Harry Potter Year 4: Voldermort Returns
Chapter 9
Warning: This chapter contains self-harm. If you're uncomfortable reading this, I strongly suggest you skip this chapter.
"It's Sirius' first lesson today," Harry grinned.
"Di' 'e 'ay wha' it' gonna be li'e?" Ron asked through a mouthful of food.
"Did he say what it's going to be like?" Hermione translated at Harry's blank look, giving Ron a look of disgust.
"Nah, he didn't want to talk about it much," Harry shook his head. "I don't know what he's so worried about, though. He's a brilliant teacher – I wouldn't be half as good at fighting as I am without the help he gave me during the Summer."
"Well, we have him tomorrow," Hermione said as she started buttering her toast. "Then we can see what he's like – I'm sure Harry's right, though, and he has nothing to worry about - "
" – I can see why you enjoyed it so much, Moony," Sirius grinned later that night when Harry had gone to ask how Sirius' day was.
"You obviously haven't taught any Slytherins yet, then," Harry said with a raised eyebrow.
"Or Fred and George," Remus said with a hint of amusement colouring his voice.
"Stop it!" Sirius mock scowled. "Are you trying to make me regret my choice? I'm forcing myself to enjoy it here!"
"You're right," Harry said, putting on an enthusiastic voice. "Teaching is just the best – don't you agree, Moony?"
"Of course," Remus nodded, trying desperately to hide a smile. "Teaching was one of the best things I ever had the chance to do."
"Oh shut it, you two," Sirius scowled again. "You know," he said lightly, turning to Harry. "I'd be nice to me if I were you, or I just might find a certain long essay that needs written for homework."
"You wouldn't!" Harry gasped, horrified. Sirius managed to keep a stern face for all of three seconds before he burst into laughter.
"Nah, I wouldn't," Sirius agreed as he ruffled Harry's hair.
"You'd best get back, cub," Remus said, somewhat regretfully. "It's nearly curfew."
"Okay," came Harry's slightly muffled voice as Sirius pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. "I'll see you tomorrow, then?" he grinned, walking over so Remus would give him a similar hug.
"Don't even start," Sirius warned good-naturedly. "I could always change my mind about the homework."
"No you couldn't," Harry gave Sirius an angelic smile before heading back to Gryffindor Tower.
"Well?" Ron asked with a grin when Harry returned.
"'Well' what?" Harry asked, hiding a grin as he gave Ron a blank look.
"Don't be a prat," Ron punched him lightly on the shoulder as Harry sat down beside him at the table. Divination homework, great.
"He wouldn't say," Harry shrugged, digging through his bag for his quill. "Ow!" he cried out in surprise, bringing his hand out to find blood dripping out a cut.
"How'd you manage that?" Ron asked, eyeing the cut nervously.
"Damn quill must have broken," Harry muttered, trying desperately to push away the dark memories threatening to surface. No! I haven't… not since Summer… I can't think about that now –
"Hello?" Ron snapped his fingers, bringing Harry back to the present. "You could go to Madam Pomfrey. It doesn't look too deep, but you've gone rather pale - "
"I'm fine," Harry said in a forced, calm voice. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
"Get a bandage at least, then," Ron said, a trace of concern still lingering on his freckly face.
"Yeah, a bandage," Harry nodded distractedly and headed up to their dormitory where he knew he had a bag of bandages.
Closing the door softly behind him, Harry dropped onto his bed and stared at his hand with distant eyes. Amazing how such a small thing can bring up so many powerful memories. Already he was itching to feel the familiar sensation of a sharp quill scratching across his leg, burning away all his worries and stress. Actually, I'm surprised I managed to hold out this long. I haven't felt this stressed in a long time. Harry chewed his bottom lip as he moved to kneel on the floor, searching through his trunk for his bandages. Now that the memories had been brought to the surface, he didn't know how he was going to cope.
"What took you so long?" Ron asked when Harry finally came back down. "I was about to come get you – are you sure you're alright? Was the quill dirty or something? You really don't look good."
"Ron's right," Hermione said gently, having now joined Ron at the table. "You look sort of sick."
"I cut my hand on a quill," Harry said, rolling his eyes. "You don't have to make such a big fuss." The two Gryffindors glanced at each other but each opted to hold their tongues, knowing Harry wouldn't appreciate their opinions. Biting his tongue in irritation, Harry plonked himself heavily down in the chair he'd been sitting in before and, after raking through his bag to find a quill that wasn't broken, started on his Divination homework.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Thankfully Ron and Hermione had decided to drop the subject of the broken quill the next morning, Ron preferring to talk about their upcoming Defence lesson with Sirius.
"I mean, a Marauder teaching us - "
"You had a Marauder teaching you last year, too, Ron," Harry told his friend with an amused voice.
"Yeah, but Remus was more…"
"Sensible?" Harry suggested, grinning when Ron nodded. "He acts it a lot, yeah, but when he gets going I'd almost say he's worse than Sirius…" Harry trailed off with a shrug. "I think we can expect Sirius to try and make the lessons fun, but he won't go any easier on us. He still has to make sure we cover all the work." It was hard not to laugh at Rons slightly disappointed look.
Before Defence Against the Dark Arts they had to go to Charms, which seemed to take far longer than usual due to the simple fact that everyone was eager to see what Sirius' class would be like. Flitwick seemed to realize this and ended up letting them practice simpler charms like Wingardium Leviosa which required little concentration.
