Chapter 10: Dreams

Authors Note: I would like to apologize for my lack of updating. I'm so very very sorry for not keeping this up to date. My life has been exceedingly hectic. I will do my best to keep up on this story. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me and read this story. It means a great deal to me. I will keep up with the updating. I hope all of you keep reading and don't forget to review. This is my first fan fiction so I hope everything is what you as the readers are expecting. Thank you for sticking with me. I'm so sorry again.

Yours,

acriddle

Disclaimer: I do not own The Hunger Games.

In the time since mine and Peeta's walk to town we have hardly spent a day away from each other. Every morning he comes over and makes us breakfast, he even makes a little something for Buttercup, who incidentally has taken quite the liking to Peeta. Throughout the day I help him get everything ready for the bakery's grand opening, and when he needs to leave for a while I make my way to the woods. But each day I find myself anxious to see his bright smiling face, and I rush through my hunt only killing enough to feed us, Greasy Sae, her granddaughter, and Haymich. Most evenings we have dinner at Peeta's. We check up on Haymich and make sure that he hasn't drank himself to death. Some nights he joins our blissful meals but it is a seldom occurrence. After our meal we sit in his living room talking about our short time away from each other and anything else that comes to mind. We never seem to run out of things to talk about which surprises me every day. But Peeta has brought out a side of me I thought died a long time ago. He has brought me back to life once again, something I don't think I can ever repay him for, but I know I want to spend every day of the rest of my life trying.

Today was no different than any of the others. As I make my way back to my house for the night I find myself thinking about Peeta, as I do most nights. But tonight I am thinking more of my love for Peeta that has been making its existence know more and more each day. I begin to analyze my feelings. I know during the games I had lead the entirety of Panem to believe that I loved him, I think I had even convinced myself of it for a time. But I had always pushed it away. I wanted nothing more than to get home to Prim, and to see that he got home to the people that he loved. He deserved to be happy then and now. As I enter my house I realize I may have felt this for him all along but I was too unsure of everything in the old world of Panem. He knew the whole time. Peeta knew that I would run and hide from my feelings. But he never gave up, not even when he was consumed with anger from the tracker jacker venom. I lean against my door once it's closed. I have to find a way to tell him how I feel.

I begin to climb my stairs, with Buttercup at my heels. I feel confused. How did I get here? It seems like just yesterday I was confined to my living room praying for death. But as time has passed with Peeta by my side, I have decided I want to live. It's what Prim would have wanted. I know much of my life is still dictated by her even though she is gone. I can't give up on myself, when I think of everything she wanted for herself, and everyone around her. I know she wanted me to be happy, and I think she wanted me to be happy with Peeta.

I ready myself for bed, preparing for the inevitable nightmares that will ensue. The only thing in the world I have found to calm my nightmares is the strong arms of my boy with the bread. At the thought of him I feel a smile make its self-present on my face. I look out my window that allows me a view of Peeta's house. All the lights are off, except the one to his bedroom. Its window slightly open, blowing his curtains in the gentle breeze. I pull my eyes away from his house and turn my bedroom light off and laydown to meet my fears.

"It's all your fault Katniss. You should have just swallowed those berries. We would all still be alive if you had." I hear a voice say.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want any of you to die. I just wanted for Peeta to live. I wanted for Prim to have a long and healthy life." I say tears making their way to my eyes.

"Your plans didn't work out now did they Katniss. I'm dead and there is nothing you can do about it."

I hear her voice first then her face along with those of the people who died so violently to save my life. Finnick, Prim, Boggs, Mags, Wiress, all of them surrounding me chanting a truth that in my waking hours I have learned to hide.

"It should have been you!"

"We could still be alive if it weren't for you!"

"I could be with my wife and son if it weren't for you!"

"I could have been a great doctor, but no the Mockingjay was more important!"

"I could have died peacefully in my home!"

Their words breaking me down. I fall to my knees, tears streaming down my face as I begin to scream. At first I just scream nonsense but I soon begin to yell,

"I know! It should have been me! I'm so sorry to all of you! I want to take your place!"

"Then why didn't you Katniss." I hear out of nowhere. But the voice is one I have been trying to forget since his end. Snow.

"If you would have just died they could all be alive right now. Peeta could live a life without hijacking. He could live a life with a beautiful woman who would give him everything he has ever wanted." Snow says as he makes his way to me. Blood staining his mouth as he reveals a world where I am dead.

Peeta is running his family bakery. He has both of his legs, and he looks so happy.

"Daddy! Daddy!" I hear. A little boy comes in to view, followed by a little girl just a few years younger. They both look like him. The little girl's blond curls bouncing as she chases her brother. Peeta greets them with open arms and a warm smile on his face. A woman enters the room. Her hair is blond like Peeta's, falling to the middle of her back. She is laughing as she makes her way to her husband and children. When she is there she turns, to face me.

"This could have been our life. We could have been happy. He could have had the children he has dreamed of." Her words cut through me, as the scene changes.

