallow for a week. He's a fucking boy, get a grip."
Harsh but true. Still, it didn't help.
"He wasn't just a boy, Care. He was the boy, and he doesn't fucking care."
"If he was the boy, he would care. Simple. Get a shower."
"Go away," I growled, reaching for one of the many glasses that had some sort of alcohol in it.
"Get in the fucking shower or I will drag you there myself." She threatened, snatching the glass from my hand.
I stared at her, believing all she contained were empty threats. That was something I lived to regret. Grabbing me by the arms, she yanked me up and dragged me into the toilet and threw me - fully clothed - into the shower. She was surprisingly strong.
"We can do it the easy way or the hard way, Elena but either way, you will take a shower and you will get dressed. Now, what will it be?"

In the end, I chose to take a shower on my own accord and put on fresh jeans and a shirt. When I emerged from my room an hour later, Caroline had cleaned my apartment and opened a window. The place looked semi-normal again. In the kitchen all traces of alcohol seemed to be disintegrated and the only thing on the table was a glass of water and two aspirin.
"Much better." Caroline came in behind me.
"Ok, I'm up, I'm ready. Now what?"
"Now we get out of this apartment. Fresh air is key. And we talk. Really talk, I mean."
"Care, I don't want to talk."
"Not an excuse anymore. I've given you your privacy because I didn't want to seem nosey but now your health is at stake and you will talk to me."

Half an hour later, we were sitting in Costa; Caroline with a latte and me with a cheese toastie she'd insisted I have. The smell of cheese made me want to be sick and the bread was too heavy for my undernourished stomach but she wouldn't leave me be until I ate at least half of it. We compromised at a couple of small bites.
"So." She eventually said. "tell me. And no bullshit. Go."
So I told her. Everything – and I mean everything. From the first time we met up to the present day when he proved he had never cared in the first place. When I finished I was in tears and she gave me a hug. "He's a dick." was all she said.
"A huge dick."
"I hate what he's done to you and I hate that it took you this long to tell me about it."
"I don't know what to do Care," I started crying. "I love him."
"No you don't," She sighed. "You can't love someone who treats you like that."
"I can't help it,"
"Elena, you need to move on." She said as if it was the simplest thing in the world. I opened my mouth to speak but she cut me off. "And I don't mean you avoid him until he goes back home and spend the rest of your life wallowing in self-pity and wondering if you'll ever see him again because that's not moving on, that's hiding. You've been hiding for nearly two years, it's time to confront him."
"And say what?"
"Give him hell, babe. Give him hell for the way he's treated you – and believe it. Believe that when you call him a dick that he's a dick, believe that when you say you fucking hate him that it's true. Make him pay. He deserves it."
"I don't know if I can do that, Care," I covered my face with my hands. "When I saw him all these feelings came rushing back, I don't know how I'm going to ever face him again."
Caroline looked as if she was getting tired. "Elena, he doesn't deserve you. He ruined your life."
"No, he is my life."
Caroline looked disgusted at me for even suggesting such a thing. "That's embarrassing."
"It's the truth."
"Oh Elena," Caroline's eyes filled with tears as she spoke. "He doesn't care, darling. He doesn't love you the way you love him. He isn't sitting in his hotel room crying because you rejected him and he doesn't think about you anymore, if he wanted you in his life, he would have tried. He doesn't love you, Elena. I'm so sorry."
Now I was full on balling because they were words that I never wanted to hear in a million years. Even though I knew it was true, even though Damon had demonstrated at every turn that he didn't love me, didn't want me, I was still desperately clinging on to the idea that one day he would realise I was the one for him. Caroline had just shattered that hope.