When the time for their Defence Against the Dark Arts class arrived Harry, Ron and Hermione were the first to enter the classroom. Sirius, looking much calmer than he felt, was sitting on the desk, his legs swinging as he flicked through the book they were working from.
"Hey, Sirius," Harry said as brightly as he could considering the thoughts that kept occasionally drifting through his head, rolling his eyes as Ron dragged him to the front of the class.
"Looking forward to your first class with good old Padfoot?" Sirius asked with a sly grin, placing his book back down on the desk.
"Not especially," Harry said, picking at the hem of his robes as if they were the most interesting things in the world. "Rather dreading it, actually."
"Shut up, you," Sirius shook his head exasperatedly, ignoring the amused looks from the Gryffindors who had entered the classroom.
When everyone had entered Sirius cleared his throat, jumping off the desk to stand in front of them all.
"Hello," Sirius addressed them in a cheerful voice. "As I'm sure you all know, I'm Professor Black," Sirius visibly winced at the title, causing a few of the students to chuckle, "and I'm taking over as your teacher until Christmas – possibly longer, if problems arise. So!" Sirius clapped his hands together enthusiastically. "Now that the introduction is out of the way, let's get onto the lesson – I figured we might as well do something fun this period, so everyone stand," Sirius waited until everyone was standing before waving his wand, causing all the desks and chairs to zoom beside the walls, leaving a large empty space in the middle of the room. "We're going to have mock duels today," Sirius explained to them. "Everyone find a partner and try to disable them. Don't use anything that could result in a trip to the Hospital Wing."
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Neville all sort of grouped together; Harry against Ron and Hermione against Neville before swapping to Harry against Hermione and Ron against Neville. Harry won all of his duals – which, really, was only to be expected with all the extra training he'd had – whilst Hermione won all of hers bar the one with Harry. Neville was the only one who lost all his duels, so in the last one between Harry and Neville, Harry deliberately stumbled while dodging a spell to let Neville beat him. Neville looked pleased with himself, Sirius looked proud and Ron was simply struggling to hold back a grin.
At the end of the class Harry urged Ron and Hermione on to lunch whilst he held back to have a word with Sirius.
"That was great what you did, kiddo," Sirius said, ruffling Harry's hair as soon as they were alone.
"It was nothing," Harry shrugged, feeling slightly uncomfortable with the, what he felt was, undeserved praise. Deciding a change of subject was in order, he said, "I don't know why you were so worried. You were brilliant! Everyone loved you."
"They loved me because I didn't make them work," Sirius grinned. "Next time it's back to normal. I just felt you all deserved a break – it's nearly Christmas, after all."
"Don't remind me," Harry rolled his eyes. At Sirius' confused look, he elaborated, "I still haven't decided on a partner for the Yule Ball."
"Ah," Sirius grinned at Harry. "Just take someone you know. Hermione, Ginny, Luna, Cho – you've got a whole group of female friends who I'm sure would be only too happy to go with you."
"I guess so," Harry said slowly. "Well – it's still a couple of weeks away. I'm sure I'll think of something."
Harry headed off too lunch soon after and nearly crashed straight into Viktor.
"Sorry," the Bulgarian said with a smile, reaching out and grabbing Harry's arm to keep him from falling.
"S'my fault," Harry shook his head. "I should've been paying attention – were you heading to the library?"
"I vas looking for you, actually," Viktor shook his head, turning round to walk with Harry.
"Okay…" Harry said slowly.
"I vanted to ask you if Hermione had a date for the Yule Ball," Viktor said in an almost nervous voice.
"Not yet," Harry shook his head. "Are you thinking of asking her?" he asked with a teasing smile.
"I vas, actually," Viktor nodded. "I just wanted to check…"
"Go ahead," Harry smiled. "I can't think of anyone better for her, actually. Should I let her know you're looking for her?"
"That vould be good," Viktor nodded enthusiastically. "Thank you, Harry. Could you ask her to meet me at the lake at six?"
"Will do," Harry nodded, stopping as he found himself outside the Great Hall. "You coming in?"
"I vill go to the kitchens," Viktor said, shaking his head. "Goodbye, Harry."
"What were you two talking about?" Ron asked, thankfully not through a mouthful of food. "You took forever."
"This and that," Harry said off-handedly. "I ran into Viktor, too. He wants to meet you at the lake tonight at six, Hermione."
"He wants to see me?" Hermione asked, surprised. "Is something wrong – does he need help?"
"In a manner of speaking," Harry grinned. "It's nothing bad," he assured her, seeing her worried expression. "It's… err… a rather good thing, actually."
"Why can't you tell me what it is?" Hermione asked curiously.
"Becaaaauuuuussee," Harry said, dragging out the word, "it's a surprise."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
At five that evening Harry and Hermione headed outside for a walk around the lake before Hermione's meeting with Viktor, leaving Ron with Ginny and the twins. The two didn't talk much as they walked; Hermione was obviously pondering the reason for her meeting with Viktor and Harry had a dozen thoughts flying through his head at once. At ten to six the two headed towards the lake where Harry left Hermione and headed slowly back to the school, aiming for the Room of Requirements.
