How to Woo a Single Parent
Chapter 10
September 2047
. . . . .
"Mom, is Chris going to start living with us?"
Ashley's head snapped up. "What?"
Bryce dug his toe into the ground, twisting it against the tile of the kitchen. It was Saturday in September and Chris had gone home for laundry day. Ashley hadn't thought anything of it, not that she'd ever thought about it before.
"Well he's here all the time," her son said. "And he stays the night."
Ashley swallowed. She couldn't deny the truth, could she? Chris had been staying the night, every night. She wasn't exactly sure when that had happened, when they'd slid into such an easy pattern. And she'd given him a key not three weeks ago. He'd run Bryce to school everyday except his first. God, they even did grocery runs together.
When had he entrenched himself?
Her heart jumped, speeding in her chest. She was comfortable, she realized. Perfectly and absolutely comfortable. Happy. And Bryce was happy, she knew that.
She cleared her throat. "No, honey."
Oh God, she hoped Bryce didn't hear the tremor in her voice.
He shuffled around the island where she had her laptop open, files spread around her. "Why not?"
"Why not what?"
Bryce shot her a terrifyingly mature look that screamed his exasperation. "Why doesn't he live with us?"
"We haven't asked him."
"I have," Bryce argued petulantly, yanking himself up on one of the taller island chairs. "He says you have to ask."
Ashley's blood went cold. "You what?"
Her son looked up in alarm and Ashley forced herself to swallow. He didn't know, she reminded herself. He had no idea. He was doing what he wanted, asking like any child asked.
"Why did you ask him that, honey?"
"Because that's what people do when they love each other," he answered, drawing random patterns on the countertop. "They move in together and get married and stuff."
Oh God.
Oh dear God.
"What has Chris been saying to you?"
Bryce's eyes widened. "Nothing."
"Bryce."
"Nothing!" he exclaimed, face distressed. "He hasn't said anything, Mommy. Honest. Don't get mad at him."
"Well someone's been talking because you just asked me why Chris hasn't moved in. So who told you?"
"You did," he replied, tears in his eyes. "You always tell me that people shouldn't get married if they don't live together first and that people who love each other sometimes live together without getting married. And Chris is always here and he has dinner with us and takes us places and we see his family and he cuddles with me before bed and plays with my action figures and-"
Oh, now she'd done it. Her own fears were crawling up her throat, the seriousness of her relationship with Chris taking her entirely off-guard and now, on top of it all, she'd made her son cry. And he'd gotten attached to Chris, so, so attached.
"Okay, okay," she said, reaching out to cup his cheek. "I shouldn't have gotten mad at you. You just surprised me."
Bryce just chewed on his lip.
"Look, sweetheart, Chris and I are dating, yes, but that doesn't mean we're going to live together. That doesn't mean we love each other."
Because she didn't love him. She'd been very careful to keep herself from loving him because he'd leave. He'd find someone who was less complicated, with less baggage, without a damn kid – not that she didn't love and adore Bryce with everything in her – and he'd move on. So he couldn't love her because he wasn't in it for the long haul. She'd seen too many marriages fall apart because of those kinds of delusions.
"He's here all the time. He sleeps here."
"I know that, honey, but he has his own apartment. He went home today." She felt vindicated by that argument. He didn't spend all of his time here. He went home. So he wasn't living here.
Even as she thought it she knew it wasn't true. He had a toothbrush, a shaving kit. He kept clothes in her closet, underwear in her dresser and his school files were mixed in with her wedding ones. Even that morning she'd pulled out a lesson plan instead of the menu she'd been looking for.
Oh God.
She felt her breath speed up.
"Mom, you okay?"
"Fine," she replied, swallowing heavily. "Just. Go play in your room, okay?"
Bryce bit his lip.
"Bryce."
He scampered away and Ashley dropped her head to her hands. She'd let him get to close. Much too close. Bryce was attached and he'd moved in and what the hell had he been thinking? Oh, he'd been thinking she wouldn't notice. She hadn't, had she? She'd been too wrapped up in too many other things to pay attention. And he'd taken advantage. He'd totally taken advantage.
And now Bryce thought he was going to live with them.
He wasn't. She knew that. He could do better. He could do with someone who trusted in love, trusted in forever, trusted in people who really cared. And he did, she knew he did, but not like Bryce was thinking. Not forever. Because men didn't want ready-made families. They wanted to build new ones. Even ones that, like Chris, had a family that was a bit more mix-and-match than the normal ones.
That wasn't her. It would never be her.
She'd been deluding herself. She was a mess with baggage and- God, she shouldn't have even started things with him. But Calleigh's words and his family's warmth and how had she even stood a chance? She'd been convinced, for a time, that things would be fine, that she was in control and it took her son to point out she wasn't. That she was letting Chris in too close, too deep. The last time she'd done that, she'd been left utterly and completely alone with a baby growing inside her.