I see a young blond woman, with blue eyes applying herbal medicine to a strange man's wound. That woman is Prim. The scene changes again, now she is standing in a white gown, with her arms around a man. They look happy starting their new lives. Her life flashes in front of me. She has a child a little girl. She makes her way to me.

"I could have been good for the district. I could have kept mom here. I could have been a mom. I could have been anything. But look at me now. I'm dead and it's all your fault Katniss."

I'm crying uncontrollably, as I watch as the people I love make their way across my eyes. The lives each one of them could have lived. Finnick with his beautiful little family. Boggs attaining top status in District 13. Mags living her days out with Finnick and Annie, all of them one small happy family.

"Katniss!" I turn my head in all directions I hear the voice but I don't know where it is coming from.

"Katniss! Wake up!" I hear. I want nothing more than to wake up. But I don't know how to.

"Katniss! Please wake up!"

I open my eyes and kneeling next to my bed is Peeta.

He reaches over and wipes away the tears I didn't know were falling from my eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I manage to croak out.

"I heard you screaming. I tried to let you get through it on your own, but you weren't waking up. So I let myself in." Peeta says gently stroking my cheek.

I look in to his blue eyes and see all the pain and worry that lies behind them. We stay like this for a while, both of us scared to say anything. When he lets his hand drop. He gently places a kiss on my forehead.

"I will go." He says getting up to leave.

"No. Don't." I say sitting up in my bed. He stops in his tracks and turns to face me.

"Ok." He says as he makes his way to me. I move over in my bed making room for him to hold me. He pauses at the edge of my bed to remove his shoes. As he lays down next to me I feel my body relax. He wraps one hand around my waist as he makes the other available for me to use as a pillow.

"Thank you." I say with my back flush against his chest.

We lay there for a time our breathing syncing to become one. I roll over in his arms and face his blue eyes. I place my head on his chest and close my eyes. I take in his familiar scent.

"Do you want to tell me what it was about?" I hear him say.

I open my eyes, but I don't look up. How can he want to know? Doesn't he fear what it will do to him? I stay silent contemplating what to do when he speaks again.

"You don't have to tell me Katniss. But I want you to know I can handle whatever it is." He says as he brings his hand to my face. I look up at him as he begins to stroke my cheek once again. As I look in to his eyes I can see that he is telling me the truth.

I take a deep breath as I begin to tell him about my nightmare. I begin to falter as I think about the life he could have had without me. I told him everything except that. I don't know how to tell him. He continues to stroke my cheek and place small kisses on my forehead as I reveal what I could about my nightmare. But I know he knows that I am holding back something. He just comforts me for a time before he cautiously asks, "Is that everything?"

"No" I answer tears forming in my eyes once again. I hate how emotional I seem to be these days. Dr. Aurelius says that its part of the healing process, and it's good for me to try and understand my feelings as well as those of the people around me.

"Will you tell me?" Peeta says bringing me out of my thoughts.

Looking in to his eyes, allowing the tears to finally spill over I answer him.

"In my nightmare you were happy. You had both of your legs, you ran your families bakery." The lump in my throat from my tears stopped me from continuing for a time. But Peeta being the ever patient man that he is waited, wiping my tears, holding me close, and placing sparse gentle loving kisses on my face.

"You… You had a … a family." I said my tears increasing. Peeta stopped wiping my tears. I looked up in to his eyes and there I saw his own tears. I gently placed my hand on his face and began to wipe his own tears away. I found the strength to continue while I busied myself tending to his tears.

"You had a beautiful wife and two gorgeous children that looked just like you. I could hear them call out to you, and you… You looked so happy. You had everything you have ever wanted. All because I had died." I finish letting my tears fall freely as I continued to look in to the eyes of the man I loved so much. I continued to wipe his tears that came out a little at a time. I had hurt him. I could see it in his eyes. But as I tried to pull away from him he only brought me closer.

"Katniss." He finally said, his hand continuing its task of clearing away my tears.

I said nothing as I looked in to his eyes and continued to gently stroke his face.

"Katniss. I have always wanted that life. But I have never wanted it with anyone other than you. I know it's not what you want, but I would rather live a thousand years with you, than live that life you dreamt of. I could never have that life. If you would have died, I would have too. We were thrown in to that arena together, and that was the only thing that gave me the courage I needed to tell you how I felt. I will always want you. I will always be here, as long as you will let me." With that he brought his lips to mine, gently kissing me while stroking that same spot on my cheek.

As I kissed him back I wanted to tell him how I feel. But something stopped me. I pulled my lips from his, and immediately wanted to feel them again. Instead I looked into the eyes I have gotten to know so well.

"I….I don't know ….. What I will be able to give you in this life Peeta. But I know I want you here with me, always." I said, forcing my tears back, and kissing him again.

I don't know how long we stayed like that but with each minute our kisses grew more passionate. I wanted to put everything I was feeling into those kisses. Not being able let the walls I had built around myself fall and preventing me from telling him how much I loved him. But as we lay in my bed expressing our love through small touches and passionate kisses I swore to myself I would let him in. No matter how much my instincts told me to run, and keep him away, I wouldn't allow myself to do that. I owe him that much. I owe myself that much as well.