I need some privacy, where no-one will find me, Harry chanted in his head as he paced up and down the corridor three times. When the much anticipated door finally appeared he hurried in, having wanted to do this all day.
The room was rather plain; several cupboards were littered around the sterile white walls and a few comfy-looking chairs sat on a plain wooden floor. It was perfect for Harry's needs.
A quick rake through all the cupboards told Harry that the room held numerous knives, bandages, plasters, anti-infection creams and a magical concealer, plus several leaflets on proper 'wound-care'. Carefully selecting a knife from one of the cupboards, Harry moved to sit on a rather worn-out looking sofa, rolling his trouser leg up carefully. And here I thought I was over this, Harry thought to himself with a small scowl. He quickly pushed it aside, though; irritation at himself would do no good – and besides, he'd feel a lot better after this. Returning his attention to the leg and knife in front of him, Harry placed the knife slowly onto his leg, his hand shaking with anticipation, and pulled it sharply across. His only reaction to the pain was a sharp intake of breath and slightly watery eyes. Harry watched in fascination as the red liquid slowly bubbled up and out of the cut, slowly dripping down his leg and onto the floor. Adrenaline was already pumping through him, giving him an all-time high as he used the knife two more times.
After having made good use of the 'Anti-Infection' creams, Harry cast a Glamour Charm – a lot more reliable than concealers that can wash off – on his leg and left the room, thanking God that he didn't have a limp.
"Find anything interesting?" Ron asked when Harry arrived back at the Common room. It took Harry a few moments to understand what Ron had asked before he remembered his excuse for being late back from his walk with Hermione was that he wanted to 'check a book'.
"Nah, it was a load of garbage," Harry said, shaking his head. "Finished your homework?" he asked, forcing a grin.
"Hell no," Ron rolled his eyes. "You know I can't do it without Hermione's help."
"What part are you stuck at?" Harry asked, glancing over at Ron's essay curiously.
"All of it," Ron said simply, and Harry copied Rons earlier movement of rolling his eyes.
"Potions," Harry remarked, reading over the essay. "Accio Potion's essay!" Harry said, flicking his wand. Barely ten seconds later his finished essay was in his hand. "Here," Harry handed it to Ron. "Cho helped me finish this a couple of days ago, try not to copy it too much – I could swear Snape knows what we're doing."
It was half an hour later that a rather pleased looking Hermione entered the common room, a large smile on her face.
"You said yes," Harry stated after glancing at her expression.
"I did," Hermione nodded.
"Said yes to what?" Ron asked, looking between the two in confusion.
"Viktor asked her to the ball," Harry explained when it became obvious Hermione wasn't going to speak.
"You knew he was going to?" Ron asked, an unfathomable expression on his face.
"Yeeees," Harry said, not liking the look on Ron's face.
"I'm going to bed," Ron said, in a very controlled voice, picking up his things and stalking up the stairs. Luckily Hermione had already been dragged away by Ginny and hadn't noticed Ron's reaction. Frowning, Harry followed his friend up the stairs.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked, concerned, closing the door behind him.
"What's wrong?" Ron spun around to face Harry. "I was going to ask her! You know I…" Ron stopped, a faint blush creeping up his face. "You knew I was going to ask her – and you invited her to go with Krum!"
"Ron - "
"You could have at least warned me, you know!" Ron carried on heatedly. "Then maybe I could've asked her before the bloody famous seeker! That's probably the only reason she accepted, anyway – it's not like she actually knows him - "
"For your information, Ron," Harry said coldly, "Hermione and Viktor have been studying together a lot recently. I'd almost bet he knows her as well as you do – if not more. If this is how you react when things don't go your way then I have to say I'm glad she's picked Viktor rather than you. At least he's selfless."
"I'm not selfish - "
"Whatever, Ron," Harry said coolly. "Good luck with your life," and with that, Harry stormed angrily from the room.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione asked as soon as Harry had reached the bottom of the stairs. "You look - "
"Pissed?" Harry supplied through clenched teeth. "It's nothing, Ron's just being his usual self. I'm going out for a walk to chill out."
"Is it because of Viktor?" Hermione asked softly.
"Don't worry about it, alright?" Harry offered, softening his voice. "Ron's seemed a little off for awhile, now – it's probably better that we… ah, take a break from our friendship. Go chat with Ginny, laugh about the Ball. Don't worry about us."
"Are you sure?" Hermione asked nervously.
"Yes," Harry said, forcing himself to smile at her. "You've said it yourself – boys are idiots. Go discuss… er, your perfect dress, or whatever it is girls do."
"Thanks, Harry," Hermione said with a small laugh. Harry waited until Hermione was safely in conversation with Ginny again before heading out to the grounds, kicking at the ground moodily.
Harry let himself drop bonelessly to the ground when he reached the lake, instantly feeling the difference. It was a lot more relaxing out here without all the noisy babble that usually filled the common room. He stared out at the lake, not a single ripple wrecking the flat surface which held a perfect reflection of the star-cluttered sky above it.