She sucked in a deep breath. She wasn't going to wait this time. She wasn't going to let the other shoe drop. She wasn't going to be blindsided and she wasn't going to let him in any further. She couldn't. Because it would hurt even more when he left and she couldn't keep herself straight and support her son, who already loved Chris so completely. She shouldn't have let it come to this, to the point where her son could see Chris living with them.
Forever was a fairytale.
And Ashley was too grown up to believe in fairytales.
She hardened her heart, saved her document and stood. She'd pack his things, she decided. Pack them into a bag and make him take them home. She'd remind him that this was her choice.
And it wouldn't break her heart.
When Chris unlocked the door, Ashley and Bryce were nowhere in sight. "Hello?"
He got nothing in reply and his brow wrinkled. That was terribly unusual. He made his way through the back hall to the bedroom. Ashley was there, digging through the closet, a box on her bed.
"Are you cleaning your closet?"
She didn't answer for a moment and he dropped his bag. When she emerged from the closet she wasn't carrying her things she was carrying his. "You, uh, have a lot of stuff here. I figured you'd want to take some of it home."
He leaned on the doorframe, an eyebrow climbing his forehead. Something significant was happening and he wasn't quite sure what it was just yet. "Didn't think you minded."
She didn't answer, just moved to the box on the bed. He watched as she packed away his things.
"Ash, what's going on?"
She wouldn't meet his eyes, just stepped back to the closet again. When she brought another armful of clothing to the bed – whoa, he really had accumulated a lot – he reached out to grasp her forearm.
"Talk to me."
"You're not moving in," she blurted.
Chris let go in shock, stepping back. "What?"
"You've got half your closet here, toiletries and… this isn't your house Chris. You have a house. A house of your own."
"So you're kicking me out?" he asked slowly. He couldn't figure out what the hell was going on.
"No. Not… No."
"Then I'm confused."
He let her tug out of his grasp, dropping the pile on the bed and whirling to face him.
"Every single thing you've done you haven't even asked. You just- You popped into my life, you pulled my son into your classroom. You were always there. And you're always here and you've moved your stuff in, bit by bit, like a takeover."
"A takeover?" he asked. "You think I've taken over?"
"I think you've bullied me into every position you want me. You're just always there and you're kind and- what else was I supposed to do? But I didn't sign up for this. I didn't sign up for you."
"You think I did?"
"You wouldn't let go! You knew exactly what you were doing!"
He snorted. "I don't know if you realized this, Ash, but with you, I never know what I'm doing. Because I never know how you're going to react, I never know what you're going to say. One day, I'm getting a hello kiss and the next you're kicking me out. I don't know what to do with you."
"Well that works out perfectly doesn't it?" she said, looking away and starting in on folding his clothes again. "I'm too much work, too complicated, you can't understand me. Perfect reason to just end this now, right?"
He growled. That wasn't what he was saying, she knew it. He knew she knew it. And he had a pretty idea where this was coming from. Something had panicked her. "Why can't you stop looking at me and thinking that I'm going to leave?"
"Because you always do!" she exploded, dropping his clothes and spinning back to him. "It's easy for you, waltzing in and out of people's lives. It's easy for you to walk away. But me? I've got Bryce to think about and he's going to be devastated. There can't be two of us overwrought."
Chris growled. "Are you blind? Ray Charles can see I'm not going anywhere."
"You say that now. But what about a year down the road? Five? Ten?" She laughed bitterly. "Do you know how many weddings I've been at where the marriage falls apart within the first five years? I can tell. The minute I meet the couple, I can tell you how long they'll last."
"So what about us?"
Ashley ran a hand through her hair. "What about us?"
"You're here. Knee deep in this. How long will we last?"
"You can't ask me that."
"No? This entire conversation's been about how damn scared you are, Ash. Are you seriously going to stand there and tell me you haven't thought about it?"
"Two years," she snapped. "We'd last two years, Chris. Maybe three if we fight it out."
That stung. More than that, it outright hurt. She didn't see them lasting more than maybe three years. Seventy-two months. "Then why did you even say yes?"
"Because I'm selfish! Because you're sweet, Chris and kind and you have never treated my son as anything less than a small human with hopes and dreams and feelings. Because you gave up your weekends, your weeknights, your PA days for us and never once complained."
"Because I wanted it too," he shot back. "Did you ever think about that? Did you ever stop for a moment and think that maybe I was doing this, maybe I wanted you, because of all of that?"
"He's not yours."
"Biologically."
"You have no responsibility or obligation to him."
"Because you won't let me." He growled, running his hand through his hair. "What happened, Ash? What the hell happened that you can trust me with your son, you can trust me with you, but somehow you can't trust me with the future? When have I ever let you down?"
"Just because you haven't, doesn't mean you won't."
"Of course not, but I'm telling you that's not going to happen."
"How do you know that?"