As I continued to let go of my reservations I could feel my hunger, my want, my need, and my love for Peeta come to the surface once again. Just like that I wanted nothing more than to stay in this room with him forever. Away from all the hurt, and all the bad outside of these walls.

My chest pressed as close to Peetas as it possibly could get, my arms around his neck, and his hands pressed against my back bringing me closer to him I began to feel my breathing stagger. Soon enough we both were fighting for air, but neither of us wanted to stop. Peeta redirected his lips to my neck, kissing it all over, placing small love bites and sucking slightly as he went. I began to feel more out of breath as he did this, and a slight moan escaped my lips. I could feel Peeta smile slightly against my neck, causing me to smile.

Peeta crashed his lips in to mine once again. As he did this he rolled on top of me keeping most of his weight on his forearms. I could feel my walls come down. Even though it frightened me I knew this was meant to happen. I pulled away from his lips and began to mimic what he had done to my neck moments earlier while my fingers ran through the small curls at the base of his neck. He kissed my face and tangled his hands in my hair the best he could.

"Katniss…" he moaned bringing his lips to mine, taking my attention away from his neck. I parted my legs brought my knees up slightly causing Peeta to fall between them. Ripping moans out of both of us. Panting heavily we stared into one another's eyes.

"What are we doing?" Peeta said the lustful look never leaving his eyes.

"I…I'm not sure. But I don't want it to stop." I said still panting feeling love and fear wash over me.

Peeta crashed his lips in to mine once again. Kissing me slowly, and with every ounce of passion I'm sure he ever held for me. I pulled him as close to me as I could causing his arms to give and his full weight to be placed on me. I didn't mind this at all. I loved being so close to him.

He focused on my neck once again, tangling his hands in my hair that he had removed from its usual braid moments before.

"Peeta…" I moaned, loving the feeling of his body against mine, and his lips on me as well.

My moans only seemed to fuel the fire, as he removed his hands from my hair and began to explore the rest of my body. As nervous as I was I knew that he would stop if I told him to, but that was not what I wanted. I wanted his hands on me, now and always. I felt his hands grasp the end of my night shirt and slowly pull it up, as his hands gently caressed my sides. Stopping just short of my breasts, Peeta took his lips away from my neck.

"Do you want me to stop?" He said looking in to my eyes.

Looking back I smiled at him as I said "No."

I brought his face to mine as his skilled hands continued their exploration. He placed his hand on my right breast, and began to knead it the way I had seen him do to bread countless times. His other hand resting at my side. I began to moan against his mouth. I had never been like this. I had never allowed for someone to touch me this way. My moans had surprised me, but I knew Peeta loved them, and with time I'm sure I would be less embarrassed by them.

Peeta pulled away from me slightly but soon he brought me up with him, both of us sitting up just enough for him to remove my shirt. But he stopped and looked in my eyes. Peeta always being the gentleman was waiting for my permission. I gently brought my lips to his to steal a quick kiss to gain the courage I needed. As I pulled my lips from his, I raised my arms over my head, granting him the permission he needed.

Peeta grabbed the bottom of my shirt once again and kissed me sweetly as he slowly raised my shirt, our lips only parting long enough for my shirt to come over my head. He presses his chest against mine causing me to fall to the bed once again as his lips find mine. I move my lips to his neck and between kisses I ask, "What. About. Your. Shirt?"

Peeta grabs either side of my face and kisses my lips. Then he takes my hands and leads them to the hem of his shirt. I grab it hands shaking and slide it up kissing him to ease my nerves. He removes his lips from mine as I slide his shirt over his head. I meet his blue eyes, and I see that his pupils have dilated. At first I'm scared having only seen his eyes this way when he is being hijacked. But I see the twinkling that tells me this is my Peeta, the warm kind man who saved me all those years ago. I press my lips to his again. I press of my body full in to his, causing our already ragged breath to all but cease.

"Katniss." Peeta says while trying to catch his breath.

"Huh?" I respond enjoying his touches.

"I don't think we should do this now?" He says stopping his touches and looking in to my eyes. All I feel is anger and resentment. I'm not really sure what was going to happen, but I know that my body and mind were telling me it's ok. But as I look in to Peeta's eye I can see that he's not just saying this to protect me. He truly feels we are not ready. I know that if the roles had been reversed he would understand. I kiss his lips lightly before I answer, "Ok."

Peeta kisses me again seemingly happy that I didn't react badly.

"Will you still stay with me?" I ask looking into the beautiful eyes that are no longer dilated.

"Always." He answers smiling and kissing me sweetly.

He gets off of me and returns to his place at my side. I place my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. This is home. I think to myself as I look in to his eyes.

We continue our small kisses until we both fall asleep. There are no nightmares. Just sweet kisses and pleasant dreams of what might be.