"I've expected something like this for awhile, now," Harry mused aloud. He snorted. "Talking to yourself again, Harry?" he rolled his eyes. "Bloody idiot. He's been jealous ever since I got entered into the Tournament. Never mind it's bloody dangerous and someone entered me to see my death, oh no. All he seems to see is the adoring little fans, the constant attention…" Harry punched the ground, wincing as a stone jagged into his knuckle causing blood to flow freely down his hand. "And now, because he's jealous of me, he can't be happy for Hermione. Well, screw him. She deserves a nice guy like Viktor after everything she's done," Harry was glaring out at the lake now, not caring that his voice was getting louder and angrier. "I'm better off without him and his jealousy, anyway. When he's decided to be a proper friend that's when we'll try talking again."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Not much in the mood to visit his guardians, Harry didn't see either of them until his Defence class with Sirius last period on Thursday. Sirius shot him a questioning look at the beginning of the class when he noticed Ron moving to sit with Seamus and Dean, but Harry pointedly ignored him. Sirius wasn't about to let him get away so easily, though, and held Harry back after class.
"What's wrong, kiddo?" Sirius asked, steering Harry over to sit on one of the many chairs littering the classroom.
"It's… nothing," Harry said hesitantly, trying and failing to keep his voice neutral.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" Sirius implored with a concerned look on his face before his eyes widened. "Wait, don't answer that," he amended, obviously trying to lighten the mood. Harry rolled his eyes at the feeble attempt at a joke.
"Ron just has… some… issues he needs so sort out," Harry said through gritted teeth. Frowning, Sirius kneeled down in front of Harry so they could make eye contact. Harry sighed. "He's been jealous ever since I got put in the Tournament," Harry explained. "He hid it well, but you could still see it. He doesn't see the danger, just the fans and attention… I guess Hermione accepting Viktor's invitation to the Yule Ball was the last straw. I'm refusing to talk to him again until he gets his priorities straight."
"I'm sorry, kiddo," Sirius said, wrapping his arms round Harry. "You're right, he has some serious problems.
"Which are unlikely to disappear any time soon," Harry scowled. "He's always been pretty competitive – he's had to compete with a lot of siblings all his life… "
"That still doesn't give him the right to treat you the way he has," Sirius shook his head firmly. "You said he's been like this for awhile – why didn't you mention it?"
"I guess I just wanted to see if he could sort himself out," Harry shrugged. "I've got enough on my plate without adding a broken friendship."
"He'll come round eventually," Sirius reassured him gently. "Until then, you've got several other friends who love you."
"Yeah, I s'pose so," Harry sighed.
When Harry arrived at the Great Hall after - a quick, calming walk around the grounds – it was to see Ron sitting with Dean and Seamus; completely ignoring Hermione and Ginny who were sitting a few seats down.
"Did I miss something?" Harry asked, slipping into the empty seat beside Ginny.
"Ron's been a foul git," Ginny explained before Hermione even had the chance to open her mouth. "So we argued – Hermione and I won, of course – and now he's refusing to talk to us."
"He's lost three friends in two days?" Harry glanced at Ron, only just noticing the gloomy expression on his 'best friends'' face. "I guess it's what he deserves…"
"Don't you go feeling bad for him, Harry James Potter," Ginny scolded him. "After the way he's treated you it's exactly what he deserves."
"No, it isn't," Harry shook his head. "I wouldn't expect you to agree with me, Gin. I'm only soft because of… my childhood," Harry didn't miss the sympathetic spark in Ginny's eyes. "I know first-hand what it's like to be friendless."
"Are you going to make up with him?" Ginny asked, her voice somewhat softer than before.
"Not until he apologises and sorts himself out, no," Harry shook his head. "As wrong as it feels to leave him like that, he has to learn that things aren't always going to go his way, and he can't get jealous every time something happens," Harry lowered his voice so only Ginny could hear him. "I could die in this Tournament, Gin. What kind of crazy person envies me for that?"
After that, dinner was rather quiet and Harry didn't stay long. He still had to figure out how he was supposed to breathe underwater and the more pressing problem of who he was going to take to the Yule Ball. He was pretty certain now, though, that he was going to take someone he knew, which currently left him with three choices: Ginny, Luna or Fleur. Fleur willll find an older partner, though… and do I really want to be talking about Crumple-Horned Snorkacks all night? Harry snorted to himself as he browsed the library shelves, picking out random books that looked vaguely promising. With a pile of four rather large books, Harry once again sat in the uncomfortable piece of wood that the library called a chair.
"Oh, hello." Harry jumped and looked up to see Ginny watching him with a small smile. "I thought you'd gone to the Room of Requirements again," Ginny said, dropping down into the seat opposite Harry.
"Nah," Harry shook his head. "What're you here for?"
"Research on Boggarts," Ginny pulled a piece of parchment out of her bag, soon followed by some ink and a quill, which Harry quickly averted his gaze from.
"Nasty Buggers by Alison Welder," Harry said, returning his attention to his book.
"Huh?"
"She talks a lot about Boggarts," Harry explained. "I had to do that essay last year, too. Trust me, that book will help you a ton."
"Okay," Ginny smiled softly. "Thanks, Harry." Harry nodded, watching the redhead as she browsed the shelves for the suggested book. She's a friend. I could ask her to the Yule Ball – she hasn't mentioned already having another date.
"I was just about to head off," Harry blurted out when Ginny had found the book and arrived back at the table. "Before I do, though… there's something I wanted to ask you."
"Alright," Ginny said, looking up at him curiously.