He stepped closer, grasping her arms. "Because I'm fighting with you."
"Fighting does the opposite."
"Not like this. You've given me a way out and I could have taken it. I could have walked away twenty minutes ago and told you that no, we're not going to work, we're not going to last because quite obviously you've decided that we won't and, well, who am I to argue with that? But I didn't, did I? I'm right here, fighting with you because you matter. Because he matters." He flung his arm towards the hallway. "Because this matters."
"Not enough."
"You don't know that." His face was absolutely thunderous, his teeth grinding together. She swore she could hear it. "Ashley, I can't tell you how much this matters. I can't explain it in words because I would terrify the hell out of you and I cannot do that. Not right now when you're so spooked. And I won't, I won't put that on you, but if you think, even for a second, I'm willing to just let you go after so long, after so much work, you're insane."
"It won't work."
"It will. It has. It does. Why can't you see that?"
"Because it's not true! Because you're going to find someone prettier, and you're going to find someone who doesn't fight back, who's easy and-"
"The good things are never easy, Ashley. Never ever. I have never loved easy things. I have never loved easy tasks or easy people. They get boring because there's no layers. There's no challenge. There's no changing. But complicated is an entirely different ball of wax. I went into teaching because every year I have to change things. No two classes are alike, they're so far from alike and I get to change every single year.
"And I've dated easy, Ash. I have. It's good for a while, but those aren't the girls you bring home to your mom and dad. They're not the ones that you want to take home. They're the ones you play with and walk away from. Fillers."
"Don't be stupid," she said, pulling out of his grasp. "No body likes complicated."
"That's stupid," he retorts. "Working at complicated is the best part."
But Ashley shook her head and it dawned on Chris that maybe, just maybe, this time he wouldn't be able to convince her. That this time, her insecurities were too strong. It made his stomach clench. He didn't want to cut bait. He wanted to stay, he wanted to fight with her, but he also didn't know what else to do. He couldn't force himself on her. He couldn't make her love him.
Even if he did love her.
"Tell me this was just a lark," he said. "Honest and true, Ash, did you never see forever?"
She met his eyes. "It's just a dream. A girlhood dream. That's all it's ever going to be."
He released a heavy sigh. "I don't want to go. I don't want to end this."
He was giving her a way out now, a chance to just cut ties. With effort she didn't realize she had she swallowed the lump of tears crawling up her throat. This was what she wanted, wasn't it? An easy way out so she wouldn't get hurt when he just up and left.
"It's for the better," she managed to squeeze out. "Better now than later when I-" She forcibly stopped herself, knowing her next words would have been a lie. It wasn't about when she fell in love with him. But she had control. She was doing what she needed to do. It would hurt less if she made the decision than if he did.
He sighed, feeling his heart constrict. He'd hoped for something entirely different. He'd hoped she'd say the same, that this was just a step back. Because if he wasn't honest, he wasn't ready. This hadn't even crossed his mind. He'd never, even for a second, considered she'd ask him to leave. He'd been sure she'd say she didn't want to end it either, that he could talk her into maybe just reevaluating.
He'd thought he could make her believe him.
"Are you sure?" he asked, because he couldn't just walk away. He needed her to say it. "Is this really what you want?"
She forced herself to meet his gaze, forced herself to shove every emotion to the bottom of her stomach. "We don't want the same things," she told him, even as she knew it was a lie. "I don't believe in forever anymore."
"I think you're lying."
"I think you want me to be lying." She was. Of course she was, but she had her priorities. She was too used to it all and that was dangerous.
His eyes lost all the tenderness, all the pleading, all the feeling. His heart was shutting down, protecting itself. "Okay," he said, voice flat. "I'll-" He swallowed thickly. "I'll pack up my Bryce in his room?"
Ashley swallowed. "Yes."
"Get him out of here," Chris requested. "He doesn't need to see this. I'll lock up behind me, leave the key in your mailbox."
He didn't need to see Chris leave.
Ashley swallowed and scooted by him. God, she didn't want to be here either. She didn't want to watch him packing his things.
"For what it's worth?" he spoke up, but kept his back to her. "Not that I really think it'll mean anything to you now, but I have to tell you. You have to know."
Ashley closed her eyes.
"I'm sure you know already, but it still bears saying. I love you, Ashley. And Bryce."
Her breath shook as she released it. "I'm sorry."
She could feel the sadness, the ending, settle in the room, an oppressive feeling keeping her from breathing normally. He was giving up. She'd made him give up.
She heard him sigh. "Me too."
I'M SO SORRY!
Really. Because this probably blindsided you and It hurt me to write it and I'm sorry if it hurt you to read it and everything like that.
Also though, those of you who know me know that, well it's not so bad. It can't be that bad. For those of you who don't know me, well... I don't know what to tell you. I will tell you this, this isn't the end, yeah?
Thank you for reading!