She saw me crying and rushed to speak. "I know that's horrible to say out loud and I know you might not think it's my place but remember that boyfriend I told you about who ruined my life? His name was Kai, he was my high school sweetheart. My mum hated him, of course. He was completely gorgeous but a complete control-freak; he wanted me to give him everything whilst he cheated on me every weekend. Turned me into a paranoid wreck. I wish I had a friend to tell me the harsh truth, instead my friends all avoided the question and every time he texted me something cute after we'd split up, they'd let me go back with him. It ruined my last year of high school and he's the reason I dropped out of university after only a few months – he said I wasn't seeing him enough. Thankfully, after we split up for good I was able to reapply and get back in."
"I just, I just thought I was different," I cried. "I thought we were different."
"Everyone always thinks they're different but no one is. There's the rule and the exception and we're the rule babe."
"Ok, Care," I didn't think I could hear anymore.
"I know you don't want to hear this, 'Lena." She was crying with me now. "But if I don't tell you it now, I'm scared no-one ever will."

x-x-x-x-x

I cried all night thinking about Caroline's words because as much as I wanted to, I couldn't be mad at her for what she'd said. What she'd said was harsh and ruthless but it was still the truth. And I knew I needed to hear it, I knew if she hadn't said it no-one ever would have and I'd probably still be 80 and in love with Damon Salvatore. I woke up in the early hours of the morning and went out a long run. Then I finished the tidying Caroline had started yesterday only this time, I gutted out my entire apartment throwing out all traces of a girl with a sad past. When 3 o'clock came and it was time to start my shift, the place was unrecognisable.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Walking through the back door to work, you would genuinely have thought I'd punched my boss in the face. He was absolutely furious with my behaviour and refused to acknowledge my apologies and excuses. I think the only reason I managed to keep my job was because someone came running through the back begging for more staff and he just growled at me to "do my fucking job". That was going to be hard when the first person I encountered upon leaving the staff room was Damon.
"Elena," he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw me; I had a feeling this had been a daily occurrence and wondered why Caroline hadn't bothered to tell me.
"I'm working Damon." I tapped my foot.
"I know, this'll just take a minute though. Do you have a minute?"
"I really don't, I'm sorry. I'm already in deep shit." I was too wired from being shouted at to really overthink Damon's presence there.
"I'll wait." He said, simply. "Could I get a menu?"
I got another waitress to serve him because I couldn't face it but when my break came exactly 2 hours and 2 minutes later, he was still there and I joined him to find he'd ordered me a ham salad. "Sorry it's quite a shit meal," he was sheepish. "I didn't know when your break would be and I wanted something that wouldn't go cold."
I just nodded absentmindedly, feeling slightly awkward when one of the waitresses brought over the pasta dish that I'd ordered specifically for my break. "Sorry," I murmured as I chewed my food. "It's my usual for every shift."
"No it's okay," he replied seemingly cool though I could see a slight blush in his cheeks. "I just forget stuff like this is your everyday life, it still doesn't seem real."
"Yeah."
There was a long pause and I could see him struggling for how to continue. "You know," he pulled something out his pocket with an abrupt change of tone. "I found this the other day on my laptop when I synched my phone up and printed it out, cute isn't it?"
It was a photograph of us that day we went to the movies and then for dinner. I remember Elle had insisted on taking it. We looked so happy, so carefree… so young. The last day I remember everything felt right. When I looked at the photo now though, I couldn't help but think about how alien it felt to me. How strange it was that we could ever have been that happy when I looked at how we were now. But there was no bitterness there, only nostalgia tinged with sadness.

Not that I could say any of this to him so I said the only thing I deemed appropriate in the five second delay. "God, look at my hair."
His face fell, clearly he thought this would stir some visible emotion within me. Didn't he know I had years of practice mastering the art of pretending not to care?
"Anyway, I need to get back to work. Please don't feel obligated to stay any longer."
"No, I want to."
"Damon, that wasn't a suggestion. Go home."

When I came back out from the staff room, he was gone.
It hit me then, how much I missed him, how much I wanted him to be there. Even though I'd told him to go, my heart ached for him to stay. I'd been away for two years and in that time I'd convinced myself I didn't miss him anymore and the dull ache inside of me was perfectly normal and just part of the healing process. I'd convinced myself I was over him but the funny thing about that is it's easy to say you're over someone if you aren't seeing them. The challenge is to look them in the eye and see their smile and hear their voice and still be able to say "this is not what I want anymore." I didn't know if I'd ever be able to say that to Damon.