"Well… you know I have to open the Yule Ball, right? I need a partner, obviously. I thought it'd be better to take a friend, someone who doesn't just want to show my scar off to all her friends – someone I'll actually have fun with," Harry took a deep breath. "What I'm trying to say is: would you like to go to the Yule Ball with me, as friends?"
"Go to the Yule Ball with you?" Ginny asked, her whole face brightening. "Of course I would, Harry! Third years can't go anyway unless it's with an older partner – you would be doing me a favour, too. I'd love to," Ginny grinned.
"Great," Harry smiled softly at her. "Thanks, Gin."
After the library Harry found himself walking subconsciously towards the Marauder Quarters. He was, in fact, so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't even realize where he was until Remus snapped his fingers in front of Harry's face.
"Huh?" Harry blinked.
"Thinking too much again, cub?" Remus smiled at him. "Come sit down." Harry obediently sat down on his favourite sofa in the room, curling his legs up under him. "So what's on your mind?" Remus asked, settling himself onto the seat opposite Harry.
"Just… things," Harry shrugged. "I finally got a Ball partner," he added with a smile.
"I knew you would find one," Remus nodded encouragingly. "Who did you ask?"
"Ginny," Harry replied. "You and Sirius were right – I wanted to take a friend, and Ginny was the most logical answer. Besides, she just told me she couldn't have gone at all without being invited by an older student – it's good for us both."
"It is," Remus nodded. Harry frowned at the thoughtful glint in Remus' eyes, but a moment later it was gone. "So," Remus said after a few moments of silence. "I hate to depress things, but how're you holding up? Padfoot told me about Ron."
"Ginny and Hermione aren't talking to him either," Harry told Remus softly. "They had an argument with him… it makes me wonder if I'm right, leaving him alone like that. I know he has to learn he can't get moody every time something doesn't go his way, but I feel so guilty… "
"You've got nothing to feel guilty about, cub," Remus assured him, coming over to hug him gently. "You're absolutely right. Ron needs to straighten out his priorities; what's more important? Attention or friends?"
"I know," Harry sighed. "It's just… I'm not even sure I can explain it. Coming from the Dursleys, I can sort of understand why he feels the way he does - "
"And I'm sure you felt the same, once," Remus squeezed his shoulder gently. Harry didn't miss the mixture of sympathy, regret and hate that flashed in Remus' eyes at the mention of the Dursleys. Everyone reacts so strongly when I mention their name. "The difference is that you don't let feelings like that get in the way of friendship; you push them aside because you know better."
"But Ron wasn't brought up having to hide his emotions," Harry murmured softly to himself. "I doubt I'd be half as 'good' as I am now if I'd had the same sort of childhood as him." Harry instantly regretted saying that as he felt Remus' arm tighten significantly around his shoulder. I really need to learn to hold my tongue; my childhood is such a sensitive topic around here.
"You did the right thing," Remus told him in a firm – almost strained - voice. "If Ron can't get past this then you have to wonder if he's really the sort of best friend you're after."
"I'm sorry," Harry said softly, twisting around to look into Remus' eyes.
"Don't be, cub. It isn't your fault you got left with them."
"I know everyone hates talking about it, though, but lately I seem to keep bringing it up."
"Harry, you're allowed to talk about it – nobody expects you to keep silent about it all; talking about it is one of the best ways to help yourself, after all – and you very rarely talk about them."
"I don't see the need to make everyone even more upset than they already are," Harry said darkly, pulling away from Remus and standing up. "I should go do some more research. I was planning on turning in early tonight."
"Harry - " Remus started.
"Goodnight," Harry called over his shoulder before stepping into the hall and sagging against the wall.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
'I can't believe I've gotten back into this' was the main thought running through Harry's head when he once again found himself in the rather plain room that the Room of Requirements had created for him. He had managed to change the colours, though, to red and gold rather than the cold colours that reminded him of a hospital. Once again, for the second night in a row, Harry was sitting on a comfortable old sofa whilst he used the knife to create vivid red lines across the skin of his legs, relishing in the high buzz and break from his stress.
When he was finished and heading out the room, Harry groaned. He now had a limp – which didn't go unnoticed.
"What did you do to your leg?" was the first question out of Hermione's mouth when Harry arrived back at the Gryffindor common room. Harry rolled his eyes; trust Hermione to notice such a tiny detail of my life.
"It's nothing," Harry brushed her off.
"Harry, you were fine barely two hours ago! Did Malfoy attack you again?"
"No," Harry said impatiently. "I'm fine. It's nothing."
"Harry - "
"I'm fine, alright?" he snapped, storming past her. She's so nosy. Why can't she just leave me be? Not giving Hermione the chance to follow him, Harry quickly retreated to his dormitory, changing into his pyjamas and climbing under the covers. He was suddenly rather desperate for a good sleep.
When Harry woke up again the next morning he felt rather guilty. It's not her fault; I'd probably be pretty worried too if she randomly sustained a limp within the space of a couple of hours that were supposedly spent 'researching'. Making up his mind to apologise to her as soon as he saw her, Harry quietly dressed so as not to wake the other boys (he had woken up rather early, again) and tiptoed down the stairs, rather surprised to see Hermione and Ginny both awake and chatting quietly.
"You're up early," Harry said in a light tone, dropping in one of the seats near the two girls.
"So are you," Ginny commented, glancing at Hermione. Harry sighed.
"Hermione, listen – I'm sorry. I just… it's really nothing, alright? I shouldn't have snapped at you, though, and for that I apologise. I'd probably be pretty worried too if you started limping."
"It's - " Hermione broke off and coughed, an almost guilty look on her face. "It's alright," she finished, offering a small smile. "I guess I was a little pushy."
"That too," Harry grinned, causing Hermione's smile to widen a little. "So why are you two up so early?"
"Just discussing the Ball," Ginny said, almost a little too quickly. Harry frowned slightly; the two of them truly did have a guilty look about them.
"Yes, it was really nice of you to ask Ginny," Hermione nodded, smiling. "She was worried she wouldn't get to go."
"And I was worried I'd have to dance with an invisible friend," Harry shrugged, still watching the two girls closely. What are they up to? "This way it's good for both of us."
At half seven the three of them headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast, where several students were already sitting. Harry was still curious, and almost a little apprehensive, as to what Hermione and Ginny were up to; it was never a good sign to see them both looking guilty together – though at least they usually included Harry. Well, rather, Harry and Ginny usually included Hermione, who they usually had to persuade into troublemaking. Not that it happened all that often; Fred and George played that role.
"Are you ready for Herbology?" asked Hermione, her voice cutting through Harry's thoughts.
"Hmm? Sure," Harry said, quickly finishing his now cold toast. How long did I zone out for?
The next day was Saturday, meaning Harry had to drag himself out of bed at six to head down to the Quidditch pitch. It wasn't until he was walking, rather zombie-like, out the castle doors that he realized it was absolutely pouring down with rain outside.
"'Orrible weather, eesn't eet?" a familiar soft voice asked from just behind Harry. Having heard no one approaching, Harry jumped at the sound before turning around to face an amused Fleur. "I think zat zee others were going to ze library to do some research," Fleur carried on. "Would you like to go for a walk?"
"In this weather?" Harry asked disbelievingly.
"I know a rather helpful charm," Fleur smiled. "Eet ees a rather complicated version of ze Bubblehead Charm – eet ees very helpful for keeping ze bad weather away."
"Well, sure, if it can keep us dry," said Harry, eyeing the French witch sceptically. Fleur smiled at him and, after a rather complicated wand movement and a whisper of a spell Harry couldn't hear, a large opaque bubble had formed around them. "And now we walk," Fleur said with a bright smile.
The 'complicated version' of the Bubblehead Charm (Harry made a mental note to research both spells as the complicated one, at least, could keep water away – could help me in the Second Task) did a very good job of keeping the two dry. Water seemed to hit the opaque bubble-shield and slip down it, as though they were in a glass ball.
"I 'ave not seen you much lately, 'Arry," Fleur said in an almost sad voice as the two started their usual long journey around the school grounds. "Could it be zat you 'ave found a better girl zan me?"
"Yes," Harry grinned. "She's in my year, has beautiful long, blonde hair, deep brown eyes, loved the colour pink - "
"You wound me, 'Arry," Fleur smiled.
"I've just been busy," Harry shrugged, turning serious again. "I mean, Ron's being a prat, homework's increasing, I still need to figure out how to breathe underwater for an hour – though I reckon I have an idea for that, now. I just need to research it a bit further."
"You 'ave been busy," Fleur nodded in agreement, a small smile decorating her pretty features. "You should consider taking a break."
"When I've got the issue of the Second Task sorted, that's when I'll take a break," Harry told her. "Until then, I really can't afford to. I need all the research time I can get."
"Well, at least try to stop over-taxing yourself," Fleur told him in a soft voice. "You'll end up driving yourself crazy!" The light tone and French accent of the last sentence caused Harry to laugh, lightening the mood considerably.
"I turned crazy long ago, Fleur," Harry told her with a grin. "I thought you knew that by now."
After his walk with Fleur, a miraculously dry Harry made his way towards the library. There he did indeed find Cho, Viktor and Cedric all sitting at a table, their heads bent over books. Still in a much lighter mood after his time with Fleur – she never fails to cheer me up, does she? – Harry found it very hard to fight the urge to say 'Boo!' at the three concentrating students. Browsing the shelves, Harry found a few advanced Charm books and approached the table his friends were sitting at.
"Mind if I join?" Harry asked, dropping into the seat beside Viktor.
"Harry! Hello," Cho grinned at him.
"We were going to tell you we were coming here instead," Cedric started, "but we didn't know how to tell you – we couldn't exactly get into Gryffindor tower."
"It's fine," Harry brushed them off. "I ran into Fleur; we went for a walk around the grounds."
"But you're dry," Viktor frowned.
"We're wizards, remember?" Harry grinned. "She used a charm to keep the water away," he added with a shrug.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
The weekend passed fairly quickly and without incident, although Harry kept getting the strange feeling that he was being watched. Whether he was walking the corridors; walking the grounds (during the occasional breaks in the rain), in the library – it didn't matter where he was, he felt like he was being watched. Putting it down to lack of the sleep that he was once again cutting back on, Harry ignored it.
Another thing Harry had to force himself to ignore was the constant disappearances of Hermione and Ginny. The two girls were almost always together now, and although they spent a lot of time with Harry there were plenty of times where they said they had 'girly stuff' to do; each time saying it with guilty eyes. The feeling unnerved Harry, but he wasn't about to worm his way into their private workings. He wasn't a nosy type of guy.
He would soon find out what the two had been up to.
Later that night, having held back all weekend, Harry gave the increasingly familiar excuse of needing to 'do some research' and headed to the Room of Requirements for what was fast becoming the easiest way of coping with his emotions.
He cut several times that night, running through all the reasons for it in his head; Tournament. Ron. Tournament. Yule Ball. Ron. Nightmares. Homework. Bloody stress. Bloody, fucking Ron – just who does he think he is, anyway?
It was only when Harry actually felt a tear falling down his face that he stopped to look at his leg. He had pressed too hard on the last cut; blood was flowing thickly and freely down his leg, making him feel sick. I didn't mean to do that. Feeling slightly dizzy, Harry summoned some bandages and anti-infection cream over to him, applying the cream first before wrapping the bandage tightly around his leg. He winced at the bandage but knew it was needed if he wanted to stop himself losing too much blood. Feeling like he was being watched again, Harry raked his eyes across the room, though he was unable to see anything. Casting a Glamour Charm over the wound beneath the bandage and a Disillusionment Charm on the bandage itself – I'll need to remember and keep fixing that up; the Disillusionment Charm fades pretty fast – Harry rolled his trousers bag down and stood up with a wince. Stop it, Harry; are you trying to draw attention to yourself? Forcing his face to relax and trying to hide his limp the best he could, Harry had one more glance around the room before leaving.
Halfway back to the tower Harry met Hermione and Ginny, who had rather odd looks on their faces.
"What?" Harry asked apprehensively. "Has something happened?"
"We need to talk," Hermione said, in a nervous voice that was incredibly unlike her. A feeling of dread filling his stomach, Harry followed the two girls into a nearby classroom which Hermione locked behind them.
"What?" Harry repeated, his voice much less firm than before.
"First of all, you have to realize we only did this because we care," Ginny said in a shaky voice.
"Do you remember when you came back to the tower with a limp?" Hermione asked, not waiting for an answer before she pressed on. "You said it was nothing – but… you didn't say it really… well, confidently, for lack of a better word. To simplify it, I didn't believe you."
"So we talked, and we thought it must've been Malfoy or something, which would be why you weren't admitting it – boys have serious pride issues, after all," Ginny said.
"And we decided that if you couldn't be honest with us, we would have to take matters into our own hands," Hermione picked up. "You have enough on your plate without selfish cowards like Malfoy and his cronies… so we asked Dobby to keep an eye on you for us, tell us if you got into any trouble."
"You didn't," Harry said in a low hiss, narrowing his eyes.
"We were doing it for your own good, Harry!" Hermione said, her voice pleading for understanding. "Dobby came to us a few minutes ago…"
"He said you were in the Room of Requirements," Ginny said, her voice extremely shaky now. Neither of the girls seemed able to continue as Harry felt his face turn white with shock, dread and anger.
"You – had – no - right," Harry said through tightly-clenched teeth. "No right," he breathed.
"We were trying to help you," Hermione said, her eyes watering. "Harry, why didn't you say anything? If everything was bothering you so much - "
"It's my business and nobody else's'!" Harry shouted, finally losing his temper. "YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THAT! WHAT ABOUT PRIVACY? EVER HEARD OF THAT?" Tears were streaming down Hermione and Ginny's faces now, but Harry didn't care. Jumping up from the chair, he flicked his wand at the door and unlocked it. Sending one last glare back at his supposed 'friends' Harry stormed from the classroom.
Harry didn't care that it was nearly curfew. He didn't care that it was raining. He didn't care that he would get a detention if caught and, well, he didn't care about anything much at the moment. He stormed out angrily to the grounds, bypassing the lake and heading closer to the Forbidden Forest where a collection of large rocks sat. Sitting down on one of the rocks, Harry glared angrily at the ground. He couldn't recall ever feeling this angry; not with the Dursleys, not with Malfoy, not with Ron. He had certainly never felt this betrayed. As the emotions built up inside him, Harry did the only thing he could do: he punched the rock he was sitting on. Hard. Over and over again, until his knuckles were bleeding, but he didn't care.
He wasn't a violent person – living with the Dursleys had left him hating violence with a passion – but this; punching the rock, it felt good. Every punch was releasing his anger. Every wince was proof he was still capable of feeling something other than pain and betrayal, which were the only two emotions he seemed able to feel at the moment. Before Harry knew it tears were streaming down his face, his hands hanging limply at his sides. The rain made his bloody knuckles sting, but he didn't pay much attention to that. I've lost three of my best friends now. One through jealousy, two through betrayal. What next?
Gradually, Harry's tears ran out and he was left kneeling on the grass with a rather empty feeling inside his stomach. Staring at the dull, cloudy sky above him with blurry eyes, Harry soon fell asleep, luckily falling sideways so his head didn't hit the rocks.
"Harry?" someone was shaking him gently, running their hand through his wet hair. Why have I got wet hair?
"Can you hear us?" it was a different voice this time. Harry felt his brows furrowing into a frown as he groaned.
"C'mon, kiddo," pleaded the first voice. It was gentle and encouraging. Harry winced as he opened his eyes to find the sun glaring down onto him.
"Up you get," Remus said gently as he helped Sirius pull Harry up into a sitting position.
"Can you walk?" Sirius asked in the same gentle tone.
"Y – yes," Harry croaked out. Sirius and Remus took an arm each and helped him stand up. Harry winced as he placed weight on his leg, but quickly forced himself to block out the pain. "How did you know I was out here?"
"Hermione came and found us," Remus explained in that same gentle tone. "She said you didn't go back to the Tower last night. Seemed to think it was her fault, too."
"So we got the Marauders Map and found you," Sirius finished.
"I'm sorry," Harry said softly, hanging his head guiltily. "I really didn't mean to fall asleep… I just wanted to clear my head."
"We know you didn't, kiddo," Sirius assured him gently. "We need to talk, though. It's pretty obvious that something is wrong."
"How much did Hermione tell you?" Harry asked, looking up sharply. After sharing a glance with Sirius, it was Remus who answered.
"Everything."
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
By the time the three finally made it to the Marauders Quarters Harry was fully awake, a heavy feeling of dread sitting in the pit of his stomach. He could walk on his own now, but Sirius and Remus seemed rather reluctant to let go of him. What, do they think I'd run away?
"Down we go," Sirius said gently as he and Remus lowered Harry onto the sofa.
"What exactly did you do to your hands?" Remus asked softly.
"My hands?" Harry echoed with a frown, glancing down at them. He winced as he saw them, suddenly feeling the pain from them. "It – it's not important," Harry bit his tongue as he quickly turned his hands around at an angle to hide them from sight. "You… you wanted to talk?" Harry asked in a small voice, hating how he could feel his face paling. Remus and Sirius glanced uncertainly at each other, neither knowing exactly what to say – they'd never heard all that much about self-harming, after all. Neither seemed to want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was, either.
"Wouldn't you like to get your hands fixed up, first?" Remus asked him gently.
"No." This'll be a difficult conversation… the sting will distract me.
"Harry, why didn't you come to us?" Sirius asked, and he sounded so upset that Harry couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty. "You know we'll help you with anything. If the stress was too much, you should have said something. We could have helped you – we still can, but you need to talk to us, Harry."
"Harming yourself will just make everything harder in the long run, cub – and what if…"
"I cut too deep?" Harry supplied distantly. "I'm not suicidal, you know," he said in an almost sarcastic tone.
"We know you aren't, kiddo," Sirius said gently, sitting himself down beside Harry. "But if you're self-harming, you need help. If you can't talk to me or Moony we can find someone else you feel comfortable talking to, but you can't keep doing this to yourself. Accidents happen; one day you could cut too deeply, and what happens then?"
"We just want to help you, cub," Remus said sadly as he too came over, squeezing Harry's shoulder gently. "We know you're pretty independent after your time with the Dursleys, but there's no shame in admitting that you need help or someone to talk to."
"I've been doing it for so long, though," Harry divulged in a voice barely above a whisper. "Ever since I was seven, I think. No one ever cared before… it's not even that bad, you know." Sirius and Remus were silent, obviously hoping for Harry to open up more. Still feeling incredibly guilty about the pain he was causing his guardians, Harry decided to tell them as much as he could bear to say for the moment.
"I guess it's another thing to blame on the Dursleys," said Harry softly. "Whenever they hurt me, I could cope as long as I had something sharp… you don't know what it's like – adrenaline just pumps through you… it washes away all your stress and worries – sort of like the Imperius Curse did, actually. It's always been my way of coping – always. How am I supposed to just suddenly give it up? I wouldn't say I'm especially good at talking about how I feel, given I rarely got the chance to as I was growing up – how am I supposed to just suddenly start talking to you two about every single problem I get?" Harry sucked in a deep breath, forcing himself to stop talking before he got overly-emotional. As it was, his eyes were stinging.
"If you don't feel like you can talk about things, can you at least promise to come to us whenever you feel like cutting yourself again?" Sirius asked him softly after nearly two minutes of silence. "That way we could at least distract you – try to cheer you up."
"I can try," Harry said in a small voice, chewing his bottom lip nervously.
"That's all we can ask for, cub," Remus said gently, coming over to wrap a comforting arm around Harry. "I can't imagine how you're feeling right now – this is such a big secret that you've kept for so long… I'm so proud of you," Remus used his free hand to gently ruffle Harry's hair. "Instead of running away from us you're attempting to let us help. Hopefully you'll be able to talk freely at some point, because I know from experience that it can help a lot." Harry was silent as he closed his eyes, biting his cheek to keep in his tears.
I don't deserve their praise. They don't deserve to have to put up with me… why do they care so much? Is this really what true families are supposed to be like?
"Come on, kiddo," Sirius said eventually, wrapping a steadying arm around Harry. "Lets get you fixed up."
And chapter 9 is up. : )
Third time lucky, yeah? I have a fab new beta, Roxy (Suspended), who is rather good at helping me fix grammatical errors. I got a bit confused with this chapter though, so forgive us if there are any errors still there - rest assured, they're completely my fault.
Chapters 10 and 11 are both finished and waiting betaing. They'll both be up within the next two weeks, hopefully.
And yes, I know this chapter is up a little early. I'm celebrating, haha. Including the two non-published chapters, this fic now has over 72,000 words. Big achievement for me, who's longest story before this was only 30,000 words. Go me. : )